Aw, Kris Humphries. Now we feel sort of terrible for some of the hilariously mean things we said about you. Last week we were laughing cruelly right alongside Kim Kardashian after hearing that your new ex-girlfriend Myla Sinanaj was allegedly pregnant (though Kim probably didn’t accidentally spray her monitor with Arby’s when she started guffawing about it). Turns out? We were all enjoying our schadenfreude a little prematurely. “Uhhh ooooo Loook No babyy bump! #Shocker yes I’m a thick curvy girl *All natural I’m comfortable in my skin,” Sinanaj tweeted yesterday, in addition to photographic evidence of her complete lack of a baby bump. So, unless Myla can suck it in harder than anyone has ever sucked it in…we’re pretty sure Kris is off the hook on this one.
As if that wasn’t enough for us to start feeling Humphries’ pain, RadarOnline reports that during their marriage, Kim would all but shove her life partner off the red carpet in order to get herself a good photo opp. “Kris plans on testifying at the upcoming divorce trial that Kim would often tell him to get out of the shot when photographers would descend upon them,” their source claims. “Kim would complain that because of Kris’ height, he was blocking the photographers clear shot of her. Kim would get very upset if he didn’t move quickly enough.” Yeah, that sounds…incredibly plausible. Incredibly plausible and mean. Well, we guess we misjudged you, Humphries, and for that we’re….oh, wait, there’s still all that weird stuff about trying to silence Myla after your break-up. Plus how you acted on Keeping Up With The Kardashians. Plus a bunch of other unpleasantness that will undoubtedly come out during the divorce aaaaaaaand now we’re ready to laugh again! Thank goodness! It’s the only thing that makes us feel alive.
[Photo: Getty Images/Twitter]
We’ve kind of heard forever that rock gods David Bowie and Mick Jagger were a little more than friends and duet partners back in the day. I mean, “Dancing in the Street” was an abomination to music, but those two had chemistry in that video. So, we weren’t exactly shocked to read the excerpt of Christopher Anderson’s Mick: The Wild Life and Mad Genius of Jagger in the New York Daily News yesterday that spills details about their mutual admiration. The two became friends at the height of the androgenous glam rock era (circa 1973), when Bowie performed as Ziggy Stardust. The book quotes several of their friends, as well as Bowie’s then-wife Angie Bowie, as having witnessed their closeness. Angie says she walked in on them hanging out naked in bed together. Bowie backup singer Ava Cherry reportedly told a friend that she’d even been in bed with Mick and David while they had sex with each other. Still, we were kind of more surprised to read about Mick’s crush on Angelina Jolie than any of this.
What is interesting is to speculate how we’d react if any of today’s big artists displayed similar proclivities. We’re all cool with Lady Gaga saying she’s bisexual, but what if we heard that she was getting it on regularly with a married or engaged peer — say, Pink or Britney? Gasp! And think about how much whispering there was last week when rumors were flying that Katie Holmes walked in on Tom Cruise and David Beckham. If this were the ’70s, maybe we’d be saying, “Duh. Why wouldn’t two such hot beings want to enjoy each other’s company?” This is a weird thing to be nostalgic about, we know. But still fun! And now, torture yourselves with this video:
Anytime Scarlett Johansson slips on a bikini is a simultaneous cause for celebration and envy. We don’t really need to explain why, right? Those curves should be illegal. There’s the reason why she’s featured so highly in our VH1 Celebrity Bikini Awards! The fact that she spent the weekend chilling in Taormina in Italy makes us even more jealous. That’s in Sicily, by the way, and looks completely and utterly stunning. Scarlett definitely rolls in style: She was spotted sunbathing, not on a beach — that’s too plebeian — but on a beautiful yacht! But here’s what has us even more piqued. As you can see in the photograph above, she was also in the company of a tanned, very muscular, rather good-looking mystery man. He looks quite interested in the sight that’s sprawled out in front of him, and we don’t blame him one bit. Scarlett may have covered up her face with a visor and sunglasses, but that white bikini takes care of the rest of her business. So who is the guy? We hate to break the bubble — ours included — but her spokesperson, Marcel Pariseau, says he’s her bodyguard, “If you go back and look at photos from the premiere of the Avengers in Rome, you’ll see it’s her security guard.” Hmm, that doesn’t mean he can’t fulfill other duties, does it? It’s a pretty amazing body to guard! Catch two more photographs of Scarlett on vacay right after the jump! Read more…
We didn’t know Doug Pitt existed until this week, and already he’s pulling ahead of Brad Pitt as our favorite Pitt of all time. Brad, a lot of that is on you. A lot of it is on you. After starring in a particularly witty Virgin Mobile ad campaign that riffs on his Everyman status, Doug is enjoying a few moments in the limelight, as opposed having his parents introduce him as, to use the words of A League Of Their Own, their other son, Brad Pitt’s brother. “It’s a little surreal, but it’s fun,” Brad Pitt’s brother told the Today show this morning. “This whole campaign was to be tongue in cheek and to have fun. And luckily, it’s hit its mark.” Meanwhile, Brad should be quaking in his unkempt goatee that his sibling is about to steal the nation’s heart out from under him. Why exactly are we all about Doug of a sudden? We are so glad you asked…
Holy Xenu, that was fast! Katie Holmes’ attorney just confirmed to People today that she and Tom Cruise have reached a settlement less than two weeks after Katie filed in New York. “The case has been settled and the agreement has been signed. We are thrilled for Katie and her family and are excited to watch as she embarks on the next chapter of her life,” attorney Jonathan Wolfe said in a statement.
This has to be one of the quickest divorce settlements in the history of celebrity splits. And it’s making us miiiiighty suspicious. Last week, Holmes filed to make the divorce public, leading many to speculate that Cruise had some kind of secret he didn’t want to get out via court papers, which Holmes was in turn using as a bargaining chip. Was it a deep dark Scientology secret? Was he actually having an affair with David Beckham? Was he secretly lip-synching in Rock of Ages? The world may never know now. But the fact that they announced this settlement so quickly makes us feel we have free reign to believe all of the above. Just kidding! Journalism!
Tom Cruise‘s lawyer might have a theory about where all the Tom Cruise/Katie Holmes divorce rumors are coming from, but if he thinks any of us are going to get tired of TomKat’s break-up anytime soon…oh boy, he is sorely mistaken. “Tactically we can’t say where Tom will file a divorce case and if he’ll be seeking joint custody of Suri,” Cruise’s litigator Bert Fields told the BBC. “We are letting ‘the other side’ (Katie and her team) play the media until they wear everyone out and then we’ll have something to say.” Wear everyone out? With details about two A-listers getting a surprise divorce? Has this guy ever been on the Internet?
Some, like The Hollywood Reporter, postulate that Cruise’s next move might be to file for divorce in California in an attempt to up his chances of getting joint custody of Suri. Meanwhile, Katie Holmes spent some time today visiting her divorce lawyer in New York. Man, just typing those sentences made us exhausted. Haha, just kidding! We could type TomKat gossip all night long. It’s what 5-Hour Energy shots were invented for! “It’s not Tom’s style to do this publicly,” Fields added…publicly. “He is really sad about what’s happening.” Well, so are we. We just…aw, well now we feel bad. Not so bad we won’t be providing you up-to-the-second divorce news, but you know what we mean. We still love these kids, after all.
[Photo: Getty Images]
If you had told us the Kim Kardashian/Kris Humphries divorce was going to be a disaster, we would have shaken your hand, happy to meet Captain Obvious of the U.S.S. No Duh You Guys Come On. How wrong we were to underestimate mankind’s ability to turn everything into an even bigger trainwreck than we’d imagined. Let that be humanity’s greatest legacy! As for Kris Humphries’ legacy, he will have his basketball career, his 72-day-long marriage to a Kardashian of his choosing and, according to TMZ, a child he allegedly conceived with recent ex-girlfriend Myla Sinanaj. Oh Kris. You (allegedly) done goofed.
While every baby is a blessing (especially to Kim Kardashian, who is probably rolling around on a pile of Kanye‘s summer minks and laughing right now), it wasn’t that long ago that Kris and Myla were publicly at each other’s throats over her right to even refer to herself as his girlfriend. Humphries was allegedly concerned that having a new relationship would negatively affect the financial outcome of his divorce from Kim, though he probably should have been concerned about all the unprotected sex he was allegedly having with other ladies. TMZ reports that Myla is approximately three months pregnant and certain that the child is Kris’. More importantly, it’s not Kim’s! Enjoy a good laugh with you can, girl. There’s no telling what insane-o detail will emerge tomorrow!
[Photo: Splash News Online]
So many of the rumors about Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise‘s divorce center on Scientology, we’re starting to suspect this is all part of Anonymous’ plot to take down the religion, or was that Paul Haggis’ plot? Whatever. We can’t pretend to understand L. Ron Hubbard’s teachings or the many mysteries surrounding the Church of Scientology (most of what we know, we learned from that South Park episode, really), but we can round up all of what we’ve heard and read in one convenient place. Enjoy!
- Some say Katie’s main reason for filing was to protect Suri from the Scientology practice of auditing — which is a method of questioning that helps the subject clear themselves of negative influences. We’re probably explaining this wrong, so find out all about it here. Katie herself didn’t seem all that comfortable with auditing, as she supposedly held back during questioning. Also, an ex-Scientologist says her parents were getting inside reports about what she said during the process. That’s extra, extra creepy.
- By the way, the Church is not opposed to divorce in and of itself, according to ABC News. They just prefer couples try therapy first. Fair enough.
- Speculation that Tom Cruise’s marriages are all a Scientology scheme to hide his sexuality are nothing new, so is that really the religion’s M.O.? ReligiousTolerance.org outlines Scientology’s stance on homosexuality. Basically Hubbard originally called being gay an illness (but that’s what all of psychology thought in the 1950s, too). But in the past two decades, some gay Scientologists have said that they are fully accepted by the religion. Hmmm, that’s not to say they wouldn’t want to help one of their most prominent members stay in the closet.
And now the little one? Dang. Last time we checked, Tallulah Willis was maturely warning others against the dangers of starving yourself before Coachella; now photos of Demi Moore‘s youngest daughter smoking a joint while topless are allegedly being shopped around to the highest bidder. Not that those two things are at odds with each other (the photos might have been taken at Coachella, for all we know), but still. Yuck.
We can’t imagine Tallulah’s eminent scandal is going over well at home, especially if rumors about the rocky relationship between Demi and her girls is true. According to RadarOnline, the relationship between Moore and her kids has reached a “breaking point” due to Demi’s continued struggle to avoid relapse. We guess Moore’s rehab visit and ongoing battle completely overshadowed her daughters’ lives in our minds, because we only just now realized that Tallulah’s bidness is merely the latest bit of Willis daughter drama in a pretty long history. It’s bad news when your daughter’s semi-nude photo drama can’t even top your own, is all we’re saying. Check out the other Willis daughter dirt we had completely forgotten about in the wake of Demi’s dilemmas:
- Read more…
We’re not exactly sure what to make of this latest Taylor Swift boyfriend rumor. But since the girl has proven to have broad tastes in men, and seems to have no trouble attracting (if not keeping) anyone she likes, it’s not impossible that she’s dating Patrick Schwarzenegger. She was photographed hanging with the entire Kennedy clan for their big Hyannis Port, Massachusetts, July 4th celebration.
TMZ says Swift was spotted laughing with Maria Shriver and Arnold Schwarzenegger’s 18-year-old son and that later they took a stroll on the beach together. That of course means they’re a hot item and planning on having babies together. How do we even know it was Patrick that Taylor was there to see? She usually goes for men much older than herself. Then again, Patrick — one of our male Bikini Awards nominees — is quite the cutie, and we don’t think we’d turn down a date at the Kennedy Compound, would you?
For those of you who’ve lost track, here is a gallery of Taylor’s many past and future breakup song subjects, er, we mean guys she’s maybe dated.
[Photos: Getty Images, Splash News Online]