Ryan Reynolds And Scarlett Johansson Are Splitting Up?!?!

by (@hallekiefer)

Scarlett Johansson & Ryan Reynolds

In news that leaves us unexpectedly devastated, Scarlett Johansson and Ryan Reynolds are getting divorced. But..but…but we picked them for the Hottest Baby Ever Made pool! They can’t bail on us now! Reports suggest that the couple’s busy acting schedules are behind the split, which Johansson apparently initiated. “The big problem with their relationship is the distance. They spent a lot of time apart when they are working…She’s been unhappy for a while,” says a source close to the couple. “After long and careful consideration on both our parts, we’ve decided to end our marriage,” said the couple in the statement. “We entered our relationship with love and it’s with love and kindness we leave it. While privacy isn’t expected, it’s certainly appreciated.”

Johansson and Reynolds have allegedly been separated for two weeks, the break-up coming two years after their wedding in September 2008. Rumors swirled earlier this fall that the marriage was on the rocks when Ryan declined to make a cameo while Johansson hosted SNL, but were easy to dismiss since the couple seemed so happy otherwise. The fact that Scarlett forgot Ryan from her Tony acceptable speech doesn’t look good in retrospect, either. We are honestly way more depressed by this news than we ever thought possible. We mean, once you’ve loved the hottest man/woman alive, where is there to go…but down?

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GET OFF GERARD DEPARDIEU’S LAWN!

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“Bonjour! Vous là-bas! Les enfants! Obtenez l’enfer hors de ma pelouse! Maintenant! Immédiatement! Je suis Gérard Depardieu, pour l’amour de Dieu, j’étais dans un film appelé “Mon père, ce héros”! Ne pensez même pas de jouer avec moi!” (click here for translation)

Here is Gerard at the premiere of his new film, Small World, in Brazil. He looks, sadly, like merde. Ahead, we have two more photos of Gerard looking Depardieu-ier than ever!

UPDATED TO ADD A JOKE COURTESY OF NOAH: What do you call Gerard Depardieu’s son?

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Every Walking Dead Zombie Kill In 70 Seconds

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Do you love killing zombies but hate softcore shower montages, interrupting grandmas, and bitchy kid reunions? Now you can watch every zombie kill from Season 1 of The Walking Dead in one convenient really, really violent supercut!

It’s like pulling the bacon out of a bacon cheeseburger and just eating it on its own, then shooting it in its bacon head from an angle that splatters blood on the camera and briefly breaks the fourth wall but not really cause the rest of the bacon show doesn’t! But it is delicious, because it’s bacon:

(via io9)

Justin Bieber Cleared Of Charges In Assault Case

by (@hallekiefer)

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You mess with the Bieb, you get the…um…sweet smile and adorable wink? In case there was any question in your mind, Justin Bieber has been cleared of criminal charges stemming from an incident in which a 12-year-old boy claimed Bieber punched in him the face at a Canadian arcade. “This investigation into the incident is now complete and no charges will be forwarded as the evidence collected [doesn’t] support doing so,” said Corporal Turley of the Richmond Royal Canadian Mounted Police, suggesting that Justin Bieber has officially become so charming, he has gained total control over the Mounties.

Initially Justin was accused of the crime on October 15 at the Planet Lazer Entertainment Center in Richmond, British Columbia. Evidence quickly came out, however, that his tiny accuser had been bullying Bieber with homophobic slurs. You might think being heckled by a seventh-grader when you’re a high-school-age pop star wouldn’t be so intimidating. If so, you have clearly never been to Canada. [Photo: Getty Images]

Cher’s Red Carpet Secret: Little Clothing, Lots Of Tape

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Has Cher been hitting the Scotch? Sonny’s ex wore another one of her next-to-nothing negligees on the red carpet of Burlesque‘s UK premiere (are they done yet?), but its the strip of plastic tape on her cheek that really catches the eye. But hey, Marlene Dietrich used the same facelift trick on her face—in this CGI age, it’s nice to see some old Hollywood tricks haven’t gone out of practice. Good thing Cher couldn’t some of the earlier premieres, though—Christina Aguilera’s cleavage doesn’t have a chance against Mama Mermaid here.

See more photos of both ladies in the gallery below.

[Photos: Getty/]

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Guy Rephrases A Bunch Of Popular Song Lyrics And It’s Alright

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This guy took lyrics from songs by Taio Cruz, Eminem, Cee Lo Green, Lady Gaga, Justin Bieber and Katy Perry and changed them to be unnecessarily wordy while still conveying the same ideas. I don’t know if I would classify this as “funny” so much as I would I would call it “something I do when I’m by myself and didn’t know anybody else did.”

You cannot go into a grocery store without hearing at least one of those songs. They should do one of those Tobacco Truth commercials about THAT.

Also, that guy should get something to hang on that wall. A picture of his family, an Alf poster… something.

Thanks, Buzzfeed.

Jessica Alba Denies Making Anti-Screenwriter Comments, We Step Away From The Haterade

by (@hallekiefer)

jessica_albagetty

We’re not going to lie; we may have let our inner hater show a little bit last month when Jessica Alba told Elle that “good actors never use the script, they just make stuff up as they go along.” Ugh, that just sounds so dumb! However, Alba has come forward to clarify that her so-called-quote was, well, made-up by the interviewer as she went along. “That wasn’t true. Just so it’s clear, films don’t even get made and nothing ever gets a green light unless there’s great material. That’s always a #1 thing before you can get a director, actors or a studio even interested in anything.” Thanks for the quick lesson in Film Making 101, Jessica! We’re pretty sure everyone on the planet was aware of that movies need screenplays except for, you know, you.

Alba places the blame squarely on Elle for making her sound like a complete diva. “There was an article written recently where I was completely and totally paraphrased and things were taken out of context and mushed together. It was a four-hour interview that got condensed into a page and a half for a fashion magazine.” Alright, Alba, we guess we’ll put our claws away for now. But if you think we are going to be this nice after we see Spy Kids 4: All The Time In The World, oh man, you should think again. [Photp: Getty Images]

Breaking Bad Doesn’t Get Golden Globe Nomination For Best Drama Because All Award Shows Are Stupid

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Complaining about award show nominees is as fruitless and Sisyphean as whining about traffic, or the inaccurate annual nominations of the Academy of Traffic Arts & Sciences’ Traffic Awards (the Traffies), but now that I’ve mindlessly spouted that disclaimer, I will proceed to whine about today’s Golden Globe nominees and get mad about an oversight in one category by ripping on random stupid things in other categories, which isn’t how things work but who cares because it’s easy.

The one gripe I have with the list of nominees, which overshadows every other possible oversight, is that Breaking Bad did not get nominated for Best Television Series – Drama. These 5 shows did:

Not a bad list, but this is the third straight year that Breaking Bad — which will, when all is said and done, go down as one of the best shows ever to air on television — hasn’t gotten nominated for the Best Drama Golden Globe. Check out the past two years of nominees:

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Usher Kicked In Face By Fan During Lapdance

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We’ve set the above video to start right before a fan accidentally smacks Usher in the face with her heel, but we recommend watching the previous two and a half minutes as well. While lots of women would probably love to be dry humped by Usher on a couch in the middle of Madison Square Garden, we doubt many would seem as comfortable as this lucky fan did, twisting, grinding and laughing as Usher sang “Trading Places” and worked his way through the Kama Sutra. The pair even played the mishap off like pros, with Usher cracking “we play rough in the bedroom! We kick each other in the face all the time” while she attended to his boo-boo. And yes, she still got a parting kiss.