Ikea Invents State-Of-The-Art Doggie High Chair

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I had to pause the above video about 15 seconds in to stop, think real hard, and realize this whole thing is an elabroate hoax, no… an elaborate April Fool’s Day Prank. The reason for my hesitation? Simply put, every single thing in Ikea could qualify as some sort of joke. It’s like “Sure, delicious jumbo hot dogs for a dollar?? Nice try, Ikea, but I am well aware that today is April 1, known in America as April Fool‘s Day. And I’m no fool, pal, I’m on to your– What’s that? It’s October 12 and those hot dogs really are $1 each? I’ll take one hundred thousand to go please.” — Me during every single Ikea visit.

What kind of store without a genius sense of humor would think to sell people furniture, sometimes heavy-duty, serious furniture, which they then require be put together at home by the purchaser? I have never in my life encountered an Ikea dresser or bookshelf where at least one of the components is 25 degrees off, or a dare isn’t unhinged and leaning against the side. I don’t care who you are, the more Ikea furny you have in your house, the higher the likelihood that your parents will think you have a drug problem.

Hell, the more I think about it, the entire country of Sweden is borderline parody. This guy? And this guy??? Come on. That’s hilåriöus.

xoxo
Dolph Lundgren

BONUS: If you’ve ever wondered what a piece of Ikea furniture would sound like if it was named after you, click here.

(via ONTD)

Avatar 2, Future 3-D Films Will Be “Reality,” Says James Cameron

by (@hallekiefer)

We don’t know nothing (read: anything) about shooting movies, but apparently faster film rates are about to change our lives, technologically-speaking. According to James Cameron, 3-D movies made with increased frame-rates won’t just bring the audience alien love-making at it’s most vivid. There will actually be aliens making love in front of them. “When you author and project a movie at 48 or 60, it becomes a different movie,” Cameron raved at CinemaCon this week. “The 3-D shows you a window into reality; the higher frame rate takes the glass out of the window. In fact, it is just reality.” We don’t know if we really want Pandora and the Na’vi to become reality, though that would at least make 3-D ticket prices seem less outrageous.

Given Cameron’s plans for Avatar 2 and 3, it sounds like we have a whole lot of practically naked blue realness headed our way. The director also suggested the industry shoot movies in 3-D to begin with, given that converting 2-D film is incredibly expensive. “It is not cheap. It is not fast. If you want do it right, you can do it right,” Cameron admonished. If the cost is really that much, can we please not go back and make Aliens a reality? Brain-braids are back enough; we couldn’t deal with those face-huggers zooming at us while we try to eat our Raisinets.

WANT: Pulled Pork & Pierogi Pretzel Sandwich

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Behold, the new sandwich this year at PNC Park in Pittsburgh: “The Pulled Pork and Pierogi Stacker piles house-smoked pulled pork on top of a Breadworks pretzel roll with caramelized onions and two potato pierogies.”

Baseball is great. If you need further elaboration on that comment, you can find me on the exact spot where this sandwich is sitting in the photo, ending my life. It’s been BUN, y’all! (As in, pretzel instead of one. Can’t make sentence logic, brain pre-emptively saving energy to digest this sandwich.)

Oh, and another one for good measure:

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No Bones About It: Emily Deschanel Is Pregnant

by (@hallekiefer)

Looks like Zooey Deschanel’s sister is filled with Bones. Little teeny baby bones, that is! Ugh, we’re sorry. People just confirmed Bones‘ star Emily Deschanel’s pregnancy, but we’re having a hard time coming up with cute jokes since the mommy-to-be plays a no-nonsense forensic pathologist. We mean, she spends each episode knee-deep in dead bodies. Not exactly baby shower material, you feel us?

Let’s try this again. You know who probably has really weird bones? It’s Always Sunny‘s Rickety Cricket, played by Deschanel’s husband and soon-to-be papa David Hornsby. Ugh, no, still too gross for a happy baby post. The couple met in 2007, and married last September; this will be the first child for both. We hope the proud parents don’t have a bone…to pick with us if we dig up…some info on whether their kid is going to be a boy or girl. Cadavers, Argh, we were so close!

[Photo: Getty Images]

TRAILER MIX: MTV’s Teen Wolf Truly Captures The Gritty Violence Of The Original

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When you think of the original Michael J. Fox Teen Wolf, what comes to mind? Super dark, violent, gritty, lots of inner-turmoil, super-gritty wolf-inspired dance craze scene? Me too! All of those things in that order. Here’s the trailer for the new MTV Teen Wolf series, which really captures the dark, isolated feel of the original film that Eugene Mirman once summed up with the one-sentence description, “I want to f*ck but also I’m a wolf!”

The only part I don’t get is, why does him being a wolf make him suddenly great at lacrosse? We all know that the ONLY sport affected by wolf powers is basketball, and that they also rub off on your teammate if he’s Francis from Pee Wee’s Big Adventure:

It doesn’t look as much like Teen Wolf as it does some other movie, but I can’t quite put my werewolf or vampire finger on it…

If Courteney Cox Isn’t Hooking Up With Her Co-Star, She Should Start Now

by (@katespencer)

Courteney Cox is currently splashing it up in St. Barth’s with her daughter Coco and Cougartown co-star Josh Hopkins. From the looks of it, they seem rather, uh, close. But Court’s people claim it’s totally innocent. “They are strictly, strictly platonic,” a source tells Us Weekly. Apparently it’s a “group vacation” with other CT peeps. “She’s close to her co-stars,” says the ol’ source. “She’s been like that since Friends. But there’s nothing more going on.”

Listen, we’re all adults here, right? Courteney is separated from her man-boy husband David Arquette and free to do whatever she wants. And frankly, we think she should do Josh Hopkins. Look at those rippling back muscles! Can you imagine being stuck babysitting crazy Davey for 11 years? It’s time for Courteney to get her’s! Girlfriend has needs and she should go out and satisfy ‘em, especially in the salty swells of the Caribbean Sea. It’s called Rebound Sex, and it’s every human’s right to have it. Go to town, you cougar! Go to town.

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[Photo: Splash News Online]

Michael Bublé Gets That Ring

by (@hallekiefer)

After years of crooning the sweetest songs in the English language, born romantic Michael Bublé married Luisana Lopilato, his girlfriend of two years in an extremely simple ceremony, earlier today. While we might have imagined white satin dinner jackets and albino peacocks flying out of an ivory baby grand, the happy couple instead locked it down in a civil ceremony in Buenos Aires. Outside Bublé was smiling; inside we can tell he was disappointingly throwing all those issues of Modern Bride right in the recycling bin.

The bride was not, as we would have assumed, taken to a cathedral on a horse-drawn carriage while mice held up her 100-foot antique lace train, but instead wore a lilac-colored dress to the civil registry, where women stood outside screaming her husband’s name. Despite their humble surroundings, Lopilato tweeted her thanks to friends and family, saying “How beautiful it all was!” Luckily, however, the happy couple will have several more opportunities to release 100,000 monarch butterflies out of a giant crystal heart, i.e. pulling a Bublé. Not content with just one plain one, Bublé and Lopilato’s real wedding ceremony will reportedly been held outside Buenos Aires with 300 guests in attendance. Which, in addition to another celebration in Vancouver, tells us that Michael is going to get that dream wedding we sense he’s been hoping for all along.

The Ultimate James Van Der Beek GIF Wall

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There was a time when James Van Der Beek was known to the world as Dawson Leery on Dawson’s Creek. Time passed, and suddenly, JVDB (which we will refer to him in standard JCVD format from now on) became known on the internet as a single, epic image: A GIF of him crying. That meme was so viral that Dawson himself got in on the joke, and the website James Van Der Memes was born.

But as of this week, JVDB will be known for something entirely new. It’s been announced that he’ll be hosting the 2011 Logo’s New Now Next Awards, airing April 10 at 10 PM on Logo! That’s right: DAWSON IS HOSTING. Especially exciting for me, as I’ll be conducting exclusive backstage interviews with presenters and winners, which you can check out during the broadcast over at LogoTV.com!

So, to get people pumped up for what is easily the funnest awards show on the planet, we’ve put together the Ultimate James Van Der Beek GIF Wall. Get the eyewash out in case, it’s a lot to take in.

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Betty White Is Getting Her Own Reality Show On NBC, Because Internet

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The Betty White juggernaut continued its invincible warpath today nearly one year after The Internet rolled it to the top of a giant SNL hill and re-unleashed it upon the world:

This was inevitable: Betty White is getting her own reality series.

The Golden Girls legend is returning to NBC to host and exec produce Betty White’s Off Their Rockers, a new hidden-camera comedy show that follows a band of seven senior citizens who make it their mission to play pranks on unsuspecting whippersnappers.

NBC has ordered 12 half-hour episodes of Rockers, which is based on the European reality franchise, Benidorm Bastards.

FIIIIIINNALLLY a U.S. answer to Benidorm Bastards! I was wondering when Benidorm Bastards was going to become a U.S. show, I just hope that our Benidorm Bastards is as great as the original, classic Benidorm Bastards. (No I do not know what Benidorm Bastards is.)

We all love Betty White, but really, “Betty White’s Off Their Rockers”? That sounds like a fake one-second TGS sketch they’d cut to in an episode of 30 Rock. Still, hard to blame the ever-desperate NBC for trying to capitalize on anything remotely internet-trendy.

Here are some other internet things that NBC is turning into shows:

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