Uh…ex-squeeze us? Since when does the world not want to see Ben Affleck toweling off after a shower scene? We spent our adolescence watching Ben Affleck rub down Jennifer Lopez on a yacht, and now we’re supposed to want less semi-nude Affleck? The Argo director joked about his nakedness on the Daily Show, imitating producers who asked that less Affleck flesh be on display in the film: “‘I don’t have any notes, except…do you want to tell him or should I? You know the shower scene? Maybe…trim that a little bit.” Agreed Jon Stewart, “At the time I was thinking, ‘Ah…it’s a little gratuitous.’” How dare you, Hollywood! You do not spend the early 2000s convincing teen girls that Ben Affleck is the hottest man alive, only to switch up the narrative a decade or so later. We demand you stick to your story!
Wanna have sex like a rock star? Umm, no you don’t. At least not like these rock stars, movie stars and other stars in the Hollywood galaxy. Many celebs have described their night moves to us in great detail, and the results were less “sexy,” and more “cringe-y.” Olivia Wilde is that latest famous face to have offended our not-so-delicate sensibilities. After telling an audience on Monday that her “vagina died” after the wind-down of her marriage and subsequent divorce, Wilde gave the crowd a happy ending by informing them that she and SNL‘s Jason Sudeikis “have sex like Kenyan marathon runners.” OK, we’re not really offended, but that line definitely gives your brain the bad touch and makes us want to grab our non-existent pearls just a tiny bit. Yet a part of us loves it anyway! Head on down to the gallery below and check out more celebrities who have hit our TMI button with tales of their sexual exploits. Enjoy!
[Photo: Getty Images]
Of course, the gossips are abuzz with stories about Robert Pattinson being photographed “deep in conversation” with a mysterious blond woman at Electric Room in Dream Hotel in NYC on Saturday night. (Weird side note: This is the same bar where Lindsay and Dina Lohan went last night before their big blowout.) Actually, it’s a source for photo agency Splash News that says, “Robert only had eyes for the girl.” Sources talking to Us Weekly, meanwhile, seemed to think he was just talking to her and was totally just hanging out with a group of friends, including Tom Sturridge, Sienna Miller and Michelle Trachtenberg. (Some fans have suggested that the woman is Sienna’s sister, Savannah.) We’ve never been to Electric Room, but we imagine that like any other bar on a Saturday night, you have to lean in very close to anyone to be heard. And once we start thinking about that, we are reminded of our own Kate Spencer’s reaction the last time Rob was said to be getting intimately close to a lady at a bar. Here’s part of her “soapbox” rant from last December:
“Not all that vajiggle jaggle.” And with that Christopher Walken becomes the last part of American culture to be taken over by Here Comes Honey Boo Boo. The Seven Psychopaths actor joins Colin Farrell and Sam Rockwell for an in-character reading for the show’s dialogue for Screen Junkies. “These are words,” Walken states. It’s not a question. Of course it’s not. He’d have to be a fool to be completely unfamiliar with Alana and her family, considering how all pervasive they are now. They’ve pretty much invaded every aspect of entertainment, like…
We don’t know what’s more harrowing: the content of the phone call Lindsay Lohan placed from her limo fight with mother Dina Lohan last night, or the fact that her father Michael Lohan would turn around and give the audio from said call to TMZ. Both are depressing, but considering the content of Lindsay’s tirade, we’re going to go with the latter. “Dad, she’s on cocaine. She’s like touching her neck, and s—,” Lindsay says of Dina over the phone. “She’s threatening everyone in the car.” Lilo also reveals that she gave her mother $40,000 to “keep her house.” “Give me my 40 grand back!” Lohan cries. You can listen to the full audio here, but honestly just imagine the saddest thing you’ve ever heard and you’re pretty much there. “You tricked me,” Lindsay weeps during the call. See? We were not joking.
But as baffling as the call itself might seems to everyone else in the universe, what’s more perplexing is that Lindsay and Dina have apparently made up. Or at least made up to the point that they’re willing to hug each other outside Dina’s Long Island home, according to photos snapped of the pair today. We genuinely don’t know what to feel about this whole situation. Oh, except total and complete sadness. Of course.
[Photo: Splash News Online]
Well, this is certainly a dilly of a pickle. TMZ reports that Justin Bieber is just latest celebrity to fall prey to “Swatting,” a clever prank in which an idiot or idiots wastes the police force’s time and resources to annoy a celebrity for no reason. LOL, right! A 911 call was placed last night claiming that “someone was waving a gun” near Bieber’s home. The police dispatched officers as well as helicopters to Justin’s block, only to find out that the call was bogus. Haha, who doesn’t love squandering hundreds if not thousands of tax payers’ dollars pissing off Justin Bieber? Way to go, anonymous morons!
Of course, the Biebs isn’t the only famous person who has fallen victim to swatting; Miley Cyrus and Ashton Kutcher have both dealt with similar calls in the last couple months. According to authorities, the calls are typically placed from a phone app, which we guess is better than being placed from a phone in Justin Bieber’s attic. Maybe we’re being drama queens here, but we honestly feel bad for the cops who have to deal with swatting on a regular basis. What are they supposed to do? Not respond an alleged gun-wielding lunatic outside Justin Bieber’s house? That’s probably the first thing they learn on Day 1 at the L.A. Police Academy! It’s in their blood!
[Photo: Getty Images]
We’re really wondering when Lindsay Lohan will realize that her nights out clubbing almost ALWAYS end in disaster. This time, according to TMZ, she was out at the Electric Room in Dream Hotel with mama Dina Lohan, and somewhere during their drive home to Dina’s house early this morning, the two fought viciously. According to TMZ’s source, by the time they arrived at their destination, the scuffle escalated to the point where Lindsay suffered a cut on her leg and a broken bracelet. Someone called 911 about the domestic dispute, apparently saying that Lindsay was being held against her will by Dina and the driver, and cops arrived on the scene. Officials told the site that a domestic incident report was made, but no arrests were made.
We’re finally starting to trust our instinctual belief that Ryan Gosling is actually a decent human being. If he wasn’t, wouldn’t we have heard some rumor about him being a cruel, arrogant jerk by now? Or at least kind of a dbag? Or that he’s always getting “massages” or some horrible thing like that? Christina Hendricks (who we just realized we trust because she seems like a decent human being) is confirming our suspicions by hyping her Drive costar hard, telling NW Online, “He’s everything you want him to be! He’s amazing, yeah. He’s very polite, he’s very lovely.” Now, are we maybe trying to rationalize our desire to smooch Ryan’s perfectly symmetrical face by convincing ourselves that he has a great personality in addition to being beautiful? Sure, it’s possible! It’s very, very possible!
Of course, Christina might be even more Team Gosling than usual now that Ryan cast her in his directorial debut How to Catch a Monster. “My manager called and said, ‘Ryan Gosling wants to call you, is it ok if I give him your number?’ And I was like, ‘YES! Yes, of course it’s OK!,’” Hendricks enthuses. Despite her Gosling love, the Mad Men star wouldn’t throw husband Geoffrey Arend under the bus any time soon. “Absolutely not!” she laughed at the suggestion she and Ryan might one day get together. “I find [Gosling] incredibly talented and incredibly charming, but that thought never occurred to me!” Aw, Christina Hendricks is a good person! Plus Eva Mendes would almost certainly murder her if she tried!
[Photo: Getty Images]
No offense to Lena Dunham, but we think it’s Olivia Wilde is who really deserves millions of dollars to dole out humorous life advice in some kind of whimsical book of essays. The Tron actress has long been delightfully open about everything from her divorce to her…well, mainly her divorce, but she really presented the world with some news it could use onstage at last night’s These Girls event at Joe’s Pub in New York. Like how her “vagina died” at the end of her first marriage. Vulture was there and grabbed some of the most helpful tidbits from Wilde’s…well, we’re going to say lady advice rant. We imagine it was delivered as a rant:
On knowing your marriage is over: “And you can lie to your relatives at Christmas dinner and tell them everything on the home front is just peachy. But you cannot lie to your vagina.”
On keeping the spark alive: “In Olivia Land, relationships can legally only last seven years, without an option to renew. That way it never goes stale. Can you imagine, if we only had seven years? We’d be so nice to each other, so kind, and appreciative and enthusiastic, like we were eating a really expensive bowl of pasta!”
Only one minute of Hulk Hogan’s sex tape was leaked to Gawker last week, but that sixty seconds was all it took to make us want to drill into our brain and suck out the memory of it with a shop-vac. Hell, it was so bad it caused Linda Hogan to get a DUI! Ok, that’s probably not true, but it totally deserves to be. So when we learned today that the Hogans are scared a second tape might leak, we’d like to offer them a hearty: “SO ARE WE!”
The wresting/pasta legend is reportedly bracing his family for the possibility that more of his sexual exploits have been recorded for the ages, and they may be coming to a web-browser near you. “After the first video was leaked he warned Linda, Brooke and Nick that he could of been caught on camera in the past,” a source close to the family told RadarOnline. We interpret that as code for, “Dammit, why did I do that more than once?” Despite his threats of massive legal retaliation, the Hulk and Co fear the damage another sex tape could do, especially in the wake of Linda’s arrest last week.