CINEMA’S GOLDEN AGE: Epic Failure

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epicterrible.jpg1. Watching this movie is the Hollywood version of looking at a scrapbook of the worst, most embarassing moments of your life, and both feature some guy who isn’t Borat going “Niiiiice” – $19.2 million

2. Never heard of this movie until I watched the trailer just now. Jeremy Piven coked out of his mind in a hotel suite in Vegas? Is this a documentary? – $14.3 million

3. It just occurred to me that this movie is pretty much a big budg rip-off of Mannequin (which is an excellent piece of cinema) – $9.5 million

4. Fishing can be a metaphor for dating. There, you’ve seen the whole movie$8 million

5. You know what? I think I WILL go stomp my yard. Right now – $7.8 million

Yet More Proof That Dick Cheney is a Cyborg

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You’ve heard it before, but David Letterman offers up some proof: Dick Cheney seriously might not be human. That, or Nancy Pelosi just had her eyes done. Judge for yourself in the following segment, “Dick Cheney vs. Nancy Pelosi: The Blink-Off.”

While You Were Sagging With the Guild

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  • George Clooney rigidly defends his title of World’s Classiest Most Awesome Guy by denying reports that he’s been fooling about with the likes of Pammy Anderson.
  • Clay Aiken was cruising the Internets for anonymous mansex again, and Perez Hilton was there to catch him.
  • Jessica Biel flew to Sundance to hang out with Justin Timberlake over the weekend, thereby making every man, woman and Cameron Diaz in the country totally insane with jealousy.
  • Indy Car legend Al Unser Jr. was busted for DUI and leaving the scene of an accident this past weekend. After this little pit stop, Unser refueled on vodka and got right back into the race.
  • Lindsay Lohan has resumed filming on her latest movie while she’s still in rehab. Remember, step 3 in the famous people recovery program is STAY FAMOUS.

Best of the Best Week Ever: Top Zarf

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  • We are continually – hoplessly – obsessed with all things Zarf.
  • The Top Chef finale ends in shock and disappointment, nearly causing Michelle and myself to come to blows. However, after learning that one of the judges is a pot-head, the outcome is more understandable.
  • Another President Bush State of the Union classic – this time Dubya arm-wrassled Nancy Pelosi and admitted his deep love of the Baby Einstein pretty music & color videos. Also, we got hear him say “Dikembe Mutombo“.
  • The Oscar Nominations leave us feeling sad, overjoyed, angered, confused, anxious and utterly uninterested.
  • That little b*tch Dakota Fanning has got nothing on our girl Abby Breslin.
  • We found the most amazing Flea Market Commercial in the history of all mankind.

I LIKE TO WATCH: Bandidas, Her Minor Thing, Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning

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Do you plan on staying in tonight because it’s absolutely f**king freezing outside? Can’t decide what to watch? Our very own Brian Faas is here to help. Salma Hayek wrestling with Penelope Cruz, Estella Warren trying to lose her virginity, a creepy dude with a chainsaw torturing people; you can see all that and more in the latest installment of I Like To Watch.

To subscribe to our podcast feed, click here. And to get it on your iPod, click here.

It’s An Illusion, Barbara. A Trick Is Something A Whore Does For Money.

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Jeremy Piven is a very good actor. A very good actor. His work on Entourage– brilliant. The man can act. But Jeremy Piven the magician? Jesus, he’s bad. The Pivs decided to debut his magic skills on The View today to promote his new flick Smokin’ Aces. And while the trick illusion went well, it’s hard not to notice Jeremy blatantly tipping Barbara off and hiding the ace of spades in his other hand. See for yourself by watching the video below (one might say that it’s the Zapruder film of Piven’s magic.)

We secretly think he only did the trick to cop a cheap feel. Well played, Piven. Well played.