Weird, The Onion made something really funny. And by “weird” I of course mean not weird at all. Sometimes I say words I don’t mean. Anyway. Give me talented little girls dressed as Wolf Blitzer and lint roller jokes and I’ll give you my heart. Literally. I will cut it out, Temple of Doom style and give it to you. Ugh. OK, here’s the video:
Girl Raised From Birth By Wolf Blitzer Taken Into Protective Custody
So much talent. So much funniness. Such a cute little greased back hair style with a cute little serious face. Such a well placed Christiane Amanpour reference. Win.
Via NY Mag
While Muse frontman Matt Bellamy is busy nailing Kate Hudson, bassist Chris Wolstenholme is risking his life by insulting the Twilight franchise…the same franchise that made his band a favorite amongst money-spending Twi-hards around the globe. Muse has appeared on every Twilight soundtrack thus far, and while their dark rock music suits the movies, they’re also a favorite of author Stephenie Meyer. Yes, she has dedicated books to the band. Muse, it seems, is her muse.
But Chris ain’t so sold on the whole ‘appear on a cheesy tween movie soundtrack, get billions of fans’ formula, telling BBC’s Radio 1, “It’s very difficult in America, because you don’t have anything like Radio 1, nothing is national. You have to take every opportunity you get over there, and sometimes you have to sell your soul.”
Chris also added, “I’m not sure how cool it is to be on those kind of things, but sometimes you’ve just got to get your music out there in different ways.”
Oh, we have so many questions. Like, has Chris ever heard of our national radio hero, Ryan Seacrest? Has he listened at all to the 3 soundtracks, which are musically quite kick-ass? Is selling your soul really so bad when it results in you getting to play Madison Square Garden? And also, why is your music so cheesy and crappy?
Oops, did we just insert our personal opinion into this post? Sorry about that…we just have a hard time listening to some guy whine about being on awesome soundtracks with the likes of Bon Iver, Lykke Li, Beck, Bat For Lashes, Grizzly Bear, St. Vincent, Iron and Wine, Robert Pattinson…I mean when it comes to the musical company one keeps, he could be doing a lot worse. Suck it up, Chris! Or at least check out your bursting bank account before you lament the loss of your soul.
Fans of voodoo or business-themed playtime rejoice: BP CEO Tony Hayward now has his own action figure:
Hayward’s distinguished resume is around his neck, which includes the qualities “Underestimates,” “Destabilizes local economies,” “Whiny little bitch,” and “All around wanker.” Not sure why he’d write those on his resume and not include his phone number and email? He’s gonna have to nail his interviews.
The figure retails for $34.95 USD and barely looks like him, which is absurd, but it does have a wrist joint, so you can make him look like he’s masturbating, the #1 thing us educated action figure consumers (and former middle school students who find things hilarious) look for.
And, if you’re not into voodoo or whatever, you can always just play with Tony like a regular action figure:
In addition to being a famous singer/dancer/actress/mother, Jennifer Lopez is also the world’s most famous backside. Not willing to let anyone forget that fact, J.Lo unintentionally showed it off during a photo shoot with her family in Malibu yesterday, as she tried to wrangle twins Max and Emme.
When Lopez and husband Marc Anthony weren’t trying to get the kids to pose with their momma, they were seen getting cozy with each other and sharing a tender moment. It’s funny how a pair of man capris really softens Anthony’s look, he barely looks like Skeletor at all in these shots.
All in all, it was just another family outing for the Lopez-Anthonys, getting professionally photographed on the beach with dozens of onlookers and some bare, super-famous ass showing.
[Photos: Splash News Online]
Call it “Sh*t My Kid Says”: Tori Spelling has started a Twitter account for her three-year-old son Liam where she transcribes the funny things the child says.Ã‚Â Ã‚Â The Twitter site is called LiamsWorld and so far, it contains pithy gems likeÃ‚Â ”My belly roars like a monster. It says MUST EAT LOLLIPOPS! Yum!” andÃ‚Â ”Mama, you’re Lady Gaga cause you have yellow hair and you are fancy!”
Look, it’s a well-known fact that kids really do say the darnedest things, and so far Liam’s tweets are cute, but we can’t help but feel like Twitter for a toddler is taking things too far, especially…well, especially when you’re Tori Spelling and already have books and reality shows about your life and now you’re taking even more privacy away from your defenseless kid. Little Liam is going to grow up thinking it’s expectedÃ‚Â that he write books with his name punnily inserted into the title (What would make a better first memoir? “One In A MillLIAM”, “LIAM La Vida Loca” or “LIAM? I Don’t Even Know Him!”) and that just by being an heir to the Spelling name, he has to stay in the spotlight or feud with his family to maintain his fame.
Wait, hang on. We thought of a few more titles for Liam’s possible autobiographies, guys. We can’t help it, it’s like Tori is willing this to happen. “iamLIAM”. “LIAM Me Alone!” “LIAM On Me, When You’re Not Strong” (obvs, a self-help guide) and the title he can use in case he gets involved with drugs “Somebody Hand Me My vaLIAM”. Of course, maybe we’re exaggerating just a little, but the kid already has 19,000 Twitter followers, so there’s clearly an audience for the tiny wordsmith.
Advertising is everywhere, so why not use its power for Good, rather than Evil? An example of Evil being Lady Gaga’s
Virgin Mobile Telephone video, Good being this video. Converse commissioned Kid Cudi, Best Coast and Vampire Weekend’s Rostam Batmanglij to write a kick ass summer song. And so they did. It’s called “All Summer.” And a video was begat:
Or, you know, you could listen to the new Ace of Base track.
The Hills may be dead, but last night’s farewell party was alive with fabulous Cali girls, as well as a whackjob party crasher. MTV threw a bash at the Roosevelt Hotel as the series finale aired, and Lauren Conrad, Audrina Patridge, Whitney Port, and Kristin Cavallari looked predictably hot, freshly spray-tanned, and as fashionable as ever. Audrina rocked a curve-hugging magenta mini, LC went backless in a short glitzy gown, Kristin donned a flattering Zuhair Murad cocktail dress, and Whitney wore a colorful frock with some to-die-for sandals. We weren’t crazy about Lo Bosworth‘s matronly look, Stephanie Pratt‘s boring blue Herve Leger, or Holly Montag‘s frumpy feathered number.
While both the finale (with the exception of the Earth-shattering but expected ending) and The After Show were relatively tame and drama-free, what would the Hills be without a dash of Spencer Pratt‘s trademark insanity? Pratt was denied a room at the Roosevelt, so he had a friend book one, and sans estranged wife Heidi, walked around the premises with a video camera, while dressed up as a methhead mountain man. Totally normal behavior.
Spencer’s always been a hateful jerk, but his rate of marble losing has increased exponentially since the start of The Hills. Check out how the Hills cast has changed and where we predict they’re headed. [Source: People; Photos: Getty Images]
I’m not exactly Doctor Pandas over here (he’s in Funkadelic, right?), but I do recall the Fun Fact that pandas poop up to 20 times per day. Combining this fact with my knowledge of what happens when dogs eat people food, I would imagine that giving a panda a cake for its 5th birthday is a recipe for Guinness-book levels of diarrhea:
On the plus side, it sure is adorable! “Aaaaand many mooooooreee!!! Pandas hopefully! Because they’re rare but awesome!”
See? That was happier. Guess I’m just a ‘glass half full of diarrhea’ kind of guy.
Twitter battle! And this time it’s between headed-to-jail-bird Lindsay Lohan and Joan Rivers. The comedienne bashed Li-lo, tweeting, “Lindsay Lohan had “F**k You” painted on her nails. What people don’t know is that the judge had “Eat me you party skank,” painted on hers.”
That was the last in the series that started with a Twitter message that read, “Lindsay Lohan said she wouldn’t mind being under oath because she thought Oath was a Norwegian ski instructor.” Other pot-shots twittered included, “Lindsay Lohan is so dumb. Her idea of being sworn in is cursing at the judge” and this twiss (twitter-diss), “ I was just reading about the new Lindsay Lohan diet, which is all liquid. 80 Proof.” Ha-freakin’-ha, Rivers.
Lindz lashed out on her own tweeting, “Joan Rivers and her “stargument” make me believe that she and Michael Lohan are a match made in heaven….” adding, “all he needs is her botox doctor. “Dr.” Drew- any ideas? Botox rehab reality show?” Ouch, Dad, Joan and Dr Drew- that’s a three-in-one smack down! She even got poetic tweeting rap lyrics, no less, “in the words of 50 cent.. “You shouldn’t throw stones if you live in a glass house and if you got a glass jaw, you should watch yo mouth”
An unexpected third party also made their presence felt. Old flame Samantha Ronson jumped into to defend her ex tweeting, “Hey Joan Rivers…You have collagen older than Lindsay, pick on someone your own age, oh wait I guess people that old can’t hear.” Not totally surprising since they just met up for a sushi dinner, after SamRon made a housecall at Lindsay‘s the night before. Lindz is supposed to turn herself in on July 20th.
[Photo: Getty Images]
Next up in our ongoing series “Does Anyone In High Fashion Have The Guts To Be Like, ‘Hey Everyone, This Is Really Stupid!’” (Part 1: Lion-O), we present this photo from Barcelona Fashion Week:
Awesome! It’s about time Gallagher’s stage outfit from 1986 made a comeback! Fashion trends truly are cyclical.
After the jump, two more pics from the Juan Antonio Avalos “Stoic Balloon Hats” runway show, really tempting that Emperor’s New Clothes kid to speak up: