Hey Britney… Pick One!

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Post-Federline, we the American public have been forced to accept several different versions of Miss Britney Spears. In the few weeks since her split the woman has re-invented herself more times than Madonna. From the cleaned-up mother of two to the cootch-flashing party girl to the intellectual bookworm, Britney is keeping us on our toes. In fact, we have no idea what to expect next. Tomorrow the paparazzi could snap a pic of Britney dressed like a nun, fighting ninjas or even wearing blackface and we wouldn’t blink. Well… maybe we’d blink a little.

The point is, we’re tired of being f’d around with. Britney… please… pick one. Be classy, be a whore or be… well, whatever it is you are when you wear glasses and a stupid hat. Just be yourself, okay? We’ll love you no matter what (but especially if you choose “whore.”)

Fat Kids Doing Dorky Stuff Turns Out To Be Way More Popular Than Paris Giving A Bad BJ

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Our nerdy step sibling over at Web Junk has discovered a list of the top ten Internet “Viral Vidz” of all time, based on the number of times each clip has been viewed. Coming it an the top spot, with over 900 MILLION views, is the legendary “Star Wars Kid”, in which a portly young fellow wages a suprisingly skilled lightsaber battle against no one in particular (we’ve posted the clip below in honor of his Jedi-like achievement). At number two we have the infamous “Numa Numa Kid” clip, depicting an equally husky young lad (in fact, they could almost be brothers) executing a flawless choreographed dance routine to a Romanian techno song, all while sitting down in front of his computer. And the bronze medal, with 400 million views, is “One Night In Paris”, the hilarious tale of some spoiled whore who allowed a sleazy producer-type to film her sexual incompetence. Way to go, kids!

While You Were Secretly Enjoying Global Warming

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  • Britney Spears and Paris Hilton were inseparable over the Thanksgiving weekend, hitting the clubs together every night and shopping with Britney’s kids during the day. It’s all part of Britney’s plan to win custody of her kids… for Kevin.
  • Kid Rock was so enraged about his soon to be ex-wife Pamela Anderson’s involvement in the Borat movie he yelled, “You’re nothing but a whore! You’re a slut! How could you do that in a movie?” He didn’t know how to deal with his woman wearing clothes and not blowing any drummers on film.
  • The Reverend Jesse Jackson is calling for everybody to boycott the Seinfeld season 7 DVD as a way to punish Michael Richards. And as a way to protect people who have forgetten how bad the seventh season was.
  • Jennifer Love Hewitt has sparked rumors that she’s pregnant after posing for photographers in what appeared to be a maternity dress. It’s a logical assumption when you consider Love hasn’t been photographed in anything other than bikini’s and tube tops for the past 12 years.
  • Producer Jordan Kerner has bought the rights to put together a Smurfs movie trilogy. Fans of the show are already worried that it’s going to smurf big time.

Best Night Ever: Monday, November 27th

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It’s Best Night Ever for Monday, November 27th! Brian Faas is here to walk you through the best of Monday night tv, including The Bachelor: Rome, How I Met Your Mother, Studio 60, and Wifeswap!

…Of The Day

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  • COMPLETE BULLSH*T THING WE WISH WERE NOT: A Jessica Simpson sex tape. Riiiiight, and be sure to look out next week for the Jessica Alba/Biel/Simpson lesbian 3-way video. Besides, everyone knows Jessica’s dad only shoots stills. (Gullible Bloggers)
  • VAN DAMMIT: Jean Claude Van Damme will not be starring in Rush Hour 3, which means we will not be seeing Rush Hour 3. (Empire Online)
  • CASUAL ENCOUNTER: Some Fortune 500 CEO gets understandably blackmailed by a hot young thing he met on Craigslist. (The Smoking Gun)
  • HARD TIME: OJ Simpson isn’t nearly as good at golf as he is at murdering people. (TMZ)
  • PORN FOR PARIS HILTON: Here’s how cocaine is made. Keep hoovering it up, kiddies! (Cityrag)

Douche Driving

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daily douche-fabianb.jpgFabian Basabe – an NYC breath-waster you probably don’t remember from his “filmed account of staggering douchebaggery” reality show that came and went last year on late night cable – was arrested on Thanksgiving for drunk driving his way around the Upper West Side. As if endangering the lives of (relatively) innocent people by tooling around in his unnecessary Hummer completely sh*tfaced wasn’t douchey enough, Basabe is blaming the “bumbling” cops for targeting him because he’s famous. First of all, Fabs – you’re not famous. Just because you happen to be a repulsive enough specimen of humanity that the E! network mistakenly thought it might be funny to follow you around with cameras, does not mean that you’d be recognized by anyone outside of insomniacs, gay hairdressers and people whose TV is broken and permanently stuck on E!. Second of all, if you simply HAD to get wasted and drive around Manhattan, the least you could have done is pulled a Lizzie Grubman, headed on down to the Meatpacking District and crashed your land tank through the front doors of Marquee, Bungalow 8, or any of the other moron magnets full of people who should be put out of our misery. So despite all the fame and fortune you’ve deluded yourseld into thinking you possess, it’s time for you to sober up, Champ. And the first step is admitting that you’re today’s Daily Douche.

Jared Leto Not Too Punk & Edgy To Help Out a ‘MySpace Celebrity’ In Need of a Velvet Rope Savior

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jaredtequila.JPGOne of the greatest pleasures of this job is getting to observe TMZ’s footage of the little One Act plays performed nightly at the velvet rope outside of Hyde Nightclub, in which some J-lister tries lying and name-dropping their way into Hollywood’s hottest place full of idiots. In this edition, prior to a 30 Seconds to Mars after-party, Tila Tequila, despite having a bajillion MySpace friends, gets repeatedly “shot down” (pun!) by Bouncer McMoustache. After her best efforts to convince him that Jared Leto is “her boyfriend” (even whipping out her Sidekick of Truth to proudly display a “cum 2 hyde & do me” text message sent to her by the manscara-wearing rock wannabe only minutes beforehand) prove unsuccessful, Leto himself shows up moments later and valiantly offers Tila a spot on his goth coattails as he sashays into the totally dark and mysterious dance club to drink Red Bull & Blood cocktails. For a guy who hates bloggers so much, we’re glad to know that his malice doesn’t include those bloggers who blog about pouring vodka on their tits. Also, we’re surprised Jared didn’t have his 30STM after-party in the basement of the parents of one of the message board fans he cares so much about? But I’m sure the “Echelon” kids were on the list.

ICYMI: This Is What It’s Like When Worlds Collide

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Check this out: Homer does his best Ali G impression on The Simpsons. It’s cool and all, but now I’m hoping for a Bart/Borat mash up. Or Ned Flanders and Bruno. Well… as long as The Simpsons never goes off the air, I’m sure they’ll get to it eventually.

Unemployment Check: Erik Estrada Is Still Working In Television

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I know that CHiPs star Erik Estrada doesn’t really work at The Ellen Degeneres Show and that this was just a bit. But I’d like to pretend it’s real. I’d like to pretend that Ponch really is the floor producer for a daytime talk show and that he really is there day in and day out. So pretend with me. Let’s keep the dream alive.