UNEMPLOYMENT CHECK: Watching Ellen Dance Is Sort Of Like Staring Into the Existential Void

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Every day when Ellen’s overcaffeinated talk show comes on our office TV, accompanied by that suicidal-though-inducing theme song about having a little fun today, my head turns on its own volition, completely against my will, to look on helplessly at the nightmarish spectacle of Ellen dancing her way through an audience full of touristy Midwestern soccer moms who are having the time of their life. Ellen does this “electric arm slide” thing that sometimes makes want to beat myself to death with my own stapler. Anyway, have a good weekend.

SNEAK PEAK: Mary-Kate Olsen, From The Times

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Tonight’s brand-new episode of Best Week Ever (Vh1 at 11pm ET!) promised to pack in lots of hilarity, but in the meantime, enjoy this dramatic interpretation of Mary-Kate Olsen’s debut as a columnist for The New York Times, as performed by panelist Melissa Rauch.

IN ODDER NEWS: Grand Theft Is Not Hot

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  • Like that “hottie” you met in a nightclub who turned out to look like a cross between Charles Grodin and a walrus, the infamous Bug-Eyed Bandits were way hotter on the grainy security cameras than in the sober light of their mugshots.
  • It seems that the few remaining faithful George W. Bush supporters in his decimated army of right-wing crazies have retreated to the only remaining place they feel they can safely express their completely retarded opinions – the videogame world of Second Life. When you’ve lost touch with reality, there’s always virtual reality!
  • A student is suing her high school for suspending her after she made the remark “That’s So Gay” during a class discussion. We empathize with her – I mean, sometimes “raven” just comes out as “gay”.
  • It looks like Astronaut Diapers is having her charges reduced from Attempted Psychotic Murder to Attempted Psychotic Kidnapping.
  • Tony Blair was jerk-off even as a younger lad.

BACK IN ’07: “Peaches”

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In our effort to make 2007 the best year ever, every week we’re going to declare that something is “back.” Last week, we brought back “Not The Mamma”, the second most famous catchphrase from the doomed 1991 sitcom Dinosaurs. This week, we’re going to make the bold declaration that the song “Peaches” is Back in ’07. It’s taken 12 years, but maybe it’s time to give The Presidents of The United States of America the respect they deserve. I mean, these guys were singing about fruit and fighting ninjas in 1995? Truly ahead of the curve. You can just feel it- America is ready for a PUSA comeback. That’s why we’re saying that “Peaches” is back in ’07.

What do you want to see Back in ’07? Serious responses only, please (this is a very, very serious matter.)

CAPTION THIS! It’s Lima Time

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Note: If you’re ever presented with the opportunity to paint Adriana Lima, please restrain yourself from making a metaphor regarding the “dipping” of your “paint brush.” It won’t be easy, but it’s probably for the best.

For more pictures of the gorgeous Miss Lima, click here. Then leave your captions in the comments, if you dare.

ICYMI: Hey Elisabeth! What’re You Gonna Do, Cry About It?

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The women on The View are fighting again… only this time it’s with each other. According to Page 6, Rosie made Elisabeth cry the other day after attacking her on air. Rosie has since apologized, but that’s not going to stop people from speculating what’s next for these two. Does Elisabeth want to quit the show? Will Rosie attack again? Can we organize some sort of steel cage match? Let’s hope so. In the meantime, check out the offending comment here and let us know if you think it’s that bad. I mean, would you cry over this?

C’mon, Elisabeth. You’re a Survivor. Toughen up, baby.

LISTEN UP: Rare Radiohead Better Than Robot Radiohead

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  • Stereogum has a track off of the upcoming Arctic Monkeys album Favourite Worst Nightmare, which is already adorable as it’s spelled with a “u”.
  • And yet another leak from the upcoming Stars remix album! At this rate, by next Friday you won’t even have to buy the bastard. Check out the synthesized goodness over at Lost In Your Inbox.
  • How can we not link to two rare Radiohead B-Sides? Art Decade generously shares this thrift store discovery with the masses.
  • Feeling hyper and spazzed-out? Sounds like you’re in the mood for Miracle Chosuke. Try your best to contain your excitement over at Idolator.
  • And why not end with some good ol’ comedy? Yesterday, we brought you Steve Martin singing… today, Steve doing some vintage stand-up. For all you kids out there who only know Mr. Martin from Cheaper by the Dozen, a listen will do you good over at An Aquarium Drunkard.

Make Nice With Chuck Nice, All Weekend Long at Comix

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chucknice.jpgIf you’ve ever watched Best Week Ever and thought, “Man, I love Chuck Nice- I’d love to see him in person someday instead of seeing him in 10-second intervals on TV,” well, today’s your lucky day. Chuck is headlining at the Comix comedy club in New York City all weekend long. So if you live in New York, if you leave near New York, or if you have a ton of expendable income and feel like throwing caution to the wind and taking a JetBlue flight to New York, you should definitely go check it out. What else are you going to do this weekend; see Wild Hogs? Come on now.

Get tickets here. I promise you, Chuck will make you laugh harder than John Travolta dancing on Ellen. And that’s saying something.

VIDEO HITS ONE: Scott Storch Gets All Raw & Street On His Diss Track Against Timbaland

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Honestly, with the exception of Vanilla Ice returning with a 2007 remix of “Ninja Rap”, we never thought there could be a white rapper any worse than Kevin Federline. But Scott Scorch, superproducer of hip-hop stars such as Paris Hilton, just skyrocketed himself into the hilariously retarded white rapping heavens with this music video of his “diss track” addressing his “beef” with Timbaland. The result is reminiscent of a learning disabled 12 year-old reading Rapper Mad Libs on YouTube while The Chronic plays in the background. While Kanye was able to successfully make the jump from the decks to the mic, something tells us that MC Homefries Storch here won’t be so lucky. (Language NSFW)