The Real Housewives of D.C. has already been on America’s radars since November of 2009, when one of the housewives, Michaele Sahali, breached White House security along with her husband and went from Bravo reality stars to headline news. Now, the show is upon us. Let’s meet the cast:
Stacie Scott Turner: A lovely African-American real estate agent with a hot husband and adorable children. Stacie is what we would call the “normal” one of the group.
Lynda Erkiletian: The local MILF. Lynda is a divorced mother of grown children, whose boyfriend is an 8 foot tall suit model named Ebong who is definitely giving her her groove back.
Catherine Ommanney: Catherine Ommanney’s last name is hilarious because she has an extremely deep voice. She is British, married to the most connected man on the show, and may or may not hate black people. Time will tell.
Mary Schmidt Amons: A pigface whose Grandfather was the legendary Arthur Godfrey. If you are from Miami as I am, you’ve most definitely driven down his road. Despite Mary’s links to anti-Semitism as my Mother will describe below, we are going to give her a shot at being one of the “good wives.”
Michaele Salahi: All around nightmare and possible anorexic/drug addict.
Because yesterday was the premiere, much of the episode was spent introducing us to the above ladies. Thankfully, it was not fully without its dramas. But rather than rehash what we’ve already hashed, let us turn to Real Housewives expert and real housewife herself, my mother Judy Collins, to get her take on the episode as it unfolded, as well as some bonus opinions about Jersey Shore:
Following The First Commercial Break…
I have to keep my eyes open, that’s how bored I am. Let me tell you something, you know this Michaele Salahi? There was a big altercation with Whoopi on The View… I don’t know why Whoopi attacked her. (Ed. Note: Her opinion will eventually change as this recap progresses…)
I love Staci. Harvard business educated, she’s a bright woman. The kids are absolutely adorable. And this English woman (drops her voice to male testicular levels) talks very very low. And if I’m saying it, then you know it’s low. (Ed. Note: My genetically deep voice concurs.) Her kids are cute too. You know why that girl only 5 out of 20 questions right on her spelling test? The English spell differently. They spell “color” c-o-l-o-U-r. And if you’re not used to it, you get nixed. That’s why she got 5 right on the spelling test. And her boyfriend is a good looking white house photographer…
Mary Schmidt Amons, Granddaughter of Arthur Godfrey, Miami’s Most Famous Jew Hater