I Ruin Your Morning After Dentist

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It’s morning time.  Guh-ross.  Am I right, ladies????  And the fellas know what I’m talkin’ about.  We got any married people in the house?  Let me hear ya!  Pssssssht, they can’t even yell.  Married people can’t get up the energy to yell out in the morning.  They up all late last night fightin’ with each other.  Screamin’ ’bout who gonna lick up all the baby powder.

So, that was me if I did stand up comedy in the morning and also thought that married people fight about who has to lick up baby powder.  Did you like it?  No.  You did not.  You know what else you won’t like?  This goddamn viral video.  Oof.  It is going to offend you, and it’s going to ruin your morning.  It’s a rip off of David After Dentist, but it’s two kids, and they’re older, and they’re not that entertaining, and they’re clearly playing it up, and the video is ten minutes long.  Too many minutes, internet!  But it’s going viral, so I want to show it to you so we can all get mad about the internet letting things get viral that shouldn’t get viral.  This is O-Town to the Backstreet Boys that was David After Dentist.  Why do we allow these things to happen?

There’s no way you watched that whole thing, right?  To be honest with you guys… I mean, a little bit I posted this video because I want us all to get upset about how this is a rip off of a viral video, and then furthermore get upset that anyone would ever take the time and effort to rip off a viral video.  But, if you want to get real — like for real real — I am writing this post at 3:27 AM because somehow I got myself sucked into watching Veronica f*cking Mars on Netflix. I’ve been watching it for 6 hours now, and it’s too late for me to be able to wake up in the morning to write a morning blog post.  This was the best thing I could find on the internet at 3:27 on a Monday morning.  So, I’m writing this now to be posted at 8:55 while I sleep well into the ten o’clocks.  Maybe into the elevens if I watch another episode.

Thanks A LOT, Buzzfeed.

P.S. Veronica Mars, as it turns out, is a very good show and you have to right to judge me unless you have seen it.  And, no, it is not for 14 year old girls.  It is for 26 year old boys.

UPDATE: Watched another episode.  See you at 11 something.

James Franco Gets A ‘D’ In Acting Class Because He Was Too Good Or Never Went

by (@hallekiefer)

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Where we come from “D” stands for Diploma, but for James Franco, getting a “D” in acting class at NYU isn’t quite so reassuring. “I did the work, I did well in everything else,” Franco insists, but suggests that his professor was uneasy with having a famous actor in his class. Hmm, that seems like a pretty convenient answer, James. Based on what we know about Franco’s classroom behavior, we’re guessing the truth is James spent more time face-down drooling on the syllabus than he did pretending to be a tree or learning how to cry on command.

Franco also pointed that he missed quite a number of classes due to this shooting schedule for his new flick 127 Hours with Amber Tamblyn and Lizzy Caplan….which was shot in Moab, Utah. Who knew starring in a movie that films 2,127 miles away might wreck your perfect attendance record? That’s like us taking Intro To Computer Science at Columbia while trying to keep a desk job in Greenland.

Alternately, maybe if Franco wasn’t enrolled in 18 different colleges at a time he’d be able to show up to one of them on a regular basis. Even now Franco is studying art at the Rhode Island School of Design and working on a PhD in English at Yale! A PhD! How is that even possible? We are almost certain they don’t let you sleep through those. [Photo: GettyImages]

The Jailhouse Glamour Of Lindsay Lohan

by (@hallekiefer)

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In the future, we are just going to tell time by how frequently Lindsay Lohan’s new mugshot is released. Though it seems like an eternity, it was actually only three Lohan-years-ago when Lindsay’s first jail pic dropped. In memorial we wanted to take a moment and pay homage to the timeless fashion choices Lohan has made in her pretty prison photos:

Summer 2007: An earthy, sun-kissed look, perfect for drunkenly careening through a parking lot as you chase your assistant through the night, or run over a man’s foot. Your mouth will stay gaping open forever once you see Lindsay’s clean, classic look, and the impressive amount of cocaine she’s managed to spill on it.

Fall 2007: What goes with a SCRAM bracelet? Everything. Some might say orange and yellow clash, but tell that to Lindsay’s face and hair. Sam Ronson was one lucky lady, when she wasn’t fending off slap fights. Lindsay may have stayed in jail for only 84 minutes after voluntarily turning herself in for two DUI charges, but hers is a look that will linger in fashion history forever.

Summer 2010: Devil may care! Because Lindsay certainly doesn’t, at least not about her career or professional reputation. Tanner, thinner, and starting her 90-day jail sentence, Lohan works that jumpsuit like she’s on a runway, probably because she’s so high she thinks she’s on a runway. Lindsay’s nails may have said “F*** U” to the judge, but her eyes say, “I’m going to start throwing drinks any minute, just to get your attention.”

Fall 2010: Lindsay Lohan’s most recent mugshot, or as we like to call them, jail-entines, proves Lindsay is once, twice, three times a lady made out of collagen. Lohan is always making bold choices, whether it’s a baby pink lip, a statement eye, or so much plastic surgery and weight-loss that her face looks like it belongs to a completely different person. Lohan also appears to have aged backwards over the course of her mug shots. Are Benjamin Button people the latest fashion trend? We’ll just have to wait for Lindsay’s next drug test to find out. Happy New Lohan Year!

The Night Sigourney Weaver And Jamie Lee Curtis Wore The Same Dress

by (@missmuttoo)

The night before the You Again premiere, two of the movie’s stars, Jamie Lee Curtis and Sigourney Weaver were having a chat on the phone. The film, BTW, deals with three generations of women who were high school rivals. But in real life, these two are totally besties now, naturally.

Jamie Lee Curtis: Hey S.Weave!
Sigourney Weaver: Hey JLC!
JLC: So I was thinking, wouldn’t it be a hoot if we showed up at the premiere wearing the exact same dress? ‘Cause then the fashion police won’t get to choose who’s hotter. I love you!
SW: You mean to say you’re scared someone will say I’m hotter than you, even though I’m older? Hah. Joking! I love you!
JLC: Erm. Okay.
SW: I was totes kidding. You’re just a little bit on edge ever since  people started calling you the poop Czar!
JLC: Listen, Activia yogurt is one of the reasons why I still look awesome in a dress. OKAY?
SW: Calm down, babe. Get your sh*t together! HeeHee
JLC: Look are we doing this or not? Are we going to be ironic or what?
SW: You’re on!

The night of the premiere

SW: I thought we were supposed to wear the exact same dress, Jamie.
JLC: Yep.
SW: Then why is yours hemmed shorter than mine?
JLC: *cough*
SW: And why are you showing more side-boob than me?
JLC: *cough*
SW: And is that a FAKE TAN?
JLC: *cough*
SW: You b*tch!
JLC: Looks like I really AM the sh*t!

Director Cameron Crowe Splits With His Musician Wife

by (@missmuttoo)

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This may be something everyone says every year, but it feels like 2010 has really been the year of the divorce. Couples that have been together forever are splitting up left right and center! Matt Lauer and Annette Roque. They had been married 11 years. Shania Twain and Robert “Mutt” Lange, who clocked out at 14 years. Susan Sarandon and Tim Robbins, who weren’t married technically, but hey, 23 years together counts for something!

The latest duo to join these ranks are director Cameron Crowe and his musician wife Nancy Wilson. Not very many details are out yet, and all we know is that Heart-rocker Nancy filed for the split stating ” irreconcilable differences.” Which could mean just about anything.

These two have serious history together, having married in 1986. She’d collaborated musically with him on our favorite Crowe film, Almost Famous, as well as his others movies Jerry Maguire, Elizabethtown and Vanilla Sky (which also had some awesome music). It’s kinda sad that they’re going through their swan song now. [Photo: Getty Images]

Stephen Colbert’s Full Congressional Testimony Is Awesome Dot Gov

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Stephen Colbert testified before a house subcommittee about his experience working one day as a migrant farmer, remaining in-character the entire time and even managing to crack up the panel with his conclusion.

Needless to say, this is the funniest congressional testimony since Oliver North. That joke mostly makes sense, right? Lemme Wikipedia real quick while you watch this:

(via Mediaite)

Jersey Shore Top Ten Catchphrase Countdown: Welcome To Lick-A-Lick

by (@unclegrambo)

Ugh, this episode! Where to start with our beefs? First, how about the fact that the entire episode took place within a 24-hour span of time? Be more choosy with your scene selection, Salsano! And to save the (probably not that) dramatic fight between The Situation and Angelina until next week after using THAT VERY CLIP to promote this week’s episode? We can only assume that they were running low on usable footage. Also, there’s the little outstanding issue that nothing of any consequence happened during this episode whatsoever. Blergh!

Despite all this, our fair guidos managed to deliver a few lines worth repeating. So, if you will, take a journey with us as we walk you through this week’s Jersey Shore Top Ten Catchphrase Countdown!

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A Full Length Jurassic Park Musical Is In Existence

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I have not fully formed an opinion about this because I have not watched the whole thing, nor do I really plan on watching the whole thing.  But here is what I probably think about it:

I respect the ambition and follow-through-edness of the people who made this.  I also like that this all happened in a back yard in Lincoln, Nebraska.  For some reason, that makes it more charming to me.  That being said… this doesn’t really seem like my kind of thing.  For one, it is a musical.  Musicals are not my thing.  And for two, it is a one hour and 45 minute long web video.  I max out on web patience at about the four minute mark.

Nonetheless, I feel like this is a monumental enough undertaking to earn a place on every pop culture blog type thing, and I feel obligated to do my part to help.  This apparently first appeared on Reddit, and then on Urlesque and now here.  Good luck.

Part 1:

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10 KILLER Dexter “Murder Pun” Ads (Kill)

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Season 5 of Dexter premieres this coming Sunday, and while I can’t say that I’m an avid follower of the show, I am an avid follower of the show’s past five years of nonstop ads with “murder” puns in them. Some are clever and some are painful, but I admire Dexter for sticking to essentially the same “murder puns” ad campaign for five years with New York Post-like resolve.

Here’s a collection of 10 Dexter Murder Pun Ads over the years, in order of least to most painful. Does he kill people or something? (#1′s definitely my favorite):

10.

9.

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Pauly D Spins Off Onto His Own Show

by (@missmuttoo)

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The motto amongst the Jersey Shore crew seems to be ‘survival of the fittest’. The Situation takes this a little too seriously with his business plan that mainly comprises muscle boosters and protein vodka. And while you’d think he was leading the pack, he’s off shaking his moneymaker on Dancing with The Stars. So the rest of the cast are crawling out of the woodwork quicker than you can say “50% off at Tanning Salon” to try and take his place.

We’re surprised to say this, but it looks like Pauly D might just have overtaken everyone else. That’s “DJ” Pauly D, who now has his own spin-off reality show and a source explains, “They have already chosen a name and of course it will be deejay-related.”

Thanks, source. The “of course” is duly noted.

If you’re like us and thinking WTF, here’s another explanation, “It’s another MTV reality show and he’ll be DJ-ing and of course doing things his fans love to watch.”

And what would that be? GTL? Activities that involve hair gel? Rubbing up against every woman within a five mile radius of him? Or all of the above? And we’re so incredibly thankful that we get to watch him on not one, but two shows now. Hallelujah. [Photo: Getty Images]