Tajazzle Promises To Give Your Vagina The Confidence It Needs

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By now, anyone who keeps up with the latest technologies in vagina accessorizing has heard about Vajazzling, emblazoning your mons pubis with the finest of Swarovski crystals. But have you heard of “Tajazzle”? A mysterious infomercial has popped up online about “Tajazzling,” and while it takes a good 7 minutes to get to the point, they swear it will make you feel more “confident” knowing you look, smell, and (NC-17 word, prepare yourselves) taste as good as can be. “From Pretty Woman to Glamorous Goddess” seems to be the running thing, despite the fact that 99 percent of the people in the ad are on disability for not being mentally whole.

And the acting!!! The acting is BEYOND TO DIE FOR!! Here is the video, but we’ve given you some timecodes for the best moments below:

:33: I TAJAZZLE EVERY DAY — LINE.
1:49: “And the best part is? The sparkling surprise only my lover gets to see.”
2:33: It also works on transgendered ladies, cool.
3:02: He looks thrilled.
3:36: “Whoa, busted.”
4:48: If you think the Tajazzling actresses are bad, imagine how terrible the folks placed in the background must be.
7:20!!!!!!!!! MEN CAN USE IT TOO!!!! Look at that Greek God talk about Tajazzling himself. The flavors make his wife go wild!! So do his eyebrows.
9:42: Holy sh*t this is unreal. IT ACTUALLY GETS BETTER.
12:08: This woman has felt invisible in bars AND casting sessions.
14:06: TAJAZZ HANDS!

There’s a part two out there, but do you really need to see it? You’ve already ordered 3 of them, haven’t you. Well, look at the time, my vagina has an appointment with CONFIDENCE this evening, so I must bid you goodbye. Farewell. (whisper) Tajazzle.

With thanks to the keeper of all the best net vids, Joselyn Hughes.

Natalie Portman Talks Depression, Weight Gain While At Harvard

by (@hallekiefer)

While being interviewed by Vogue, Golden Globe nominee Natalie Portman opened up about depression and weight-gain while she was in college at Harvard. “I gained my freshman fifteen or 20 and had superdepressed moments. That Cambridge winter is tough. It was important to know how to go through that and how to get myself out of it. You start learning how to ask your friends or professionals for help, or go to mentors,” Natalie revealed. Now that our Seasonal Affective Disorder has kicked in, it’s a good reminder that if someone as gorgeous and successful as Natalie Portman gets depressed this time of year, it is clearly all in our heads.

Despite the insane demands put on her by playing a nearly skeletal ballerina in Black Swan (and just working in Hollywood in general), Portman somehow manages to be semi-normal about eating. “I swear, I eat. I ate a bagel an hour ago. I consume my own weight in hummus every day. I cook a lot, and I even do vegan baking. I like pleasure, I like joy. I’d never get to the point where I would starve or injure myself like [my character] Nina does. I’m the opposite—when I’m hungry, I eat, and I always make sure I’m eating something delicious.” Maybe cut back on that hummus by a couple gallons so your stomach doesn’t explode, Natalie, but other than that, we’re glad to hear it!

Taylor Swift Celebrates Best Birthday Ever In Lamest Possible Fashion

by (@unclegrambo)

61618247rnrnWhat did you do the night you turned 21 years old? We imagine it involved hitting the local watering hole with a few of your closest friends and tossing back sexually-themed (and totally gross tasting) shots like Blow Jobs, Buttery Nipples and Screaming Orgasms. Not Taylor Swift, though! Instead of letting loose on the one night it’s socially acceptable to get drunk as a skunk, the eternally prissy pop princess celebrated her 21st birthday in the most boring way possible, with a “super low key,” alcohol-free pizza party at her house. As Taylor herself would say, “What?”rnrnNow, it’s not that we condone going a role model like Taylor going out getting sloshed every night of the week (even though we tend to). Rather, it’s just that we wish that Taylor would stop acting like a sheltered adolescent and start acting like the worldly adult that she clearly is. After all, she already acknowledged that she got horizontal with the horndog John Mayer, so it’s not like she’s all that innocent. Drop the phony pretensions, Swifty, toss back a Budweiser or an appletini (your choice!), and let your freak flag fly! Or, at the very least, hit the bowling alley and knock back a White Russian, Big Lebowski style.rnrn[Photo: Artist's rendering of Taylor's indulging in a pepperoni slice at her pizza party]

A Computer Named Watson Will Be A Contestant On Jeopardy

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It’s insane how fun the first few steps towards robot computers murdering all of us can be. I think having a computer be a contestant on Jeopardy is somewhere around step three. Steps four and five will probably still be fun too. Step six will be a little scary but might just result in the deaths of a couple of guys in lab coats. Step seven is probably where the fun stops and famous landmarks start getting blown up. But for now, let’s just enjoy step three.

From CNN:

The iconic game show announced Tuesday that it will pit Ken Jennings and Brad Rutter, its all-time most successful contestants, against “Watson,” an IBM computing system, in a series of battles next year.

The showdown, to be aired February 14-16, will feature two matches to see if a machine can compete in a contest that will require it to interpret real-language questions (or, in “Jeopardy!” parlance, answers), research them and answer quicker than the flesh-and-blood champs.

If you’re not excited about this, that’s okay. You can stop reading now and go watch a really great Jeopardy blooper. Go ahead. It’s fine. The rest of us don’t want to listen to you complain while we watch our awesome science video about Watson.

“What is scary awesome?” – Correct Jeopardy answer for this story.

Thanks yet again, The Daily What.

Ryan Reynolds And Scarlett Johansson Are Splitting Up?!?!

by (@hallekiefer)

Scarlett Johansson & Ryan Reynolds

In news that leaves us unexpectedly devastated, Scarlett Johansson and Ryan Reynolds are getting divorced. But..but…but we picked them for the Hottest Baby Ever Made pool! They can’t bail on us now! Reports suggest that the couple’s busy acting schedules are behind the split, which Johansson apparently initiated. “The big problem with their relationship is the distance. They spent a lot of time apart when they are working…She’s been unhappy for a while,” says a source close to the couple. “After long and careful consideration on both our parts, we’ve decided to end our marriage,” said the couple in the statement. “We entered our relationship with love and it’s with love and kindness we leave it. While privacy isn’t expected, it’s certainly appreciated.”

Johansson and Reynolds have allegedly been separated for two weeks, the break-up coming two years after their wedding in September 2008. Rumors swirled earlier this fall that the marriage was on the rocks when Ryan declined to make a cameo while Johansson hosted SNL, but were easy to dismiss since the couple seemed so happy otherwise. The fact that Scarlett forgot Ryan from her Tony acceptable speech doesn’t look good in retrospect, either. We are honestly way more depressed by this news than we ever thought possible. We mean, once you’ve loved the hottest man/woman alive, where is there to go…but down?

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GET OFF GERARD DEPARDIEU’S LAWN!

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“Bonjour! Vous là-bas! Les enfants! Obtenez l’enfer hors de ma pelouse! Maintenant! Immédiatement! Je suis Gérard Depardieu, pour l’amour de Dieu, j’étais dans un film appelé “Mon père, ce héros”! Ne pensez même pas de jouer avec moi!” (click here for translation)

Here is Gerard at the premiere of his new film, Small World, in Brazil. He looks, sadly, like merde. Ahead, we have two more photos of Gerard looking Depardieu-ier than ever!

UPDATED TO ADD A JOKE COURTESY OF NOAH: What do you call Gerard Depardieu’s son?

Read more…

Every Walking Dead Zombie Kill In 70 Seconds

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Do you love killing zombies but hate softcore shower montages, interrupting grandmas, and bitchy kid reunions? Now you can watch every zombie kill from Season 1 of The Walking Dead in one convenient really, really violent supercut!

It’s like pulling the bacon out of a bacon cheeseburger and just eating it on its own, then shooting it in its bacon head from an angle that splatters blood on the camera and briefly breaks the fourth wall but not really cause the rest of the bacon show doesn’t! But it is delicious, because it’s bacon:

(via io9)

Justin Bieber Cleared Of Charges In Assault Case

by (@hallekiefer)

biebergetty

You mess with the Bieb, you get the…um…sweet smile and adorable wink? In case there was any question in your mind, Justin Bieber has been cleared of criminal charges stemming from an incident in which a 12-year-old boy claimed Bieber punched in him the face at a Canadian arcade. “This investigation into the incident is now complete and no charges will be forwarded as the evidence collected [doesn't] support doing so,” said Corporal Turley of the Richmond Royal Canadian Mounted Police, suggesting that Justin Bieber has officially become so charming, he has gained total control over the Mounties.

Initially Justin was accused of the crime on October 15 at the Planet Lazer Entertainment Center in Richmond, British Columbia. Evidence quickly came out, however, that his tiny accuser had been bullying Bieber with homophobic slurs. You might think being heckled by a seventh-grader when you’re a high-school-age pop star wouldn’t be so intimidating. If so, you have clearly never been to Canada. [Photo: Getty Images]

Cher’s Red Carpet Secret: Little Clothing, Lots Of Tape

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Has Cher been hitting the Scotch? Sonny’s ex wore another one of her next-to-nothing negligees on the red carpet of Burlesque‘s UK premiere (are they done yet?), but its the strip of plastic tape on her cheek that really catches the eye. But hey, Marlene Dietrich used the same facelift trick on her face—in this CGI age, it’s nice to see some old Hollywood tricks haven’t gone out of practice. Good thing Cher couldn’t some of the earlier premieres, though—Christina Aguilera’s cleavage doesn’t have a chance against Mama Mermaid here.

See more photos of both ladies in the gallery below.

[Photos: Getty/]

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Guy Rephrases A Bunch Of Popular Song Lyrics And It’s Alright

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This guy took lyrics from songs by Taio Cruz, Eminem, Cee Lo Green, Lady Gaga, Justin Bieber and Katy Perry and changed them to be unnecessarily wordy while still conveying the same ideas. I don’t know if I would classify this as “funny” so much as I would I would call it “something I do when I’m by myself and didn’t know anybody else did.”

You cannot go into a grocery store without hearing at least one of those songs. They should do one of those Tobacco Truth commercials about THAT.

Also, that guy should get something to hang on that wall. A picture of his family, an Alf poster… something.

Thanks, Buzzfeed.