After Amy Poehler and Will Arnett’s separation was followed all too soon by Danny Devito and Rhea Perlman’s break-up, we realized that we have to treasure the comedy couples in our lives while we still can. Hold them close. Laugh when they sing about wanting to “impale” each other, like Parks and Rec‘s Nick Offerman did when crooning about his wife Megan Mullally on Letterman last night. Oh god, what would we do if they got divorced? Or if we lost any of our other favorite comedy couples, like…
Olivia Wilde, please! There’s no need to apologize just because you said your “vagina died” at the end of your first marriage, or revealed you and Jason Sudeikis have “sex like Kenyan marathon runners.” Hearing you admit those facts just made us like you even more than before! “The These Girls monologues at Joe’s Pub were not meant for publication, and, in context, were a celebration of love, girls, and honesty,” the Butter star tweeted after quotes from her monologue blew up on the Interweb this week. “Sneaky recorders are everywhere these days, but performance art doesn’t always translate accurately to tabloid interpretation.” Ah, but what if said tabloids interpreted them as being completely awesome? What then, Wilde?
We’re assuming that Olivia is trying to clarify her statements as to not upset ex-husband Tao Ruspoli or anyone else who might take offense at her comments. But you know what? We’ve all been in a relationship that ended and we’ve all heard at least one stand-up comedian get real about their sex life. The only necessary part of Wilde’s apology was that it forced us to check her Twitter and peep this amazing tweet from last night: “Just did a whopper of a Revlon shoot with the gloriously awesome Emma Stone. My damn skull is so big, her head looks like my head’s moon.” Wow, to think we barely registered Olivia when she was on House, and now we straight-up love her.
[Photo: Getty Images]
The Biebs is bummed today. Yes, Justin Bieber, the young zillionaire (estimate), boyfriend of the mega-hot Selena Gomez and driver of a seriously badass car is super pissed off because someone stole his laptop and camera. Sure that’s a pretty crappy thing to have happen, but for a little bit there we had a hard time figuring out why he was so mad. Surely the kid could afford to find a way to bring Steve Jobs back to life and ask him to personally build him a brand new one-of-a-kind super computer. What’s the problem? Then Justin posted a series of tweets, and it all started to come together. The comp and camera contained “personal footage.” Hmmm, our reading comprehension skill aren’t so great, but that sounds an awful lot like “sex tape.” JK! But not really.
“Sucks when you take personal footage and people don’t respect your privacy,” he angrily wrote on twitter on Wednesday. “Yesterday during the show me and my tour manager josh had some stuff stolen. really sucks. people should respect other’s property. I had a lot of personal footage on that computer and camera and that is what bothers me the most. #lame #norespect” Things got even worse for the 18-year-old a few hours later when a nude photo surfaced that appeared the show his lower torso and his, err, “Scooter Braun,” if you catch our drift. However, his loyal band of Belieber fans are quick to point out that his belly button and nipples don’t match those of the real Bieber. This may prove that the photos are fake, but definitely proves that these folks spend far too much time studying Justin Bieber’s nipples.
Here’s a reality TV hook that tops them all! Bobbi Kristina Brown announced her engagement to “adopted brother” Nick Gordon to her family as the cameras rolled for her new Lifetime series The Houstons: On Our Own. Umm…ok, we’ll bite. The first trailer for the show has dropped, and Bobbi’s relationship with Nick is featured front and center. The clip starts off with the couple being cringe-ily couple-y, snugging and donning matching outfits as her family diagnose her with a bad case of “Nick-itis.” Emotions are already raw between the relatives as they cope with the recent passing of Bobbi’s mother Whitney Houston as well as her father Bobby Brown’s substance problems. So the Bobbi-Nick shack-up is probably not helping matters much.
“There’s more to life than having a boyfriend,” her aunt Pat insists to her. But Bobbi isn’t having it. “It’s kind of like Charlie Brown, all I hear is ‘wah wah wah.’” the 19-year-old deadpans to the camera. But s–t gets real when she drops the engagement bomb on the Houston clan. Some of the crew don’t seem happy with Bobbi’s decision, and discuss the weirdness of having Nick go from being a godson to being a son-in-law. Bobbi Kristina may not have carried on the musical legacy of her famous parents, but she definitely is carrying on the tradition of giving us amazingly train-wrecky reality shows.
UPDATE: A rep told CNN today that this teaser does not necessarily confirm that Bobbi and Nick are engaged. Uh-huh.
Uh…ex-squeeze us? Since when does the world not want to see Ben Affleck toweling off after a shower scene? We spent our adolescence watching Ben Affleck rub down Jennifer Lopez on a yacht, and now we’re supposed to want less semi-nude Affleck? The Argo director joked about his nakedness on the Daily Show, imitating producers who asked that less Affleck flesh be on display in the film: “‘I don’t have any notes, except…do you want to tell him or should I? You know the shower scene? Maybe…trim that a little bit.” Agreed Jon Stewart, “At the time I was thinking, ‘Ah…it’s a little gratuitous.’” How dare you, Hollywood! You do not spend the early 2000s convincing teen girls that Ben Affleck is the hottest man alive, only to switch up the narrative a decade or so later. We demand you stick to your story!
Wanna have sex like a rock star? Umm, no you don’t. At least not like these rock stars, movie stars and other stars in the Hollywood galaxy. Many celebs have described their night moves to us in great detail, and the results were less “sexy,” and more “cringe-y.” Olivia Wilde is that latest famous face to have offended our not-so-delicate sensibilities. After telling an audience on Monday that her “vagina died” after the wind-down of her marriage and subsequent divorce, Wilde gave the crowd a happy ending by informing them that she and SNL‘s Jason Sudeikis “have sex like Kenyan marathon runners.” OK, we’re not really offended, but that line definitely gives your brain the bad touch and makes us want to grab our non-existent pearls just a tiny bit. Yet a part of us loves it anyway! Head on down to the gallery below and check out more celebrities who have hit our TMI button with tales of their sexual exploits. Enjoy!
[Photo: Getty Images]
Of course, the gossips are abuzz with stories about Robert Pattinson being photographed “deep in conversation” with a mysterious blond woman at Electric Room in Dream Hotel in NYC on Saturday night. (Weird side note: This is the same bar where Lindsay and Dina Lohan went last night before their big blowout.) Actually, it’s a source for photo agency Splash News that says, “Robert only had eyes for the girl.” Sources talking to Us Weekly, meanwhile, seemed to think he was just talking to her and was totally just hanging out with a group of friends, including Tom Sturridge, Sienna Miller and Michelle Trachtenberg. (Some fans have suggested that the woman is Sienna’s sister, Savannah.) We’ve never been to Electric Room, but we imagine that like any other bar on a Saturday night, you have to lean in very close to anyone to be heard. And once we start thinking about that, we are reminded of our own Kate Spencer’s reaction the last time Rob was said to be getting intimately close to a lady at a bar. Here’s part of her “soapbox” rant from last December:
“Not all that vajiggle jaggle.” And with that Christopher Walken becomes the last part of American culture to be taken over by Here Comes Honey Boo Boo. The Seven Psychopaths actor joins Colin Farrell and Sam Rockwell for an in-character reading for the show’s dialogue for Screen Junkies. “These are words,” Walken states. It’s not a question. Of course it’s not. He’d have to be a fool to be completely unfamiliar with Alana and her family, considering how all pervasive they are now. They’ve pretty much invaded every aspect of entertainment, like…
We don’t know what’s more harrowing: the content of the phone call Lindsay Lohan placed from her limo fight with mother Dina Lohan last night, or the fact that her father Michael Lohan would turn around and give the audio from said call to TMZ. Both are depressing, but considering the content of Lindsay’s tirade, we’re going to go with the latter. “Dad, she’s on cocaine. She’s like touching her neck, and s—,” Lindsay says of Dina over the phone. “She’s threatening everyone in the car.” Lilo also reveals that she gave her mother $40,000 to “keep her house.” “Give me my 40 grand back!” Lohan cries. You can listen to the full audio here, but honestly just imagine the saddest thing you’ve ever heard and you’re pretty much there. “You tricked me,” Lindsay weeps during the call. See? We were not joking.
But as baffling as the call itself might seems to everyone else in the universe, what’s more perplexing is that Lindsay and Dina have apparently made up. Or at least made up to the point that they’re willing to hug each other outside Dina’s Long Island home, according to photos snapped of the pair today. We genuinely don’t know what to feel about this whole situation. Oh, except total and complete sadness. Of course.
[Photo: Splash News Online]
Well, this is certainly a dilly of a pickle. TMZ reports that Justin Bieber is just latest celebrity to fall prey to “Swatting,” a clever prank in which an idiot or idiots wastes the police force’s time and resources to annoy a celebrity for no reason. LOL, right! A 911 call was placed last night claiming that “someone was waving a gun” near Bieber’s home. The police dispatched officers as well as helicopters to Justin’s block, only to find out that the call was bogus. Haha, who doesn’t love squandering hundreds if not thousands of tax payers’ dollars pissing off Justin Bieber? Way to go, anonymous morons!
Of course, the Biebs isn’t the only famous person who has fallen victim to swatting; Miley Cyrus and Ashton Kutcher have both dealt with similar calls in the last couple months. According to authorities, the calls are typically placed from a phone app, which we guess is better than being placed from a phone in Justin Bieber’s attic. Maybe we’re being drama queens here, but we honestly feel bad for the cops who have to deal with swatting on a regular basis. What are they supposed to do? Not respond an alleged gun-wielding lunatic outside Justin Bieber’s house? That’s probably the first thing they learn on Day 1 at the L.A. Police Academy! It’s in their blood!
[Photo: Getty Images]