Gwyneth Paltrow claims to be helping “best friend” Madonna through her difficult divorce. Though we’re not sure how speaking in a British accent and eating 400 calories a day is helping.
In his new memoir, Eminem finally apologizes to Moby for harassing him at the 2002 MTV VMAs. Which leads me to ask: Eminem is still alive? I thought he was killed during last year’s East Coast West Coast (of the Mississippi) Rap Wars.
Nick Hogan has been released from jail following a devastating drunk accident last summer. And in a related story, Brooke Hogan‘s tramp stamp has been released from the back of her pants, following a devastating drunk accident last summer.
Tom Cruise took his son Connor to a Tina Turner concert in Chicago, claiming to be a big fan. It’s nice to see those Proud Mary’s sticking together.
Sarah Palin made her big Saturday Night Livedebut this weekend. John McCain thought she did a “great job”, even though he was in bed wearing an old-timey night cab and dressing gown by 8. (Ed. Note: Quotes fake.)
John McCain admitted that he “screwed up” on David Letterman last night, and compared the experience of being questioned by a late night talk show host to being tortured in a Vietnamese prison camp.
John Mayer and Jennifer Aniston went to dinner to celebrate his 31st birthday, and presumably discuss the details of getting back together: she gets to have a baby, he gets to have unlimited groupie hand jobs.
Katie Holmes’ debut Broadway performance in All My Sonshasn’t wowed the critics like it did Tom Cruise, and has been described as “falling flat” and self-conscious. I personally was thinking more along the lines of “remote controlled by Tom from his compound down the street.”
Lindsay Lohanposted a blog to her MySpace from inside a DJ booth in D.C. where her lady friend Samantha Ronson was DJing a show. FINALLY we get some insight into what it’s like to be inside Sam’s booth…if you know what I mean!! [Nudge nudge...eye bulge.]
Self-promotion! Tonight, I have a show! It’s called Liquid Gold, which is a new comedy group I’m in featuring Ann Carr, Adira Amram, Katina Corrao, and Becky Yamamoto. We’re performing at Ars Nova here in NYC if you’re around.
Olympic Gold-winning gymnast, Nastia Liukin,will make a guest appearance on Gossip Girl. Apparently she will play a kinky prep-school athlete who ties Chuck Bass to a balance beam and uses him for mounting practice.
Britney’s “Womanizer” has jumped to the #1 spot on the charts, solidifying her comeback. I wonder if the courts will consider song rankings when deciding whether or not Britney’s fit to get her kids back.
Someone made an interactive website called PalinAsPresident.com, and it’s quite clever. I hope they do more, with non-politicians, like MontagAsPresident.com. Though I have a feeling if you click on the red phone, it ends the same way for Heidi Montag.
Top Model has given birth to a spin-off show called Operation Fabulous, which will actually just be a ninth cycle of Top Model going on at the same time as eight others but with a different name.
Brazilian director Walter Salles will adapt Jack Kerouac’sOn The Road into a film, which college students will make sure to display prominently in their dorm rooms to appear cool and literate whenever girls stop by.
Disney is attempting to expand into the Middle East by releasing their first-ever Arabic language film, in which Mickey and Pluto get paid $3 million apiece to show up to a swanky Dubai nightclub.
Britney got into another car accident! More specifically, someone rear-ended her Escalade while she was sitting in the backseat. This means she can even crash cars when she’s not driving them! What a dumb whore!!
Michelle Obama prefers watching Dick Van Dyke to her husband’s debates, mostly because Dick’s solutions to fix the economy are a lot more specific and committal. (Move over, Mark Russell!)
ABC Family is turning the film Ten Things I Hate About Youinto a tv series, hoping to capture the “Weirdly Obsessed Couple Girls From My Freshman Dorm Room Years Ago” demographic. No word on whether or not a Princess Bride series is to follow.
The Washington Post is calling last night’s Presidential Debate “a letdown”. Seriously, people, WHAT DO YOU EVER EXPECT TO HAPPEN in these repetitive, robotic, piece of sh*t debates that happen every four years?? They’re ALWAYS free of content. It reminds me of when people are like “man, the musical numbers on the Oscars were really stupid this year” and you’re like, “when were they ever good?? What were you expecting to happen? The Talking Heads to spontaneously reunite then run onstage and play the theme from Crash??” Alright, rant over. I’ve had a cranky morning.
Celeb Chef Rocco DiSpirito finished at the bottom of Dancing With The Stars this week, but will get a second chance because of Misty May-Treanor’s injury and withdrawl. So he’s basically like Jesus, only a sh*ttier dancer and more despised in his time.
David Beckhamreceived a yellow card and a one-game suspension yesterday as part of an elaborate ploy to trick bloggers into actually mentioning soccer on — f*ck! Fell for it.
An unusually personal Bill Murray claimed “I was just dead, just broken” after his divorce last year, which I’m guessing was still somehow kiiiiiiiind of hilarious.
Disney threw a huge sweet sixteen party for Miley Cyrus this weekend, giving her $5 off the Disney World gate price, a personalized license plate keychain, and all the Chip n’ Dale fudge bars she could eat (for 9 Disney Dollars apiece).
Eddie Van Halengot engaged to longtime girlfriend Janie Liszewski, who is either his manager or a giant novelty whiskey flask.
The Chicago Cubs were swept out of the playoffs by the Dodgers, prolonging their 100-year World Series drought for at least another season. I believe this calls for a traditional Nelson Muntz “ha ha!”
Clint Eastwood claimed that his Changeling star Angelina Jolie is “hampered by her gorgeous face.” I couldn’t agree more, especially with all those recent Best Actress Oscars going to hags like Charlize “Butterface” Theron, “Unf*ckable” Halle Berry, Reese “Gotta Be a Dude or a Burn Victim or Both” Witherspoon, etc.