by (@hallekiefer)

500 Years Later, David Arquette Finally Files For Divorce

David Arquette Files For Divorce From Courteney Cox

You might find this news unfathomable, but it’s true: David Arquette and Courteney Cox are still legally married, despite having separated all the way back in October 2010. That’s like being separated for a millennium in HMT (Hollywood Marriage Time)! Factoring in Arquette’s erratic appearance on Jimmy Kimmel last month, intermittent rumors about Cox getting it on with her Cougar Town costar Josh Hopkins and mutual overshares with Howard Stern last year, it’s a wonder it took until now for David Arquette to officially file divorce papers. Do you think he literally forgot he was married? We would honestly not put it past the man…

According to TMZ, Arquette cited “irreconcilable differences” on the filing he submitted last Friday; he is asking for joint legal and physical custody of the couple’s daughter Coco, and did not request spousal or child support. Overall, looks like a quiet end to a crazy…wait, what’s that? Arquette is representing himself in the divorce? He’s not getting a lawyer? Plus the papers he filed are dated March 23, implying that he just sat on them for three months? Oh boy. Well, we look forward to finding out the outcome of their divorce. Or rather, we look forward to our great-great-grandchildren finding out the outcome of their divorce, seeing as how we’ll be dead and gone for any number of decades at that point.

[Photo: Getty Images]

by (@hallekiefer)

Selena Gomez: Actress, Singer, Wearer Of Awkwardly Small Booty Shorts

Selena Gomez Wears Booty Shorts To Perfume Promotion At Macy's

We’ve all been there before: you walk out of the house, completely certain your high-waisted white satin sea creature-themed hot pants will cover up your business, then all of a sudden you find yourself having to to bend over slightly. You guys know what we’re talking about! Selena Gomez certainly does, having stepped out in a pair of painfully short bottoms while promoting her new self-titled fragrance at Macy’s in New York today. Booty shorts? More like booty TOO-shorts! Are we right, or are we right? Seriously though, the inseam on those things has to be like .05 inches. How did Selena manage to get out of the car? And we don’t even have time to discus that matching starfish bikini top. There just aren’t enough hours in the day!

We guess Justin Bieber‘s lady really is committed to bringing the scandalousness in 2012, as her sexy Elle shoot and soaking wet perfume campaign suggested, though she’s drawing the line at starring in a film version of the salacious hit 50 Shades of Grey. “I don’t think so. I know I’m taking risks, but I don’t think I could do that!” Gomez told MTV. “That would be a little too much for me. I think someone older should do that part.” We’ll admit this booty shorts fail doesn’t look entirely intentional. What do you think of your minor wardrobe malfunction, Selena?

[Photo: Splash News Online]

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Vanessa Bryant Will Not Sign Papers To Divorce Kobe Bryant: A Timeline Of Their 13-Year Love

Vanessa Bryant Refuses To Sign papers to make divorce final

Ten and a half years of marriage for celebrities is a huge accomplishment. Let’s face it, staying together in Hollywood is not the easiest thing to do. Despite Vanessa Bryant owning the deeds to three mansions and being entitled to half of Kobe Bryant’s money, it looks like the two are working toward a reconciliation, according to TMZ. The site reports that Vanessa will not sign the paperwork that would make her divorce from the Lakerstar final. Vanessa may have had a change of heart about the man she’s been with since she was 17-years-old, but the two have yet to move back in together.

California law mandates a six month waiting period from the date of filing before the divorce is officially final. This weekend marks the six month period for the couple. When Vanessa filed for divorce in December the ‘net went bananas about the non-existent prenup. It even prompted Drake to rap in “Stay Schemin,” “Kobe ’bout to lose a hundred fifty M’s/Kobe my n***a I hate it had to be him/B**** you wasn’t with me shooting in the gym.” Well, Drake may get his wish if the two decide to save the marriage. Only time will tell if these two are headed back to marital bliss, but in the meantime take a look at the timeline of their relationship.

November 1999: Kobe and Vanessa met while Vanessa was working as a backup dancer on the set of Tha Eastsidaz “G’d Up” video and he was shooting his own video that was never released. Although Vanessa was a 17-year-old high school student, Bryant courted her anyway — for a whole six months before tying the knot.

May 2000: In the longest courtship ever (we kid, we kid) the couple announced their engagement while Vanessa was still a senior at Marina High School in Huntington Beach. High school graduation and an engagement to a millionaire ball player in the same year must be sweet!
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by (@hallekiefer)

Trace Cyrus And Brenda Song Break It Off Their Engagement

Trace Cyrus And Brenda Song Break Engagement

Well, this is going to make the engagement party awkward…not to mention the bi-monthly family screening of The Social Network! Just days after Miley Cyrus announced her engagement to boyfriend Liam Hemsworth, brother Trace Cyrus reveals that he and actress Brenda Song are calling it quits. “Brenda and I have decided to go our separate ways,” Trace said in a statement. “We split up a couple of months ago. We will continue to focus on our careers.” Hmm…could it be that only one Cyrus can be engaged at one time in order to maintain order in the universe? Has anyone seen Cabin In The Woods? No spoilers, but….really makes you think, doesn’t it?

Song and Cyrus have been engaged since last October, a fact made even more tragic by our realization that Song & Cyrus would make an amazing band name. Meanwhile, we’re wondering what happened to those Trace/Brenda pregnancy rumors that were swirling around last summer? “I wish Brenda the best and much success in the future,” Trace concludes. “I hope everyone can respect our privacy about this situation.” Oh, don’t worry, Trace. As soon as the paps catch Miley trying on veils, no one’s going to remember your heartbreaking romance even existed.

[Photo: Getty Images]

by (@shalapitcher)

Paris Jackson Thinks People Don’t Like Her And Other Really Teenage Girl Things She Told Oprah

After seeing Paris Jackson and her brothers on a Jet Blue flight last Christmas, I’ve felt like I was in on a secret: Michael Jackson’s children have an enormous capacity to act like regular kids. I mean, she’s a “regular kid” with extraordinarily mesmerizing blue eyes, a tragic past and a lead role in an upcoming movie, but you get my drift. If you watched her interview on last night’s Oprah’s Next Chapter you might agree with me. Or disagree, because the 14-year-old also showed us that she’s incredibly strong and self-aware for her age. Anyway, here are some great, super-normal things we learned about Paris:

  • “People have tried [to bully me] but it doesn’t always work,” Paris said about the “drama” she faces in school. “A lot of people don’t like me. … Kids talk so bad behind my back.” We want to give these jealous girls quite a talkin’ to right now.She’s not allowed to date yet, but she can “date in groups,” like at the mall. (I freaking love that Oprah asked her this.)
  • She loves acting because “you can take on a new character.” What teenage girl doesn’t want to try on a new persona for size once in a while?

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by (@missmuttoo)

Jersey Shore Is Back! Deena Arrested, JWoww Injured During Bar Brawl

Deena Cortese arrested for disorderly conduct, JWoww injured in bar brawl

They’re ba-ack! We’re not sure if this is a good thing, but for better or worse, the cast of Jersey Shore are up to shenanigans again, during what seemed to be quite a busy weekend. First up, is Deena Cortese. The photograph you see on the right is of her being escorted out of the Seaside Heights Police Department by her parents after being detained by the cops for disorderly conduct. TMZ also has a video of her being arrested after filming her, possibly drunkenly, walking and dancing in the middle of the street. The police didn’t find her behavior amusing at all, and cuffed her, as cast mates Ronnie and Sammi watched.

Then we saw these photographs of Jenni “JWoww” Farley hobbling around on crutches with her ankle all bandaged up. We would have total sympathy for her if it wasn’t for the fact that her injury was sustained during a bar brawl over the weekend, again. Ronnie, RogerPauly D and The Situation got into a fight with two dudes, who are planning on suing them now. They claim that Ronnie and Roger attacked them, but now sources say that the two men were provoking the Jersey Shore dudes all night. The sources also say that one of the two guys said he would “knock them out” and tried to punch Pauly. That’s when everything got heavy and the Shore guys are claiming self defence. JWoww was there too and ended up as collateral damage! We feel bad, but at the same time … getting into a fight at a bar? Again?

[Photos: Splash News Online]

by (@hallekiefer)

RPatz Gently Humiliates Himself Trying To Give Adele Career Advice

Robert Pattinson Embarrasses Himself Giving Adele Career Advice

Yes, Robert Pattinson and Adele hang out together and discuss their craft, just like you imagined in your more elaborate albeit kind of boring fantasies. Did your fantasies also include RPatz quietly and firmly putting his food in his mouth while trying to tell Adele how to live? “I had this argument with Adele, which is probably the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever said,” the Cosmopolis star told Canadian talk show host George Stoumboulopoulos. “[I told her] you know, you can really just reach for it!’ And she was like, ‘You do realize I’m, like, the biggest selling female artist ever.’ And for some reason, I decided to get into an argument with her about it.” Why would anyone voluntarily get into a fight with A-Town? The woman can set fire to the rain. Luckily Pattinson had a host of other adorable quotes from his interview that if Adele heard, we’re sure would inspire her to immediately forgive him:

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by (@hallekiefer)

Death Threats Take America’s Got Talent Soldier Scandal To New Levels Of Awfulness

America's Got Talent Timothy Poe Involved In Scandal

Note to the easily humiliated: you will cringe during this post. As you might have read earlier this week, some particularly fishy information emerged about America’s Got Talent contestant Timothy Poe. For example, the singer apparently did not receive the Purple Heart for grenade injuries sustained while serving in Afghanistan as he had claimed. In fact, the Texas crooner might not have actually sustained significant brain injuries at all. The singer also inexplicably submitted a photo of another soldier for the show to air during his segment, which begs the question: why would anyone in their right mind do that? Did he not know other people can see with their eyes? Sgt. Norman Bone eventually came forward and identified himself as the man in the image, an image which had been publicly available on the U.S. Department of Defense website. We’re already so embarrassed for everyone involved, we could barely type that sentence.

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by (@shalapitcher)

Kris Humphries’ Lawyer Wants Myla Sinanaj To Stop Labeling Their Relationship

Myla Sinanaj and Kris Humphries

It sounds like Kris Humphries and Myla Sinanaj never had that conversation. You know, the one where they decide to date each other exclusively and slam each other’s ex-fathers-in-law on Twitter. Or maybe they did, and Kris forgot to inform his lawyer? The gossips say the b-baller and the 25-year-old hotel employee have been dating since January, but his reps say he hasn’t dated anyone since his breakup with Kim Kardashian. Anyway, Sinanaj, who was snapped on the beach with Humphries just last Saturday and has been in the tabs nonstop ever since, got a nasty wake-up call yesterday. According to RadarOnline, the New Jersey Nets player’s lawyer, Lee Hutton, left Myla a voicemail yesterday asking her to stop calling herself his girlfriend.

“There are text messages between Kris and Myla which clearly prove that she is lying about being his girlfriend,” a source told the site. “Kris’ lawyer has also drafted a cease and desist letter that he will be sending to Myla which will also order her to stop making these claims. The timing of Myla making these claims is wreaking havoc on his upcoming divorce proceedings, because he will most certainly be asked about dating her during his upcoming deposition.”

We wonder what kind of havoc could be caused in Kris’ divorce, really. Does the law make a distinction between hookups and girlfriends?

Myla Sinanaj

[Photos: Splash News Online]

by (@hallekiefer)

Miley Cyrus Oh-So-Subtly Flashes Her Ring At LAX

Miley Cyrus shows off her engagement ring

Miley Cyrus busted out her 3.5 carat rock at LAX today as she headed to Louisiana to visit fiance Liam Hemsworth on the set of his upcoming film Empire State, and the astronauts on the International Space Station gasped with envy. Honestly, we would not have been surprised if her ring was actually as big as the picture on the right. But when what would Miley do with it? Wear it as a tiara? Why hasn’t a single celebrity thought of that yet?

But enough about our jewelry-related fantasies! The reality is impressive enough. According to People, Miley Cyrus’ engagement called for a “cushion-cut diamond ring, handcrafted in 18-karat gold with intricately carved diamond floral motifs in an art nouveau pattern.” On, and then there’s that massive stone. “It was hand-cut around 1880 or 1890 and it’s unique and in its original form,” designer Neil Lane said of the ring. “At that time no two diamonds were alike, as they were all hand-cut, so it’s fascinating to look at because it hasn’t been re-cut to look contemporary over the years. I find that really romantic.” Add Lane, “It’s also so big, Miley’s finger might break clean off.” Okay, so he didn’t say that. He didn’t need to! Your eyes tell you everything you need to know!

[Photos: Pacific Coast News, Splash News Online]