We almost inhaled our protein powder this morning when we read a rumor claiming JWoww had gotten engaged to long-time love Roger Mathews. According to the New York Daily News, the Snooki & JWoww star and her manfriend have been affianced “for a while,” but kept their betrothal mum in order not to draw attention from the arrival of Snooki‘s baby Lorenzo. Hmmm, a Jersey Shore star not wanting to steal focus? Yeah, doesn’t really add up to us. As it turns out, the story didn’t add up to Jenni either. “Ummm me and @RogerMathewsNJ are not engaged!!! Hopefully one day but don’t believe the bs reports,” JWoww tweeted after being peppered with congratulations. We, for one, are glad JWoww cleared things up. After all..have you seen her relationship with Roger on Snooki & JWoww?
Okay, look: obviously the only two people who know the true nature of a relationship are the two people in that relationship. That being said, everything JWoww and Roger do is recorded and put on television along with a dubstep soundtrack, so we’re pretty sure we’ve got the basic idea. Based on the first season of Snooki & JWoww, Jenni and Roger fight almost constantly over the smallest things. Seeing as how fights can be edited to look longer and more intense, we would be remiss if we didn’t point out that Roger constantly and loudly complains that they haven’t had sex in months…and JWoww jokingly confirms that he’s right. On television. We want every Jersey Shore castmember to be happy in his or her own way, but we don’t know if these two are ready to take the plunge. Maybe we can start with Deena getting married, and we’ll work our way up from there, okay? Okay.
[Photo: Splash News Online]
Have we really not had a truly epic VMA beef since Kanye went totally Kanye and snatched Taylor Swift‘s mic in 2009? How time flies. Tonight the MTV VMAs honor those artists who have crafted a truly superior piece of visual art to accompany their music. But a well-crafted celebrity feud? Well, that’s even harder to come by. So we went ahead and predicted some fantasy VMA celebrity feuds for them, just to get the ball rolling! It’s like using The Secret, except you probably shouldn’t use The Secret to have someone yank out Lana Del Rey’s weave…
You might recall that aggressive voicemail rant Alec Baldwin left his daughter Ireland back in 2008? It’s been playing in your nightmares ever since? It involved the 30 Rock star calling his tweenage offspring a “pig,” a “daughter-of-a-bitch,” a “thoughtless pain in the ass” and, most insanely, “twelve or eleven or whatever”? Yeah, that’s the one. Just for reference, Ireland was in fact twelve at the time, and unlike every other 12-year-old on the planet, seems to have taken the name calling in stride. “The only problem with that voicemail was that people made it out to be a way bigger deal than it was,” Ireland explained to Page Six this week. “He’s said stuff like that before just because he’s frustrated. For me it was like, ‘OK, whatever.’ I called him back and I was like, ‘Sorry Dad, I didn’t have my phone.’ That was it.” At least, that would have been it if the voicemail hadn’t subsequently been leaked to the press. And if it wasn’t horrible to listen to.
On one hand, it’s easy to take angry arguments out of context. On the other hand, Alec has apparently said stuff like that before? To his child? Out loud? We love Jack Donaghey more than our own distant workaholic Irish Catholic fathers, but this is too much! Not that an Internet parody wouldn’t help take the edge off. “We almost did something funny on YouTube, of me calling him and yelling at him. We were just talking about it the other week,” Ireland said, adding, “I’ve always had a great relationship with my dad.” Would a self-made parody four years after the fact be genius, or just make the whole thing sadder? We need a Liz Lemon up in here to hash this whole thing out!
[Photo: Splash News Online]
Who arrives at their destination after a cross-continental flight and looks better than when they took off? Kristen Stewart, naturally. Late last night, the actress landed in Toronto, where she’ll attend the Toronto International Film Festival screening of On the Road today. It will be her first public appearance since that whole traumatic mess blew up in July, so she was understandably press shy as the paps snapped her before taking off and after landing. Still, she looked pretty damn good in her T-shirt, jeans, leather jacket, dark-framed glasses and loose, wavy hair. Unfortunately, she made one mistake that People and Radar have already pounced on: That “Irie” T-shirt is one that maybe-ex-boyfriend Robert Pattinson was photographed wearing when he walked his dog last year. And god, when you think about it, this is really both devastating and embarrassing.
Wow, these two. If Taylor Swift and Conor Kennedy are our new American royalty, Nickelback‘s Chad Kroeger and Avril Lavigne are the Canadian crown prince and princess respectively. They’re…they’re not actually Canadian royalty, are they? That would be too perfect. In case we didn’t already associate the musical couple with the Great White North, Chad gave an People interview today where he made sure to remind us. “We think it’s very cool that our anniversary will always be on Canada Day,” he gushed. “We can’t wait to start our life together.” It’s like if Beyonce and Jay-Z got engaged on Independence Day! Then raved about it to People! Of course, the fact Avril and Chad wear their patriotism on their black, shredded t-shirt sleeves is only one example of how deeply Canadian this couple is. In case you need a few more…
And this whole time we thought they were your standard issue repressed Irish Catholics! We guess we should have gotten the hint when Victoria Gifford Kennedy complained to the Boston Herald about Taylor Swift‘s wedding crashing last month, rather than silently clench her jaw and swirl her high ball glass, Lucille Bluth-style. While the mother-of-the-bride might still be peeved, it looks like there are plenty of Kennedys who are more than happy to swoon to the press about the latest quasi-addition to their clan. “We love Taylor Swift,” former Congressman and Conor Kennedy relative Patrick Kennedy gushed to TMZ. “She’s been a great friend and we’re happy for Conor.” A great friend! Aw, that is some Taylor-level cuteness right there. Maybe she has met her madras-plaid-and-Peter-Pan-collar match after all!
Of course, seeing as how Taylor Swift already raved about the family to Rolling Stone, attended at least one of their religious ceremonies unannounced and bought a house down the block, we should hope the Kennedys think she’s the bee’s knees. Exclaimed Patrick, “If she wants to be in the family, she’s already a part of it.” Whoa, do you think Taylor could handle a family as intense as she is? (It would take a whole family, wouldn’t it?) We can’t wait to hear Conor’s first album of angst pop ballads to find out!
[Photo: Splash News Online]
Same multiple vehicular infractions, same child star past, same mile-long extensions and thousand-yard stare: if it wasn’t for the name, we’d might think the latest update bout Amanda Bynes‘ constant string of minor car accidents was just Lindsay Lohan news recycled from 2010. Or 2011. Or, um, from earlier this summer. Granted, Lindsay never went so far as to tweet at President Obama demanding he both clear her of DUI charges and “fire the cop who arrested” her as Bynes did, but other than that both ladies seem equally as likely to act like it’s celebrity bumper cars up in here.
According to TMZ, the All That alum is now being charged with two counts of hit-and-run, the first from an April incident where Amanda drunkenly sideswiped a cop car, the second from a fender bender back in August. Authorities allegedly brought the charges after determining that damage to the victim’s car matched that sustained by Bynes’ vehicle. If convicted on both counts, the actress could face up to a year in jail. Oh dear god, remember when Lindsay was in jail? That first time? We are not prepared to go through all of that again. For either of them!
[Photo: Getty Images]
Ugh, Katy Perry and John Mayer, you know how to play us like a fiddle. Clearly you want us to know/think your love is continuing to blossom despite rumors of your break-up, as evidenced by your date at Little Door last night. How do we know your romantic evening was at least partially for our benefit? Luckily for you, we’re something of a celeb dating detective agency. We’re like Sherlock Holmes, but for secret A-list canoodling. We also rock a fierce deerstalker from time to time. Those never go out of style.
People’s Exhibit A: If John and Katy weren’t interested in letting any of us plebs know the details of their dating life, they would have done what all normal couples do: order in Chinese and watch Creep Show 2 on Netflix. In private. No paps would mean none of us normals would be the wiser, so it seems pretty obvious they wanted to be photographed together.
Am I the only one who’s felt there was a huge void in the universe since Zooey Deschanel and Ben Gibbard split up? Now, we can all breathe a sigh of relief and go back to browsing Etsy for hand-embroidered bicycle baskets because Us Weekly reports that Girls writer/creator/star Lena Dunham is dating Fun. guitarist Jack Antonoff. Quirky, multi-talented girl and horned-rim glasses wearing musician? Yes, please!
“They’re trying to keep it a secret,” a source told the magazine. But they’ve already collaborated on a video for the New Yorker and she’s allegedly asked to use a Fun. song on Girls next season.
Another clue to their relationship, Dunham tweeted about Antonoff’s recent interview with MTV News, in which he shared a photo he took of himself and Fiona Apple when he was a kid at the 1997 VMAs. “Best thing that’s happened yet in America,” she wrote. Well, maybe that time Shoshanna smoked crack might have this moment beat. But it’s a close tie.
Crossing fingers for them to appear together at the VMAs tomorrow!
[Photos: Getty Images]
We all just enjoyed a nice long weekend, the four-day work week is already 25% over and we got to see Jeremy Renner fight a machine gun-wielding witch in the Hansel And Gretel: Witch Hunters trailer: of course we had to hear some depressing news before the day was out! It’s just a matter of statistics! To wit, TMZ is reporting that William Shatner and his wife allegedly “harassed and berated” former employees Oscar and Delmy Alfaro until the handyman and housekeeper were forced to quit their jobs, despite their 20 employment history with the Shatners. Yup, that’s….that’s pretty terrible.
According to the Alfaros, who filed a lawsuit with the Los Angeles County Superior Court today, the Star Trek star and spouse allegedly persecuted them after Oscar got injured on the job and refused to sign a waiver. The couple is suing the Shatners for damages, claiming that they suffered “humiliation, embarrassment, and mental anguish in addition to the loss of earnings.” Oh lord, we hope this whole thing turns out not to be true. Is there no ironic television icon we can look to anymore? David Hasselhoff, you might be our last, best hope. Please do not betray us until at least next Wednesday, we beg of you!
[Photo: Getty Images]