While You Were Getting So Totally Dehydrated With Your Friends

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  • Jared Leto broke his douchenozzle during a recent 30 Seconds to Mars concert while trying to crowd surf. Instead of carrying him across the crowd, someone must’ve just punched him in the face.
  • Nicole Richie was hospitalized for “dehydration” again on Friday. She’s probably getting dehydrated to cope with her fears over going to prison following her recent arrest for driving while dehydrated.
  • M. Night Shyamalan apparently requires a great deal of privacy to craft his genius tales about magical water nymphs and people who see dead people.
  • Coldplay frontman Chris Martin might not be the Mr. Sensitivity we all thought – thought the rage boiling beneath the surface of “Fix You” should have clued us into that.
  • So Bill Clinton, Bono and Jay-Z walk into a bar together…no seriously, they did.

ICYMI: Family Guy’s “Prom Night Dumpster Baby”

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Can you think of anything more offensive than a newborn baby thrown in a dumpster emerging from the garbage to sing a song called “Prom Night Dumpster Baby” alongside a chorus of other recently discarded babies? I’ll let you think about that for a while. In the meantime, check out this clip from last night’s episode of Family Guy. It’s nice to know that there’s at least one show on TV that just doesn’t give a f**k.

Best Night Ever for Sunday, March 4th!

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It’s Best Night Ever for Sunday, March 4th! Michael Cyril Creighton is here to walk you through the best moments of Sunday night TV, including: Desperate Housewives, Rome, The Amazing Race: All Stars, the series premiere of The Winner, and the season premiere of our favorite not-hookers reality show The Girls Next Door!

Check Michael blogging away at Perpetually Nauseous!

Best of the Best Week Ever!

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For more Best Week Ever, watch it sober on VH1 tonight at 11, or check it out hungover all weekend long!

UNEMPLOYMENT CHECK: Watching Ellen Dance Is Sort Of Like Staring Into the Existential Void

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Every day when Ellen’s overcaffeinated talk show comes on our office TV, accompanied by that suicidal-though-inducing theme song about having a little fun today, my head turns on its own volition, completely against my will, to look on helplessly at the nightmarish spectacle of Ellen dancing her way through an audience full of touristy Midwestern soccer moms who are having the time of their life. Ellen does this “electric arm slide” thing that sometimes makes want to beat myself to death with my own stapler. Anyway, have a good weekend.

SNEAK PEAK: Mary-Kate Olsen, From The Times

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Tonight’s brand-new episode of Best Week Ever (Vh1 at 11pm ET!) promised to pack in lots of hilarity, but in the meantime, enjoy this dramatic interpretation of Mary-Kate Olsen’s debut as a columnist for The New York Times, as performed by panelist Melissa Rauch.

IN ODDER NEWS: Grand Theft Is Not Hot

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  • Like that “hottie” you met in a nightclub who turned out to look like a cross between Charles Grodin and a walrus, the infamous Bug-Eyed Bandits were way hotter on the grainy security cameras than in the sober light of their mugshots.
  • It seems that the few remaining faithful George W. Bush supporters in his decimated army of right-wing crazies have retreated to the only remaining place they feel they can safely express their completely retarded opinions – the videogame world of Second Life. When you’ve lost touch with reality, there’s always virtual reality!
  • A student is suing her high school for suspending her after she made the remark “That’s So Gay” during a class discussion. We empathize with her – I mean, sometimes “raven” just comes out as “gay”.
  • It looks like Astronaut Diapers is having her charges reduced from Attempted Psychotic Murder to Attempted Psychotic Kidnapping.
  • Tony Blair was jerk-off even as a younger lad.

BACK IN ’07: “Peaches”

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In our effort to make 2007 the best year ever, every week we’re going to declare that something is “back.” Last week, we brought back “Not The Mamma”, the second most famous catchphrase from the doomed 1991 sitcom Dinosaurs. This week, we’re going to make the bold declaration that the song “Peaches” is Back in ’07. It’s taken 12 years, but maybe it’s time to give The Presidents of The United States of America the respect they deserve. I mean, these guys were singing about fruit and fighting ninjas in 1995? Truly ahead of the curve. You can just feel it- America is ready for a PUSA comeback. That’s why we’re saying that “Peaches” is back in ’07.

What do you want to see Back in ’07? Serious responses only, please (this is a very, very serious matter.)

CAPTION THIS! It’s Lima Time

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Note: If you’re ever presented with the opportunity to paint Adriana Lima, please restrain yourself from making a metaphor regarding the “dipping” of your “paint brush.” It won’t be easy, but it’s probably for the best.

For more pictures of the gorgeous Miss Lima, click here. Then leave your captions in the comments, if you dare.