Reese Witherspoon Is Engaged!

by (@hallekiefer)

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Ugh, will these celebrity holiday engagements never end?!?! Just kidding, you know we squealed loud enough to shatter glass when we found out that Reese Witherspoon is engaged to boyfriend Jim Toth. Rumors had been swirling that Toth went to Jared’s, but it wasn’t until today that Reese’s rep confirmed that the two are officially getting hitched. “They are extremely happy,” her rep said. Put away your grandmother’s vases; we feel some more shrieks coming on.

Toth and Witherspoon have been dating since January 2010 following her break-up from Jake Gyllenhaal. Even more adorably, not only does Reese love Jim, her kids do, too. “Ava and Deacon are happy with him,” a source confirms. The image of Reese’s kids as a little flower girl and ring bearer is making us hyperventilate from too much cuteness. We’re just going to put our heads down for a while while you guys bask in the couple’s happy hand-holding. [Photo: Splash News Online]

Nicki Minaj Fantasizes About Tim Burton. Being In His Movies, That Is.

by (@hallekiefer)

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We already see Nicki Minaj in our dreams; why not on the big screen as well? In an interview with King, Nicki talks about her acting aspirations, which are temporarily on hold until she gets done destroying the rap game. “I’d like to play someone in a Tim Burton movie, where I get dressed up and painted and crazy,” Minaj revealed. It’s almost time for a Edward Scissorhand remake, right? If Nicki still has the claws she wore in Ludacris’s “My Chick Bad” video, Tim can basically start shooting tomorrow.

Not that Minaj would just settle for the emo stylings of the Beetle Juice director. “Then I want to be able to do some action stuff, like Angelina Jolie…And then I’d like to just play a regular girl who, you know, is facing the world. Something really sentimental and organic, that girls all around the world can identify with. You know, how Jada Pinkett Smith did in Jason’s Lyric.” Or let’s just re-make Jason’s Lyric, since no one remembers it at all (sorry, Jada!). Frankly we’re ready to re-shoot the whole Criterion Collection if it means we get to see more Nicki. [Photo: Getty Images]

NEWLY INVENTED: Cameras On Swords

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It’s astounding that no action movie so far has thought of putting a camera on the end of a sword. It seems so obvious now. It’s so cool that even  guys who duct tapes cameras to things and go to conventions in Sweden can look cool while doing it. (The video is of guys at a martial arts convention in Sweden).

They could have made Kill Bill for like $3.75 if they would have hired these guys. Everyone, TRY THIS AT HOME! You know you’ve got a sword. Christmas was like 3 days ago. Don’t tell me you didn’t get at least one sword.

Thanks, Urlesque.

Rupert Everett Blasts Jennifer Aniston’s “Tasteless Rom-Coms”

by (@hallekiefer)

Somebody’s snarking on Jennifer Aniston, and surprisingly its not about her empty womb or lack of a man-friend. In an interview with BBC4, actor Rupert Everett criticized Jennifer Aniston’s “tasteless rom-coms.” Everett wasn’t really concerned that The Bounty Hunter was so terrible it sent 75% of its viewing audience into a coma; instead he wondered how Jen can keep making putrid movies like The Switch and still get cast in major motion pictures. “Okay, something will go wrong. Like Jennifer Aniston will just have one too many total flops. But she’s still a member of that club. And she will still manage to — like a star forming in the universe — a whole lot of things swirling around and suddenly solidifying into yet another vital tasteless romcom: a little glitter next to the Crab Nebula,” Everett complained. We love Jen, but we agree: girlfriend must have made a deal with the Devil to be starring in anything more dramatically challenging than Air Bud: Seventh Inning Fetch.

Rupert is nothing if not out-spoken, and he is more than willing to also call out Hollywood for what he as a gay actor sees as a hetero bias. “Show business is ideally suited for heterosexuals… It’s a very heterosexual business. It’s run mostly by heterosexual men… and I think the position of women in show business is quite difficult.” Particularly if you’re Jennifer Aniston, we guess. Though with all the jokes about her Cathy-like dating history, maybe an insult aimed at her acting ability will seem like a nice change of pace!

Kelly Osbourne Accuses Ex Of Sleeping With “Hundreds” Of Men And Women

by (@hallekiefer)

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We here at TheFABlife would never, ever, ever condone infidelity of any kind. That being said, if you’re going to cheat, we say go big or go home. After breaking up with him this past summer, Kelly Osbourne insulted ex Luke Worrell on Twitter on Christmas after some particularly slimy rumors emerged about him. Some of the tweets have since been deleted, but Osbourne did not hold back her opinions about her former fiance. “Luke Worrall is the biggest piece of s—. He has been trying to get back with me. I only came home for Christmas to see him, meanwhile he has been f—ing hundreds of girls, as well as men, behind my back,” Kelly raged. That is truly heinous, but at the same time…Worrell must have incredible time-management skills.

“I think the best part of this situation is that I have been painted out 2 be the crazy 1 when all I did was tell the honest to gods truth,” Osbourne complained after her onslaught. Honey, don’t you know there is no way to not look crazy while engaging in a Twitter fight? Take a look at the past two years of Courtney Loves life and you’ll see what we mean. “Dont think I have ever felt so stupid he made a fool of me going to be off Twitter for a while never felt heart brake like this in my life,” Osbourne tweeted today. Quitting Twitter isn’t the way to get revenge, Kelly! Just get out that phone book and start lining up dates for the new year. Two can play at this slutty game! [Photo: Getty Images]

Rihanna And Matt Kemp Throw In The Towel

by (@hallekiefer)

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Time for our girl RiRi to ring in the new year with a new man, now that the Rihanna and Matt Kemp break-up rumors seem to be confirmed. “It happened over the last few weeks. She basically was just over it,” said a source. Look Matt, Rihanna didn’t sing “Only Girl (In The World)just because it sounded amazing. She also meant every word of it.

The break-up was far from one-sided, though; the L.A. Dodger’s outfielder was apparently exhausted by all the Frequent Flyer miles he was racking up. “He just can’t keep up with her crazy travel schedule. Matt’s sick of always following after her like a puppy dog all over the world. He wants something more normal,” an insider reports. Personally, we would hide in Rihanna’s checked luggage if it meant we could watch an episode of Arrested Development with her, but maybe that’s just us. “It was never as serious as it looked. It was always just [about] having fun,” added the source. And when it comes to having fun, we’re positive that Rihanna’s 2011 will be like a trip to space camp and Sea World combined.  [Photo: Splash News Online]

Lily Allen Joins The Holiday Engagement Parade

by (@hallekiefer)

We definitely thought we had heard silver bells on Friday. Turns out they were actually wedding bells for the approximately 1 billion celebrity couples getting engaged over the holidays, which now includes Lily Allen‘s engagement to boyfriend Sam Cooper. Cooper reportedly took a knee while the couple were vacationing in Bali on Christmas Day. “Lily is absolutely beaming and emotional at the same time,” said a source close to the couple. The pair was so excited, they immediately started telling their fellow vacationers the happy news. Some children get to wake up to the magical sound of reindeer hoofs on the roof, others to singer-songwriter Lily Allen pounding on their hotel room door to show off her rock.

2010 was a particularly hard year for Allen, who suffered from her second miscarriage in November. The first was in 2007 with then-boyfriend Ed Simons of The Chemical Brothers. “She had no idea Sam was going to propose and said ‘Yes’ instantly. He’s been her rock for her since the couple lost their baby and she can’t wait to spend the rest of her life with him,” said the source. We wish the happy couple all the luck in the world, and look forward to January 2 when we won’t have to be repeatedly reminded of our singledom by famous people in love. At least until February 14, that is.

The Real Science Behind How Women Operate

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This is Jay Herrod. It is not clear exactly who he is. It is safe to assume, however, that he likely has degrees in various fields including, but not limited to, sociology, women’s studies, psychology, and biology. Below, Jay Harrod will explain, essentially, how women… work.

As a male person, it is hard for me to access how accurate or inaccurate his statements about women might be, but, viscerally, they seem right on. This video comes enough time before New Years Eve so that all you single guys out there will have ample time to study it before midnight on the 31st. Did you get refrigerator box full of condoms for Christmas? No? Uh oh! You’re going to need a few thousand after you hear what this guy has to say because you are going to end up making out USING YOUR SEX PARTS.

No lady is safe from consensual sex after this video makes its way around.

Thanks, Buzzfeed.