Man Segways Into the Afterlife By Riding Off Cliff

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Here is one of those rare tragic stories that you will feel terrible about after finding funny. But really, it’s sad. No, really.

Jimi Heselden is a British entrepreneur who, back in December, took over the company that manufactures Segways. Once billed as the device that was going to revolutionize the transportation industry, the Segway ended up becoming a device that revolutionized how stupid security guards look at shopping malls. The Segway was the Edsel of the new Millennium.

But Mr. Heselden did not let that stop his dream of taking over a company that had in a way turned into a first-world joke. He had big dreams. BIG dreams. He was going to show those people that rolled their eyes at him at the company Christmas party. He would take the Segway to the top.

Of a cliff. And then fall off of it.

And that is exactly how Jimi Heselden died. Riding his Segway off of a cliff.

It’s a tragic story, certainly. But in this day and age where the internet can make a previously unknown man instantaneously famous, it’s a story that must be shared. We’re just sad Jimi only saw the fame he thought his Segway deserved as a result of his death.

Why did it have to be him?? Why God? Why couldn’t you have taken one of the dozens of other people on Earth who own this deadly device?? Someone, like, say, for instance:


Raven-Symoné

Bret Michaels Gives Us Something To Believe In

by (@katespencer)

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Er, and that ‘something’ would be the Fountain of Youth, which apparently sprayed their sweet waters all over Bret Michaels rippling abs and muscular quads. Guys, Bret is almost 50 years old, but he hardly looks a day over 21 on the new cover of Billboard magazine. Sure, we all know him to be a lovable hunk who enjoys rockin’ worlds, but this new batch of Bret hotness is bringing us back to the good ol’ days when we made out with the TV screen each time the “Every Rose Has Its Thorn” video came on MTV. Clearly the singer’s gone all Benjamin Button on us and is only getting better looking with age. Let’s pray there’s hope for the rest of us.

For more Bret, be sure to watch his upcoming show Life As I Know It, which premieres on VH1 on October 18 at 10/9c.

[via DListed]

Christina Aguilera Is Trying Way Too Hard

by (@katespencer)

christina-aguilera

Saying Christina Aguilera looks like a drag queen in these pics from Saturday’s Lynda and Stewart Resnick Exhibition Gala in Los Angeles would just be too easy. But seriously, if she was crowned winner of RuPaul’s Drag Race we would stand and cheer with a straight face. Girlfriend looks amazing…for a 50-year-old dude.

Too harsh? Yes, probably (okay, definitely). But Christina’s clearly doing everything in her power to distract us from the flop that was Bionic, and we’re just not sure deforming her face and hair with synthetics is the way to go. Some peeps in the blogosphere might get on her for packing on a pound or two of additional curves. Not us, friends. We like – nay, love – women who look like actual humans and this dress hugs her perfectly in all the right places. (Boobs and hips! Boobs and hips!) But the old glamor on crack look would give even David LaChappelle a migraine. Tone it down, X-Tina! You’ve got at least a couple more decades before we expect you to turn into Liza Minella. Why get an early start?

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BOARDWALK EMPIRE RECAP: Is This “I Love Money?”

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This is a Recap of Boardwalk Empire Episode 2, “The Ivory Tower”, originally airing September 26, 2010. If you thought the first episode was Olde Timey Gangstery, then hoo boy, you were correct in that evaluation.

Episode 2 of the ‘Walks picks up with Nucky getting a visit from the resident prohibition agent, the joyless, no-nonsense, no-sympathies, yes-hat Agent Van Alden:

Live-Action Rex Banner isn’t buying Nucky’s explanation that Hans Schroder, the baker’s assistant with one minor arrest 10 years ago, mastermined the previous week’s gangster mass-murder, and shrugs off Nucky’s shady offer to speak with the sheriff, Brother McIncahoots. We find out later that the agent isn’t just mad at Nucky but also generally joyless, evidenced when he writes this unromantic letter to his wife:

Van Alden returns to his supervisor with the series-establishing line that compared to Arnold Rothstein, Nucky Thompson is the “much bigger fish.” Congratulations – you watched the opening credits.

After the jump, Al Capone beats a reporter, then some not the most famous gangster ever gangsters do some other gangster stuff:

Read more…

Wyclef Jean Hospitalized For Stress

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Wyclef Jean, fresh off his failed bid for the Haitian presidency, has been hospitalized in New Jersey for stress and fatigue. The news was first announced on the AFACeAFACe Twitter account late last night and has been confirmed. Billboard.com reports that Jean has been enduring terrible headaches over the past few weeks and source says his crazy work schedule has run him down.

“He has been following a very heavy schedule,” says the insider, “that has taken him to Europe twice, Asia and Africa, at the same time he’s working to finish his upcoming album and he has been meeting with a few head of States during the General Assembly Session at the U.N.”, which no doubt led to his exhaustion. We wish him a speedy recovery.

Gloria Stuart, Rose From Titanic, Dead at 100

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Gloria Stuart, the woman whose foot on a boat railing followed by dropping a million dollar necklace into the ocean caused millions of teenagers to weep with feckless abandon, has passed away at the ripe old age of 100 years old. Yes, the old woman in Titanic has passed. Also the oldest Oscar nominee ever!! Can you imagine? She was 87 when Titanic came out and was alive only up until this week. With the way James Cameron works his talent, this is nothing short of a miracle. This woman is a legend.

And sure, she was 100, but we’re still a litttttle bit surprised. Do you see that photo of her above drinking wine? That was taken at her 100th birthday only a couple of months ago. Hell, I looked like that this weekend and I’m only 60.

Alas, it saddens us that a woman who featured to prominently in many of our youths is gone. If you get a chance to read her obituary, she led a colorful life, and Google Image has proved that she was quite the fox back in her day.

Now, the only thing we can hope for is that this happens at her funeral:

Crystal Bowersox Is Engaged

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Proving once again that the life of an American Idol runner-up is more intriguing than the life of the actual winner, we have a happy report today regarding season nine’s Crystal Bowersox. It was announced this weekend that Mama Sox is engaged!

Bowersox had a very public breakup with her boyfriend Tony just before the American Idol finale, but since the show ended she’s had a productive and positive summer, snagging a record deal and dealing with her snaggle tooth. Her engagement to musician Brian Walker is just one more bit of good news to add to the list. While the couple has only dated for a few months,  Walker and Bowersox appear to have known each other for at least year, having performed together at local shows in Chicago before Bowersox hit the big time on Idol. Congrats, guys!

Internet Gets Ass In Gear, Guy Packs A Bag

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The internet had an insane two days this weekend.  It went down to Cabo, got trashed with its friends, and now it’s back to work and has really and very seriously been dragging ass.  I burst into the internet’s office about 15 minutes ago, and I was like “Internet!  Come ON, man.  Have you done anything today?!” And the internet was like, “Yeah, dude.  Chill.  I made this guy pack a whole ton of stuff in a bag.”

I was skeptical at first.  I thought the internet was just trying to look busy. A guy packing a bag?  What is that?  But then I looked at its video… and it’s weirdly entertaining!  This guy really packs the SH*T out of this bag!  And the length of this video?  MAN ALIVE, this video absolutely kills it on the length.  One minute and twenty three seconds.  Really solid video length.  Don’t ever doubt the internet.  It’s doing its work.

Where’s this guy going, Efficiencytown?

Thanks, Best of YouTube.

Lindsay Lohan – Out Of Jail And Into The Homeless Shelter

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On Friday, Lindsay Lohan successfully appealed her 30-day jail sentence and was released just hours after being locked up. A new judge ruled that if she posted $300,000 bail and agreed to wear yet another SCRAM-bracelet she could be free, and Lindsay complied. Thus began quite the busy weekend for the starlet.

Firs came the news that Lohan was planning another stint in rehab. Not surprising. But then came the “news”/desperate PR attempt that on Sunday Lindsay decided to visit an L.A. homeless shelter and outreach center with her mom Dina and sister Ali. Perhaps as a live-action cautionary tale for the teens who are staying there. Lohan Tweeted about it, saying “What a great place The Dream Center is here in LA… had a nice time there today, it’s so important to give back. I feel blessed.” We’ll leave it to you to decide what exactly Lindsay was giving back.

The trip to the shelter may have been an attempt at damage control because this weekend (seriously, what an eventful two days this all was) also saw the release of pictures of Lindsay, allegedly taken in 2007, appearing to shoot heroin. She’s not actually shooting up in the photos but she’s playing with a needle in two pictures and kissing pal Paris Hilton in another. In their case, the guilt by association multiplies exponentially given their histories. At this point, the pictures are just more of an embarrassment than a legal woe because taking edgy, druggy, lesbian-y pictures is so five years ago. But they certainly can’t help her cause right about now.

We are so exhausted by this girl.