Katherine Heigl Confirms She’s Done With Grey’s Anatomy

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Katherine Heigl

Izzie? Who’s Izzie? Katherine Heigl confirms that she shan’t be returning to the set of Grey’s Anatomy—which she’s been noticeably absent from of late. “I’m done. We just finalized our agreement. Everyone had been working really hard to find an amicable and gracious way of letting go and moving on. It’s sad but it’s what I wanted.” And sorry, fans…that “amicable and gracious way of letting go” will not involve her returning to tie up any loose ends, making her final appearance in January truly her final appearance. “I know I’m disappointing the fans. I just had to make a choice. I hope I made the right one.”

Though Heigl claims motherhood—and not her rising movie stardom—is what caused her new outlook (“I started a family and it changed everything for me”), we can’t imagine frienemy co-stars like Ellen Pompeo and the writers she dissed by pulling her name from Emmy consideration in 2008 will be sad to see her go. And now she won’t have to deal with those 17-hour-work days…unless her movie stardom goes the way of Shelley Long‘s.

[Photo: Getty Images]

More Rumors In Jesse James’ Scandal, Another Mistress Named

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Melissa Smith & Jesse James

Man, when Hollywood sham marriages fall these days, they fall hard. Another enterprising young woman has stepped forward to claim she enjoyed a sexual relationship with Jesse James of aptly-titled Jesse James Is A Dead Man fame during his allegedly ongoing marriage to Oscar winner Sandra Bullock. A stripper by the name of Melissa Smith tells Star Magazine she was first contacted by James on Myspace in September 2006. “After a few exchanges, he introduced himself as Jesse James and gave me his e-mail address with the name Vanilla Gorilla.” She soon visited him in California, kicking off two years of booty calls. Bet Michelle “Bombshell” McGee feels so cheap right now, thinking “Vanilla Gorilla” was her pet name! Poor Nazi-obsessed fetish model.

Between this latest skank skeleton from James’ closet, ex-wife Janine Lindemulder calling him “a chronic cheater,” the 2007 sex harassment settlement TMZ has uncovered (“I have some special fluid that you can drink and it makes it all better ….” damn, that Vanilla Gorilla is smooth!) and gossip that he seeked out sex through internet ads for “hot, tattooed biker chicks with big boobs,” it’s hard to imagine how the Monster Garage macho man could have kept his scuzzy side from Bullock for all these years. Just how much of a “sham marriage” was this thing?

[Photos: Star/Splash News Online]

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British Celebrity Time: Cheryl Cole

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Sarah here again. I’m such a baby that I don’t even have my own little byline. Because babies don’t have bylines. Hopefully I’ll have one soon, but until then just assume that the good posts by the byline “Best Week Ever” are by me and the mediocre to terrible ones are by some hacker. From the 90′s.

So another thing you should know about me is that I love British celebrities. Like, the kinds that we sort of know about over here or not at all-they’re only famous in En-ga-land. You guys have been super nice so far so I hope this doesn’t turn you. But if the majority of you like Clue, then I can only assume you like Tim Curry, ergo, you’ll like what’s about to happen, British celebrity-wise.

Which brings me to Cheryl Cole. She’s a pop star who got her start in the girl band Girls Aloud and recently launched a solo career. She’s also a judge on Britain’s X-Factor, which features Simon Cowell, who is not a British celebrity who I’m interested in because he’s famous over here. See how this weird pretentious thing I’m doing works? Many of you might already know who Cheryl Cole is and be all like, *yawn*. Sorry.

Anyhoops, long post short, her footballer (soccer-er) husband Ashley Cole just cheated on her, Jesse James style, with a ton of lesser ladies, and she’s having a rough time of it. But, Sandra Bullock style, the public is massively behind her. But guys! We’re all really worried about her because she’s lost a ton of weight! Is she OK??? I’ll keep you posted. Or not. Because I can totally see how you’d hate this.

This is actually not the first time Ashley has cheated. Cheryl wrote a song about how they have to fight for their love. It’s called, “Fight For This Love.”

And fair enough, because this is what Ashley looks like.

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LOST SEASON 6 RECAP: “Ab Aeterno”

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This is a Recap of Lost Season 6 Episode 9 entitled “Ab Aeterno”, originally airing March 24, 2010. It’s full of spoilers, so don’t read on if you don’t know that the island is hell. I’m not joking this time, they actually said that! But it’s also not really! Huh?? That’s why we have these Recaps.

CANARY DIE-LANDS, THE CRYPT KEEPER MIGHT SAY

Two weeks after “Dr. Linus”, maybe the best episode of Season 6 so far, Lost punched us in the crotch with a Spanish Richard Alpert backstory, and all the sudden, the title of “Best Episode Of The Season” has been passed right along yet again. Where did this episode come from? Or should I say, WHEN did this episode come from? No, never mind, the first one. Let’s delve into the Spanish zaniness and find out!

The episode opens with the islanders convening to re-explain the candidates thing and reminding themselves what’s going on before Richard blows up and confesses that he was trying to kill himself, and unambiguously explains that he has no plan, everyone is dead, and the island is hell. Whew! Been waiting to hear that for six years! It’s all solved now. OR IS IT??? DAMMIT! I was hoping I wouldn’t type “Or is it?” after saying that it is all solved. No, it’s not at all solved now, because they’re not dead and it’s not hell, or at least, not hell in the textbook “hell” sense (from the hell textbook). Explanation? Let’s go to the tape, by which I mean the long-awaited Richard Alpert backstory.

Richard, formerly known as “Ricardo”, and more formerly known as “James Ford”, is tending to his ailing wife in a late 19th century period piece about the Canary Islands. He rides through the rain to meet the local doctor / aristocrat / assh*le, who explains that he’s not gonna make a trip all the way out to some stupid dying woman and miss the Canary Islands Idol results show, so he offers up some medicine that’s so expensive, Richard’s measly pouch of coins and sentimental-ass cross pendant merely insult the doctor.

An exasperated Richard decides, “If I push you a little maybe it’ll solve this!” and pushes the doctor, who falls, hits his head, and dies instantly — He can save the lives of others, but the only life he can’t save…IS HIS OWN. The Doctor. May 2010. — and Ricardo snags the meds and rushes home, only to find that his wife has already died. Whatta day! Suddenly, he doesn’t feel as bad about leaving the cap off his mostly-full guyliner tube the day before.

Richard is arrested and throws himself at the mercy of a priest, who explains he’ll need a whole lifetime of servitude to atone for his deeds, and Richard’s like, “You got it, anything for God,” and the father’s like “Psych! We’re hanging you in three minutes!” Richard catches a break when an English-speaking ship captain recruits him for an expedition to crash into the island statue, and the expedition wildly succeeds, leaving the vessel — guess which vessel! The Black Rock! — wrecked on the island with the slaves trapped below.

Then what happens? Read on below to find out! Though if you don’t already know and you’re still reading this, you must just be a huge fan of looking at words!

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Ke$ha Disses Justin, Justin Disses Mariah

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bieber

We love a good celebrity feud. Lord knows it’s the only reason we check Courtney Love‘s Twitter feed. But today it’s Justin Bieber who’s at the center of not one but two feuds (nowhere near the level of Courtney Love and say, Lily Allen, but still entertaining nonetheless).

First, it seems that poor Justin was the target of one of Ke$ha‘s more random bouts of verbal diarrhea when she told Maxim magazine that she thought of Biebs as “a tiny little baby” and she’d love to “to push him around onstage in a carriage.” Ohhhkay. Ke$ha felt bad about that one though and apologized on Twitter (but of course), writing “dear justin b i am so sorry if my bad joke has hurt your feelings, u r obviously so talented and i would never mean to offend u. i think u r rad.” Classic. We weep for the legacy that 2010 is leaving behind. OMG u guys.

Ke$ha and Justin are, in our minds, on the same level – relatively new to the scene, so if they trade barbs it’s no big thing. But Bieber had an “Oh, no he didn’t” moment this week when he decided to aim some criticism at Mariah Carey, something that, um, no one should do. Bieber, discussing Carey, reportedly told The Sun, “I don’t love her new music, it’s not the same. It’s like Michael Jordan coming back out to play in the NBA. She is past her best.”

The quote has been taken down off The Sun‘s website, though it’s unclear if it’s because it was drawing so much attention or if it was actually fabricated. We hope for Bieber’s sake it was fabricated because we fear the wrath of Mimi. [Photos: Getty Images]

Simon Monjack Denies That He And Brittany Murphy’s Mom Are Dating

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Simon Monjack And Sharon Murphy Portrait Session

It’s sad that this is even an issue, but Brittany Murphy‘s widowed husband Simon Monjack has had to fend off rumors recently that he is now involve romantically with Brittany’s mother Sharon Murphy. Unfortunately, Monjack’s wording and general skeeviness don’t really create a convincing argument that makes us take his denial seriously. Monjack told The Sun that though the two live together, they aren’t involved, saying “We don’t have sex, number one. Number two, she is a woman that has toxic neuropathy, which means she can barely walk. I live downstairs, she lives upstairs.” Also making things confusing (for us, anyway) is the fact that both plan to move to New York this year.

Another thing that makes this issue even weirder is the portrait session the two sat for in January (during which the photo above was taken). The two pose together in intentionally sad poses and appear extremely familiar with each other. Is this just the best mother-in-law relationship ever, or did these two actually, creepily, come together in grief? And if so, how long until it becomes a Lifetime movie? [Photos: Getty Images]

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Pauly D fights cancer with…a tanning bed

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Pauly D from The Jersey Shore is auctioning off his tanning bed to raise money for St. Jude’s Children’s Hospital. This is completely admirable, I mean, of course we should all raise money for kids with cancer. It’s just that the irony of donating a machine that actively causes cancer to help fund cancer research is a bit overwhelming. Listen. I realize that if you take the “T” out of the mighty GTLtriumvirate you lose the essential balance between Work and Leisure. Without Tanning, it’s just Gym and Laundry. And then what are you? Some pale-faced loser with a rocking bod and clean clothes? No thank you. So maybe I should just shut the eff up. For the kids.

See? Lindsay Lohan Is Just Fine

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lilo-crash

We’ll admit it: we laughed when we saw these pictures of Lindsay Lohan wiping out in front of a friend’s house today at 5:30 AM. Yes, we’re a-holes, but we dare you to try and tell us they don’t make you chuckle? It’s funny when anyone falls (like we said, we’re a-holes), but when it’s someone who keeps insisting that everything in her life is just fine and dandy, well, we can’t help but smile. Let this be a metaphor for your life, Linds: You’ve fallen, and you can’t get up.

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[Photo: Splash News Online]