K-Fed’s Star Continues to Rise!

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012KFED.JPGIn the past few months since Britney Spears‘ divorce, we’ve seen the girl drink, throw-up, flash her vag, drink, flash, pat her baby’s head, spew chunks, and show us where babies are made. But possibly the most disturbing part of the whole affair was that hubby Kevin Federline was nowhere to be seen. And, as a result, quickly became a hero and fantastic father in the eyes of many Americans. And judging by this photo, he smells fantastic.

Well, folks, prepare to love the guy even more after Superbowl Sunday, when he debuts in a commercial as a fast-food worker. Fine, so the ad isn’t for McDonald’s, it’s for Nationwide, but still. According to USA Today:

Britney Spears’ estranged hubby Kevin Federline will be dreaming of a show-biz career — while actually working at a rundown fast-food joint.

“I felt that it was a good time to come out and make fun of myself,” says Federline, 28, from the ad shoot in Hollywood.

The video will be available on the Nationwide website January 29, a week before game day. Well, we have to give Britney Spears credit for something: While she may have a penchant for dating white men with cornrows, at least they tend to have a good sense of humor about themselves.

Paris Hilton: More Expensive Than The Other Working Girls

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parishilton.jpgIt seems like just yesterday all you needed to spend a night with Paris Hilton was a rich dad, some good drugs or a development deal at FOX. But thanks to inflation (both the economy’s and her ego’s), it’s gotten a whole lot more expensive. Like $1 million more expensive.

Hotel heiress Paris Hilton is ditching her night club parties for a glamorous appointment at the Vienna Opera Ball next month. The 25-year-old has been invited to the traditional event as the guest of Viennese socialite Richard Lugner, 74, and has reportedly been paid a staggering $1 million for the appearance.

It’s just like Pretty Woman… but with a much bigger whore.

If you can stomach it, read more about it here. If you can’t stomach it… join the club.

ICYMI: Dylan Is the Worst Songwriter of Our Time

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Of course you know that Bob Dylan is the songwriting genius behind rock classics spanning more than four decades. But did you know that he’s ALSO responsible for top 40 pop gems such as “My Humps”, “Baby Got Back”, and (shudders) “Bad Day”? My BWE co-hort Bob Castrone and his gang of hilarity hooligans in The Post Show make their Dylanesque debut on the new comedy site SuperDeluxe. Skeet skeet!

LISTEN UP: Clap Your Hands and THX 4 The Add

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  • Clap Your Hands Say Yeah is streaming their new album, Some Loud Thunder, on their Myspace page. Memorize the words and become the coolest kid in your Freshman Comp Lit class.
  • Is Welcome the New Deerhoof? Because if not, we would like to start a band called “Is Welcome the New Deerhoof.” Sounds catchy. Anyway, check out two tracks from this new Seattle band over at Idolator.
  • Techno fans, let me hear you robot scream! MSTRKRFT will be touring with John Digweed in March. You can check out MSTRKRFT’s remix of The Kills over at Hate Something Beautiful.
  • Think Ewan McGregor could pull off Kurt Cobain? Earvolution has the scoop, though we’d like to add that only Ewan could bring the solace needed to portray the man, the music, and the bleakest day of 8th grade history for us.
  • Sessions of Breakfast describes North Ireland band The Clone Quartet as “spiky but very tasty music with vocals to fit.” We’re not sure what it means, but Jesus, we’re starving.

The Michael Showalter Showalter

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mshowalterzj3.jpgIt’s not often that the name of a show or a movie wins your heart immediately. Besides Snakes On A Plane, The Littlest Groom and Homeboys From Outer Space, there haven’t been all too many appropriately titled shows over the past few years. And that’s why we’re excited for The Michael Showalter Showalter.

Watch the hilarious Michael Showalter interview the potentially even-more hilarious Zach Galifianakis here. It’s a shame all talk shows can’t be this good.

Link via The Apiary

EXCLUSIVE: Dane Cook Is My MySpace Pen Pal!

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When Dane Cook first became famous, the press couldn’t stop talking about this “hip and edgy” new comedian and his innovative strategy of using MySpace as a publicity tool to promote his career and albums. But it would now seem that Captain Cool is utilizing the popular networking site as a medium to humorlessly defend himself against those bloggers and/or media professionals who dare question his creative legitimacy. Having only written about the guy a handful of times, I was surprised to find the following message from The Official Dane Cook MySpace Page in my personal inbox Last Saturday morning:

why all the cynical bullsh*t?

Once I finally emerged from the existential void this query had plunged me into, I gathered my wits and responded sincerely:

i’m going to assume this is either dane or someone who works very close to him, so i have to wonder, why would you even begin to give a sh*t about the remarks i might make? aren’t you chin-deep in all that “jumping around on stage grabbing your balls to comedic effect” money? are your feelings seriously hurt by the fact I think you’re a joke-stealing jerk-off? do tell.

Not the most diplomatic response, but whatever, it was early, I hadn’t had any coffee, and I’m dealing with a comic whose “A-list” material includes an anecdote about flicking cashews into his mouth with his “hog”. Still, I was more than a little surprised when his 8-paragraph response showed up in my inbox later that very evening. Read the whole beautiful thing after the jump:

Read more…

RIP: Passions, 1999-2007

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It is with a heavy heart today for us to report that NBC has pulled the plug on Passions, the most psychotic, non-sensical, creepy but huggable soap opera of our time. The reason for the cancellation? They’re adding an extra hour to the Today show. Well, that is fantastic. Just what we need. An extra hour of the ghost of Meredith Viera forcing Matt Lauer‘s laughter. Hurrah! Hurrah. So what will the world be missing without its Passions? How about a six month old Brokeback Mountain parody? Passions, 1999-2007.

AD WIZARDS: The Orville Redenbacher Popcorn Zombie Scares the Everliving F*ck Out Of Us

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Kudos to the ad wizards responsible for turning a popcorn commercial into a sci-fi zombie freakfest by reanimating the dead corpse of grandfatherly popcorn popper Orville Redenbacher to post-humously pitch his microwavable snack (while inexplicably jamming on an iPod) in this commercial, which you might have caught during Tuesday night’s Golden Globes. His dead-eyes and lifeless expressions send chills down my spine and has severely affected my ability to sleep without waking up in terror of a flesh-eating bow-tied zombie monster standing over my bed with a bowl of buttery popcorn.

ICYMI: Anal Love

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Monday night I opted to watch Los Angeles get decimated by a nuclear bomb on 24 instead of watching Hollywood’s finest get decimated by Joan Rivers’ one-liners at the Golden Globes. I didn’t regret my decision until I saw this clip of Sacha Baron-Cohen thanking his co-star’s ass during his acceptance speech. He’s not the first person to thank a complete ass at an award show… but dammit, he’s the funniest.

And yes, I titled this post “anal love” solely to upset the perverts who will end up here via Google.

SIZZLER: Out Of Ideas For Improving Her Image, Has Britney Gotten Herself Pregnant Again?

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britpreggersagain.jpgAccording to The Scoop, sources close to Britney Spears are speculating that the beleaguered pop singer might be pregnant again. Already the abentee parent of two children with backup dancing failed rapper media clown Kevin Federline, Britney has spent the months following her highly publicized divorce flashing beav, passing out in nightclubs and cavorting around with various Federlinesque model/rapper/actor/whatever white dudes who look like they should be working at a Foot Locker. But what better way to repair her polluted reputation in the eye of the press than bringing another life into the world, perhaps one who’s not even sure which wifebeater-wearing Vanilla Ice wannabe is its father – and is likely braindamaged due to its mother’s constantly mainlining Smirnoff Ice mixed with Red Bull? Yes, I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again, the third neglected child is the charm, and our little princess is finally on the fast track back to the top! And that’s the way they all became the Britney Bunch…