Ashton Kutcher’s Supposed Mistress Has A Sex Tape

by (@missmuttoo)

ashton_demi

What’s that we smell in here? Oh right. Skank stank.  We mean you, Brittney Jones. Also known as the bone between Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore.You know the story: she was obsessed with Ashton, and long story short… had sex with him on the Dashton household sofa.

Does it surprise anyone that B.J (what an appropriate acronym) also has a sex tape out? Which she made when she was 19 years old, we might add. Naturally, her boyfriend of the time is commenting on their sexy-time shenanigans saying, “She was definitely into it. We were together at the time so we made short little clips of us having sex in various positions.” And big surprise; they broke up because Brittney cheated on the dude. Who thinks she’s going to be negotiating a price with the President of Vivid soon? That’s if they’re interested, of course.

What’s actually surprising (or galling, depends on how you choose to look at it), Brittney claims that she’s friends with Demi saying, “I didn’t break up any marriage,  in fact Demi and I are good friends.” She reveals this twist in a text message conversation with friends. Whether it’s the truth or not is yet to be figured out, but we have our money on “no”.

Either way, Mr and Mrs Kutcher are making a huge show of solidarity in the face of the relentless dirt being unearthed. Demi even tweeted a saccharine photograph of them celebrating their fifth anniversary typing, “Thank you for all the anniversary wishes!! Enjoying a day lounging around watching “Breaking Bad” Great show!

Keep up the optimism, guys. ‘Cause Ms. Brittney doesn’t seem like she’s even close to being done with the two of you.

[Photo via Twitter]


Max Weinberg Won’t Follow Conan To TBS

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From the Huffington Post:

Conan O’Brien‘s longtime bandleader Max Weinberg isn’t following him to TBS.

O’Brien confirmed Monday that Weinberg won’t be joining him on “Conan,” his new late-night program set to debut in November. Weinberg had been O’Brien’s musical sidekick for 17 years, on both “Late Night” and the “Tonight Show.”

“Max has been a huge part of my life for the past 17 years and he is an incredible band leader and musician,” O’Brien said in a statement. “I hope he can find time to stop by the show, sit in with the band and pretend to find my monologue funny.”

Weinberg, who’s also the drummer for Bruce Springsteen’s E Street Band, said his time with O’Brien and crew was “a deeply rewarding experience” and that he does “look forward to dropping by.”

Guitarist Jimmy Vivino will take over as bandleader, a “Conan” spokesman said.

First of all, I am completely shocked that Jimmy Vivino’s name isn’t Jimmy Levino.  I’ve honestly thought it was Jimmy Levino since 1998 when I first saw Late Night with Conan O’Brien. (I grew up in Houston, TX where for many years the show did not air until 2:40 in the morning. I didn’t know the show existed until the summer between 8th and 9th grade when I first routinely started staying up until 4:00 AM.)  I don’t even know what kind of name I thought Levino was.  Some sort of Mexican/Jewish hybrid of a name I guess.

Secondly, I… don’t really, like… care that much about Max Weinberg?  I always liked Joel Godard more, but he didn’t even make it through to the move to NBC.  Also, you know what?  I think maybe the whole talk show format is outdated.  I’m sure, as far as talk shows go, Conan’s new show will be good, but, honestly, how much longer are we going to do this thing where we watch a person deliver four minutes of toothless current even jokes followed by pointless interviews with inceasingly less impressive “stars” who talk about what a “geek” they were in highschool? You weren’t a “geek.”  Shut up.  And you do too know what clip they’re going to show.  Don’t be an assh*le.

Yikes, this post got negative very quickly for no reason at all.

Lady Gaga’s Pop Pop Passes Away

by (@hallekiefer)

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In sad celebrity news, Lady Gaga’s grandfather died last Friday. We can imagine him in heaven now, still trying to get his granddaughter to put on a sweater when they go to Applebee’s, for chrissake. Gaga shared a great relationship with her 88-year-old gramps; at one show she even dedicated the song “Speechless” to him, explaining, “I’m really close with my grandpa.” At least he got to see his granddaughter wear a dress made out of meat to accept an award for her insanely-successful music. What more could a man could ask for in life?

Gaga has famously been close to the men in her family, crediting her father for helping her kick a nasty coke habit and generally being her biggest supporter. We’d love to know what Grandad Gaga passed onto his grandchild. The ability to believe in herself? The shimmer powder that best highlights an exposed pelvic bone? She had to learn those things somewhere!

Over the weekend Gaga tweeted, “Having a Perfect Manhattan, for my perfect guy. Love you Giuseppe,” the Italian form of her grandfather’s name, Joseph Germanotta. Here is where we would normally make a joke about a tasteful pantsless memorial service, but honestly we are too busy blinking back tears and hugging every man over 50 that walks past our cubicle to do it.  [Photo: Getty Images]

Khloé And Lamar Defy The Odds By Celebrating Their One-Year Anniversary!

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It seems like just yesterday that Khloé Kardashian and Lamar Odom got married in a rush job wedding only one month after they met. The romance and subsequent nuptials were a boon to Vegas oddsmakers and a shock to anyone who is even slightly familiar with the boyfriend history of the Kardashian girls – in short, we never thought they’d last. And yet here we are, one whole year later, wishing these two a happy anniversary. Honestly, the odds of this couple staying together appeared even worse than the odds of Khloe meeting the president— what??! That wasn’t just some bad dream we had? What the hell??

In honor of the pair’s paper anniversary, let’s look back on them as they have been over the past year, happy, successful and with Khloé trailing Lamar everywhere they go. Mazel Tov, you crazy kids!

Mariah Carey Makes Stage Fall Worse With Awkward Diva Banter

by (@katespencer)

Mariah Carey took a wee tumble onstage in Singapore this weekend, which would be no big deal except that she totally turned it into one. The singer was clomping around belting out “Make It Happen,” when she just sort of keeled over slowly like a scoop of ice cream melting off of a cone. Rather than gracefully allowing her minions to lift her up and continue singing, she instead gets all awks about it and stops singing to yammer about her heels while insisting an army of people gather round and remove her shoes.

In other words: typical Meems.

Snooki Hospitalized With Alcohol Poisoning – Or In Medical Terms, “Being Snooki”

by (@hallekiefer)

We know we laugh at these Jersey Shore fools a lot: Oh,  how they love to drunkenly fight, smush and smush-fight!  But still, we don’t want any of them to die. We gasped in horror and held our handkerchiefs to our mouths today when we found out Snooki had to be hospitalized for alcohol poisoning during the filming of the second season.

We don’t understand how that girl drinks at all, given how teeny she is. In our mind Snickers should be sipping out of a thimble, or an acorn. She should also have a pointed red hat and talk to a fox and live in a hole in the ground. Basically we want Snooki to be a little Jersey David the Gnome. But she has to stay alive to do it!

A source told Radar that Snooki “was so drunk that she had to be carried out of the nightclub ‘Dream’ by the show’s producers.” We imagine someone just picked Snooki up like a sleeping bag and carted her out under their arm. After her visit to the doctor, “Snooki was out of commission for about two days and was left in pain after undergoing the hospital treatment.”

We guess we shouldn’t be that surprised. For all we know, every night at Beachcomber’s went from fist-pumping to stomach-pumping real quick, with The Situation and Pauly D doing a round of salt-water lavages in the hot tub. We just hope Snooki learned her lesson about getting stinking drunk following her arrest. If something bad happens now, Snicks, you’ll never savor another pickle again, or get to be John McCain’s running mate/wife. And that is too tragic for us to think about.

The Best Rich People Lunch In History

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Is that… Jay-Z, Warren Buffett, and Steve Forbes?  Yes.  Yes it is!  And are they all drinking exceedingly gay milk shakes?*  Two of ‘em are!  Apparently Forbes.com made this happen:

The first Forbes 400 Summit was surreal, amazing and, in the end, moving. We gassed up a Gulfstream 450 one warm September morning and flew one of the most successful recording artists of all time, Jay-Z, to meet the most successful investor of all time, Warren Buffett, on the latter’s home turf of Omaha, Neb. The intent was to capture their very different perspectives on success and wealth and to talk about the social obligations that come with each. They ended up finding out they had more in common than anyone would have expected between a 40-year-old rapper from the Brooklyn projects and the 80-year-old sage of compounded returns.

Jay-Z should write a song about this lunch that is the opposite of Hard Knock Life.  I can’t imagine what tip they could have left for the waiter that wouldn’t have been disappointing.

*No homo.*

*Please don’t murder me, Jay-Z.*

*I’m not afraid of you, Warren.*

*Steve’s got a weird Wallace and Gromit face.

The Situation Can’t Get Situated With Karina Smirnoff

by (@missmuttoo)

Can you imagine what was going on in The Situation‘s mind when he found out he was paired with Karina Smirnoff on Dancing with the Stars? His brain probably detonated. All that hair gel just needed a trigger anyway.

(And now, for an experiment:  We’re going to see how often we can use “the situation” within the text of this post. Because not only has the guy overstayed his welcome in pop culture-land, he now has a permanent home in our brain.)

The situation is that Karina is quite possibly the equivalent of Jessica Rabbit for The Situation. The fact that he has to, probably for the first time in his life, be professional and not try to get his situation  into her tutu, is proving to be quite the situation for him. It’s like she’s his kryptonite!

But he’s going to keep the situation under control, explaining, “We look really good together, and we’d probably have cute kids, but I’m pretty sure she has a boyfriend. Unless something happens with that, I’m going to stay respectful. So that’s that situation.”

Ha – Karina would so high-kick him in the situation if he ever tried to get fresh! Come to think of it… it’s probably already happened.

Man Segways Into the Afterlife By Riding Off Cliff

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Here is one of those rare tragic stories that you will feel terrible about after finding funny. But really, it’s sad. No, really.

Jimi Heselden is a British entrepreneur who, back in December, took over the company that manufactures Segways. Once billed as the device that was going to revolutionize the transportation industry, the Segway ended up becoming a device that revolutionized how stupid security guards look at shopping malls. The Segway was the Edsel of the new Millennium.

But Mr. Heselden did not let that stop his dream of taking over a company that had in a way turned into a first-world joke. He had big dreams. BIG dreams. He was going to show those people that rolled their eyes at him at the company Christmas party. He would take the Segway to the top.

Of a cliff. And then fall off of it.

And that is exactly how Jimi Heselden died. Riding his Segway off of a cliff.

It’s a tragic story, certainly. But in this day and age where the internet can make a previously unknown man instantaneously famous, it’s a story that must be shared. We’re just sad Jimi only saw the fame he thought his Segway deserved as a result of his death.

Why did it have to be him?? Why God? Why couldn’t you have taken one of the dozens of other people on Earth who own this deadly device?? Someone, like, say, for instance:


Raven-Symoné

Bret Michaels Gives Us Something To Believe In

by (@katespencer)

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Er, and that ‘something’ would be the Fountain of Youth, which apparently sprayed their sweet waters all over Bret Michaels rippling abs and muscular quads. Guys, Bret is almost 50 years old, but he hardly looks a day over 21 on the new cover of Billboard magazine. Sure, we all know him to be a lovable hunk who enjoys rockin’ worlds, but this new batch of Bret hotness is bringing us back to the good ol’ days when we made out with the TV screen each time the “Every Rose Has Its Thorn” video came on MTV. Clearly the singer’s gone all Benjamin Button on us and is only getting better looking with age. Let’s pray there’s hope for the rest of us.

For more Bret, be sure to watch his upcoming show Life As I Know It, which premieres on VH1 on October 18 at 10/9c.

[via DListed]