UNEMPLOYMENT CHECK: Unhappy Meals

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For today’s journey into the annals of the daytime television that goes unwatched while you’re working, we return to the surrealist landscapes of the Maury Povich program, today’s show shamelessly exploiting bringing to light the growing problem of obesity among America’s youth. Stare deeply into this garish carnival of insanity as two loud women scream at one another about the frightening eating habits of the little girl seen stuffing her face backstage on the screen behind them, while Maury looks on like some sort of deranged modern-day PT Barnum.

Shameless Self Promotion

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There are 52 best weeks in a year, which makes for one hell of a Best Year Ever. Ladies and gentlemen, start your TiVo’s.

ICYMI: Jib Jab’s Apocalypto

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Our friends over at Jib Jab have just released another one of their funny “four hundred pop culture references packed into a single song” videos, this one reviewing the insanity that we called this past year. It’s sort of like BWE.tv put to music!

LISTEN UP: Who Will Save Your Soul?

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  • Indieblogheaven posted 3 Bob Dylan tracks today, but only one of them is performed by Bob Dylan. Download The Format’s cover of “Simple Twist of Fate” and just pretend that the James Blunt cover never happened.
  • Unarocks has a dozen Christmas tracks by bands like Pearl Jam, Coldplay, Death Cab and more.
  • Some might say that the only reason I’m mentioning that The Late Greats has 3 Jewel Christmas tracks is because I just want to post a picture of her. They’d be right.
  • Snakes Got A Blog has a handful of covers today, including tracks by Blind Melon, Islands, Voxtrot and Metric.
  • Finally, Said The Gramophone has a list of their Top 35 songs of the year, complete with mp3′s. Get cracking.

SAD NEWS BEARERS: Peter Boyle Passes Away

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BOYLE.JPGOK, everyone take your sarcasm hats off for a coupla minutes here, because we’re about get real. Maybe even too real for our own good. Peter Boyle, better known as Frank the dad on Everybody Loves Raymond and the Monster in Young Frankenstein, passed away last night at only 71 years of age, from heart disease. We were saddened when we heard the news, not only because Boyle was a fantastic comedic actor, but also because we realized that this evening, when we watched our nightly marathon of Everybody Loves Raymond, it just wouldn’t be the same.

Let’s go over that again: Tonight, when we watch Everybody Loves Raymond. Ladies and gentlemen, this is officially the first time we’ve ever admitted such a thing, on a blog or otherwise. Around friends, Everybody Loves Raymond is poo-poo’ed as the show our parents think is funny. Young people never talk about watching it. And sure enough, every now and again our mothers ring to say “turn on TBS… it’s a classic episode.” We would snort, roll our eyes, clamshell our phones, and immediately turn on TBS. Because, like it or not, IT IS A FUNNY SHOW. We don’t care that it’s about domestic disputes and dirty diapers and in-laws. WE LAUGH. And now, we feel free. Because it’s out.

So, you’ll excuse us while we pour a little out of our Metamucil glasses for Peter Boyle this afternoon. Cause we loved the guy. Thanks for listening.

SIZZLER: K-Fed Planning To Learn How To Write?

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KFedpeace.jpgI know we’ve given K-Fed a lot of sh*t over the past few years about being a worthless, good-for-nothing gold-digger with no real skills or abilities, existing solely as a parasite upon the naive sensibilities of an impressionable young Britney Spears. But according to this report by The Scoop, it would seem that Kevs is turning over a new wifebeater and finally applying himself to some much-needed scholastic enrichment:

K-Fed is prepared to write a steamy, scandal-filled book about his estranged wife that could include shocking details about wild drinking, alleged drug use, her sexual attraction towards other women — as well as her supposed belief in time-travel…

While we’re not surprised to learn that Kevin is planning to wring every last drop of exploitative cash out of his marriage to Britney, we are both shocked and proud to learn that he is finally going to get around to conquering literacy. Now that he will be able to communicate in means other than ill-conceived rap rhymes and fake gang signs, who knows what sort of profound insights Kevin will have to offer?

ICYMI: Barbara Is Bootylicious

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If you weren’t watching me on last night’s Best Night Ever (and you probably weren’t), you might have missed my uncontrollable arousal after hearing Barbara Walters ask Jay-Z the following question about Beyonce during her 10 Most Fascinating People of 2006 special. It’s short, but very, very sweet.

SIZZLER: Jonathan Schaech Scores Famous MILF

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LOCKLEAR.JPGRemember Jonathan Schaech? Let’s have a refresher course: He was the d**k in That Thing You Do!, then went on to marry Don’t Tell Mom the Babysitter’s Dead star Christina “You Don’t Have to Whisk the Couch, Kenny” Applegate. Then they divorced. Well, it looks like he’s recovered from his “falling off the face of the Earth” injuries with a new light romance to put him back in the dimlight: Heather Locklear! Nothing like the hottest MILF in Hollywood to make you relevant again, Shaech! Look how well it worked out for that dude from Sex and the City who now looks like an abandoned hiker who had a little too much bison meat.

Though, in Heather’s defense, this guy is approximately 2 million times hotter than ex-squeeze David Spade, and odds are at least as funny… so perhaps this is one of those rare tinseltown relationships that will actually make it past the one-night stand mark. Good luck, you krazy kids!

Catching Up With The Horny Manatee

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“For $159, NBC, the network that brought you ‘Meet the Press,’ Milton Berle and the nation’s first commercial television station became the proud owner of www.hornymanatee.com.”
- Conan O’Brien

It’s a small price to pay for greatness. Everybody’s favorite horny sea cow continues to make waves (get it?) weeks after debuting on Late Night with Conan O’Brien. The Horny Manatee website continues to evolve, with new pictures including the Manateen, a Mature Manatee, and (of course) a Shaved Manatee. There’s also a Fan Art section, where people can submit their own Horny Manatee pictures. Because who doesn’t have a Horny Manatee picture?

If you want to learn more about the Horny Manatee– and honestly, who doesn’t?– check out this piece in The New York Times. It’s more revealing than the Live WebCam. Well… almost more revealing.