We all know that understanding the strange and unusual language of celebrities can be quite difficult, but translating the words of the publicists they pay to speak for them can be downright mind-boggling, especially when that flack is the Larry Bird of Lies, Elliot Mintz. The poor soul given the charge of trying to somehow convince us that Paris Hilton has redeeming human qualities, Mr. Mintz is a master of verbal trickery and misdirection, especially when his client gets herself arrested Gibson-stizz. Luckily, our trusty Celebrity Translator is up to the challenge of cracking “the Da Mintzi Code”.
What Mintz Said: “She’s absolutely fine”.
What Mintz Meant: “She’s Paris f*cking Hilton. Do you think a pansy-ass drinking-and-driving charge could possible faze a person who is primarily known for starring in Internet porn, drunkenly stumbling in and out of nightclubs on camera, and regularly exploiting herself in any and all other ways that might land her on the pages of another magazine? Hell, this is GOOD press.”
What Mintz Said: “She was driving home from a charity event.”
What Mintz Meant: “She was driving home from an event at which she could do the one thing it is she’s actually capable of doing: having her picture taken and drinking free booze while having her picture taken and drinking free booze.”
What Mintz Said: “She had one drink, a margarita”
What Mintz Meant: “She was pretty f*cked up.”
What Mintz Said: “She didn’t appear in the least bit to be intoxicated.”
What Mintz Meant: “Okay, REALLY f*cked up.”
John Travolta sees what it’s like to be the hag for once.
Got a better caption for this picture? Leave it in the comments!
1. Paris, for Carl Jr.’s “Burgers So Good You Just Want To Masturbate To Them” Campaign
2. Paris, for In-N-Out’s “I had one margarita (and) was starving because I had not eaten all day. Maybe I was speeding a little bit and I got pulled over. I was just really hungry and I wanted to have an In-N-Out Burger” Campaign
Can’t wait to see what she does with The Burger King!
The only thing we want to say about the following video is that we openly wept with laughter upon multiple viewings. Perhaps because we react the exact same way when delivering the weather with a roach on our pant.
(also, yes, it’s iFilm now, but only because the youtube one kept going down.)
Take a look at Scarlett Johanssen at The Black Dahlia premiere in LA last night. Any ideas as to what she’s hiding in there? We’re going with one gigantic, price-club sized emergency maxi pad. A lady should never leave the house without one.
Leave your guesses in the comments!
The following gossip item is so ridiculous… and yet, for some reason, we really hope it’s true. From Popbitch:
US newspapers claim to have a story that Chelsea Clinton has been getting, er, serviced by her two Secret Service minders. At the same time. The man and woman appointed to protect the ex-First Daughter are said to be in trouble for taking that to mean they should get this up close and personal with their charge. So far the threesome are keeping quiet but with US service personnel getting blown up on a daily basis, shouldn’t we just be happy that some of them are just getting blown?
First of all, we are dying to see what her bodyguards look like, but hours of Myspace trolling have produced zero results. But more importantly… ya’ll just know Chelsay Clintone is a freak! I mean, check out her ex-boyf — you guys, they’re practically twins. Kink-ay! And camman… she is Bill Clinton‘s daughter ya’ll. While she may have been handed the God-given beauty of sexpot mother Hillary, her sex drive is all Bill. We want to see Chels waving her freak flag come this Christmas, or else… she will have to continue doing so behind closed doors.
Our weekly addiction, Project Runway, delivered the couture goods last night. Our contestants are still in Paris, and kicked off the show with a relaxing Parisian meal hosted by fantasy father figure Timmy “the Tim-Tim” Gunn. (On a related note, please read this love letter addressed to Tim that I think speaks for all of us.) This week’s challenge was to design a haute couture gown — and while there have been a lot of dress-making challenges this season, we were still excited. Though we do wish they could’ve stepped the challenge up a little. Like making a dress out of nothing but discarded office furniture and sandfleas.
First of all, and we’re not embarassed to admit this, we loooooved Kayne‘s dress. While the judges served up a steaming plate of guff, we found the detailing and diagonal corset to be stunning. There is always the possibility that in person it looked like Liberace farted all over it, but we have to hand it to Kayne: The man knows how to iron a gold-mesh boost-ay. We liked Jeffrey‘s yellow-plaid ahn-somb, and were not blinded with Nicolas Rage over his win.
A celebrity with a MySpace account is nothing new. Everybody from Jenna Jameson to Jon Lovitz has one. So when MetaDish pointed out that Ashton Kutcher has a page, we didn’t think anything of it. Until we delved deeper.
A self-described “28 [year-old] with a step daughter in college”, it’s obvious that Ashton is trying to be just like the rest of us. He includes a picture of his favorite football player (Walter Payton), as well as pics of him with his bud, his dog, and his famous movie star wife. The Kutch is one of us! See for yourself. While you’re there, here are a few other things to look for:
- Ashton calls Kevin Costner “a stud”.
- Not even Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore are able to get good seats at a football game.
- He won’t refer to his page as “my space” because MySpace totally sold out.
- Ashton LOL’s like the rest of us!
- And suprisingly he only has a few hundred friends. Though he’d probably have more if not for The Butterfly Effect.
The new season of Survivor: Race Wars is facing some sponsor trouble. Apparently, companies aren’t super “jazzed” about the idea of pitting four tribes — each made up of a single race (white, black, asian and hispanic) — against one another. Companies such as Proctor & Gamble, Coca-Cola and Johnson & Johnson are acting like total p.c. a-holes, and have all pulled out of sponshorship deals with the television show.
But fret not, multi-billion dollar conglomo CBS. There is still money to be made. We’ve compiled a list of products that would all be perfectly suited to advertise on Survivor: Race Wars. Take a look: