NFL WEEK 10 RECAP: White Guys Rap, Get Injured

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Your NFL Week 10 Recap, in the form of stupid pictures and video:

Dolphins 29, Titans 17

Miami won convincingly at home despite in-game injuries to both Chad Pennington and Chad Henne. The lesson? Singing Eminem in practice is bad karma for Chads:

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Teach: Tony Danza Series Finale Recap: A Dull And Fitting Ending

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This is a recap of the seventh and final episode of A&E’s new television program, Teach: Tony Danza. The show was not renewed for a second season and Tony Danza is no longer a teacher. We’re all going to be okay.

The previous episode of Teach: Tony Danza was great. It seemed like Tony Danza was actually getting the hang of this whole teaching thing and that the students were finally beginning to see him as a trustworthy authority figure. It was a genuinely interesting hour of television that made you think to yourself, “Wait, this might actually be a worthwhile series.” But then this episode happened and you’re like, “Whoops never mind!” This show is the worst. Even listening to the students has gotten exhausting. Let’s get through this last terrible episode and then try to find a colon cleanse type diet for our brains.

The episode begins with Tony Danza assigning his class a five paragraph essay about who is responsible for the death of Caesar in Williams Shakespeare’s Julius Caesar. This essay will be a big part of the students’ grades because it will count as a project grade AND as a participation grade. Oh sh*******t. The students are not happy about this because they do not like writing essays. Algernon explains.

“We just finished reading the book; why we gotta do an essay already?” says Algernon. Jesus Christ, Algernon.

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Christian Bale Is “Bored S**tless” With Some “Tool.” Turns Out, He Means Himself.

by (@hallekiefer)

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Oh how we love a good Christian Bale rant! While we’re all pretty used to Bale yelling at everyone around him, it’s a refreshing change of pace when the person he’s tearing apart…is himself. When describing his acting career in December’s issue of Esquire, Bale admits, “Well, it’s also just I’m bored s***less with myself.” Considering he’s starred in some of the biggest blockbusters in the past couple years, he’s probably one of the only people who would say that. Then again, if he wants to mix it up and star in Brokeback Mountain 2, we ain’t complaining.

Explains Christian, “Well, it’s embarrassing to be a star. Most people look at you like, ‘That’s not a f***ing job, is it?’ And then on top of that, you learn very quickly that you’re just a tool — other people are manipulating everything you do, you’re at the mercy of editors, and there’s nothing you can do. But I learned that there’s a certain character that can be built from embarrassing yourself endlessly. If you can sit happy with embarrassment, there’s not much else that can really get to ya.” Hey, we’re tools who embarrass ourselves constantly too! The main difference is, we’re not getting paid millions upon millions of dollars to do it.

But it’s not all bad news; apparently Christian at least loves the inevitable backlash fame brings. Says Bale, “I do love people ripping the s**t out of me. I don’t know what that’s about, but I love it. The more crap you give me, the happier I get.” Oh, okay, great! Hmm, let’s see: your facial hair is silly, the voice you use for Batman is some middle-school-drama-club business, and we have yet to find you as hot as we did when you starred as Laurie in Little Women. Phew! That felt amazing. We hope you liked it to, Laur….we mean, Christian. [Photo: Getty Images]

Mel Gibson Had To Slap His Girlfriend To Save His Baby, Says Mel Gibson

by (@hallekiefer)

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We think we finally figured out why Mel Gibson has been acting so insane for the last…as long as we can remember: he was just trying to save babies! According to a recently released declaration he filed July 23, Gibson slapped Oksana Grigorieva in an attempt to save their baby Lucia after Oksana became “hysterical” and he feared she would accidentally hurt the child. Well, in that case, slap away Mr. Gibson! The slapping floor is yours!

Explained Mel. “I slapped Oksana one time with an open hand in an attempt to bring her back to reality. I did not slap her hard, I was just trying to shock her so that she would stop screaming, continuing shaking Lucia back and forth.” Ugh, we really hope none of this is true. It’s bad enough picturing a baby in danger, but when Mel Gibson is the sane person in a situation? You know things have taken a turn for the epically terrible.

Said Gibson in the report, “While I do not believe I handled the situation as well as I should have, I was worried about the rough way Oksana was shaking and tossing Lucia around.” AS WELL AS I SHOULD HAVE. Now that’s the understatement of the year. And we’re assuming Oksana was running around shaking that baby all over for no reason. Certainly not in response to anything her belligerent mad man of a boyfriend was doing. No siree bob….

According to the declaration, Mel also says he did not hit Oksana or knock any of her teeth, false or otherwise, out of her mouth. “There was never any blood on Oksana and none of her teeth were ‘broken,’ although one of the false veneers from a tooth apparently did come off, I did not see that occur at the time.” Well if Mel didn’t see it, it must have not happened! Glad to have that all cleared up. Now pardon us while we curl into a tiny ball in the corner for a few hours and quietly mumble to ourselves. [Photo: Getty Images]

Speidi Porn: Not Just For Spiderman Anymore

by (@JordanRuntagh)

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Wanna see a Speidi Sex Tape? No? Well that’s good, because you can’t. But the next best (or is it “worst?”) thing may be hitting back-room shelves very soon. Vivid Entertainment has reportedly approached Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag to direct their own line of pornographic videos. Which is good, because their own perfume line would just be too tasteful.

TMZ has obtained a letter sent to the couple from Steven Hirsch, the head of the adult film production company. Do you recognize that name? You should, because that’s the same brain pushing for a Kanye West-Taylor Swift inspired porn parody. Now he wants Spencer and Heidi to “explore [their] wildest fantasies” on film. This guy is on a roll. We’d shake his hand, but we don’t know where it’s been.

“We are offering you the chance to direct, as a couple, a series of explicit, XXX features for Vivid entitled Spencer and Heidi…Beyond Our Wildest Dreams,” he writes in the letter. “The fantasies will be yours…We believe that your ability to keep a relationship exciting and fresh-which you must surely bring to the bedroom…will yield an exciting new line of features as unexpected and as erotic as your fans know you to be.”

Dude, don’t be so fawning. If they’re as broke as they say, they’d probably do it for a couple bags of energy crystals. Besides, Speidi’s idea of keeping a relationship “exciting” seems so much more like “petty attention-grabbing trickery” to us. Sounds like these are going to be like skin flicks directed by N. Night Shyamalan. Whoa, crazy twist: she was a blowup doll all along!

[Photo: Splash News Online]

THE WALKING DEAD RECAP: The Walking Family Reunion

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This is a Recap Of AMC’s The Walking Dead, Season 1, Episode 3, entitled “Tell It To The Frogs”. It contains spoilers, such as what they tell to the frogs, and why they are telling that to the frogs. Also, the frogs are zombies. Spoilers like that.

Episode Three opens with a dramatic soliloquy from Merle Dixon, who’s still trapped on the roof begging Jesus to take a break from eradicating black people to help him reach this hacksaw:

Will the zombies manage to break through T-Dog’s chain so they can eat his racist brain and become racist? We’ll have to wait and find out, because it’s time for the long-awaited…

GRIMES FAMILY REUNION!!!

After the jump, Rick and his wife cuddle…WITH DEER-EATING ZOMBIES:

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Gaga For Yoga

by (@JordanRuntagh)

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No, that’s not a deleted verse from “Bad Romance.” Lady Gaga swung by her old friend Tricia Donegan’s Bikram Yoga Studio in New York City for some spiritual nourishment. Oh, and lots and lots of sweating. For those of you who aren’t familiar, Bikram Yoga is practiced in a room heated to more than 100 degrees! That explains their outfits, skimpy even by Gaga-standards.

Gaga reportedly used to attended Tricia’s classes while a student at NYU, and left her old instructor a note of thanks after her latest visit. “Tricia, Thank you so much for today,” wrote Momma Monster to Momma Yogini, “Lately I’ve been kicking ass in yoga, but I’m excited to embark on an even deeper journey with you. You are such an inspiration. I will be back soon. W more hydration + sleep. Yoga heals me + so do you. Love, Lady Gaga.”

We have to say, we’re impressed with Gaga’s yoga discipline! Bikram Yoga is a particularly intense form of the exercise, with some stricter classes forbidding movement to get a drink of water, or even just to wipe away sweat. But then again, if she can survive those Alexander McQueen heals, she can survive anything.

[Photo: Splash News Online]

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VIDEO: Taylor Momsen Before She Was A Raccoon Goth Hooker

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Gawker.tv has dug up this old school commercial of a 3-year-old Taylor Momsen teaching America how to Shake N’ Bake. You guyzzzuh, she was so adorable!!! So articulate, so fresh-faced, so not a teenage hooker sent back from the future to wear thigh highs and be generally unpleasant.

Where did we go wrong, America?

Athletic Harry Potter Nerds Unite For The Quidditch World Cup

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What happens when a bunch of ambitious college students who grew up on Harry Potter tire of the usual club sports like Ultimate Frisbee and dodgeball? They form Quidditch teams, of course! Forget the fact that Quidditch involves riding brooms, defying gravity, and chasing a Golden Snitch with a mind of its own, and forget that the sport was made up entirely by J.K. Rowling and was only ever meant to exist in our minds, it’s just proof once again that with enough cheap beer fueling you, nothing is impossible.

The Quidditch World Cup, now in its FOURTH year, was held in New York City this weekend and forty-six teams from across the country participated. The fact that not a single player flew seemed inconsequential to the athletes, and ultimately, Middlebury College’s squad of Muggles took the snitch to win it. Please enjoy some of our favorite photos from the event (that t-shirt above is perhaps the greatest thing ever to be silk-screened) and after the jump, a video of some of the matches that took place. You haven’t lived till you’ve seen two teams running around with brooms between their legs just to catch a non-magical golf ball.

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[Photos: Getty Images/Splash News Online]

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Will The Smith Family Please Adopt Us?

by (@JordanRuntagh)

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The Smith’s are probably the most talented family in showbiz. Daddy Will is one of the most bankable (and likable) box office stars in the world, Mamma Jada is a stylish actress and death metal singer (say wha!?) and kids TreyJayden and Willow have accomplished more before the age of twelve than entire generations of our family ever have or will.

So we’ve established that they kick major industry tush. But these pics from their family outing in the Bahamas make us wish we could be honorary Smiths for a day. The sun, the sand, the smiles, the sexy physique (talkin’ about Jada), the surfboard that isn’t floating away because we’ve wiped out and almost drowned; call us cynics, but this all just seems too good to be true! Clearly, these parents just DO understand. What is your secret, Smith Family? Show us the way!

[Photo: Splash News Online]

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