IN ODDER NEWS: I Ain’t Saying He’s A Gold Digger

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  • While in New York, Kanye West ordered some food… from Wales. It’ll either cost $3,900, or it’ll be free if they can’t get it there in 30 minutes or less.
  • Viacom CEO Sumner Redstone wants to kiss and make up with Tom Cruise. Cruise is probably more excited about the kissing part.
  • The Gap’s (Red) campaign has made a disappointing $18 million so far. Man, they totally butche(red) that.
  • College basketball teams may be switching over to skin-tight tops. Tim Hardaway is already pretending like he’s not excited.
  • Santa Monica is putting their squirrels on birth control. So good news guys- f**k them all you want, you can’t get them pregnant anymore!

UNEMPLOYMENT CHECK: It Looks Like Brett Ratner Is Even Directing Soap Operas These Days

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Today’s All My Children had something about twelve times more ridiculous than Zarf flying a unicorn across Narnia while singing ABBA’s “Dancin’ Queen” after inhaling a hot air balloon’s worth of helium. This action-packed fight sequence has so many wonderful moments that it’s hard to pick a favorite: the taking 20 minutes to secretly remove a hidden knife, the Stage Combat 101 half-punches, or the climactic threat that made me laugh out loud while thinking of The Princess Bride’s famous line, “My name is Inigo Montoya. You kill my father. Prepare to die.” Enjoy!

GAMES: The Office’s “Finish The Quote”

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I’m a pretty big fan of The Office. I’ve seen every episode, I know every character on the show by name, and I often catch myself daydreaming about Pam at work. Sometimes Karen. Anyway, as a big fan I assumed I’d kick ass at this Finish The Quote game. I was way off. If you’re a fan, give it a go. But be warned: the quotes are a lot harder than “Thats what she _______.”

Does That Make You Crazy? Probably.

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We never post viral videos of people singing along to popular music- generally it’s more annoying than it is funny, and even when it appears to be “embarrassing” a part of you can’t help but suspect that it’s fake. That being said, we enjoyed this video of a kid dancing around and singing “Crazy” by Gnarls Barkley too much to pass it by. Maybe it’s because of the big floppy stuffed animal he’s dancing with, or maybe it’s the crying at the end. Either way- the song title is incredibly appropriate.

LISTEN UP: What Light?

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  • We’re not done with Mike Jones yet. Idolator has another track from American Dream available today. Mike Jones!
  • New Wilco tracks are leaking like crazy. Planeta Pop has a new song called “What Light” that will make you even more anxious for Sky Blue Sky to come out. If that’s possible.
  • Open Your Eyes posted a great mix today featuring tracks by The Shins, Babyshambles, Voxtrot and more.
  • Side One: Track One wants you to start your week off on a good note by downloading Pelle Carlberg’s sugary sweet “I Love You, You Imbecile”.
  • MusikAutomat has the new Ted Leo + Pharmacists track we posted here a couple weeks back, as well as a bunch of essential Ted Leo tunes. Download them all now.

Mr. Jones & Me Tell Each Other Fairy Tales

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mikejones.JPGMike Jones– don’t act like you don’t know his name– is back. His new album, American Dream, doesn’t “drop” until May 8th, but the man who took self-promotion to the next level by repeating his name ad nauseam and giving out his cell phone number in every song is doing his best to keep us entertained until then.

Head on over to Who Mike Jones?? (seriously, that’s the name of the site- I love this guy!) right now to check out the new video for his first single “Mr. Jones”. I’m going to go out on a limb and say it’s the second-best “Mr. Jones” EVER. Then you have to watch the trailer for his upcoming straight to DVD film (Yes!). Think Get Rich or Die Trying meets… meets an autistic kid screaming “Mike Jones!” for 2 hours. Something tells me people are going to be talking about American Dream next winter during awards season.

We’ll let you know how to thank him for returning once he tells us his new phone number ((281) 330-8004 has been disconnected). Mike Jones!

SIZZLER: Britney Spears Is Still In Rehab, Might Also Be The Anti-Christ

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baldbrit666.jpgThere are a lot of words you could choose to describe this particular period in the life of Britney Spears: “troubled”, “confusing”, maybe even “insane”. But the “Unholy Dragon Beast From the Hellish Lake of Fire”? According to this report, that’s how Brit would describe herself these days:

…the singer scrawled the devil’s digits, 666, over her bald head and screamed “I’m the Antichrist” in rehab last weekend.

One pal told the News Of The World, “The clinic people just didn’t know what to do. Then she started screaming, ‘I’m a fake! I’m a fake!’”

The friend added, “Later that night she tried to kill herself. She attached a sheet to a light and tied it around her neck. Paramedics were called but luckily she was unhurt.”

It’s good that she’s taking the first step and admitting that she has a problem, but declaring herself Satan’s False Profit and trying to end it all with her 900 thread-count sheets? Seems just a teensy bit melodramatic.

ICYMI: Ann Coulter- Still Completely Loveable

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There’s just something about Ann Coulter that makes you want to cuddle up beside her in a big feather bed on a chilly Sunday morning and give her soft butterfly kisses on that perfectly pointed nose, isn’t there? I don’t know what it is. There’s just this warmth about her. This beautiful aura. The way she smiles… the way she calls Democratic presidential hopefuls “Faggots”… you just can’t help but look at her and think, “This must be the type of woman James Blunt sings about.” Just watch this video and try not to fall in love. She’s beautiful. She’s beautiful. She’s beautiful, it’s true…

CINEMA’S GOLDEN AGE: Travolta Mounts Up

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wildhogsposter.jpg1. This weekend Hollywood posed the question to America, “Would you enjoy seeing John Travolta and some other aging has-beens in a road comedy about riding around on Harleys?” And America responded with a resounding “F*ck yes!” Let’s go ahead and start preparing ourselves for Wild Hogs 2: – $38 million

2. Yet a universally-praised movie with a cast of talented stars from one of our country’s most exciting directors made about a third of that – $13.1 million

3. Warning: inspired genius about to commence. So you’ve got Travolta and the Beer Gut Posse on hogs, and you’ve got Nic Cage the flaming ghost skeleton on a magic motorcyle; why not combine the two for a movie about fat old movie stars flaming out in a sh*tty, contrived movie – $11.5 million

4. I’m not sure what it is, but something about this movie reminds me of the Sisterhood of Traveling Pants$8.6 million

5. The amount of people who want to see Jim Carrey in a generic horror movie? Twenty-three. Coincidence? Who cares – $6.5 million