Everyone shut up and help us look for our overnight bag! We hid a spare one in our cubicle for just such an occasion! Whatever. We’ll just take our wallet. Us Weekly reports that Justin Timberlake had his bachelor party last night in Las Vegas, which means we have precious little time to book a flight, get to him before he actually marries Jessica Biel and convince him to pursue a relationship with us instead. People typically throw their respective bachelor and bachelorette parties the week before the wedding, don’t they? What if we can’t get a plane ticket in time? Why hasn’t America invested in high-speed bullet trains yet?
JTim allegedly joined about 20 of his closest bros at Tryst at the Wynn Las Vegas Thursday evening, drinking and getting down to DJ Spider. Justin’s posse allegedly “took over the dance floor table,” which is perfect because we were planning to have a dance floor table at our wedding. To Justin Timberlake. Later the crew moved to Surrender Nightclub at Encore and Sinatra Restaurant, where, according to Us Weekly‘s very reassuring source, “It was just him and his guys.” Seeing as how Justin finally popped the question this past January after five years of dating, we doubt Jessica is going to give him up without a fight. Ugh, and she was so jacked in the Total Recall remake. Maybe we can throw her off by telling her we actually saw the Total Recall remake? Whatever. We’ll figure it out on the bus.
Our feelings for Amanda Bynes have been swinging rapidly between worry, pity and bafflement. This morning we’re back at pity after learning from TMZ that the actress’ publicist, agent and lawyer have all dropped her as a client in recent weeks. Well, that actually explains why no one stopped her from driving without a license, locking herself in a dressing room for two hours, smoking pot in a garage, talking to herself at the gym, etc., etc.
Sources told the gossip site that Bynes management team had tried to reach out to her but haven’t been able to contact her for the past month, so they finally gave up. This kind of makes sense in relation to her statement to People earlier this week that she’s really and truly retiring from acting — but if she is also going into fashion, as she said, she probably still needs those people, right?
We’re really hoping the lawyer that quit isn’t the same one who’s supposed to represent her in court today, when she’s scheduled to face a judge for her April hit-and-run charge.
Dina Lohan is really doing her best to beat ex-husband Michael in the competition for Worst Parent in the World this week. On the heels of her seemingly intoxicated appearance on Dr. Phil and as Lindsay Lohan sits accused of swiping a dude with her Porsche, Dina gave an interview to the New York Daily News that just kind of makes everything worse. The News asked whether would she still allow Lindsay to go into acting, if she could do it all over.
“I was born into the business. My mother was an entertainer. It was natural. But yes, in the next life, I might not do it.”
At the same time, Lohan denies responsibility for her daughter. “I’m certainly not making excuses for Lindsay’s behavior,” Dina told the paper. “But she’s a 26-year-old woman.” Read more…
The news that there’s a 20-minute sex tape starring Kanye West being shopped around probably shouldn’t surprise us too much, especially given Yeezy’s fondness for Kim Kardashian’s tape. Folks at Radar Online have seen the video and say it’s definitely Kanye doing the deed with a woman whose “bodacious curves, dusky skin and long black hair” make her look like Kim. The tape sounds thought-out, too: Kanye reportedly sets up the camera and the woman clearly states that she is 18. She also confuses us by saying, “My husband and I don’t have sex anymore… that’s why I’m here!” — um, she’s only 18 and already in a sexless marriage?
Anyway, what is surprising is that Kanye is reportedly in a panic about the tape getting out now. It sounds like he made it just before he and Kim hooked up, and is deeply regretting this decision. Uh-oh. We can’t even imagine how much it would cost to keep something like this quiet. According to Radar’s “expert,” Kanye’s performance “far outweighs Kim’s,” so maybe he should just let it get out there? Relax and take a tip from your girlfriend’s family, ‘Ye: When it comes to exposure, more is more.
Of course both members of our favorite (currently separating) celebrity couple are on successful sitcoms this fall. Of course they are. As a result, Amy Poehler and Will Arnett are everywhere this month, and we feel like we’re trapped in a glass cage of emotion! Take Amy’s ridiculous sweet anecdotes about her little Cheeto babies Archie and Abel for example. “They play like bear cubs. All day long, they roll around,” the Parks & Rec star laughed on Ellen today, adding “They go to the same school and when they say goodbye to each other, it’s like they’re both getting on ships to the new country. They hold hands and kiss each other and say goodbye. It’s so cute.” Gotta…keep it…together. Don’t…cry…over…famous family…you…don’t even…know. Picture…the…Obamas.
Then, just when we think we’ve crammed our inappropriate ball of sadness back down our throats, we stumbled upon the new Up All Night promo featuring Arnett and Christina Applegate:
It’s days like these we’re glad we’re not police detectives. Every other day…well, it’s our biggest regret. The New York Post has the security footage from Lindsay Lohan‘s alleged hit-and-run accident Tuesday night, and it’s about as opaque as the bystanders’ tastefully obscured faces. On one hand, you do not see tourists leaping out of the way as Lindsay careens into The Dream Hotel on two wheels, nor do they, you know, act in any way like they’ve just witnessed an accident. On the other hand, you do see someone (ostensibly Jose Rodriquez, the man who claimed Lindsay struck him) hustling after the car as it drives out of frame.
We honestly don’t know what information, if any, to take away from the video, though we do know it’s not nearly as big a disaster as…
Humina humina! Is it gross to refer to the new Les Miserablesfirst look video as “musical movie porn”? It is, isn’t it? Very gross? Ah, we see. Forget we said anything! Let’s just watch it a dozen more times on repeat. “It’s going to be different for sure. It’s the first time anyone’s tried it like this,” Anne Hathaway explains in the new clip. The main difference to us seems to be the fact that they’ve taken a musical people are literally obsessed with…and successfully translated it for the big screen! We may be counting our tubercular French chickens before they hatch, but there were at least five elements in this new video that had us gasping in delight:
She’s baaaaacccck! We have to admit that we sort of forgot about Paris Hilton for a while there. What with much more talented and interesting celebrity disaster areas like Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes to keep track of, the heiress just sort of slipped our mind. But (un)fortunately, Paris is yet again making headlines thanks to some homophobic comments she made that were caught on tape. RadarOnline has the audio, and it’s pretty rough.
It all went down — as so many sketchy things do — late one night in the back of a cab. Paris was apparently coming back from a New York Fashion Week party with a friend, who is an openly gay male model. To pass the time Paris’ friend was giving her lessons on the homosexual dating app Grindr, a well-known hookup tool. According to the tape, Paris’ delicate sensibilities were offended by Grindr, and she made her displeasure known. “Ewww. Eww. To get f—ed? Gay guys are the horniest people in the world,” said the star of One Night in Paris. “They’re disgusting. Dude, most of them probably have AIDS. I would be so scared if I were a gay guy. You’ll, like, die of AIDS.”
She’s been a bad, bad girl. Fifteen years after releasing the track that made her famous, it looks like Fiona Apple is finally a “Criminal” for real! The 35-year-old singer was arrested at a border checkpoint in Texas yesterday after authorities found hash in her tour bus. But we didn’t need to tell you that. All you have to do is read a recent interview with her to know this was bound to happen sooner or later.
According to TMZ, the arrest happened in the town of Sierra Blanca, which is also the town where Willie Nelson, Snoop Dogg and Armie Hammer have also all been busted for possession. Damn, either they’ve got a really awesome drug force, or they just really hate entertainment people. We’re awaiting more information, but as of now Fiona is currently still being held at the Hudspeth County Jail. We hope it doesn’t derail her comeback tour promoting The Idler Wheel Is Wiser Than the Driver of the Screw and Whipping Cords Will Serve You More Than Ropes Will Ever Do, her first new record since 2005. That would bum us out even more than learning that we’re not the first people to make a “Criminal” joke.
Soapbox time, folks. Today’s New York Post has a “spy” quoted as saying Blake Lively is “glowing” now that she’s back on the Gossip Girl set, following her surprise (to us) wedding to Ryan Reynolds earlier this month. And everyone is on “bump-watch.” You know why they’re on bump watch? Because Blake is usually really careful about what she eats, but since her wedding, she seems to be eating a lot more.”
Hold on a second. Could she also be “glowing” because she just got back from a honeymoon? Could she be eating more because she’s no longer under the stress of planning a wedding, which tends to zap many a bride-to-be’s appetite? Sorry, since getting married almost 10 years ago, I’ve been hounded by people’s jokes that I’m pregnant literally every time I get sick. And once I did finally decide to have a kid, no one guessed it at all. People love to pretend they know everything that’s going on in another lady’s womb, don’t they? If she is pregnant, great for her! She’s all set with a new hubby and a house in the suburbs. But how’s about we let Blake enjoy a meal or two before we start with this stuff.