Bad Credit Is This Chubby Bald Dude In A Hockey Mask

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Ever wonder what Bad Credit looks like? Spoiler: It’s a chubby bald dude in a Jason Mask who picks his ear. Frankly, I find the car salesman’s reaction to be highly unprofessional — what if someone came in to buy a car and had a strangely disfigured child? I’m having a lot of problems with characters in commercials today.

Regardless, it’s nice to finally know what Bad Credit looks like (kind of). I haven’t been this excited since the Doctor Claw action figure came out and I finally got to what he looks like. Never mind, that totally sucked. So this is way better:

Let’s Make A Toast For The Douchebags, A-Holes and Scumbags

by (@unclegrambo)

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Ever since the VMAs aired on Sunday night, everyone here at TheFABLife has been beyond obsessed with Kanye West‘s new song, “Runaway.” In particular, the song’s chorus of “Let’s make a toast for the douchebags / Let’s have a toast for the a-holes / Let’s have a toast for the scumbags / Every one of them that I know” has been ringing through our hallways all week long. This zeitgeist-grabbing chorus got us thinking about who are today’s biggest d-bags, a-holes and scumbags; so, of course, we compiled a list of the people that we would toast … with a giant mug of Haterade, of course! Below, you’ll find our Top Ten lists of celebrities whose boorish and obnoxious behavior landed them in one of these three groupings (and that includes you, Kanye!). Who did we miss?

DOUCHEBAGS: Michael Phelps / Jon Gosselin / Brandon Davis / Jared Leto / Dustin Diamond / Criss Angel / Christian Audigier / Brody Jenner / Dane Cook / Spencer Pratt

A-HOLES: Glenn Beck / Ashton Kutcher / Michael Bay / Gordon Ramsey / Sean Penn / Rush Limbaugh / Jay Leno / Chris Brown / John Mayer / Kanye West

SCUMBAGS: Steve-O / Tiki Barber / Joe Francis / Billy Crudup / Jesse James / Ben Roethlisberger / John Edwards / Tiger Woods / Mel Gibson / O.J. Simpson

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Like Mother, Like Daughter: Heidi’s Mom Joins The Overshare Parade

by (@hallekiefer)

And you think your parents are embarrassing. Heidi Montag’s mom Darlene Egelhoff has a new self-help blog…and she has a lot to say about her terrible relationship with her daughter. Amid posts on high school volleyball games and Colorado corn soup, Heidi Montag’s mother’s blog Metamorphosis of a Mother includes tidbits like, “I always end up in the same place; my precious baby girl cut me out of her life completely, the ultimate pain. The one thing I don’t know if I can survive.” MOOOOOOOOOOM!

Egelhoff has had a notoriously rocky relationship with her daughter, stemming primarily from Heidi’s marriage to human fail Spencer Pratt. Says Egelhoff, “God knows my motives were from the heart and out of desperation to save her from what I felt was a destructive, dangerous path being influenced by people who were profiting and benefitting from her.” At one point things got so bad Speidi even called the police on Darlene, all because she gently pointed out that her daughter’s plastic surgery left her looking like Eric Stoltz in Mask.

Now, we don’t begrudge anyone their own personal blog; that’s how we met all our dear friends in Rikers! However, once your daughter has become famous for desperately wanting to be famous, we think it’s  best to keep your thoughts off the internet. Save it for the vision board, Darlene.

The Umpire In This Haggar Ad Is Such An A**hole

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Here’s an ad for Haggar apparel that’s currently running during Mets games. In 15 seconds, it changed my opinion of Haggar’s from “no opinion” to “Haggar’s umpire is a d*ck.”

Why is this umpire so angry and unreasonable? The guy is dressed totally fine! Plus the suit guy looks like an even bigger a-hole in his photo montage. And who wears a suit to baseball games?

No, YOU’RE out of here, Haggar commercial! I just threw it out of the internet.

Project How Do You Feel About This: Pregnant Chelsea Handler Video

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Sometimes one of my friends will upload a video right up onto the internet and I will love it so much.  What I’m about to have you watch is one of those videos.  When I love a video the way I love this video, it is very hard for me to look at it objectively and make a competent decision as to whether or not you guys, the readers of this blog, will in any way enjoy it.  So what I’m going to ask is that, after you watch the video, you tell me how you feel about it in hopes that it will improve my future video posting judgment.  Did you like it?  Did you hate it?  Did it scare you?  This is Project How Do you Feel About This.

A brief explanation:  This is a single, very quick moment from the MTV Music Awards that Joe Mande posted to his blog.  I didn’t watch the MTV music awards so I have no context for this.  It appears to be Chelsea Handler dressed in a pregnant suit while running and yelling, “We’ll be right back!”  This is from a few weeks ago, so it is in no way still relevant pop-culture-wise.  But I just saw it yesterday, so give me a break.  Wait, no!  Don’t!  This is Project How Do YOU Feel About This, Not Operation Give Noah A Break.  Do not give me a break.  Take relevancy into account if you feel that is a criterion upon which your opinion should be based.  Commence project.

Well, guys?  Let’s hear it.  How do you feel about this?

UPDATE: So far it is unanimous!  People hate it!  I want to clear something up though.  This is not an endorsement of Chelsea Handler’s comedic talents.  I am not say that she’s being funny here.  I actually have no opinion on Chelsea Handler.  I just think her monster voice and out of context pregnant suit is scary/silly and funny in a way that I completely understand literally every single one of you not understanding.

Marilyn Manson’s Got A Little Something Stuck In His Teeth

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We don’t know what’s more fascinating: That Marilyn Manson is obsessed with Eastbound and Down, or that he really went for it to get that food out of his teeth at the show’s second season premiere. It’s just nice to know that when he’s not busy scaring the bejeezus out of people with his stage persona, he cares about his dental hygiene. Like, he reallly cares about it. To the point where it’s more like dental excavation. He’s really getting in there.

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[Photos: Splash News Online]

So A Tornado Touched Down In Brooklyn Yesterday

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Yeahhhh!!!! You ain’t nevah seen no tornadoes til you seen New Yawk tornadoes!!! We gots the best pizza, we gots the best bagels, we gots the best baseball, and now we got the best TORNADOES!! FUGGADABOUTDATORNADO!!!! We also gots the best shrubs, the best broadband, the best merry-go-rounds, the best calcium…

Your Eastbound And Down Season 2 Publicity Photo

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There’s no “right” or “wrong” way for stars of a tv show to appear at press junkets for publicity shots, but I think we can all agree that any photo involving a donkey in a sombrero is better than one without:

Eastbound, you’ve done it again! Now let’s start that season! September 26th??? Agggghhhhhhhh just come out!

In the meantime, an additional “Kenny n’ Donkey, Palz” pic, after the jump:

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Shocker: Paris Hilton Will Not Go To Jail For Her Coke Bust

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The ONE time Paris Hilton forgets to hide her cocaine in her vagina, she gets busted for it. Figures. Hilton and her boyfriend Cy Waits were arrested in Las Vegas three weeks ago for cocaine possession, but now Vegas lawmakers are offering her a plea deal which will allow her to avoid jail if she chooses to accept it. Wait, what? How is is possible that someone with a list of prior drug charges and a history of blaming them on others gets offered a plea deal? Oh right, she’s famous. And a millionaire. We forgot.

With the plea deal, Paris would have to plead guilty to two misdemeanor charges, a drug count and one count of lying to a police officer, rather than her current charge of felony drug possession. The felony drug possession charge carries a minimum one-year sentence if she’s found guilty – can you imagine Paris in prison for a year? Of course not, and it will never happen. The real criminal justice system is nothing like Law & Order. ‘Cause you know if Sam Waterston was on the case, he’d put her away for life. No word on whether Paris will take the deal, she heads back to court in Vegas on October 27.