While You Were…

by

While You Were Remembering the Genius of the Roseanne Halloween Specials

EMINEMMASK.jpg

  • Gwyneth Paltrow claims to be helping “best friend” Madonna through her difficult divorce. Though we’re not sure how speaking in a British accent and eating 400 calories a day is helping.
  • In his new memoir, Eminem finally apologizes to Moby for harassing him at the 2002 MTV VMAs. Which leads me to ask: Eminem is still alive? I thought he was killed during last year’s East Coast West Coast (of the Mississippi) Rap Wars.
  • YET ANOTHER REASON TO MISS THE GOOD OL’ DAYS OF HOLLYWOOD: Movie studios used to budget for cocaine… mostly for Tony Curtis, but still.
  • Nick Hogan has been released from jail following a devastating drunk accident last summer. And in a related story, Brooke Hogan‘s tramp stamp has been released from the back of her pants, following a devastating drunk accident last summer.
  • Tom Cruise took his son Connor to a Tina Turner concert in Chicago, claiming to be a big fan. It’s nice to see those Proud Mary’s sticking together.

by

While You Were Wondering If Amy Poehler’s Baby Will Be Bigger Than She Is

SIZDEGREEZ.jpg

by

While You Were Having ‘Nam Flashbacks During An Appearance On David Letterman

lettermanmccain.jpg

  • John McCain admitted that he “screwed up” on David Letterman last night, and compared the experience of being questioned by a late night talk show host to being tortured in a Vietnamese prison camp.
  • John Mayer and Jennifer Aniston went to dinner to celebrate his 31st birthday, and presumably discuss the details of getting back together: she gets to have a baby, he gets to have unlimited groupie hand jobs.
  • Katie Holmes’ debut Broadway performance in All My Sons hasn’t wowed the critics like it did Tom Cruise, and has been described as “falling flat” and self-conscious. I personally was thinking more along the lines of “remote controlled by Tom from his compound down the street.”
  • Yesterday the news broke that David Duchovny and Téa Leoni were officially splitting, with an attached rumor that the final blow was Téa’s dirty text messages to Billy Bob Thornton. Riiiight. Because there was nothing else going on between the married couple that could have split them apart.
  • Lindsay Lohan posted a blog to her MySpace from inside a DJ booth in D.C. where her lady friend Samantha Ronson was DJing a show. FINALLY we get some insight into what it’s like to be inside Sam’s booth…if you know what I mean!! [Nudge nudge...eye bulge.]
  • Self-promotion! Tonight, I have a show! It’s called Liquid Gold, which is a new comedy group I’m in featuring Ann Carr, Adira Amram, Katina Corrao, and Becky Yamamoto. We’re performing at Ars Nova here in NYC if you’re around.

by

While You Were Believing That The Fishsticks Are Our Future

83295685.jpg

  • David Beckham has launched a new line of food products called GO3 which will be healthy, family-friendly, and infused with whatever oils Victoria uses on her forehead.
  • Olympic Gold-winning gymnast, Nastia Liukin, will make a guest appearance on Gossip Girl. Apparently she will play a kinky prep-school athlete who ties Chuck Bass to a balance beam and uses him for mounting practice.
  • Teri Hatcher’s hot new Desperate Housewives on-screen lover, Gale Harold, was critically injured in a motorcycle accident. Reportedly, he lost control of the bike when he saw Teri on set not wearing any makeup.
  • You’re going to want to go ahead and spend some time checking out the Top 10 Kristen Wiig Moments on SNL. Though, they forgot baby-arms sister from The Lawrence Welk sketch! (via Buzzfeed)
  • Britney’s “Womanizer” has jumped to the #1 spot on the charts, solidifying her comeback. I wonder if the courts will consider song rankings when deciding whether or not Britney’s fit to get her kids back.

by

While You Were Comparing A Gun Shoe To A Straw Breaking A Camel’s Back

82795005.jpg

by

While You Were Copying And Pasting Yesterday’s Wall Street Collapse Story For Today

Brit VMAs

by

While You Were Being Forced By South Park To Re-Live That Painful Day

Mickey Mouse

  • Disney is attempting to expand into the Middle East by releasing their first-ever Arabic language film, in which Mickey and Pluto get paid $3 million apiece to show up to a swanky Dubai nightclub.
  • Britney got into another car accident! More specifically, someone rear-ended her Escalade while she was sitting in the backseat. This means she can even crash cars when she’s not driving them! What a dumb whore!!
  • The Nobel Prize in Chemistry was awarded to Osamu Shimomura, Martin Chalfie, and Roger Y. Tsien, and I am getting slaughtered in my pool this year. I knew Cate Blanchett wasn’t gonna win, but I still had to pick her…
  • Michelle Obama prefers watching Dick Van Dyke to her husband’s debates, mostly because Dick’s solutions to fix the economy are a lot more specific and committal. (Move over, Mark Russell!)
  • ABC Family is turning the film Ten Things I Hate About You into a tv series, hoping to capture the “Weirdly Obsessed Couple Girls From My Freshman Dorm Room Years Ago” demographic. No word on whether or not a Princess Bride series is to follow.

by

While You Were Paying Attention To Those Three Colored Lights Instead Of The Candidates

Debate 2

  • The Washington Post is calling last night’s Presidential Debate “a letdown”. Seriously, people, WHAT DO YOU EVER EXPECT TO HAPPEN in these repetitive, robotic, piece of sh*t debates that happen every four years?? They’re ALWAYS free of content. It reminds me of when people are like “man, the musical numbers on the Oscars were really stupid this year” and you’re like, “when were they ever good?? What were you expecting to happen? The Talking Heads to spontaneously reunite then run onstage and play the theme from Crash??” Alright, rant over. I’ve had a cranky morning.
  • Celeb Chef Rocco DiSpirito finished at the bottom of Dancing With The Stars this week, but will get a second chance because of Misty May-Treanor’s injury and withdrawl. So he’s basically like Jesus, only a sh*ttier dancer and more despised in his time.
  • David Beckham received a yellow card and a one-game suspension yesterday as part of an elaborate ploy to trick bloggers into actually mentioning soccer on — f*ck! Fell for it.
  • An unusually personal Bill Murray claimed “I was just dead, just broken” after his divorce last year, which I’m guessing was still somehow kiiiiiiiind of hilarious.
  • These Disney original concept drawings for Sleeping Beauty are pretty damn cool, and almost as rare as the ones from Brother Bear.

by

While You Were Finally Starting To Watch Mad Men And Battling Your New Smoking Addiction

Ernest Simpsons

  • Ernest Borgnine will star in “The Wishing Well” on The Hallmark Channel, in which he will wish to masturbate a lot.
  • Is Elisabeth Hasselbeck leaving The View? Can we fill her role as Republican devil’s-advocate with Jon Voight in drag?
  • Kanye West announced that his new album 808s and Heartbreak will be released on November 25th. No word on whether the title will be changed to 808 Colleges and Graduationbreak (School).
  • Misty May-Treanor left Dancing With The Stars with an injury, saying “I felt like I was hit by a baseball bat.” Jay Leno then immediately jumped into frame screaming “Tanya Harding joke!” again and again.
  • Anne Hathaway will play the White Queen in Tim Burton’s upcoming adaptation of Alice In Wonderland. Helena Bonham Carter will play Anne Hathaway.

by

While You Were Taking This Blaggless Blog One Day At A Time

Chihuahuas