Kim Kardashian’s Sad Christmas Puppy Tale

by (@hallekiefer)

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Warning: do not read this post if you have a heart. We all know the Kardashians love the holidays, but one season was certainly tainted when Kim Kardashian’s Christmas puppy died. It happened “when I was really little,” explained Kardashian. “Valentina was its name, but then she died two weeks later.” NOOOOOO! We can feel our heart growing three sizes, as it fills with our tears. According to Kim, lil’ Valentina went to the dog park into the sky after suffering from “snail poisoning.” Says Kardashian, “You know when snails leave a little trail? [Valentina] got super excited and ate it and died.” See, this is why rich people shouldn’t have escargot just lying around the house! It’s a tragedy waiting to strike.

While Kim still sniffles over this and other misty Christmas memories, her older sister apparently has had her heart replaced with a lump of coal. “Kourtney would come down [Christmas morning] and wouldn’t care, and she didn’t really care that it was Christmas, while I was like, ‘Oh my God! I got a puppy!’ We were so different!” And Kourtney is the one with the kid? Yikes. Happy holidays, little Mason! Hope you like that half-empty box of Pampers “Santa” left for you under the tree. [Photo: Splash News Online]

Leonardo DiCaprio Named The Highest-Grossing Actor Of 2010

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Leonardo Di Caprio

Leonardo DiCaprio has never married, but people sure love to watch the guy get sweaty while hallucinating about his dead wife. The actor tops Forbes’ Top-Grossing Actors of 2010 list after the widowerific Shutter Island and Inception took in a whopping $1.1 billion globally. Leo’s decision to play J. Edgar Hoover in an upcoming biopic may seem a little risky in this context—that guy so wasn’t in the “missing his wife” biz—but considering Leo will take home more than $50 million for Critics’ Choice Best Film nominee (and Award Season Tweet Tracker favorite) Inception alone, it’s not like he can’t afford to take the risk.

It’s worth noting that the grosses of animated movies weren’t included on this list, meaning Steve Carell doesn’t get to throw Despicable Me‘s $500 million in the pot with his decent but relatively paltry Date Night and Dinner For Schmucks grosses. Instead, Alice In Wonderland‘s Mia Wasikowska and Johnny Depp take 2nd and 3rd respectively (Mia’s The Kids Are All Right has made more over its run than Depp’s far more recent The Tourist).  Robert Downey Jr. comes in fourth for Iron Man 2 and Due Date, while Daniel Radcliffe comes in fifth for…well, just guess.

[Photo: Getty Images]

PROOF: ALF Was A Womanizing, Racist Nightmare

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ALF is one of the remaining puppety icons of the 1980s, and I should know: The stuffed animal version of ALF has followed me from my toddler years all the way to college and to the West, where he lays, embalmed, in a bag somewhere, the last tangible remainder of my youth.

That glass shattering? That’s the sound of my dreams, which have collapsed ‘neath the weight of this MINDBLOWING REVELATION: ALF was a womanizing assh*le who says the N WORD. Yes, that word. Witness:

A Youtube commenter points out that ALF is just impersonating a very famous episode of L.A. Law where someone with Tourette’s Syndrome is interviewed on the witness stand. Despite myself, I must admit it is pretty hilarious… (and well acted!)

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Ryan Reynolds “Beyond Sad And Depressed” Over ScarJo Divorce

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Ryan Reynolds & Scarlett Johansson

The divorce of Ryan Reynolds and Scarlett Johansson may be impressively private and drama-free, but come on: it’s still a divorce. Us Magazine reports that Ryan was less than quiet about his troubles on the set of Green Lantern (though judging from the goofy trailer, everyone probably had bigger things to worry about). “[He was] open on set that he and Scarlett [Johansson] were having problems,” says a source. “[He’d say that she treated him badly. It never seemed like she made him a priority.” Hey, he’s the one that didn’t show up at Scarlett’s Saturday Night Live gig!

According to another source, Ryan is “beyond sad and depressed” following their public break-up. Funny, most men would love to be unattached after being crowned People‘s Sexiest Man Alive, but then again, most men aren’t already married to one of the sexiest women. “[Scarlett] was disconnected and disaffected about the split,” says the insider. “It was harsh.” See, now if he’d seen her Saturday Night Live performance, he’d have realized how emotionally distant she can be. Dude sounds so glum we almost want to see Green Lantern out of sympathy. Almost.

[Photos: Getty Images]

Heidi Montag On Her Plastic Surgery: “This Is Not What I Signed Up For”

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heidi

Heidi Montag has opened up to Life & Style magazine to discuss the ten plastic surgeries she underwent last year. Seems Heidi has discovered what the rest of us knew all along: all that surgery was a terrible idea. Franken-Heidi still has serious scarring and says “Parts of my body definitely look worse than they did pre-surgery. This is not what I signed up for.” The magazine says that she still has several physical blemishes as a result of the surgeries, including “a 2-inch-long blemish under her chin from her chin reduction, two caterpillar-size bald spots along her hairline from a brow lift, a horrifying jagged line behind her ears from having her ears pinned back. . . and deep scars around her nipples from a second boob job.” That sounds awful. But still more pleasant that living with Spencer Pratt. Just sayin’.

Knowing what she knows now about the end result, Heidi regrets what she’s done, saying “People have fewer scars from accidents than I have on my body. I wish I could jump into a time machine and take it all back.” If we were manning the controls of that time machine, we’d go back even further so we could intervene during her meeting with Spencer. Can you imagine a world without Speidi? It would be like the new version of It’s A Wonderful Life, except that things would be so much better without them together.

[Photo: Life & Style]

Hot Israeli Soccer Player Is Very Very… Eh…

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I know basically nothing about this video. I don’t know the name of this Israeli soccer player (Shlomi something), I don’t know why he’s so handsome, and I don’t understand why in a country full of fluent English speakers, he is a veritable caveman. But do we even need answers to these questions? No, we don’t. Because I still sat through the entire thing at least 7 to 9 brillion times, because, well sh*t, we in love. “I think only win”:

I mean, sh*t, he don’t need to speak English. In fact, I prefer him this way. (I am so sick of English.) I passed this along to my mother, a fluent Hebrew speaker with a side of German, and what amused her the most were the German Dutch subtitles. (Ed. Note: Shows you how much German she speaks. None.) Like what on Earth could they be subtitling?

This video has gone incredibly viral in Israel and beyond, and has even spawned some hilarious response videos. Our favorite is ahead, and involves “the weather.”

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Here’s A Dog Nativity Scene Even Jesus Would Love!

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Fab Life editor Lauren Deiman forwarded this photo her aunt sent to her of an almost entirely accurate nativity scene made up of dogs and a very happy-to-be-included horse. The dogs, on the other hand, could not are less. Seriously, dogs, this is going to be forwarded to hundreds of thousands of relatives. Perk it up, pals.

You can click on the image for a larger, more wallpaper worthy size. The Baby Jesus chihuahua is a sweet touch, as he truly looks like a godly little newborn, though we’ll always wonder what the donkey hidden behind the entire scene was thinking. Like, I’ll be wondering about it for hours.

In the meantime…

MERRY BWE.TV CHRISTMAS

Teen Mom Amber Portwood Regrets Getting Life-Sized Tattoo Of Her Baby

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The thing about being a teenage mother is that you don’t always exercise good judgment. Some people learn from their mistakes, and some people just keep on making terrible choices. Take, for instance, Amber Portwood from Teen Mom. Earlier this week Portwood revealed a giant new tattoo of her baby Leah‘s face. The tattoo, Portwood’s first, certainly will be hard to top, seeing as there’s practically no more available space on Portwood’s body. This thing is huge. Portwood, who has denied claims that she’s pregnant for a second time, certainly never considered what would happen to her stomach and the new ink should she get pregnant again.

But with a tattoo of such considerable size, comes a considerable amount of regret as well. A friend of Amber’s told Pop Eater “In that moment it seemed like a great idea to get a tattoo and show the entire world how much she loved Leah, but now it doesn’t seem like such a great decision. When the pain goes away Amber will be left with a massive picture of a baby’s face on her stomach.” Um, no duh?

[Photo: Radar Online]