While You Were…


While You Were Voting Then Gearing Up For 17 Hours Of Spinning, 3-D Colored Charts


  • Starbucks, Krispy Kreme, and Ben n’ Jerry’s are honoring election day by giving away free products to people who somehow have enough time to stand in a voting line for four hours then brave a Starbucks madhouse to save $1 on a product they can purchase easily any other day of the year.
  • The Farrelly Brothers are set to direct a big-screen revival of The Three Stooges, which would’ve been really exciting news nine years ago.
  • A new study finds that teens who watch ‘sexually-charged tv’ are more likely to become pregnant. The study found that approximately 100% of television is ‘sexually-charged,” and about 100% of teens watch television, meaning an astonishing 100% of teens who get pregnant watch sexually-charged tv.
  • Some Hindu officials weren’t thrilled with Heidi Klum’s “Goddess Kali” Halloween costume. Between that and Love Guru, it’s been a rough year for that religion.
  • And finally, the most important news story of the day by far — Keith Urban believes Nicole Kidman looks good topless. I expect follow-ups to this news all day and evening today on CNN.


While You Were Waiting Til The Last Minute To Release That Obama Sex Tape


  • Peter Jackson and Steven Spielberg are lining up financiers for a three-movie series based on the Tintin comic books. The trilogy will star Viggo Mortensen as Captain Haddock, with a CGI’d Andy Serkis playing Tintin, Snowy, Captain Haddock, and Rastapopoulos the orc.
  • Simon Cowell split with his longtime girlfriend Terri Seymour, calling her companionship “like a pathetic imitation of Whitney Houston that none of the voters will remember.”
  • High School Musical 3 topped the box office for the second straight week, edging out the far less blatantly pornographic Zack and Mirri Make a Porno.
  • Jessica Simpson’s hairstylist was rushed to the hospital after being hit in the face by a paparazzi camera. We’ll have minute-by-minute updates on the patient’s status as soon as we hear back from our 650 reporters stationed in his hospital room.
  • NBC fired the two co-executive producers of Heroes yesterday, marking either the biggest staff shakeup or the most bizarre, meta plot twist in the show’s history.


While You Were Wondering If You’re Going To Be The Only One At Work In A Halloween Costume


  • Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt must have been inspired by Lil Wayne, because somebody got the idea to dress up like Mrs. Officer!
  • Angelina Jolie doesn’t have 6 full time nannies, silly. She has 2 part time nannies. So there! They’re just like us, okay?
  • Jon Hamm is in talks to make a multi-episode appearance on 30 Rock! Oh ppppplease let him seduce Liz Lemon. She needs some Jon Hamm lovin! Or at least some John Ham.
  • King Of The Hill is coming to an end. Fox won’t renew the series for another season. Trying to think of hilarious King Of The Hill reference…but all I can come up with is “Bobbeh!”
  • Joe The Plumber has hired Eddie Money’s publicity team. Because the people responsible for this are also really good at getting really great plumbing projects lined up.
  • Ashlee Simpson is going to pop at any moment, and big-toothed father Pete Wentz is permanently on call, so that once the baby comes, he can drop his hairspray and immediately come running.


While You Were Doing Some Light House Cleaning


  • Ice-T and his wife Coco were looking mighty classy at the Soul Men premiere. When asked what she was going to be for Halloween, Coco said “It’s my day! I get to get naked! Finally!!!” Really. I have no idea what that means, especially coming from someone who is probably naked about 89% of the time.
  • Madonna made Guy Ritchie follow a marriage contract, which included such conditions as making him read Kabbalah texts with her, not yelling at her, and also the all-important rule, that Guy must never, never, never feed Madonna after midnight.
  • Us did it! The Phillies won the world series, their first in almost 30 years! Us so happy. Us never feel so alive. Us poo in our pants and burn down the Liberty Bell!
  • Disaster Girl has a video now, and I’m obsessed with it.
  • Check out these headhoods. I have a feeling that if I saw someone wearing these I’d probably be terrified.
  • Awwwwww. The first official photo of Zuma Nesta Rock Rossdale! Wittle baby so cuh-yooooot…who’s gotta stupid name? Who does? That’s riiiight, baby does! Oh yes you dooooo.


While You Were Thinking About Painting A Droopy Clock


  • British actor Robert Pattinson plays Salvador Dali in the upcoming biopic, Little Ashes. I had no idea Salvador Dali looked like this guy.
  • A court has granted Britney Spears’ dad permanent control of her affairs. But she was doing so well! What? Video? Rolling around naked? Covered in baby oil? Oh. Okay.
  • Joaquin Phoenix has stated that he is done making films, and will instead concentrate on his music. Better hurry up and get your copies of Space Camp – that sh*t’s about to get real valuable.
  • Dancing With The Stars contestant Julianne Hough has endometriosis and will be out for 2 weeks. When she returns, she’ll be doing an exotic, rarely performed dance called the Wandering Uterus.
  • Jessica Simpson is box office gold!! …in Russia. Remember her movie Major Movie Star, possibly the worst movie ever made? It’s a huge hit in Russia. What does this say about Russians? More relevant question: what does this say about Jessica Simpson’s boobs? They’re huge. That’s what.


While You Were Changing Your Name To Lady Caca

  • Christina Aguilera released a new video for her song “Keeps Gettin’ Better”, and everyone is comparing her to Lady Gaga. I’m sorry, I didn’t see Lady Gaga so much as I saw lady desperate. Oh wait, they’re the same thing.
  • The Jonas Brothers will make their first feature film, which is called Walter The Farting Dog. The brothers are musicians who have to take care of Walter, “a dog with severe flatulence problems.” Ugh. First they ruin music, now they have to ruin potty humor, too??
  • Charles Barkley plans to run for governor of Alabama. His campaign slogan? “Charles Barkley: Take A Gamble On Me. Because I have a gambling problem.”
  • Rick Astley is set to perform at the MTV European Music Awards on November 6. I’m really hoping that everytime they announce a presenter or musical act, he comes out instead. It’s the only thing that might make a music awards show interesting and relevant.
  • If you didn’t see it yesterday on the internets, check out this clip of Amy Sedaris giving a vaginal cleansing instructive on Chelsea Lately.
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    While You Were “Feeding” The “Children”



    While You Were Wondering If Your Slutty Grandfather Clock Costume Was Slutty Enough


    • Britney Spears has posted photos of her and her sons at the pumpkin patch. Though things got awkward when Sean Preston ran his hand over the smooth orange pumpkin’s surface and called it Mommy.
    • Ron Howard takes his baseball hat off and puts his Happy Days cardigan back on, all in the name of Obama. Watch this if only to marvel at the fact that the man does not f**king age.
    • Paul McCartney’s ex-wife Heather Mills has already blown through most of her 10 million pound divorce settlement. Well duh… do you have any idea how much a ruby-encrusted leg is selling for these days? (Feel free to boo me on that one, it was lazy.)
    • If you missed the premiere of the latest season of Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drewplease please watch it. Gary Busey AND Jeff Conway! Someone is clearly going to get strangled by bare hands before the end of the season. Check out this interview with Dr. Drew and celebrity patient Rodney King (who we hope gets the help he needs.)
    • Stephen Hawking has announced that he will be retiring next year, probably to get a relaxing job in retail.


    While You Were Becoming Deal or No Deal’s Stupidest Contestant Ever


    • WHOSE SIDE ARE YOU ON?: Lindsay Lohan did not get along with fellow Ugly Betty star America Ferrara. Which proves something we’ve long believed: Lindsay Lohan Hates America.
    • Lil’ Wayne is now the father of a baby boy! No word if he’ll name the baby Lil’er Wayne, Lil’est Wayne, or Seriously Really Small Wayne.
    • Beyonce’s new album will be entitled “I Am… Sasha Fierce”, just beating out the alternate album name “This Is An… Unnecessary Dramatic Pause.”
    • Guy Ritchie is all broken up over seeing son Rocco in a Yankees t-shirt, the team ex-wife Madonna’s new boyfriend Alex Rodriguez plays on. (Well… one of the teams he plays on.) When asked if perhaps this was too soon, Madonna put down the two testicles she was juggling, punched deep into the reporter’s chest cavity, ripped said reporter’s heart out, and marched around the room, holding the still beating heart over her head, all while singing a moving rendition of “Borderline”.
    • William Shatner is all broken up about not being invited to George Takei‘s gay wedding. And George Takei is still ticked about receiving a Priceline.com coupon as a wedding gift.
    • Finally… Anderson Pooper meets his nemesis. His adorably yappy nemesis.


    While You Were Wondering If Ross Is The Father

    JEN AN PREG.jpg

    • Madonna’s new boyfriend, Yankee player Alex Rodriguez, is quickly taking to the Kabbalah religion. If he converts, he will officially become the “World’s Most Obvious Converted Jew.”
    • Jennifer Aniston is pregnant. And if the reports are true, she’ll deliver anywhere from 3 to 5 multiracial children. Take that, Angelina!
    • Country singer Brad Paisley has been arrested. We’re not sure what the crime was, but it probably had something to do with popping caps in people’s asses.
    • 85-year-old Viacom head honcho Sumner Redstone has filed for divorce. Keep your eyes peeled for him at the clubs, ladies.
    • Jose Conseco is set to square off against Danny Bonaduce in a Celebrity Boxing Match. Thus making the match “The Most Unnatural Thing God Has Allowed Since Meat And Cheese Hot Pockets.”