Disney Releases New Poster For Secretariat-Biscuit

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Disney released a new poster for their upcoming film Secretariat, the “Impossible True Story” of a ragtag racehorse that overcomes all odds to become a winner. This film does not look nor sound familiar in any way:

Waaaaiiittt a minuttttee… this movie sounds like a TOTAL rip-off of that movie from a few years ago, The Aristocats. You’re not getting my $50 a second time, guys who made The Aristocats then mugged me for $40 when I left the theater. Oh man, painful childhood memories! I’ll bet that’s why to this day I can’t go near really wealthy cats.

Some Days, The News Just Hates Us

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The top story on Us Weekly today:

Ouch. I know we’re talking entertainment news here, but there’s seriously not something more worthwhile happening? Like news about ousted Bachelor Pad contestant Krisily? Wait, they nailed that. Carry on.

Full Metal Disney Is Disney’s Darkest Venture Since Up

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It was only a matter of time before the internet produced a version of the Full Metal Jacket intro scene redubbed with Disney voices, just as a million monkeys typing on a million typewriters for eternity will invariably produce Hamlet remixed with Christian Bale screaming at Claudius to the beat of “F**k You”. (Language NSFW):

Long, but still a solid sequel to the Pulp Fiction one. I imagine the Scarface one will be completed as I’m typing this sentence.

(via Gorillamask)

New Funny Web Series: Tiny Apartment

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Here is a new comedy web series from Jessie Cantrell, Mike O’Gorman and Patrick Driscoll. If you were fans of the erstwhile Black20 comedy site, you are most assuredly familiar with their hilarious ways. Anyways, this is the first episode of their new show, Tiny Apartment. It’s about a tiny apartment. Oh, and FYI, there will be blood in this one:

Mariah Carey Kinda Confirms Pregnancy, Nick Cannon Finally Gets To Blab About It

by (@missmuttoo)

Mariah Carey is pregnant. Kinda. Sorta.  Look we all know, so basically she needs to flat-out confirm the obvious! She wrote on her website last week, “I appreciate everyone’s well wishes. But I am very superstitious. When the time is right, everyone will know–even Cindi Berger [her publicist].”

That’s totally like saying “I’m preggers”, right?  Everyone could see it when Mariah performed in Brazil a couple of days ago. Spotted: one baby bump!

This is all been like giving hubby Nick Cannon the green light to rhapsodize to the press. “I think ‘superstitious’ might be the wrong word,”  he mused. “I think it’s more of a spiritual thing. Like trying to stay true and stay private for as long as you possibly can.  She wants to keep as much privacy as she possibly can.”  Pregnant Pregnant Pregnant!

So basically you guys are saying: we’re pregnant but we’re being mysterious, and yet we still want you to keep asking us about the baby we’re not discussing? Just come out and say it already! We get the need for privacy … but we also wanna congratulate you, M.C!

The Tiger (Woods) Is Back On The Prowl

by (@missmuttoo)

He’s not wasting any time is he? Now that Tiger Woods and Elin Nordegren are divorced, it’s time to get on with business for him. You know…to start pursuing all his other interests. Play the field while playing some golf, so to speak.

Ergo, Tiger has splurged on a new bachelor pad in downtown Manhattan. And he’s already moved in, as of last weekend. It seems he’s making himself quite at home too, because apparently, witnesses have already spotted him “introducing himself as the new neighbor.” Yes Tiger, like you need an introduction. Wonder who he was introducing himself to? And was she a blond, brunette or redhead?

Did you hear that? That’s the sound of Rachel Uchitel rushing to New York.

Taylor Lautner Challenged To The Strangest Push-Up Contest Ever

by (@missmuttoo)

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Look at this man-child. Wait, he’s 18 now and fully L.E.G.A.L baybee! So yes, look at this man. Consider the bulging biceps straining from under his shirt, look at that six-pack just waiting to be whipped out, marvel at the graceful curve of each glute…

What were we talking about again?

Right… does this man, this veritable vault of virility, this yummy yang to our yin, this mountain of muscled masculinity… look like he can be messed with? Hells to the N.O. (And today is alliteration day!)

We had reported how Taylor Lautner was suing McMahon’s RV for not delivering Tay’s customized mobile home on time (after it was paid for). Now, we don’t know where our wolfie found this McMahon dude but clearly there are some screws missing from his construction box.

The owner of the errant company, Brett MchMahon has challenged Taylor to a push-up contest. This is what he came up with instead of being hauled to court. Apparently, Taylor is seeking $40,000 from them for messing up the trailer deal, and we’re guessing they’ve blown up all the cash they got for the job ’cause that’s when this “solution” came up. Whoever wins, gets 40 g’s. And McMahon says if he does(dream on), the money will be donated to the Children’s Hospital of Orange County.  And if Taylor doesn’t accept, then to the courts it is! Which is what normal people do.

A 47-year-old man has challenged an 18-year-old to a push up contest. And not just any 18-year-old. The 18-year-old. The alpha male of the pack. Brett McMahon, we understand you want the publicity. We understand this is one big stunt to get your name out there. But you need to know this is a very, very bad idea. And Taylor is smarter than you. And prettier. Now go get yourself a donut and prepare yourself for court. See ya!

[Photo: Getty Images]

Slash’s Marriage… Slashed

by (@missmuttoo)

Slash‘s marriage is over. He got married to Perla Ferrar in 2001, and now almost nine years later, they’re done. It’s even sadder when kids are involved, right? The couple have two young sons, London and Cash,  aged 6 and 8, and Slash is asking for joint custody on both legal and physical counts. This is the ex Guns’N’ Roses rockstar’s second marriage down the drain, his first being with actress Renee Suran (they divorced in 1997).

Unfortunately, sources say that this split is a very nasty one and they’re not going to go the civilized route with each other at all. That’s just totally messed up, dudes. Is anyone else here of the opinion that even though two people can’t stand each other anymore, they should take it easy for the sake of children?

New SNL Cast Members Announced; Will Any Current Stars Get The Boot?

by (@hallekiefer)

With only a month left before the new season starts, three new Saturday Night Live cast members are confirmed to join the show in the fall. Squee! New late night friends! News of Will Forte’s departure from SNL last week also brought with it rumors of the multiple new hires, gossip which is now proving to be true.

The new faces include Chicago improv and sketch comedians Paul Brittain and Vanessa Bayer, as well actor Taran Killam, a former MADtv cast member and most well known as the reoccurring character “Blauman” on How I Met Your Mother. We’re pumped to see what the new performers will bring to the table in September, although it would have been nice to have someone to replace Fred Armisen as Barack Obama. Anyone, really, would have been nice to replace Fred Armisen as Barack Obama, is what we’re trying to say.

Even more intriguing then the addition of three new performers is the accompanying suggestion that producer Lorne Michaels might be giving some current SNL cast members the ol’ heave-ho. As of today, Weekend Update anchor Seth Meyers, Andy Samberg, Jason Sudeikis and Kenan Thompson have yet to indicate if they were re-hired, which could mean a big shake-up is in store, as well as a hysterical tear-filled farewell to any future Samberg-Timberlake comedic gems. We hope the noobs are only an expansion, not a replacement, for the current cast. Because we will be damned if we’ll give up “What’s Up With That?” without a fight.

“Mantrap” Is A Solid Name For A Beauty Salon

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A friend of mine sent me this pic of Mantrap Nails & Hair, a real salon in L.A. and not a subtle Simpsons background joke:

Pardon my East Coast self for being easily impressed by well-named salons, but I am easily impressed by the name of this salon. Can someone in L.A. tell me if they have awesome jingles with a Pointer Sisters imitator singing “How do you trap your man? MAN-TRAP!” And if not, can someone put me in touch with a good West Coast commercial lyricist agent?