Man Marries His Dog (AKA Don’t Even Lie That You Wouldn’t Marry Your Dog)

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A man in Australia has married his dog. Before you spit on the ground and cry in despair, you know at least 20 percent of you would also marry your pets if you could. But I digress. There is a lot to discover about this man’s journey down the aisle with his dog, so let us address the article from Australia’s “The Chronicle” bit by bit. Beginning here (all article quotes are bolded):

A young Toowoomba man yesterday tied the knot with his best friend – a five-year-old labrador.

You know what the weirdest thing about that sentence is? Not that a man married his dog… no, it’s “Toowoomba.” Somewhere exists a town that sounds like Elmer Fudd purchasing two vacuum robots.

In perhaps a first for the Garden City, Laurel Bank Park hosted the wedding of Joseph Guiso and Honey, a labrador he adopted five years ago.

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Denise Richards Expects Charlie Sheen Over For Christmas

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If you were wondering how Charlie Sheen would spend the one-year anniversary of his domestic dispute with estranged wife Brooke Mueller, wonder no longer. Denise Richards told Mario Lopez that she expects her ex-husband to spend the holidays with her and the kids. “He came over for Thanksgiving,” she said on Extra, “It’s definitely important for everyone to enjoy the holidays together. It’s great for the kids. I’m sure we’ll see him at Christmas, too.” Hey, it’s not like anyone else wants him around!

It’s hard to believe it’s been nearly a year since Charlie reportedly threatened Mueller with a knife in Aspen after one or both of them enjoyed a Christmastime coke binge, but Richards has a long history of forgiving—and forgetting—her ex-husband’s transgressions. After all, she was chilling down the hall when Charlie had his motel freakout. They were also spotted together at Disneyland when Charlie accepted his plea deal last Summer. You think she’d reconsider spending so much time with an abusive rehab perennial she once planned to testify against, but like the reality show says: it’s complicated.

Jersey Shore Outcast Tattoos “Misunderstood” On Wrist

by (@JordanRuntagh)

Angelina Pivarnick has a lot to be bitter about. She got booted from her sweet gig on Jersey Shore, denied a spinoff of her own, and her attempts at rapping will be used as joke fodder on blogs for years to come. Why does the world seem so against her? It’s because we don’t understand her, you guys! That’s why she got the word “Misunderstood” tattooed onto her wrist. We’re guessing “Y’all Don’t Know Me!” didn’t fit?

The television star(?) feels like she is “the victim of a bad edit,” which made her out to be a hateful bi-otch on the MTV series. “I knew I wanted to get a tattoo, and my friends said that the word ‘misunderstood’ best described me.” This makes us want to cry. There are a lot of adjectives to choose from, and if our friends ever said that “misunderstood” summed us up, we’d probably have a breakdown. Or get new friends. But she says the label fits. “It’s true, because I was portrayed as the worst person on Jersey Shore.” Which is actually pretty impressive, considering the competition.

[Photo: Images]

Walker’s Wheelhouse: British Vacation

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You know how I always sometimes write about things that are more self-indulgent than not? Like my Brendan Fraser updates? We’ve decided to cleverly group these items into a segment called Walker’s Wheelhouse. It’s self-serving, assumes that you care about what’s in my wheelhouse and that you know what a wheelhouse is. But it also herds these ideas together into one palatable whole, so you can chose to get in my wheelhouse or stay out of my wheelhouse. Whatever floats your wheelhouse.

Welcome to the first edition of Walker’s Wheelhouse! For the inaugural post I’m going to show you pictures I took on my vacation to the UK last week. You might have noticed my absence? Or not, whatever. Anyway, a few weeks ago I got my mom black out drunk and asked her if I could skip Thanksgiving. She said yes (or so I told her later), and so I bought a ticket to London so I could join my friends on tour. They’re in a band called We Are Scientists and I slept on their bus as we went from Leeds to Glasgow to Newcastle to Nottingham and finally to London. I’d just like to make the distinction up front: I was a hanger-on, not a groupie. A groupie implies some giving of sexual favors and each band member assured me, with a great deal of adamance and relief, that I did not perform any on them.

Alright, let’s kick this Walker’s Wheelhouse off right! I’m going to jump ahead and present a photo from Nottingham, home of Evil Sheriffs and CELEBRITY APARTMENTS!!!!!

I put a deposit down. The lease is for five years and five million dollars.

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Billie Joe Armstrong Joins Cast Of American Idiot For People Who Don’t Know How To Just See A F***ing Green Day Concert

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“Man, I really love the music of Green Day, and I’d love to see them perform live, but it just wouldn’t be the same without 20 flamboyant chorus members dressed like 90s after-school-special pot-offerers doing angry jazzhands behind them for 90 minutes. There’s got to be a better way!” – Something all of us say on a daily basis into a mirror, yelling.

BAM!!!:

The other big theater news is the return of Green Day frontman Billie Joe Armstrong to Broadway’s American Idiot for 50 shows, starting Jan. 1… The hope is that Armstrong’s presence will spike sales to the levels Idiot reached when he leapt into the role of seductive rebel St. Jimmy for a surprise one-week gig from Sept. 27 to Oct. 3 (that week, the show played to 93 percent capacity and grossed $1.1 million).

Can…can that happen? Billie Joe officially joining the cast of a thing that was based on his work? Then it just becomes, like, him doing it, right? I’m confused.

That’d be like the real-life Billy Elliot coming back to play himself, or the real-life Simba being let loose on the stage of Promises Promises for some reason. It’s actually not like either of these things, which aren’t even things. It’s more like if the real-life Simba just did something random and desperate and likely money-driven, and you’d be like “why do you need that money, Simba, you’re already the king?”

Tori Spelling’s Self-Centered Wordplay Continues With New Book Title

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Tori Spelling‘s second life as a bestselling author is weird enough as it is, but the fact that she inserts her name into every one of her book titles makes us blind with pun rage. First there was sTORItelling, then came Unchartered TerriTORI and now the actress is writing a party planning book called CelebraTORI.

WE GET IT, TORI. You have a great name you can play off of. But must you continue to do it so often? It’s a little masturbaTORI if you ask us. But we have to admit, we’ve been curious if you’d come out with a new book—at least we’re not trapped in the purgaTORI of not knowing anymore. Have you considered writing suspenseful fiction, like perhaps a mysTORI book? Or will you stick with non-fiction and write a hisTORI book? Or a cookbook like MasTORIng The Art of French Cooking? It’ll be like your own Julie and Julia! Wait, what are we saying? Don’t write any more books, girl!

Tony Parker’s Lawyer Quits Due To Too Much Irony

by (@hallekiefer)

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First come the sexy texts, then the quitting lawyers: so far Tony Parker and Eva Longoria’s divorce is going exactly how we’d fantasized it would. Sources are saying that Tony Parker’s lawyer Richard Orsinger quit due to a conflict of interest. What would that conflict be, exactly? Oh, just that he’s also representing Tony’s ex-San Antonio Spurs teammate Brian Barry…in his divorce from Parker’s alleged mistress Erin Barry. Twist!

When Orsinger submitted Parker’s divorce papers on November 19, he reportedly had no idea that he was going Beyond Cheaterdome by representing both men. Once Orsinger recognized the conflict of interest, he decided to give Parker the boot. Sources say Tony is currently looking for new representation and will forge ahead with the divorce as planned. We, for one, don’t blame Orsinger for leaving. Really, how could anyone keep that many filthy texts straight? [Photo: Getty Images]

Robsten Top In Style’s Most Stylish Couple Poll

by (@JordanRuntagh)

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Well, it’s finally official: Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart are the most stylish couple in Hollywood. As if there was any doubt! The pair earned the title from a poll conducted by In Style Magazine, confirming what Twi-Hards have always known to be true. The magazine editors said that RPatz’s “public-school boy style” and KStew’s “laidback American approach to fashion” created a union made in fashion heaven. They even beat out such power couples as Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher, Zac Efron and Vanessa Hudgens, and Johnny Depp and Vanessa Paradis. It’s not hard to see why when you check out the mega-gallery of Robsten Cuteness below!

[Photo: Getty Images]

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