While You Were…

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While You Were Changing Your Name To Joe Six-Pack O’Biden

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  • Uh oh — looks like McCain might be in a little bit of trouble. Because Shakira has finally told the world who she supports, and read her hips: It’s Obama. Looks like he snagged that all too important sassy snake-wielding Colombian vote.
  • Sources are reporting that Angelina Jolie is depressed. But perhaps more disturbing is that Brad Pitt is slowly turning into Carmen Sandiego.
  • Kelly Osbourne, looking better than ever, hit the town with her new boyfriend, British rock star Twink Martindale.
  • Did anyone play Palin Bingo last night? I was so close to winning, but she only said Kim Jungle and Holocaust once! Boo. And who knew there were so many blenders in Iraq? Let’s hope they use them to “smoothies” things over!* *I’m so sorry.
  • Finally, print this out and pin it to your corkboard. If you’re anything like me, it will make you feel gorge!
  • I don’t often get strange fan stuff, other than the occassional bouquet of roses from Wesley Snipes, but this Super Me video featuring my face pasted on a superheroes body might rank right up there with things that both delight and terrify me… mostly because of how my roots are showing. And apparently, you can make your own!

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While You Were Biting the Klum That Feeds You

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  • OMFG: House Peters Jr., the actor known best for playing Mr. Clean, passed away of pnuemonia at age 92. Heaven will never be more sparkling.
  • Britney Spears gave a $10,000 check to the music program at a New York middle school this week, as part of the city’s effort to encourage youngsters not to turn into a giant, raging, 14-year-old whorechild.
  • POLL: Is Meg Ryan a BFB: Yes or no? Michael Parkinson says yes. UPDATE: I just watched the actual interview, and am changing my tune. Parky’s the d*ck. Carry on.
  • Most of you probably leave The Celebrity Apprentice watching up to your parents. (No? Just me? Fair enough.) But what with the new season featuring Tom Green, Melissa Rivers, JOAN Rivers, Dennis Rodman and Andrew Dice Clay… well, clearly, it’s the must see event of the season.
  • We have no idea who Beverly Mitchell is, and frankly, we don’t really care. But for what it’s worth, she’s married now.
  • Look, you guys, forget what you’ve heard, OK? CARLOS SANTANA DOES NOT NEED VIAGRA!!! (Dramatically wiping hands together) Well, that settles that!! (Santana passes out.) (Minutes pass.) Couuuuuuld somebody get the paddles please? Thank you.

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While You Were No Longer Dancing Your Ass Off

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  • I’ve always adored Simon Pegg, but his recent radio attack on fellow British comedian Ricky Gervais is totally and completely… forgivable. This is like England’s version of a rap war, folks! So please, forgive the lameness of the following sentiment: TEAM PEGG.
  • SPOILER ALERTTT: In a shocking elimination, Kim Kardashian was the third person voted off of Dancing with the Stars. Proving once and for all that Americans have no idea who the hell she is or why she is famous.
  • David Letterman grilled actress Anne Hathaway on her relationship with now-in-jail Italian con man Rafaello Follieri on last night’s show. And call us crazy, but we think she handles it fairly well under the circumstances.
  • MORNING QUOTE BREAK: “The movie portrays blind people as monsters, and I believe it to be a lie.” says Marc Maurer, President of the Baltimore-based National Federation of the Blind, regarding the upcoming Julianne Moore film Blindness. Maurer, along with other blind folks, plans on protesting the movie with signs that say “I’m not an actor. But I play a blind person in real life.” I fully support the effort and all, but could someone please read to Mr. Maurer the following critique? “Work on your slogans.”
  • NSFW: This music video mash-up of a little girl and some puppets baking a cake would be totally unwatchable… if it wasn’t for a Lil (Jon) surprise about halfway through. Best 1:14 seconds you’ll have today, I swear.

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While You Were Keeping It Classic

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  • On Friday, Hollywood legend Paul Newman lost his battle with cancer at 83 years of age. While there isn’t much left to be said that hasn’t already been said — namely, that he’s the classic quintessential Hollywood icon — it is still worth spending some time online looking at old stills of the man, and then agreeing that they just don’t make them like that anymore.
  • And now, to return to our regularly scheduled program: Kirstie Alley gives the finger to some photogs.
  • Heather Locklear was arrested for Driving Under the Influence, after witnesses spotted the actress revving her car engine and reversing over a pair of sunglasses multiple times. The actress claims she was just rehearsing for her new role in the upcoming movie “WTF Happened to Heather Locklear’s Face?
  • Bad news for men who like to dream big (Woody Allen): Scarlett Johansson married boyfriend Ryan Reynolds in a private ceremony in Canada this weekend. The bride wore an elegant white gown, while the groom wore a $4,000 sh*t-eating grin.
  • Finally, Amy Winehouse’s friends claim to be watching the singer’s downfall 24/7. No word if they prefer Pop Secret or Orville Redenbacher, but HEY YOU GUYS THE GIRL HAS LIKE 7 MORE DAYS TO LIVE. HOSPIES TIME!! No, really, help her out. Thank youuuu.

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While You Were Working On That Sweet Goatee

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  • Lindsay Lohan is trying to take out a restraining order on her father, who she fears might try to beat her to death with publicity.
  • Britney Spears‘ new single “Womanizer” leaked to the internet today. It sounds sort of like what happens when a clinically depressed person takes ecstasy.
  • Somebody leaked the audio tape of a phone call between Harvey Weinstein and Quentin Tarantino about what a pain in the ass Robert DeNiro was on the set of Jackie Brown.
  • Now that things between Hugh Hefner and those three whores he dates are “in transition”, whatever that means, it sounds like The Hef has already been poking around in his poon pantry for an adequately blonde replacement.
  • 50 Cent should grow a mustache, because he would look hilarious.

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While You Were Suspending Your Disbelief

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  • Perez Hilton has released a song called “The Clap”. Listening to the song is kind of like having the clap, on top of a burning scab, in your ear, which is bleeding. Basically this is the most horrible thing you’ll ever hear in your life and you should only listen to it if you’re a cutter.
  • VH1 has made a list of the 100 Greatest Hip Hop Songs of All Time, with “Fight The Power” taking the top spot. Luckily Flavor Flav was on hand to accept the award, and reaffirm his continued commitment to fighting said power by pretending to date crazy whores on his nightmare of a reality show.
  • Also putting in a late bid for the title of greatest rapper of all time: Ed McMahon.
  • Britney Spears and Kevin Federline are reportedly in couples counseling and considering the idea of getting back together. Now that she’s showed her vagina to the world, gone crazy on drugs, dated a paparazzo, ventured within an itch of total mental collapse and picked up a few VMA awards on the way back to sanity, I say why not?
  • John McCain spends more than $5,500 on the make-up that makes him look like a shriveled old albino prune.

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While You Were Giving Up On Fringe

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  • Holy f*cking sh*t!
  • Nicole Kidman credits fertile Australian water for her pregnancy. Meanwhile her husband Keith Urban credits all the doing it they did.
  • When Rock of Love 2 contestant Angelique stopped by the offices of our Vh1 brethren at Scandalist, she went crazy for one of the guys in the office (who must have been wearing a bandanna, hair extensions and eyeliner) and repeatedly stated that she wanted to f*ck him. Yeah I’ll never forget the time Frank Stallone showed up at my own office and sent me a barrage of MySpace messages about wanting to “get wit me”.
  • Okay this nostalgic update of 90210 was one thing, but if anyone starts talking seriously about re-making Melrose Place, I’m literally going to blow up my television.
  • If you live in California and don’t vote NO on gay marriage-banning Proposition 8, Ellen Degeneres might have to return her new toaster.

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While You Were Wondering If There’s Anyone The Dutchess Isn’t Boning

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  • Jenna Jameson announced on her Myspace that she is pregnant with twins. Delivery should be a breeze, because something tells me this won’t be her first 3-way.
  • Dear Kim Kardashian: the only thing sadder than being on Dancing With the Stars is actively campaigning to win Dancing With the Stars.
  • Steven Spielberg has donated $100,000 to stop Proposition 8, which would seek to ban same-sex marriages in the state of California. He should also add that if the gays can’t get married, no one can watch E.T. again, ever.
  • 90210 has been picked up for a full season because it is an amazing television show with the greatest writers in the world.
  • OMG you guys, some paparazzi caught up with Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson buying make-up and they were totally cuddling!

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While You Were Making A Note To Finally Start Watching Mad Men

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  • Heather Mills has donated 1 million dollars (of Paul McCartney’s money’s) worth of vegan food to the Bronx. Said the Bronx: “Go f*ck yourself, you gold-digging hippie granola bar.”
  • DJ AM and Travis Barker were critically injured in a tragic plane crash over the weekend, with both performers sustaining major burns. But the saddest part is what the tabloid media is inevitably planning to pay for the first picture of those burns.
  • MTV is premiering a new show one week from tonight called Sex…with Mom and Dad, in which teenagers will be forced to sit and endure the torture of talking about sex with their parents and Dr. Drew. The show will be followed directly by Teenager Suicide Hotline…with Dr. Drew.
  • After blowhard-ing about how all hackers should be sent to prison in the wake of the leaked Sarah Palin e-mails, Bill O’Reilly’s website was hacked.
  • Pamela Anderson appears to be the dating the giant Michael Jackson robot from Moonwalker.

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While You Were Canceling Your Candlelight Vigil For Paris Hilton’s Puppies

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  • Yesterday, the internet was buzzing with the story that two of Paris Hilton’s dogs had been eaten by a coyote. As much as I wished that story was true, it turns out, it was a total lie. Hilton’s rep say that the dogs were with her in her recording studio yesterday and all are happy and healthy. Oh no. She was in the recording studio??? Not again!!! (Celebitchy)
  • David Hasselhoff will star in Beverly Hills Ninja 2. No word yet on which role he’ll be playing, but we’re hoping that he goes full retard for the role. (CinemaBlend via Digg)
  • Katie Holmes debuted her first Broadway role last night, as All My Sons opened for previews. Tom was on hand of course, and so were a group of freaky protesters, who lined up outside the theatre and chanted “Scientology kills,” some wearing masks a la V for Vendetta. Tom, scary masks, and pretending to be someone you’re not? All in all, a pretty normal night for Katie. (Mollygood)
  • Rumors are swirling that Elizabeth Hasselbeck is planning to leave The View to assume an anchor position at Fox News. Makes sense, but who will replace Elizabeth? A young blonde conservative with a touch of the crazy? Hmmm…I’m hoping for Heidi Montag – but only because I think Whoopi would snap her neck on her first episode. And that would take care of that. (Jezebel)