You know a really great way to win public support for yourself? Compare yourself to Jesus Christ on the cross. At least that’s what Chris Brown in his notorious foot-in-mouth social media manner must have been thinking yesterday when he posted a painting of (a very muscular) Jesus on Instagram with the caption, “Painting the way I feel today. Focus on what matters.” This was after we all learned that his posse got into an altercation with Frank Ocean’s posse in the parking lot of a recording studio on Sunday night.
If we’re to believe CB’s lawyer, Mark Geragos (and/or the sources who spoke to TMZ), there is some truth to the Christ analogy. Reportedly, there is surveillance footage that shows both Brown and Ocean stayed out of the melee and left any fighting up to their entourages. The only glitch being that this video didn’t capture the beginning of the fight, so it basically proves nothing. These sources also explained to TMZ that Chris didn’t stick around to talk to the sheriff’s department because his lawyer had advised him to get far, far away from any site of trouble.
Except we think he meant before any fights started, not after.
Let’s be real, shall we? Some of the Mean Girls actors have moved on to better things. Amanda Seyfried has literally blown up in the past six months (well, not literally), Rachel McAdams is firmly on the A-list and Tina Fey is now writing a Mean Girls musical with her musician husband Jeff Richmond, which is pretty much the pinnacle of human achievement. “I’m trying to develop it with my husband, who does all the music for 30 Rock and I think Paramount’s onboard,” Fey told E! at the SAG Awards. After gushing about her love of Mariah Carey, Tina added, “Maybe she can play Amy Poehler’s part in the musical.” Oh wow, Mariah singing “You Girls Keep Me Young” with a Chihuahua chewing up her bazooms would go perfectly with the show-stopping number “The Limit Does Not Exist” and the Unfriendly Black Hotties choir. (Yes, we’ve been writing this musical in our heads for the past eight years. What’s your point?)
There’s a time and a place for everything, but rarely is the time “right before the SAG awards” and the place “the red carpet” for discussing criminal accusations of sexual battery. We’re guessing Glee‘s Mark Salling would disagree, of course, seeing as how he addressed a new lawsuit against him with E!’s Ross Matthews before the awards ceremony last night. “You hear about fraudulent lawsuits all the time, [but] ’til it happens to you, you really don’t grasp what it does, not to just you but your family,” the Glee star explained. “You want the legal process to happen as fast as possible, but it takes time. I want the chance to defend myself — and I will, vigorously.” Do you think that felt weird to talk about with Nicole Kidman standing five feet away? We imagine it’d be weird to talk about anything with Nicole Kidman standing five feet away.
Apparently the Glee star has been accused by his ex-girlfriend Roxanna Gorzela of a variety of horrible things: allegedly forcing her to have sex without a condom, allegedly grabbing her and allegedly shoving her to the ground where she struck her head. The only thing more awkward than talking about lawsuits and crime on the red carpet is to talk about them on Twitter, which Salling, um, also did. “You kind of have to learn as you go,” Salling said yesterday about dealing with the accusations, “but like anything else you have to stay positive and count on the people that do know you and love you.” And your publicist, who we’re assuming was standing off-camera, frantically waving at Mark not to talk about it right before the awards ceremony.
Full confession: We have almost come to blows with people over parking spots. Almost. But apparently, if you’re Chris Brown and Frank Ocean, accompanied by you’re entourage, and the spot in question is outside a recording studio, that “almost” turns into full-on fight with the sheriff’s department being called. Who hit whom and who started it? Here’s what we know so far:
Chris’ version: According to TMZ, sources close to Brown say the singer was leaving the Westlake Studio on Sunday night when Ocean and Co. blocked him from getting out, saying, “This is my studio, this is my parking spot.” When Brown went to shake his hand, a member of Ocean’s entourage went in for the attack, and one of Brown’s guys stepped in and hit Ocean’s guy. That’s when Frank went after Chris. Brown and his reps haven’t commented directly on the altercation, but he did post a photo of himself in the studio on Instagram with the caption: “Working on my album. Not working on negativity. Focus on feeding ya family. Bulls— will forever be in the shadows.”
Tonight’s Screen Actors Guild Awards were not as tipsy-casual as the Golden Globes nor as formal as the Oscars almost certainly will be, but they were still chock full of funny, touching quotes from everyone from Amy Poehler to Tina Fey to Dick Van Dyke. And while it technically was not “out loud” and therefore does not count as a quote, did everyone see Bryan Cranston‘s adorable daughter mouth “I love you, Dad” while he was onstage? After we finished dying over how cute that was, we rounded up all our favorite bon mots from tonight’s ceremony for your reading pleasure:
Uh, Ronaiah Tuiasosopo? We don’t really know you or what you’re about or understand your role in the Manti Te’o fake girlfriend saga. Heck, we barely understand any part of the Manti Te’o fake girlfriend saga. We do, however, know Dr. Phil and as such we are cringing at your decision to sit down with the good doctor to discuss your side of the story. We know you want to respond to Manti’s Katie Couric interview, but dude, did you not see Dr. Phil’s interview with Dina Lohan last fall? Where Lindsay Lohan‘s mom came across as defensive, evasive and potentially inebriated? Based on that interview alone, we can say with some confidence that Dr. Phil is not the person you want to sit down with if you don’t want to run the risk of seeming like a total nutburger. He will hang you out to dry if you get weird.
We are dying at what an adorable little fancy man Katy Perry makes in drag. The singer stopped by Ellen today to celebrate Ellen DeGeneres‘ 55th birthday (did Ellen make some kind of deal with an evil wizard to look that good?), and to channel her inner dude in an amazing three-piece suit, toupee and mustache. We could honestly watch Katy dance her silly gentleman dance all day, but we had to take a break to round up the other female celebs from Lady Gaga to Gwyneth Paltrow to Amanda Bynes who look amazing in drag. And by “amazing,” we mean “like Daniel Radcliffe with a weird, sparse goatee.” Seriously, take a look.
We didn’t fully realize until today just how angry Kris Humphries was about whole Kim Kardashian divorce drama. How mad, you ask? Mad enough to turn down $10 million. So yeah, that’s pretty mad. According to RadarOnline, Kim offered the Brooklyn Net a $10 million settlement to end the legal stalemate in their divorce. Yes, $10 million. But Kris turned her down, because he’s not out for money, he’s out for some cold courtroom vengeance.
“After Kim filed for divorce, she offered Kris a $10 million payoff with the agreement that he would not continue to pursue an annulment to their marriage on the grounds of fraud,” and insider told the website. An annulment is basically the marriage-equivalent of a “freebie oops” card (that’s a thing, right?), which voids a marriage in any spiritual or religious capacity. ”He wants to be able to marry in a church again, with a clear conscience, when he finds someone special. Kris is deeply religious and he believes that the only way he can do that is if his marriage to Kim is annulled.”
“Taylor was desperate to meet up with Harry in London, but he totally ignored her,” a friend close to the two told RadarOnline. “He told her he had too much going on, even though she purposely arranged to stay at a hotel that wasn’t too far away from his home.” The source went on to add that Harry was a little freaked out by Taylor’s intensity, which probably isn’t helped by her habit of purchasing real estate near to her suitors. ”Harry found Taylor a little too full-on and scary, and he was put off by how serious she was about him after such a short period of time.”
The fact we’re even writing about Sylvester Stallone‘s personal life lets you know this story is going to be jacked. Our skin just crawled right out of our cubicle after learning that the Bullet to the Head actor allegedly paid his half-sister Toni-Ann Filiti millions of dollars in blackmail to hush up her accusations of “claims for personal injury, including physical injury” allegedly perpetrated by Stallone. According to the New York Post, in 1987 the Expendables II star paid Filiti $2 million dollars, with an agreement to maintain a $50,000 annual trust and a $16,666.66 per month stipend in the future. Is anyone else even more weirded out that the Number of the Beast happens to be in the stipend amount? Just us? Why would anyone ever pay such a bizarre amount, even in blackmail money?
Now, we know what you’re thinking: don’t you need some kind of evidence to blackmail someone? If someone called us demanding money in exchange for silence about abusing our half-sister, we would point out we don’t have any half-siblings and hang up. According to Stallone’s mom, however, the story is kind of par for the course for the now deceased Filiti. “This was nothing more than a shakedown,” Jaqueline Stallone told the Post, claiming Filiti was a drug addict attempting to finagle money out of her rich relative. “Toni-Ann was on 65 Oxycontin pills a day, and she threatened Sylvester. A drug addict will do anything. When Sylvester became famous, she didn’t have to hook. He was trying to help her. He caved in,” she alleges. A drug addict? Oh yes, there it is: the only thing as sad as if her allegations against Sylvester Stallone turned out to be true.