SCANDALOUS! Santa Loses It!!!

by

Whats the deal with Santa? The former Christmas star unleashed a tirade of racial slurs toward a group of audience members who heckled the “jolly man” at a comedy club late last night. Warning: This video is profane and racial.

It’s a shame, really. The elves are calling for a boycott of Santa Clause 3: The Escape Clause. Such a shame.

SIZZLER: No No No No No No No!

by

paris vh1.jpgThe next time Paris Hilton bangs a sleazy dude in the bathroom of Hyde after downing a dozen Redbull & vodkas there’s a good chance she won’t just be doing it for pleasure– she’ll be doing it to procreate.

That’s right people… buckle up…. Paris Hilton wants to be a mother. A MIPF, if you will (MIPF= mother I’ve probably f**ked.) According to Hollywood Rag, Paris told Life & Style Weekly “It’s been my dream to have four babies by 30. I look after animals, so I’d have a lot to give my kids.”

That quote makes my brain hurt.

Let’s start with the four babies by 30 part. Paris knows that babies take 9 months to make, right? You can’t just buy one on Rodeo Drive, or borrow one from Britney and not return it. Actually… she probably could. Nevermind. Okay, four babies by 30 may not be so hard after all.

“I look after animals, so I’d have a lot to give my kids.” Now, I’m not sure if Paris saying “besides herpes, I’d also give my kids animals to play with” or “I know exactly how to take care of kids– make sure you take them outside to crap 3 times a day, and when you go leave them in the car to go shopping don’t forget to leave the window open a crack.” Either way, we have to stop her. I’m not sure how, but we need to come together as a society and make sure that the only thing coming out of Paris’ vagina are the D-list celebrities that are going in.

Forget about Iraq– we need a study group to get on this NOW.

TRAILER MIX: Bloody Mary

by

This trailer for Mary Poppins as a horror movie (one of the better entries we’ve seen in the growing pantheon of “changing the tone of a classic movie for comedic effect” clips) is actually more scary and compelling than most of the recent trailers for actual horror movies.

(via The Disney Blog)

UPDATE: Apparently BWE.tv scooped the entire Internet and first posted this all the way back in October. And apparently I don’t read our blog (in fact, even though this has now been posted twice, I still haven’t watched it).

What2Watch2Night: Hot Models, Hot Fatties & Hot Chefs

by

TYRA21.JPGThere is a lot of noteworthy television on tonight — so put the kids to bed at 6, throw back a fistful of martinis, and use this handy guide to make sure you catch every moment.

8:00 PM: America’s Next Top Model Finale, CW: Tyra Banks has narrowed down 12 cokey young hopefuls to the top 3 models, and tonight is decision time. Between CariDee, Melrose and Eugena, which young woman will spend the next week of her life working as an actual model and the rest of eternity as a old reality show star who never had a chance in hell of making it in Milan? We have been rooting for CariDee from the beginning, but have a sinking feeling that the mouthy, psycho-eyed Melrose will take the prize. Expect to find out the winner after a 17-minute long speech from Tyra where she talks about how modeling is like being the rocket scientist of facial expressions.

9:00 PM The Biggest Loser, NBC: What better chaser to a reality show about models than a reality show about frustrated obese people losing weight the old fashioned way (diet and exercice)? Tonight is their final week at the diet ranch, meaning they’re actually starting to look strangely hot. Cram your face with Mallomars as they cry on the elliptical machine, fire up that Mongolian barbecue as they cry on the treadmills, play “I’m a Candy Cane Walrus” as they cry on the Stairmaster. Then submit your application for next season.

TOPCHEF1.JPG10:00 PM Top Chef, Bravo: Initially, we greatly resented Top Chef for taking over our beloved Project Runway slot. But we finally gave in, when we realized that it’s actually one of the best shows on TV. Our three favorites, Elia, Sam, and Wolverine (Marcel) are still in the mix to win, if they don’t slit each other’s throats first. In tonight’s ep, the chefs must create a meal without the benefits of appliances… we assume Michael will dump a can of baked beans on a plate and stick a French toothpick flag in it, God bless him. Note to judges: We only have room for one Ugly Betty on our tv screens – kick the bitch off already.

11:00 PM – 3:00 AM: Seinfeld, Your Hearts.

Side Note: Even though the highly anticipated Christmas episode of The Office isn’t debuting until next Thursday, Yahoo TV has been kind enough to bless us with 3 clips from the show. We’ve been craving Christmas Goose ever since. (via OfficeTally)

GAMES: The Idiot Test

by

idiot test.JPG

Maybe it’s because the name of the game is “The Idiot Test,” but I’ve never been more nervous playing a stupid online puzzle game in my entire life. Nobody wants to look like an idiot– wait, let me rephrase that; nobody, other than people who appear on reality TV, wants to look like an idiot. So despite the fact that this game makes Deal or No Deal look like a Mensa entrance exam, the added stress of not wanting to be stupid makes it harder than it should be. Don’t believe me? See for yourself. And good luck. Stupid.

Link via Collegehumor

We Have Video! Nature Calls Jessica Simpson Mid-Song

by

When we initially reported about Jessica Simpson‘s breakdown while singing Dolly Parton‘s “9-to-5″ at the Kennedy Center Honors this weekend, there were two things that seemed fairly certain: 1. It sounded like an intensely embarrassing, startling (and definitely hilarious) experience, what with Simpson flubbing the lines and then quitting mid-song, blaming “nerves”; and 2. The performance would definitely never, ever see the light of day, especially considering that Simpson re-recorded the song at the end of the event for when it will air on CBS.

So it was actually our faces that turned red when none other than Inside Edition nabbed footage from the show… and, brace yourselves… it’s much less humiliating than we had prayed. Kind of looks like Jessica had eaten some New Jersey Taco Bell pre-song, or perhaps she remains one of the few celebrities with just enough body fat to maintain period cramps. Even her dash off the stage is kind of boring, and even a little… (gulp) cute. And we finally discover the one thing that Ashlee Simpson does better than Jessica: Making a complete ass out of herself on television. Sometimes, moments like these are best saved for the Youtube that is our perverted imaginations.
p.s. How sweet is Reese Witherspoon?

While You Were Looking For Black Market Trans Fat

by

brithilton.jpg

  • Even though she has the full support of pornographers, Britney Spears’ competence as a mother has once again fallen under scrutiny by LA Child Services, who want to make sure the pop singer’s two children are being properly taken care of. In a related story, Brit’s new pal Paris Hilton says she would like children of her own – very soon. Uh-oh.
  • On the bright side, after a year’s worth of meltdowns and poor decisions and vaginal exposures, Britney is back on top of the charts…of Yahoo’s most searched terms.
  • Donald Trump is still gracelessly defending himself against twenty year-old satirical claims that he has nubby fingers, insisting, “My fingers are long and beautiful, as, it has been well documented, are various other parts of my body.” The guy has a point – just look at his hair. Stunning.
  • With this week’s release of The Break-Up on DVD, Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn’s publicists would like to remind you that the couple is still broken up, as they have been for months now.
  • Scarlett Johansson says she’s ready to do a nude scene. Coincidentally, I am ready to watch Scarlett Johansson in a nude scene.

…OF THE DAY

by

JUDECOMBOVER.JPG

  • SIMPLE EXPLANATION: We knew there was something… different about Jude Law lately, but we just assumed it was his $2 combover. (YTMND)
  • HIS RAPPER NAME IS 2-SOON: Andy Dick sees if the “N”-word is funny again, finds out it isn’t. (Defamer)
  • ON-AGAIN, OFF-AGAIN RELATIONSHIP LITERALLY NOBODY CARES ABOUT/CAN FOLLOW: Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn to remake The Break-Up privately and in real life. (Page Six)
  • TONIGHT, AFTER WHILE JUDEN WERE OUT: We can’t wait to see Trading Barracks on TLC… Paige Davis looks completely at ease! (Yahoo News)
  • PAYBACK: If I had to listen to my mother read to me over the phone the entire article about that woman whose farts nearly brought down an airplane, then you have to read it too. (WBIR.com)
  • SWEET OR HILARIOUS?: President Bush breaks down and sobs while talking about Jeb. Fine, it’s the older one, but a must see. (CNN)

UNEMPLOYMENT CHECK: Injured? Bad Actor? Call Jacoby & Meyers

by

It took me a dozen viewings, but I think I finally figured out why this video is so funny. It’s not the lady who slips in the grocery store and it’s not the obviously fake construction worker dummy falling off a ladder. No. It’s the boy in the hospital bed in a cast. A cast that’s tied to a coat hanger that’s dangling from the ceiling. Yeah. That’s it. Call Jacoby & Meyers – they spare no expense.