What’s The Truthiness Behind Stephen Colbert Ice Cream?

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TRUTHINESS.JPGRumors have been swirling (mmm, chocolate fishes…) that lovable dairy churning hippies Ben & Jerry were working on a Stephen Colbert ice cream flavor. Colbert obsessed websites were speculating on names and flavors for months: There’s Strawberry Colberryness, and rumors of a “Patriotic mix of strawberry, blueberry and (American not French) vanilla flavors, striped in the pint with chocolate stars” (Mmm!). But it looks like this idea isn’t too good to be truthy, as the No Fact Zone got a photo of this prototype (seen left), rumored to be on shelves by April. Called “Stephen Colbert’s Americone Dream”, it’s a vanilla extravaganza with chunks of chocolate covered waffle cone (not that the man ever waffles, mind you) and a caramel swirl… and not even a hint of bear. Thanks the almighty above.

OREILLY2ICE.JPGIt’s a real shame that Ben & Jerry are too cool for what would promise to be another enticing flavor: Bill O’Reilly‘s “Falafel Zone in a Waffle Cone!”, a delicious mix of vanilla ice cream, chunks of falafel, peanut-butter dipped smugness and a swirl of ass. Most fans of Fox News are probably so blindsided by that O’Reilly grimace they won’t even realize that the stuff they’re cramming into their face holes actually tastes like human sh*t. It’s the perfect thing to refresh your racist, God-fearing Uncle on a hot summer day!

Chris Hansen Finally Catches Up to Clay Aiken!

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According to Perez, last week Clay Aiken announced a “Build-Your-Own-Scandal” contest encouraging people to “come up with the most outlandish story you can that places me (Clay) in a really juicy, tawdry, scandalous, shameful story. Then, use any photos, videos, audio clips of me (Clay) that you can find along with your favorite multimedia enhancing/”doctoring” program to create your evidence!” We couldn’t find this posted anywhere on ClayOnline.com, and we’re not even sure whether or not it’s true, but we still thought this would be funny:

CAPTION THIS! Let Me Clear My Throat

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Britney’s second divorce settlement offer wasn’t nearly as amicable as the first one.

For more info as to why Kevin had his throat slit (like it matters) click here. Then leave your Captions in the Comments!

FOR YOUR CONSIDERATION: Most Unfortunate Joy Behar Fun Fact

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This is for all of my friends who have asked me over the years, “Why don’t you date Joy Behar?” Here’s your answer. The one and only explanation as to why I’m currently not hooking up with Joy Behar from The View. The one and only.

I’ll never look at that damn shark the same way again. Damn you Jaws. Damn you.

The Power of the Church Has Miraculously Healed Pastor Ted Haggard of His Homosexuality!

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haggardnotgay.jpgYou might remember Reverend Ted Haggard as the fundamentalist Christian minister who was forced to resign from his position leading millions of people as president of the National Association of Evangelicals, and pastor of a the New Life Church, after admitting to both paying a male prostitute for sex, and using crystal meth. You’ll be glad to know that this sad story has a very happy ending, as it turns out that the good reverend isn’t gay after all:

“He is completely heterosexual,” Rev. Tim Ralph [one of four ministers who oversaw three weeks of intensive counseling for the disgraced minister] said. “That is something he discovered. It was the acting-out situations where things took place. It wasn’t a constant thing.”

So it would seem that this whole fiasco – in which a powerful man who regularly persecuted homosexuals was himself caught paying men for sex, in addition to doing extremely dangerous drugs – was, well, just a big misunderstanding. But what is this whole “acting-out” business Rev. Ralph mentions? Is that when the pastors all get together and simulate a big meth-fueled boy-orgy in an attempt to determine whether or not the power of Christ will sufficiently deter them from succumbing to their primal urges of engaging in hedonistic group manlove? Whatever it is, never underestimate the power of a little “intensive Christian counseling”. Can I get an “Amen”?

LISTEN UP: Today’s All Europe Edition!

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  • Idolator has the scoop on “The Next Big Thing”, a Swedish band known as Loney, Dear, with hopefully no relation to the CBS sitcom of a similar name.
  • The fastest way to sell us on a musician? “It might remind you a bit of SCISSOR SISTERS. BEE GEES. Maybe even GEORGE MICHAEL.” The singer is Mika, the blog is A Plague of Angels, and the mood is supes sexy.
  • OK, Yoko Ono isn’t really European but she is really strange. INDIEBLOGHEAVEN has a review and a track off her latest “skin-crawling” efforts, the album that is called, seriously, Yes, I’m a Witch.
  • And why are we linking to the French music blog LA BLOGOTHEQUE? Because they have a catchy ass song from Shout Out Out Out Out called “Chicken Soup for the F*ck You”, and you need to know that, so there.
  • To counter that, we offer up the American blog Blogs Are For Dogs, which has some tracks from the decidedly Frenchly named Le Man Avec Les Lunettes, which, coincidentally, means that I am likely to be attracted to each and every man in the band.

Human Giant Presents: Illusionators

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Paul Scheer, Rob Huebel and Aziz Ansari are more than just men– they’re a Human Giant. Their new MTV show premieres soon, but in the meantime you can check out some videos over at their site. Here’s our favorite: Illusionators. Click below to check it out!
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For more Scheer goodness, check out his blog.

SIZZLER: Donald Trump Has No Sense of Humor

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TRUMP DONNIE.JPGLook, it’s true: We are a little bit too angry over the lackluster year of Superbowl Ads (so sue us — we expect $2.3 million 30 second spots to help us remember how to feel), one of the few highlights was the Dave Letterman promo featuring the lovable gap-toothed late night host in quite the cozy position with former enemy Oprah Winfrey. It was cute, funny, unexpected… We though “Aww… they’d make a cute couple in Richer-Than-Sh*t-Ville.”

But little did we know that the original spot was intended to feature Dave in a loving embrace with two people we here at BWE absolutely adore kvetching over: Donald Trump and Rosie O’Donnell. It would have been the perfect end to the catty and immature fight that took place tween these two, adding a little levity to an otherwise childish and kinda gross situation (perpetuated by the Donald, of course). And guess what?

Donald Trump turned down the offer! Such a shame — What we would give to see Letterman as the cold cut in a Rosie/Trump sandwich. We’re a little surprised, considering this season of The Apprentice is tanking in the ratings, and the man would skin a baby for the publicity. That spot would have been the highlight of the night, and a lot bitch-slappier than that stolen Budweiser commercial. Instead, we were left with this:

AD WIZARDS: Stomp Never Gets Old, People!

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Advertising trends change year to year. Ideas, styles, shift and mold. This year’s Superbowl was a good example of that, the trend of course, being hard core violence/gay bashing. But one theme that never falls out of fashion is Stomp-style noisemaking, banging and clanking and breathing in such a way that – lo! – it sounds like music. Sure, it’s not the most original idea, but this latest Nike spot featuring Kobe Bryant, Roger Federer, and LeBron James, among many other famous athletes, still gets our heart racing. Now where was this during the big game on Sunday?

(via Hypebeast)

SIZZLER: Mariah Carey Makes Sinister Connection Between Box-Office Failure Glitter and Sept. 11th

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MC_Playboy_sm.jpgAs you have probably heard, Mariah Carey appears on the cover of this month’s issue of Playboy. While she doesn’t actually show off any of her ladybits (which we think is sort of a good thing), Mimi’s presence in the magazine is not completely without purpose, as her lengthy interview includes one very startling clue as to what REALLY might have happened on the morning of 9/11:

Glitter was such a bomb, but no one ever pointed out that it came out around September 11, 2001.”

Mariah Carey, in Playboy

Once your minds recover from being completely f*cking blown, you will undoubtedly be overwhelmed with all the questions presented by this crucial new piece of information that has been thus far ignored by the mainstream media. Sure, you can just shrug it off as a “conspiracy theory” or “wildy inappropriate career excuse-making”, but WHAT IF Glitter actually bombed a whole lot more than the box office on that fateful weekend? Could Mariah’s ill-conceived attempt at moviestardom really have brought down the twin towers? We demand answers at once – as her next film is coming out soon.