We so badly want to be looking forward to the Olympics! We want to support our favorite athletes as they all go for the gold. But there are some athletes that are really bumming us out instead — you know, the ones that are getting arrested for doing terrible, stupid and terribly stupid things. Dallas Cowboys wide receiver, Dez Bryant, is our most recent disappointment. After Dez’s mother made some desperate 911 calls saying that her son was “assaulting” her and that he refused to leave the house, Dez turned himself in to the police yesterday and was booked for assault, family violence, a Class A misdemeanor. At least he turned himself in, but really, who hurts their mother? We will never forgive him for this!
July 15 – Jason Kidd, 10-time NBA All Star point guard, got a DWI in Southampton on Sunday morning after crashing into a telephone pole. Hey Kidd, can you hear us now?
July 14 – Marshawn Lynch, who plays for the Seattle Seahawks, was arrested in his hometown for driving under the influence. This isn’t even a first offense! In 2008, he struck a pedestrian outside of a bar and drove off.
July 14 (yep, it was a great night)- Denver Broncos defensive end Elvis Dumervil was arrested in Miami on a charge of aggravated assault with a firearm. That’s dumb and scary and … OK, we’ll stop that.
Parenting is hard enough as it is. We can’t imagine how hard it would be to try and raise a kindergartner while getting a divorce…and shooting a movie…and also hearing insane rumors about how Scientologists allegedly sideswiped your ex in a garbage truck. All Katie Holmes divorce drama aside, Tom Cruise looked like any other soon-to-be divorced papa as he ferried Suri around Manhattan today; it’s allegedly the first time he’s seen his daughter since the news of his divorce hit the Interwebs June 29. Tom Cruise’s sister Cass also joined them with an armful of unicorns to add to the cuteness factor. Aunts and stuffed friends: two of a single dad’s greatest weapons in the epic struggle to be a good parent.
Least he be looked down for failing to visit Suri until today, at least Cruise has been able to see his other kids more frequently; teen DJ Connor visited the set of Tom’s action flick Oblivion in Iceland last month, then joined sister Isabella in Mammoth Lakes, California this weekend to spend time with their pop as he was wrapping up filming. If only Suri was old enough to hop on a plane! Or, you know, walk across the street without holding a grown-up’s hand. That would probably make this whole “three kids with two ex-wives” thing a little easier…
[Photo: Getty Images]
As Katie Holmes was taking Suri Cruise home from gymnastics class in Manhattan on Monday night, their Mercedez-Benz limo was sideswiped by a giant recycling truck. Everyone’s OK, and the limo was merely dented on the left rear fender, according to TMZ. But now it’s time for the rumors to fly! Was it really a recycling truck, or was it a truck driven by Scientologists looking to remind Katie that they are still watching her?
OR, we have an entirely new theory, the truck was a Decepticon, sent from its home planet of Cybertron to photograph Katie and Suri, believing them to be the leaders of Earth. An honest mistake, right? (Also, Comic-Con has melted my brain.)
Actually, what scares us most about this whole story is the fact that just before the accident, there were paparazzi taking all sorts of pics of Suri in her gymnastics class. This isn’t the first time, of course, but it’s a big reminder of just how creepy the paps are getting, hiding out to snap little girls in leotards. Katie, we hope this doesn’t deter you from continuing your outings to ice cream parlors and Whole Foods and Chelsea Piers. It’s great to see you two leading normal lives!
[Photos: Splash News Online]
Kate Upton is fat, y’all! That was the news from the website Skinny Gossip, at least, when last week it criticized the Sports Illustrated model as having “Huge thighs, NO waist, big fat floppy boobs, terrible body definition — she looks like a squishy brick.” Whaaaa? Are we talking about the same model here? And since when do people not like big fat floppy boobs? This is still America, isn’t it? Some women’s sites like Jezebel took the site to task, claiming Skinny Gossip’s harsh dressing down of Upton set unrealistic ideals for women’s bodies. Uh, you think? If even the models are fat, the rest of us are going to have to wear two sheets for pants. It was already embarrassingly enough washing ourselves with a rag on a stick, and now this!
It’s true. Rihanna‘s milkshake brings all the boys to the yard. Word to Kelis. When it comes to her love life the live-life-on-the-edge starlet has been rumored to be dating pretty much every male celebrity with a pulse despite only having two boyfriends we know of for sure– Chris Brown and Matt Kemp. For the 656,702 time rumors have circulated that she and Breezy are secretly seeing each other. According to Perez Hilton (who has since deleted the post) the ex-couple had dinner, alone, before RiRi headed to Sardinia, Italy for a much needed vacation. Per Perez Hilton a source connected to Breezy’s team said the two met up for a drink where they talked for 30-45 minutes. Read more…
There’s a new Lohan in town! No, it’s not some original Lohan Dina has been keeping on ice for when Michael Lohan Jr. finally ends puberty. TMZ reports that Lindsay Lohan‘s dad Michael Lohan is allegedly expecting a child with on-again, in-court-again girlfriend Kate Major. According to their sources, Majors is in her first trimester. Considering the fact Michael and Kate have a long, gruesome history of protective orders, domestic abuse charges and arrests between them, we can only imagine Baby Lohan is going to need as much help from her relatively stable relatives as he or she can. We’ve certainly learned a lot from Lindsay, so if you wanted to just print this out and tape it up in his or her crib, girl, we really just cut out the middle man for you!
Oh, but can’t it be both? While we understand almost all moves made by divas, Brad Pitt‘s alleged decision to stop talking to World War Z director Marc Forster is a head-scratcher indeed. According to Vulture, the actor has become so annoyed with Forster, “he stopped speaking to him altogether as the production heads into at least three weeks of reshoots.” You fool! Don’t you know that communication is the only way to survive a zombie apocalypse…movie? The two apparently communicate via “messages relayed through an intermediary.” Yikes, this movie has been having problems since last October when a SWAT team seized “85 fully functional guns” being unlawfully used as props. Did you hear us? The film has been shooting since last October! In some cases, literally!
All of which makes Pitt’s refusal to talk to Forster make complete and utter sense…if Brad was determined to drag filming out and/or make the situation a whole lot worse. The movie’s budget has apparently ballooned to $170 million, you have weeks of re-shoots and you’re going to make someone run Post-It notes to the director? Brad, baby. Let’s stop this foolishness and go kill some zombies. We promise we’ll all see it when it hits theaters. We’re sure everything will work out just…what’s that? The ending of the movie itself is “still in flux?” Oh. Oh no.
[Photo: Getty Images]
Steven Tyler, we’re going to miss you. We tried to drape our great-grandma in scarves and seat her next to a DVD of Gigli, but it just wasn’t the same. American Idol definitely won’t be the same now that the Aerosmith singer decided not to return as an A.I. judge next season. Meanwhile, Jennifer Lopez seems to be on the fence about her involvement as well. “I am thinking that maybe it’s time for me to go and do other things that I really love to do,” JLo explained on Today…today. “Like films, and right now I’m on tour and performing — all the things that I do.” Cut to Randy Jackson hurling a chair through his dressing room mirror. Hey, that sounds like something Steven Tyler would do! While no greenrooms got trashed during his tenure (wait, were there any? We probably just didn’t hear about it), the Aerosmith singer did have a lot of insane moments during his tenure on the show. For example…
[Photo: Getty Images]
We’re not saying that every guy who gets divorced and wears that many rings and necklaces has to be going through some kind of stereotypical mid-life crisis. But a guy who dumps his baby mama, rocks out with Marilyn Manson on stage and allegedly starts dating a beautiful blond 23 years his junior in addition to wearing that many rings and necklaces? Come on, people. Personally we’re enjoying the new, playful Johnny Depp, especially since it was announced today that he’s resurrecting Edward Scissorhands for a cut-away joke in an upcoming episode of Family Guy. Johnny’s cameo will be followed by a symphony of armpit farts and several hours of Diablo 3.
“When he was in the booth, he said that he felt like he hadn’t done that voice since he did it in front of the camera,” Family Guy executive producer Mark Hentemann told EW about the Lone Ranger actor. “He was able to snap right back into Edward Scissorhands once we pulled up a clip from the movie,” adding that “[h]e was amazing — and demonstrated extraordinary patience with all the fawning women in our office who swarmed him.” Uh huh, and did Depp roar away in a cherry red Mustang after offering them all unfettered access to his hot tub? We thought as much. Oh Johnny, you so crazy! Your glasses tried to tell us all along, but we weren’t able to hear it until now!
[Photo: Getty Images]
We thought we were nearing the end of our coverage of the super-fast divorce of Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise, but then we read this interesting tidbit in the Los Angeles Times: Katie reportedly used a disposable cell phone to talk to lawyers when she began planning to file for divorce. Because, we guess, Tom and the Scientologists had her regular phone tapped? So creepy and intriguing! So straight out of a movie starring either Katie Holmes or Tom Cruise!
What else did these two probably learn from TV and movies? Here are our wild speculations:
1. Radar says Tom duct-taped all the hallway security cameras in his Iceland hotel the last time Katie stayed there. We’re not sure who he thought would be watching them, but he probably should have taped photos that look exactly like the hallway instead. That’s what Ethan Hunt would have done.
2. Katie made sure to file in New York, where she could make the divorce public and wouldn’t have to follow the prenup — it’s just like how Sally Field wouldn’t fled Iran before letting her husband divorce her in Not Without My Daughter!