X-MASHUP: A Very Zach Braff Christmas

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As much as we loathe all things Braffian, this Charlie Brown Christmas/Scrubs mash-up – featuring original writing and voice talent from cast members of the show – is pretty amusing and clever. It’s about 10 minutes long, but a definite don’t miss for fans of the show. Though we were mildly disappointed that it didn’t feature Linus standing in the rain and symbolically screaming into a canyon while listening to The Shins.

Tori Spelling Wants to Give You Herpes/Yeastie

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TORISPELLING1.JPGAs we reported Friday, Tori Spelling indeed held her garage sale on Friday under the guise of “changing decor in her house”, which is horseface for “rent money.” We pictures there being a handful of 90210 fans out scouring for Brian Austin Green‘s half-eaten Lean Pocket, but this sounds effing retartar:

Tori Spelling was swamped by fans on Friday, who swarmed her Studio City, California home to buy items from her estate sale. Hordes of fans stared queuing as early as 5:30 a.m. for a chance to look through the star’s personal items at her highly-publicized garage sale…

Items up for sale ranged from a used Sephora lip gloss for $1, her dog Mimi La Ru’s shampoo for $20, a used pair of Marc Jacobs designer round-toe shoes for $125 and a pair of white aged Grecian urns for $7,500.

OK, first of all… people camped out at 5:30 to buy Tori Spelling’s stuff? We only wish the “camping out” had been “execution style”, as the world could do without this maniac train.

Second of all, this B*TCH has the nerve to sell a USED tube of Sephora lip gloss (which retails at around $5, b-tee-dubs, and p.s., causes yeast infections) and f***ing DOG SHAMPOO?!?!?! I know timez-r-tuff Tor, but this sale goes from borderline “funny” to downright depressing. Do we need to start a “Save Tori” fund?

LOHANVOLUTION: “Those People” At Celebrity Gossip Art Blog Have Got To Be Stopped

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lohanvolutionSMALL.jpgLast week when we told you about the dawn of the Lohanvolution, and you signed your name to the Lohanifesto, we were not just making idle threats and promises. We were embarking upon a proactive commitment to destroying all those inadequite souls who dare to make false accusations in an attempt to put an end to the career of our dear moviestar queen Lindsay Lohan. The latest Enemies of the Movement are failed artists responsible for the Gallery of the Absurd bloggersite, who have taken it upon themselves to apply their lack of talent to creating a blasphemous work depicting our adequite young star in some sort of fake advertisement that attempts to imply that she would use strawberrry-flavored cocaine drugs. This is libelous, wrong and completely unfair. Please help us have this page ripped from the Interblogs by e-mailing your congressman, police chiefs, and Al Gore. See the offending work after the jump!
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CINEMA’S GOLDEN AGE: Apocalypto Ho Ho

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apocBO.jpg1. The Jews are definitely responsible for this movie not making any money – $14.2 million

2. This movie is basically like having a peppermint-flavored chocolate, egg nog & Lithium enema – $13.5 million

3. Could someone please make a movie where the Coca-Cola polar bears go rabid and f*cking maim these f*cking penguins already – $12.7 million

4. Nevermind, I’ve got it. For his next movie, James Bond is sent on a super secret spy mission in which he must penetrate the nefarious syndicate of arctic fowl who are intent on total world domination. His tux could be camouflage – $8.8 million

5. It’s hard to take Hollywood seriously when it comes to movies about the morality of jewelry, but we do respect their humanitarian efforts$8.5 million

ICYMI: Mel Gibson’s (Who Hates Jews) Apacalypto

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The edgy comedy writing geniuses over at SNL made this topical Mel Gibson’s Apocalypto trailer “re-cut” by simply placing funny Jew-hating subtitles over the actual preview (which is in Mayan). Even though I feel like I’ve already seen this on the Internet a hundred times (as recently as Friday’s startlingly similar version from Eat the Press), you’ve got to hand it to them for resisting the temptation to have the Mayans rapping.

While You Were Hiding Your Mistress’s Xmas Gift

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Best of the Best Week Ever: Not A Single Spears’ Vagina Reference! Oh… wait. No, sn– scratch that.

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  • We create a Britney SpearsVagina Hilarity Index, and then the girl goes ahead and ruins it for everyone.
  • Singing in front of large, sparkly, orbular objects makes Jessica Simpson nervous, as evidenced by her 9-to-5 flub in front of Dolly Parton.
  • The Lohanvolution is upon us people. Set your pubes on fire, raise your blackberries in the air, and be adequite!
  • The perfect gift for your ailing Grandmother this Christmas? The Screech Sex Tape, aka The Final Nail In the Coffin II: Is That Chocolate Pudding?
  • Zarf or Mary Cheney? Not as easy as it sounds.
  • The World of Advertising delivers two Christmas miracles! Bad acting and Celine Dion!
  • Easiest way to test for a-holes in the workplace? Announce a Grammy Award pool and see who puts their money into it… aaand they’re the a-holes.
  • And Vince Vaughn tosses Jennifer Aniston for (say it with us) a Stage 5 Clinger. (We have seen Wedding Crashers approx. 514 times on Cinemax over the past 3 months, and are really psyched when given a reason to quote it… so lock it up, for serious.)

Aw.. They Can Adopt a New Third-World Ringbearer

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Well, it’s finally here, the wedding you had previously all been waiting for until you decided you didn’t really care anymore: Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie! They plan to wed in Africa, in a small village outside of Johannesburg, and don’t think of the wedding so much as a traditional wedding but more of a spiritual affirmation. We think of it as Shiloh‘s Partial Debastardization. This will be the third marriage for Jolie, who spent her previous two marriages tattooing the names of her “eternal loves” Billy Bob Thornton and Johnny Lee Miller across her body. Brad, who’s pocking in at a whopping 43-years of age, only has so many years left on his “hottest man alive” moniker (approx. 35 more years left, to be exact), so we’re glad to see he’s finally settling down before the classic “he-used-to-be-so-hot’s” ring in.

And side note: Oprah is actually invited to this one! We’re sure she’ll give the happy couple a (screamed like Oprah) Reallllly Expensiiiive Preseeeent!!!!