Snoop Drops New Song For Prince William’s Bachelor Party, Is All Kinds Of Inappropriate

by (@hallekiefer)

Now we know what ya’ll be doing at 4:20pm today if you live on the West Coast: listening to Snoop Dog’s new song for Prince William’s bachelor party, of course! That’s what you guys were thinking too, right? Rumors had circulated that Prince Harry wanted Snoop to perform at his brother’s last night of freedom, and because Snoop is basically a king among men he took it to the next level by composing a new tune. Those of us here on the East Coast can have a listen at 7:20pm. The only downside to the whole thing? The title of the song…is “Wet.” Guys, come on! Kate Middleton gets the chance in a million to be an actual princess, and you are ruining this for everybody being lewd! We’re not saying we aren’t going to dance when it plays on the radio, but still. Have some composure!

According to his PR team, the new Snoop Dogg song “Wett” “is the perfect anthem for Prince William or any playa to get the club smokin’.” Man, 4:20 can’t come fast enough! We’re still talking about the song! For the most part. [Photo:]

Reese Witherspoon Confident That “Funny Doesn’t Sag”

by (@hallekiefer)

While most actresses over the age of 19 are scheduling their yearly face lift (we’re look at you, practically everyone in Hollywood), according to a 34-year-old Reese Witherspoon, aging makes her feel nothing but the sexy. Says Reese in the January issue of Glamour, “I think as a woman, you get older, you feel more confident in your sexuality. You’re not as intimidated by it, not as embarrassed by it. Sexuality and femininity is an accumulation of age and wisdom and comfort in your own skin. I feel better–so much better now than I ever did in my twenties. I am calmer; I know who I am. And as a result, I feel much sexier.” Being thin, blond and gorgeous can’t hurt, but then again, we’ve never been 34. Well, once, but that was a really long time ago.

As for furthering her career with rom-coms like the upcoming How Do You Know, Witherspoon assures us, “There’s always going to be somebody younger or sexier. That’s why I like to say, and it’s become my famous line, ‘Funny doesn’t sag.'” Thank god! If it did we’d all look like basset hounds. Well, more so than we do now, which is A LOT. 

Regis Philbin Gets Freaky With Nicki Minaj, Smacks Her Ass On Live TV

by (@unclegrambo)

regis-nickirnrnIf you’ll allow us to use the parlance of one Sir Mix-A-Lot for a moment, everybody knows that Nicki Minaj is “little in the middle but she got much back.” However, until today, we had no clue that Regis Philbin “likes ‘em real thick and juicy.” Yes, that Regis Philbin! rnrnAfter a performance of “Right Thru Me” on LIVE! with Regis And Kelly, VH1 Divas performer Nicki Minaj was interviewed by the diminutive yet highly excitable octogenarian. Seemingly possessed by the spirit of Mix-A-Lot himself, Reege found himself so enthralled with Nicki’s curves that he up and smacked her on the ass. It’s something that has to be seen to be believed.rnrn Read more…

Report: Tom Brady Inhumanely Forced By Gisele To Get Hairplugs, Bieber Haircut

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Tom Brady may have lucked into marrying one of the hottest women in the world when he nabbed Gisele Bündchen for his bride, but if reports are true, his Brazilian supermodel wife is obsessed with his looks, to the point where she is now controlling his hair. When we first saw Brady’s long, Bieber-like locks, he was just recovering from a car accident on his way to Patriots practice. He and his hair were unharmed, but we were shocked by how pop-star-ish Brady looked. Turns out, it’s all Gisele’s doing. And it’s not just because she likes her men shaggy, her motives are far more sinister. It’s because she’s ashamed of Brady’s…bald spot.

Back in September during a radio interview, when Brady was asked why he doesn’t cut his hair, he replied “You’ll have to speak to my wife about that.” Now, The National Enquirer reports that Brady’s car was seen at the Leonard Hair Transplant Association in Rhode Island and a source said “He spent over an hour consulting with Dr. Leonard before he slipped out the back door and drove off.” So if we’re to read between the lines (of the Victoria’s Secret Model’s Playbook), Gisele is forcing Tom to grow his thinning hair out, and also forcing him to get plugs. You know, because if you’re going to be married to a super-hot model, it’s not enough that you’re just a professional football player, you have to stay super-hot yourself.

[Photo: Splash News Online]

Rihanna: “Girls Don’t Like To See Other Girls Dressed Sexy”

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Honestly, we didn’t realize Rihanna had so many haters! After her rants against bloggers and tweets complaining about the media’s Chris Brown obsession, it sounds like the singer’s feeling more than a little persecuted. Now Rihanna is telling British GQ that it’s only natural for her to get negative attention—at least from the ladies. “People think I’m overly sexy,” says the singer. “It bothers them for some reason. Girls don’t like to see other girls dressed sexy. It’s a little intimidating—I don’t mean that in a cocky way.” Oh, of course not. Nothing cocky about suggesting your fashion sense intimidates your gender.

“People are hypocrites…Most of them are unhappy with themselves. It’s women who are mad at other women. They should take a look at their own lives. A lot of people don’t have the guts to confront themselves. They don’t have the balls.” Yow! Not that this harsh, genital-focused language means she’s totally unsympathetic to her fellow ladies. “Every time they see me my ass is out or my boobs are out, so it can get a little irritating. I get that. But I have to do what makes me happy, what I feel like doing.” Fair enough, Rihanna—your boobs, your bliss. But do try to remember that “don’t hate” is a two way street.

[Photo: GQ]

Larry King Will Do Stand Up Comedy Now

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We are all buying tickets to Larry King‘s first show no matter how much it costs or where it is. From an interview with New York Magazine:

“I might do Internet stuff.” One definite project is a comedy tour. “I’m funny,” says King. “I’m going to do stand-up. That’s what I love.”

First of all, it’s crazy how much more suited he is to assume the stage name Larry The Cable Guy than is the actual Larry The Cable Guy.

Secondly, I strongly recommend you read the rest of the interview. JUST KIDDING. Good god. Don’t do that. It’s literally a whole interview with Larry King. But you know you’re excited to see Larry King do stand-up. You hope he puts together a whole hour. And furthermore, You hope it is absolutely filthy. You want him to do 15 minutes on using his suspenders to hold up a condom. You want that. You want  gross loose skin jokes. He should get arrested Lenny Bruce style for what you want from this man in his stand-up comedy.

Chad Ochocinco Confirms Engagement To Evelyn Lozada

by (@JordanRuntagh)

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It looks like the Ultimate Catch is officially off the market. Reality star and Cincinnati Bengal Chad Ochocinco sat down with Ryan Seacrest this morning to confirm his engagement to Basketball Wives’ Evelyn Lozada. Rumors have been flying since earlier this month when Evelyn tweeted a picture of a 10-carat ring Ochocinco bought her. Although it looked like an engagement rock, we couldn’t be sure until today.

“Yeah, man … It’s time for me to sit down,” he said on Seacrest’s KIIS FM radio show. “Enough is enough. I’m 32, you know. My days are over. You know how you deal with this person, that person, but you can’t ever find everything in one individual? I think I found everything I’ve been looking for in one person. [She’s] everything I’ve been missing.” But still, that doesn’t make her perfect. “Ain’t no such thing as perfect…” he laughed. “[But she’s] close enough.” She looks pretty good to us, too. Congrats on winning the Marriage Super Bowl, 85!

[Photo: Getty Images]

Is Matt Lauer Angling To Replace Steve Carell On The Office?

by (@unclegrambo)

That’s the only explanation we can think of why he began giggling like a schoolgirl when a classic “That’s what she said!” moment occurred during this otherwise innocuous segment of this morning’s Today Show.

Also! We would like to award bonus brownie points to the crack Today Show producer who inserted a bullet point into this presentation that read “Pay attention to package size.” Wise words, indeed.

[Thanks to the Today Show Tumblr!]

The Return Of Kirsten Dunst

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You may have noticed that Kirsten Dunst has kept a low profile for the past couple years, but she hasn’t tried to keep it a secret that she was in rehab. What we didn’t know about her rehab till now is that she was being treated for depression, not drug or alcohol addiction. Dunst spoke to New York Magazine and said that she burned out on Hollywood and needed a break – not surprising since she’s been working as an actress for over twenty years.

Dunst explained her retreat from the spotlight, saying “I think most people in their twenties go through some sort of depression,” and said that it was poor reviews of Marie Antoinette combined with too much solitude that made her snap. “I loved doing it, but it came with weird, hurtful criticism as well, and I took it to heart. Now I think I should have had a roommate. To be all the way alone, up there, in that house. But then I learned to be alone when I was very young.”

The actress is back on track these days with a new movie, All Good Things, co-starring Ryan Gosling, coming out this week and a new boyfriend, Rilo Kiley drummer Jason Boesel. As for feeling isolated, she’s given up her huge house and moved back in with her mother for now. Of course that doesn’t mean she’s reverting back to her childhood. Her “only” ambitions from now on are to have kids and become a director. Sounds like a plan.

The Kay Jewelers Storm Commercial Just Won’t Die

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Last year, Kay Jewelers began airing a commercial that featured a couple in a cabin during a thunderstorm clinging to one another and saying sentences that people who aren’t characters in Kay Jewelers commercials never say to one another.

The past few weeks, this ad has been resurrected and is now airing NON-STOP during Kay’s annual holiday-ads blitzkrieg, because apparently, no one who works for Kay’s was able to watch this and instantly think “Holy sh*t, is that guy going to murder her and dance with her corpse? Cause that’s really what it sounds like.”

“Don’t let go…EVER.” That sounds like something Jessica Alba should be saying at the end of Fantastic Four 2 while clinging desperately to the Silver Surfer’s board. If that’s how couples are supposed to talk to one another, my girlfriend and I are DROPPING. THE. BALL. We watched The Squeakquel last week.