We didn’t know Doug Pitt existed until this week, and already he’s pulling ahead of Brad Pitt as our favorite Pitt of all time. Brad, a lot of that is on you. A lot of it is on you. After starring in a particularly witty Virgin Mobile ad campaign that riffs on his Everyman status, Doug is enjoying a few moments in the limelight, as opposed having his parents introduce him as, to use the words of A League Of Their Own, their other son, Brad Pitt’s brother. “It’s a little surreal, but it’s fun,” Brad Pitt’s brother told the Today show this morning. “This whole campaign was to be tongue in cheek and to have fun. And luckily, it’s hit its mark.” Meanwhile, Brad should be quaking in his unkempt goatee that his sibling is about to steal the nation’s heart out from under him. Why exactly are we all about Doug of a sudden? We are so glad you asked…
Holy Xenu, that was fast! Katie Holmes’ attorney just confirmed to People today that she and Tom Cruise have reached a settlement less than two weeks after Katie filed in New York. “The case has been settled and the agreement has been signed. We are thrilled for Katie and her family and are excited to watch as she embarks on the next chapter of her life,” attorney Jonathan Wolfe said in a statement.
This has to be one of the quickest divorce settlements in the history of celebrity splits. And it’s making us miiiiighty suspicious. Last week, Holmes filed to make the divorce public, leading many to speculate that Cruise had some kind of secret he didn’t want to get out via court papers, which Holmes was in turn using as a bargaining chip. Was it a deep dark Scientology secret? Was he actually having an affair with David Beckham? Was he secretly lip-synching in Rock of Ages? The world may never know now. But the fact that they announced this settlement so quickly makes us feel we have free reign to believe all of the above. Just kidding! Journalism!
Tom Cruise‘s lawyer might have a theory about where all the Tom Cruise/Katie Holmes divorce rumors are coming from, but if he thinks any of us are going to get tired of TomKat’s break-up anytime soon…oh boy, he is sorely mistaken. “Tactically we can’t say where Tom will file a divorce case and if he’ll be seeking joint custody of Suri,” Cruise’s litigator Bert Fields told the BBC. “We are letting ‘the other side’ (Katie and her team) play the media until they wear everyone out and then we’ll have something to say.” Wear everyone out? With details about two A-listers getting a surprise divorce? Has this guy ever been on the Internet?
Some, like The Hollywood Reporter, postulate that Cruise’s next move might be to file for divorce in California in an attempt to up his chances of getting joint custody of Suri. Meanwhile, Katie Holmes spent some time today visiting her divorce lawyer in New York. Man, just typing those sentences made us exhausted. Haha, just kidding! We could type TomKat gossip all night long. It’s what 5-Hour Energy shots were invented for! “It’s not Tom’s style to do this publicly,” Fields added…publicly. “He is really sad about what’s happening.” Well, so are we. We just…aw, well now we feel bad. Not so bad we won’t be providing you up-to-the-second divorce news, but you know what we mean. We still love these kids, after all.
[Photo: Getty Images]
If you had told us the Kim Kardashian/Kris Humphries divorce was going to be a disaster, we would have shaken your hand, happy to meet Captain Obvious of the U.S.S. No Duh You Guys Come On. How wrong we were to underestimate mankind’s ability to turn everything into an even bigger trainwreck than we’d imagined. Let that be humanity’s greatest legacy! As for Kris Humphries’ legacy, he will have his basketball career, his 72-day-long marriage to a Kardashian of his choosing and, according to TMZ, a child he allegedly conceived with recent ex-girlfriend Myla Sinanaj. Oh Kris. You (allegedly) done goofed.
While every baby is a blessing (especially to Kim Kardashian, who is probably rolling around on a pile of Kanye‘s summer minks and laughing right now), it wasn’t that long ago that Kris and Myla were publicly at each other’s throats over her right to even refer to herself as his girlfriend. Humphries was allegedly concerned that having a new relationship would negatively affect the financial outcome of his divorce from Kim, though he probably should have been concerned about all the unprotected sex he was allegedly having with other ladies. TMZ reports that Myla is approximately three months pregnant and certain that the child is Kris’. More importantly, it’s not Kim’s! Enjoy a good laugh with you can, girl. There’s no telling what insane-o detail will emerge tomorrow!
[Photo: Splash News Online]
So many of the rumors about Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise‘s divorce center on Scientology, we’re starting to suspect this is all part of Anonymous’ plot to take down the religion, or was that Paul Haggis’ plot? Whatever. We can’t pretend to understand L. Ron Hubbard’s teachings or the many mysteries surrounding the Church of Scientology (most of what we know, we learned from that South Park episode, really), but we can round up all of what we’ve heard and read in one convenient place. Enjoy!
- Some say Katie’s main reason for filing was to protect Suri from the Scientology practice of auditing — which is a method of questioning that helps the subject clear themselves of negative influences. We’re probably explaining this wrong, so find out all about it here. Katie herself didn’t seem all that comfortable with auditing, as she supposedly held back during questioning. Also, an ex-Scientologist says her parents were getting inside reports about what she said during the process. That’s extra, extra creepy.
- By the way, the Church is not opposed to divorce in and of itself, according to ABC News. They just prefer couples try therapy first. Fair enough.
- Speculation that Tom Cruise’s marriages are all a Scientology scheme to hide his sexuality are nothing new, so is that really the religion’s M.O.? ReligiousTolerance.org outlines Scientology’s stance on homosexuality. Basically Hubbard originally called being gay an illness (but that’s what all of psychology thought in the 1950s, too). But in the past two decades, some gay Scientologists have said that they are fully accepted by the religion. Hmmm, that’s not to say they wouldn’t want to help one of their most prominent members stay in the closet.
And now the little one? Dang. Last time we checked, Tallulah Willis was maturely warning others against the dangers of starving yourself before Coachella; now photos of Demi Moore‘s youngest daughter smoking a joint while topless are allegedly being shopped around to the highest bidder. Not that those two things are at odds with each other (the photos might have been taken at Coachella, for all we know), but still. Yuck.
We can’t imagine Tallulah’s eminent scandal is going over well at home, especially if rumors about the rocky relationship between Demi and her girls is true. According to RadarOnline, the relationship between Moore and her kids has reached a “breaking point” due to Demi’s continued struggle to avoid relapse. We guess Moore’s rehab visit and ongoing battle completely overshadowed her daughters’ lives in our minds, because we only just now realized that Tallulah’s bidness is merely the latest bit of Willis daughter drama in a pretty long history. It’s bad news when your daughter’s semi-nude photo drama can’t even top your own, is all we’re saying. Check out the other Willis daughter dirt we had completely forgotten about in the wake of Demi’s dilemmas:
- Read more…
We’re not exactly sure what to make of this latest Taylor Swift boyfriend rumor. But since the girl has proven to have broad tastes in men, and seems to have no trouble attracting (if not keeping) anyone she likes, it’s not impossible that she’s dating Patrick Schwarzenegger. She was photographed hanging with the entire Kennedy clan for their big Hyannis Port, Massachusetts, July 4th celebration.
TMZ says Swift was spotted laughing with Maria Shriver and Arnold Schwarzenegger’s 18-year-old son and that later they took a stroll on the beach together. That of course means they’re a hot item and planning on having babies together. How do we even know it was Patrick that Taylor was there to see? She usually goes for men much older than herself. Then again, Patrick — one of our male Bikini Awards nominees — is quite the cutie, and we don’t think we’d turn down a date at the Kennedy Compound, would you?
For those of you who’ve lost track, here is a gallery of Taylor’s many past and future breakup song subjects, er, we mean guys she’s maybe dated.
[Photos: Getty Images, Splash News Online]
“Stop! We don’t want to hear any more of these filthy Lindsay Lohan/James Deen sex rumors” is what no one is saying this week about the two biggest names in Bret Easton Ellis‘ upcoming erotic thriller The Canyons. But just in case we were already sick of gossip that didn’t exist, Deen took it upon himself to clear the air. “I can definitely, honestly say Lindsay Lohan and I are not having sex!,” Deen told Animal New York. “[If I was] I think I would tell everybody.” Why would you tell ever….you know what? This isn’t real, so we don’t have to get worked up about it. We’ll save our inappropriate rage for a real celeb rumor.
On the other hand…remember that time Lindsay allegedly, uh, spent some quality time with another porn actor by the name of Alex Torres earlier this year? At least we heard that rumor before we mentally dismissed it. “I don’t know anything about her except for that she’s a really nice, down-to-earth, normal twenty-five-year-old girl,” James went on. “We went to a business dinner and she was very professional. She drank coffee and water. Then she had to call for a car because she couldn’t walk ten feet from the door because of the paparazzi.” Okay, that sounds more like it. Aw, now we kind of wish we had heard this rumor…luckily they’re not done shooting yet! There’s still time! There’s plenty of time for them to start some sex rumors!
On one hand, Tom Cruise‘s whole world is crashing down around him now that Katie Holmes filed for divorce, forcing him to cut short his 50th birthday festivities in Iceland and causing widespread speculation about his most intimate personal business. On the other hand, according to Forbes Cruise is still the highest paid actor in Hollywood (though if the rumor that he prevented Katie from doing a Dawson’s Creek reunion proves to be true, so help us, we will take everything from him. Everything.) Call us crazy, but one out of two ain’t bad!
Having pulled in $75 million in large part due to the success of Mission: Impossible-Ghost Protocol, Tom made over twice as much as the second highest paid man in Hollywood, Leo DiCaprio. The A-list…list also includes the likes of Adam Sandler, Robert Pattinson and Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson. For those of you jawing away about how much Katie will and will not make from the divorce, we’re sorry to bust your conspiracy theory bubble. According to TMZ, the actress will receive virtually none of Tom’s money, retaining the assets she brought into the marriage, as well as probably child support. “She’s not about the money. She’s not that girl. She loves to work,” their source claims. “Money is not that important to her. She makes plenty on her own.” Well, with dough like that, Tom, you can probably just buy yourself love! Hmmm, unless you can’t do that? If only there was some sort of song that explained that conclusively…
Having to pay a fine for “failing to use to the sidewalk” has to be the most embarrassing thing Deena Cortese has had to deal with since joining Jersey Shore (Just kidding! Here are photos of her bathing suit falling down). We’re glad Deena won’t face criminal charges after being hauled in for disorderly conduct last month, but there is something deeply funny about having to pay the government money in order to make up for your drunken street dancing. Of course, Deena isn’t the only Jersey devil who’s had a hilariously random interaction with the legal system. Here are our favorite Jersey Shore legal matters that had Snooki & Co. checking out the inside of a courtroom, not to mention breaking a penal code or two…
[Photo: Splash News Online] Read more…