Not even going to use an opening paragraph to preface this post. Adam Lambert. Oh my God. Insane. So wrong. Also, what were some of these kids wearing? But mostly, Adam Lambert. No. Words. Here are our top five moments.
5. Anoop Dogg Vs. Tender Dogg
Anoop Desai professed (not all that shockingly) that country wasn’t his forte during last night’s episode devoted to The Grand Ole Opry, but his especially tender version of “You Were Always On My Mind” will definitely get him through this round, we think. Even if he isn’t the next American Idol, his performance last night bridged a classic song with classic Anoop coolness and made him a serious contender again. Even Simon Cowell said Anoop’s was one of his favorite performances of the night. However we can’t discount Kris Allen, who is also still in the running to win Cute Guy Idol (Side-Mouth-Singing Division). Kris sang Garth Brooks’ “To Make You Feel My Love” and did the whole sitting-on-the-stool-to-bring-the-room-down-a-notch move. It worked, although the bright lights of the Idol studio created quite a glare off his wedding band and only emphasized the fact that it’s his wife who gets to feel his love. (Under the protection of their his-and-hers aprons, of course). Randy Jackson started calling Kris “Tender Dogg” (dawg? dog?) because of his sweet singing, a name we don’t like. All we can think of when we heard it is our worst Chinese food nightmares come true.
4. Wardrobe Malfunctions
These guys have stylists working with them, there is NO need for any of them to look bad. And yet, weekly, some of them can’t pull it together. Even Megan Joy (no more Corkrey? What, is she the John Cougar Mellencamp of this season?) who was dealing with the flu looked stunning, but we take issue with Danny Gokey, Alexis Grace and Anoop. Danny was dressed like a safari astronaut this week. (And seriously, he changed his glasses again this week. We’ve heard of Transitions Lenses but maybe he invented Transitions Frames, the frames that adjust to your outfit?) Then Alexis Grace was dressed up to look like a child who got into her mother’s sequins and Manic Panic drawer, she looked so tiny and overdone. And, much as we love Anoop Dogg, we have to say that in the same way that Willie Nelson owns “You Were Always On My Mind,” Ellen DeGeneres owns the hoodie and blazer look.
3. Simon on Lil
We always catch ourselves typing an apostrophe after Lil Rounds‘ first name even though there shouldn’t be one, and now we know we’re not the only ones who’ve had an issue with it. When it came time for Simon Cowell to critique Lil’s performance he started off by saying “Look, Little. It was — Little? Lil. That song will — Little? Lil? Okay. Lil. Little. It’s Lil, which is short for Little.” He had Paula and the audience trying to correct him and we can’t say we blame him for the error, but it was hilarious how long his confusion lasted.
2. Megan’s a Joy
Our love affair with Megan (Joy) (Corkrey) is ending, we think. Gorgeous and quirky though she may be, her weird enunciation and jamsy dancing are getting to be too much for us. We’ll cut slack for her being in the hospital with the flu all week, but still, not our favorite singer of the night. She sang Patsy Cline which is sacred in these here parts (you know, Brooklyn), and it’s not that we hated her rendition of “I Go Walkin’ After Midnight,” it’s that we hated how she pronounced “I go walkin’ after midnight.” It dawned on us that she kinda speaks like a lolcat.
Ah go-a walkin! Afterrr midnaight.
Out in da mooonlaight.
Jast laik we yoosda doo.
Ah go-a walkin’…
Sechin foh yooo.Oh hay vote fer me?
1. Choo Choo! Look out for that sitar! Crash!!! Hey, that sounded like The Adam Lambert Train Wreck!
Randy Travis, the night’s special guest, said right off the bat, “I don’t even know what to say about this boy.” Randy. Friend. We don’t either. It pains us just to write about that ear-violating performance Adam Lambert gave of “Ring of Fire.” Simon succinctly said “What the hell was that? There are lots of people throwing their televisions out the window right now. I thought it was absolute indulgent rubbish.” We love our TV too much to throw it out a window, but the sentiment rings true. In a way we respect Lambert for not covering the Johnny Cash version of the song. The entire Cash estate respects him for that, we guess. But let this be a lesson, just because the Beatles were handy with a sitar does not mean it can be applied liberally to other areas of pop music.
Also, every week, Lambert’s hair takes on more black-with-colored-highlights and it’s very Rio from Jem, no? Has this performance shown any of our pro-Lambert readers the light?
Final Thoughts:
What was Simon thinking, telling Alexis she was a little too “soundalike” during “Jolene”? Um…no. If she sounded too much like Dolly Parton we would have loved it and clearly she didn’t and we didn’t.
Kara DioGuardi telling Matt Giraud after he sang “So Small”: “Matt, there is nothing small about you!” Keep it in your pants, Kara! (Or your silver lamé dress, as the case may be).
Paula and Simon catfight. Ugh. Could you guys not? It’s like being an adult and watching your parents fight about like, which car to take to the store. You’re still made uncomfortable but you’re also like, God does this make me the mature one?
If we had to guess who’s going to be eliminated this week, we’re gonna take a stab and say Matt Giraud is going home only because when we saw him at the top of the show we thought to ourselves “Hey, it’s that Ricky Braddy guy. Or whatever his name is.”
