Well, this is meta. The Joaquin Phoenix “documentary” I’m Still Here which chronicled the eccentric beardo’s transition from acting to hip-hop was all fake. Which means that everything in the past two years – the creepy David Letterman appearance, the retirement announcement, the gnarly facial hair – it was all for the movie. So basically we were all duped into thinking he was kinda nutso, but really, he’s not nutso he just wanted us to think he was, which is nutso in itself. We are exhausted.
Director Casey Affleck told the New York Times yesterday that the movie, which has been labeled a documentary and shows the cameras following Phoenix for the better part of two years is simply “a terrific performance, itÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s the performance of his career.” Affleck said “I never intended to trick anybody. The idea of a quote, hoax, unquote, never entered my mind.” The confirmation that the film was phony makes us marvel at the commitment and secrecy involved, but just like The Blair Witch Project, it’s kind of like, once you find out it’s not real, it’s just not as interesting. Besides, if we’re going to watch a movie directed by an Affleck this fall, you know it’s going to be The Town.
Oh, the trailer for The Tourist. Where do we even begin? Judging from the 2 minute clip this movie was almost called Oceans 17: Duplicity, but thankfully wiser heads prevailed. Sadly, both Johnny Depp and Angelina Jolie have aged 2930282 years since we last saw them, and Angelina does herself no favors by adopting some sort of British-Texan accent. Yeee-haaa-ow do you do?
Yeah, we know it’s not nice to pick on people for aging, which is life’s natural progression and something at which we are very skilled. Seriously, ants could get lost in the wrinkles on our forehead. But yet, we snark, because it’s their job to look like well-oiled robots and our job to call it out if they don’t. We already noted Johnny Depp’s transformation from dream hunk to bloat face, and got reamed out by an army of Depp-heads in the comments section of that post. But seriously guys, you can’t watch this trailer and not notice his wrinkled, Botoxed resemblance to Mickey Rourke. Not that there’s anything wrong with that (right, people who love to reference Seinfeld?)!
Frankly, we love them. Hailing from the great Commonwealth of Massachusetts as we do, we have immense pride in all things MA. The Red Sox, clam chowdah, watching Chronicle on channel 5 (anyone?), and yes, Matt Damon and Ben Affleck, the local boys who made good and who we still have an affinity for, mainly because they’re some of the only actors to do the Boston accent justice. So it’s kind of awesome to see that the local premiere of The Town, Affleck’s latest film which he helmed as director, took place at Fenway Park and brought out several local celebrities, Damon included.
Even though we live in Yankees territory these days, our heart is still with the Green Monster and we’re a little sad not to be able to go to this premiere. Of course, pahking the cah would have been a nightmayah, so maybe it was for the best.
Producer Jerry Bruckheimer has been responsible for a string of hit blockbusters from Flashdance to the Pirates of the Caribbean. So why did audiences stay away from Prince of Persia? Maybe America just isn’t ready for a hero in a turban. Jake Gyllenhaal, boasting WWE-worthy muscles, is the orphan adopted by Persian royalty. He goes on the run after being accused of murdering his adoptive father with a poisoned cloak. In tow is a beautiful princess (Gemma Arterton) with futon-like lips who hopes to unsheathe the twinkling hunk’s mystic time-warping dagger. In arid pursuit is manipulative fiend Ben Kingsley and an army of what the film calls “Hassansins.” Lost already? Following the story is as fruitless as a desert, but any plot complications are shunted aside in favor of a bazaar-load of Middle East exotica and swashbuckling thrills that detonate with greater regularity than IEDs in a Baghdad market square. The sharpest line, though, may go to Alfred Molina‘s bumptious oasis swindler, who observes, “You can’t run an ostrich race with only one ostrich.”
Long-necked land birds also feature along with a menagerie of other weirdness in this week’s other notable release, My Son, My Son, What Have Ye Done?. Crazy aspiring actor Michael Shannon holds a pair of flamingos (“eagles in drag”) hostage. Coffee-swilling cop Willem Dafoe investigates how the lunatic is related to the dead body in a neighbor’s house. Produced by David Lynch and directed by Grizzly Man‘s Werner Herzog, Son is a neat exercise in absurd tragicomedy, with fine supporting performances from Big Love‘s Chloe Sevigny and cult actor Udo Kier.
Extras: Persia‘s Blu-Ray package includes an interactive feature that allows you to play with Jake’s dagger and access making of content. My Son features an essential commentary track from the always nutty Herzog and a short film.
Easy A is our favorite kind of comedy – a slightly dark high school flick full of young, emerging stars, but chock full of cameos by some veteran actors we love. For a film that takes place in school, one thing is for sure – no one needs style lessons on this red carpet.
The star of the film, Emma Stone, spent most of the last night’s premiere stuck to pal Taylor Swift’s hip and they both looked sparkly and glam in their thigh-high dresses. Putting them both to shame though was Patricia Clarkson, who can class up any joint. Side note – the movie’s cast is kind of insane, right? Clarkson, Lisa Kudrow, Malcom McDowell, and Stanley Tucci? And it’s not even an indie movie with grown-up, depressing themes! Unfortunately the men were absent last night but the ladies all looked amazing. High grades all around for this cast.
Did you see Charlie St. Cloud? Neither did we! But it looked like Zac Efron flexed his acting muscles for the role beyond what we’re used to and we commend him for breaking his Disney mold. Efron is still making the publicity rounds for the film and he’s currently in Spain for its premiere there, where he dressed down for the occasion. Missing from this photo are his ax and the super-absorbent paper towels he’s the spokesman for.
Tired of being disappointed by big-budget box office bombs? If so, consider trying an indie movie on for size the next time you get a hankering to catch a movie. If that sort of mood washes over you anytime soon, might we suggest looking up show times of The Romantics at a theater near you courtesy of your Samsung Epic™ 4G? Speaking of which, our own Janell Snowden caught up with the film’s stars Katie Holmes — she’s tall! — and Malin Akerman earlier this week at the film’s New York City premiere. Check out what they had to say to us below!
Have you seen the trailer for Country Strong yet, the new movie where Gwyneth Paltrow tries to convincingly portray a drunk country singer? Y’all, we have been watching it constantly this morning, partly because we’re fascinated by her accent, and partly because it’s so full of cliches we’ve been busy trying to count them all. Join us, won’t you, in bullet-pointing the predictable and cringey plot-points of this future cult classic. The one thing it has going for it is at least now when we think of Gwyneth singing, her duet of “Cruisin’” won’t be the only thing we think of anymore.
0:15 Country music star Kelly Canter is released from rehab after a bout of drunk and disorderly conduct. Hey, will she relapse, only to find redemption? I wonder!
0:32 Introduction of Kelly’s new, young rival and tourmate, Chiles Stanton played by Leighton Meester. Oh, honey Chiles. She’s the prom queen who idolizes Kelly, which can only mean she goes All About Eve on her ass.
1:13 Kelly’s back on the sauce! Kelly’s back on the sauce! Too much pressure! Too many rivalries! A cute and wise new bandmate! It’s a lot to process. In other news, do any other country singers you know have such defined abs and wear so many diamonds? That’s the Tracy Anderson/Harry Winston effect.
1:19 Punches are thrown between the wise young bandmate and Kelly’s husband! Drunk Kelly collapses in tears because she knows she’s a shell of her former self! Is she going to write a number one song like Bad Blake in Crazy Heart, or try to prove herself to her loved ones like Johnny Cash in Walk The Line? What form will her redemption take??
1:24 “This is Kelly’s last opportunity to turn things around!” says Kelly’s husband/manager Tim McGraw. Of course it is.
1:29 Wait, are they hoboes, riding a train like that? Please let there be hobo flashbacks!
1:37 You just had to bring a children’s cancer ward into this, didn’t you?
1:38 Kelly rises like a phoenix/back-lit American Idol contestant to strum her guitar in front of flags and cars to prove the old girl’s still got it.
1:59 Wait, now she’s doing a jig onstage that doesn’t match the rhythm of this song. Who edited this?
2:04 Leighton Meester shows us how it’s done with the coy-smile-turned-laugh-in-the-credits moment.
2:14 “The first time I heard you sing, I thought, that must be what angels sound like,” said Tim McGraw, who has been reading too many Nicholas Sparks novels.
2:23 Kelly tells Chiles “That’s how it’s done sweetheart,” and she and her wig walk offstage, leaving Chiles to simmer in her cowboy boots an metallic dress.
2:29 The crowd chants “Kelly! Kelly! Kelly!” and we realize that they are a metaphor for all of her relationships and that everything is going to be all right.
Why hello there, love child of Ed Westwick and Robert Pattinson. Who exactly are you and can we have a taste? The man in question, the chiseled statue of sex groping Miley Cyrus in the photo above, is a young chap/lad/fellow (hey, he’s British, we can call him those things) by the name of Douglas Booth, and he’s about to be the star of many a woman’s sex fantasy.
Douglas doesn’t have many credits under his belt, which means he’s ripe for corrupting. He’s 18, models for Burberry alongside Emma Watson, played Boy George in some BBC biopic and is now Miley’s co-star in LOL, currently shooting in Paris.
He caught our eye because he’s got RPattz’s ‘I just boned’ hair and firm man jaw, mixed with the smooshed, delicate facial features of our beloved Chuck Bass. Top that off with a stick-thin body only an 18-year old Brit can rock, and we’re in business. Start crushing on him now so you can be there amidst the rabid crazies to say you found him first.
Ugh, can you imagine waking up every morning with Tom Cruise‘s jowls hanging over you? That’s what poor Katie Holmes suffers through, with only a 1,000,000 thread blanket to hid under and shed her Xenu tears. So we couldn’t help but feel a little tug at the one heart-string we have left when we saw her awkwardly pose with her captor husband on the red carpet of The Romantics premiere. Yes, we know they popped a Suri out and have been grinning like this for 5 years, but we still don’t buy it. Eventually the crazy juice is gonna wear off and Katie is gonna wake up and run for the Hollywood Hills.
Katie’s castmates – Malin Ackerman, Josh “Where’s Fergie?” Duhamel – were also on hand for the big night, smiling uncomfortably for the cameras. Did everyone where clothes that were 2 sizes two small or do rich people just enjoy walking on eggshells? Pics below.