…OF THE DAY

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  • DISS AND MAKE UP: Lindsay Lohan and Hilary Duff have finally decided to bury the whatever their retarded hatchet was, probably in a bathroom stall at Hyde over a few rails of rasberry-flavored blow. (People)
  • STEP TO SOBRIETY: Jesse Metcalfe has already made it to Step Six in the Spears/Lohan Image Rehabilitation/Attention-Getting Program, which is “check out of rehab to spend the day shopping”. (E! Online)
  • PILLOW TALK: There’s going to be a new TV show featuring scantily clad women engaging in pillow fights. I’m probably going to watch it. (TV Squad)
  • SLEAZEBAG COUTURE: This fashion designer guy Anand Alexander was really, really, really, really shady. (Yahoo! News)
  • SAD NEWS: Bob Clark, the genius who directed seminal holiday classic The Christmas Story, was tragically killed in a car crash today. We’ll leave our leg lamp burning in the window in memoriam. (TMZ)

Apparently Abusing Children Is Only Funny in America

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If there’s one thing we all have in common, as Americans, it’s that we love watching little kids getting the s**t beat out of them on film. From Adam Sandler pegging children in the head during a game of dodgeball in Billy Madison to Peyton Manning chucking footballs & cursing out poor kids on SNL, we love it all. America agrees- cartoonish childish abuse is funny. But you know who doesn’t think it’s funny? Canadians.

Weirdos.

The folks at Deadspin have alerted us to a Toronto Blue Jays commercial that’s been banned in Canada because it features Designated Hitter Frank Thomas hitting a kid– hard– with a pillow. Yeah, that’s right– a pillow.This is really upsetting. If Frank Thomas– a man whose nickname is “The Big Hurt”– can’t hit a kid with a pillow and get a laugh, what does that say about Canada’s sense of humor? Are we really that different than our neighbo(u)rs from up North? Are we going to have to put “comedy” alongside hockey, poutine and Howie Mandel as things that just don’t translate when you cross the border? I hope not. We were doing so well following Mike Myers, Jim Carrey and Pam Anderson’s acceptance in the 90’s– it’d be sad to see all that hard work go to waste.

TRAILER MIX: Prepare for a Mid-Day Orgasm

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Seriously people, cross your legs tight as you witness the most kick ass, heart pounding, crush inducing (Timothy Olyphant, heyyy) trailer we have seen all year long. The trailer is for a little film entitled Die Hard 4: Die Harder, starring a buffer-than-ever Bruce Willis and still sorta dorked out Justin Long. Truly, the only times we are even pulled from the throttle of our own adreneline rush is every 15 seconds or so, stopping and saying “Holy sh*t, is that the MAC guy?”

But come on — THE CAR AND THE HELICOPTER? Oh God… give it 30 days before you see me buying a pregnancy test to make sure I don’t give birth to a tiny half-man/half-film creature in a few months time.

Click here for Yahoo’s HD version, or check out a grainier clip below. And note to the Die Hard Catch Phrase — You caught us. We love you, em-effer.

IN ODDER NEWS: Quiznos is mmm…Scary

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  • A 30-year-old woman was arrested for assaulting a 14-year-old girl after posing as a teenage boy for over a year. When asked why she did it, Hilary Swank just answered “I’m sorry.”
  • Roger Ebert, recovering from cancer surgery, says he is “feeling better every day.” He would’ve given his progress “two thumbs up,” but doctors insist he lay off the bad jokes until he’s all better.
  • So a coyote casually walks into a Quiznos… No, that’s not the beginning of a joke- that s**t is real and it’s insane.
  • Despite Mark Foley’s antics last year, the Congressional page program is more popular than ever. And, perhaps unsurprisingly, more fabulous than ever too.
  • CNN is set to replace American Morning hosts Soledad O’Brien and Miles O’Brien. Chloe O’Brien begins to worry about her job security.

UNEMPLOYMENT CHECK: Show Me The Butt

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The producers of Family Feud know that if you ask 100 people to name something that droops, you’re going to get some dirty answers. And, ideally, you’ll get a host yelling “Show me the butt!” Now, if only they could find a way to manipulate John O’Hurley into saying “What What, In The Butt” we’ll die in peace.

ICYMI: When Life Gives You Liz Lemons, Sweet!

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Great news, fans of things that are wonderful! Tina Fey’s amazing SNL spoof 30 Rock (which also features our beloved world champ Judah Friedlander) has been picked up for a second season by NBC, thus ensuring that another year’s worth of Thursday nights that will be enriched with laughter after The Office (“laughter after The Office” – BAM! – tagline). Following the lead of the lovely Hater, we’re going to celebrate by posting this clip of Tina Fey candidly discussing why Paris Hilton sucks on the Howard Stern Show.

Kelly From The Office Likes To Talk In Real Life, Too

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mindykaling1.jpgWe’re so close to new episodes of The Office we can hardly contain ourselves. The last month and half has been painful, and like desperate drug addicts who needed a fix, we’ve used whatever we could find on the internet to tide us over. Deleted scenes, mash-ups, MySpace blogs, games, interviews– it didn’t matter; we were desperate. Thankfully, we’re almost there. Whew. But if for some reason you don’t think you’ll be able to make it till tomorrow’s oversized episode, here’s one last fix; an interview with Mindy Kaling, a.k.a. Ryan’s girl Kelly. Check it out to learn more about the cutest female Indian character on TV (not named Sanjaya), Scranton, and what it’s like to work at The Office. We particularly liked her idea on how to keep Dunder Mifflin around even if some of our favorite characters moved on:

My dream is that when Steve leaves the show, we could have Amy Poehler come on as the boss. I think Amy’s flawless. I have this fantasy that we’ll get this female boss, and at the beginning, she’ll seem totally normal and what a relief, and then we’ll find out that there’s lots of different horrible, crazy kinds of bosses. Or Kathy Bates or something. How funny would that be?

Poehler or Bates? We’re in. Check out the full interview here.

CAPTION THIS! Berry Christmas

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Halle Berry shows exactly what she had to do in order to get her star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame.

This one is too good to pass up. Leave your captions/marriage proposals in the comments.

HEADLINES FROM HELL: “Tony Bennett Pulls Out Of ‘Idol'”

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BENNETT TONE.JPGI’d love to make some crass joke about how “Who wouldn’t pull out of Ryan Seacrest“, but hey, it’s Tony “Class All the Way, Baby” Bennett, the poor guy’s 80, and unless he’s Merv Griffin, Seacrest ain’t bitin’. Access Hollywood is reporting that Bennett is too “sick” to appear on the hit reality show tonight, choosing instead to recline on a suede fainting coach in a silk robe with a goblet of Theraflu in his hands, and counting his blessings:

The legendary crooner, who turned eighty a few months ago, is not well enough to put his golden pipes on the air.

According to a spokesperson for the star, he has a cold.

With just hours left until tonight’s live show, producers from “American Idol” are working hard to find a stand in. A source close to the show told Access Hollywood they are trying to get Canadian singer Michael Buble to fill in.

Hmm… while I live for Tony Bennett, I’d much rather have Michael Buble pull out of anything.

In the meantime, feel better Tone! And p.s., the world doesn’t blame you. For Tony Bennett to share a stage with Sanjaya is pure and complete sacrilege.

LISTEN UP: Cassadegaba System

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  • Bright Eyes leaks are springing up everywhere like Conor Oberst’s tears. Hurry over to Shameless Complacency to grab three new tracks!
  • Idolator has another leak from the new Arctic Monkeys!
  • Aquarium Drunkard says the new Kings of Leon record will preach to their choir of shaggy-haired, tight-jeans-wearing drunken hipsters.
  • The new CocoRosie albums seems to have sent Music Is Art into some kind of psychadelic ecstasy.
  • The Blue Walrus has a whole bunch of Hot Chip remixes by artists including M.I.A., Snow Patrol and Zero 7.