Janice Dickinson & TMZ: It’s A Skank-Off!

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Radar brings us this personal video message professional classy person Janice Dickinson recorded for Harvey Levin, the managing edior of paparazzi clearinghouse TMZ. Like an even trashier version of the Donald vs. Rosie feud (who would’ve thought that’s even possible?), the video just oozes with scumbaginess and desperation. We’re not really sure what all this about – probably something to do with grainy footage of Janice’s old crotch or what have you, but here’s her rant, if you’re into that sort of thing.

LIVEBLOGGING: Kim K., (Probably Not Going To Be A) Superstar

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kimkardashianCDcover3.jpgYou know, it’s not everyday that we arrive at work to find a package of pornography waiting for us at our desk. The good people at Vivid Video provided us with a complementary copy of the Kim Kardashian & Ray J sex tape that nobody really seems to care about, but can now be viewed by all, presumably in the hopes that the tape’s tenuous connection to “celebrity” would be significant enough for us to write about. But being that she’s most famous for being pals with Paris Hilton and the daughter of the dude who helped OJ get away with murder, and that Ray J is known primarily for being Brandy’s brother and making this tape, it’s not really all that relevant. But we’re bored and it’s porn, so why not? We watched it so you don’t have to, and here’s what we discovered:

00:01 – We fade in on Kim K. & Ray J sitting on a bed, wearing bathrobes, in what appears to be a Motel 6. We immediately notice the superior production design, cinematography and mise-en-scene in comparison to Paris’ infamous “night-vision goggles capturing sexual awkwardness” tape. There’s a title montage with some awesome iMovie effects.

01:00 – Kim K is sittting on the floor in front of a mirror putting on some make-up, presumably in preparation for getting herself f*cked on camera. Ray J gets himself prepared/psyched by talking to the camera and fake-rapping.

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LISTEN UP: Kaiser So-So

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  • The new Kaiser Chiefs album went right to #1 in England. That’s probably not going to happen here. Head over to Shoes Are For Work to listen to a track and try to figure out why the Brits have better taste in music than we do.
  • The folks at Black Candy may speak gibberish (or French), but that shouldn’t stop you from going there and downloading tracks by The Gossip and The Little Ones
  • The Rawking Refuses To Stop is motoring on with their Elliott Smith covers. Today: Big Star & assorted country.
  • For a ton of b-sides by The Clash check out Dr. Mooney’s 115th Dream.
  • And finally, it may only be Thursday but it’s not too early to head over to The Music Slut and prepare for the weekend by listening to Art Brut’s “Good Weekend”.

ICYMI: The Mii Lebowski

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Much love to Defamer for finding us our new favorite thing. If you’ve ever played Wii Bowling, this is double-hilarious, but we think you Lebowski fans will enjoy it either way.

LOST MINDS: The 8-Story Swan Dive

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locktalahassee.JPGOkay, okay LOST writers – all is forgiven. After weeks of everyone (myself included) b*tching and moaning about how the show’s lost its edge, last night was a good old fashioned action-packed mindf*ck. We learned the truth about Locke’s paralyzation and subsequent miraculous recovery. We got Ben in all his creepy-but-clever evil genius mastermind glory. Sayid messing with Alex’s mind. Kate realizing there’s a new broad in Jack’s life. Jack playing piano like a junior high girl practicing her scales. And in the few wonderful moments before that patented “Pchew” sound of mass frustration at the show’s conclusion, the inexplicable revelation of The Man From Talahassee. Thoughs? Reactions? Discuss.

Cruise VS Hitler: Who Will Win?

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Here is some quick summer movie math for you: X-Men Director Bryan Singer + Tom Cruise + Hitler Hunting = The Most Kick Ass Movie Ever. According to MSNBC:

Tom Cruise is set to star in an untitled thriller based on an attempt to assassinate Adolf Hitler at the height of World War II.

Cruise had not intended to star in the project, which was acquired last week by his United Artists banner. However, during subsequent meetings, the project’s director, Bryan Singer, became intrigued by the notion of Cruise as a central figure in the story and offered him the role. Cruise signed on Tuesday.

We imagine each day of the shoot beginning like this:

Director: Okay Tom, today I want you to try something. Imagine Xenu had a little black moustache… Can you picture that for me?
Tom: Glibber, please.
Director: Xenu is Hitler. Hitler is Xenu.
Tom: Got it.
Director: Roll tape!

Tom might be crazy, but damn if he isn’t going to tear off Hitler’s remaining ball and gag him to death with it. Get your Star Wars lines started!

BACK IN ’07: Sitcom Outtakes

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Late last night, I was watching a “classic” episode of Martin on TV One, where Gina thought she might be pregnant and Martin punches an old lady to pay for an EPT at the drugstore, and on the way out tramples over her corpse. While the episode was pretty funny, it was only trumped by the credit roll, which featured outtakes from the show itself. OUTTAKES! WERE SO GOOD! Listen, I hated Home Improvement like the rest of the hoi polloi, but I’ll admit I was always transfixed by the credits — there was Tim Allen being Tim Allen. What a delight! Now, it seems, sitcoms save their best outtakes and deleted scenes for their DVD packages, boiling down hours of random “f*cks” and “can we take that again from the top?”‘s to a reel that’s usually not more than 12 minutes long.

Which is why I would like to ask, nay beg, sitcom directors and producers to BRING BACK OUTTAKES in 07! They were usually the best part of the show! Check out this short blooper reel from Full House, and realize the kind of hilarity you’re missing on a nearly daily basis. Believe it or not, the language is a lil NSFW.