While You Were Saying, “I Do (Believe In An Intergalactic Alien Warlord Named Xexu)”

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  • If there’s one gift you need to get your kid this holiday season, it’s the Lindsay Lohan doll. Comes with a fur coat, velvet rope, and her own “SUV party limo” with a hot tub and a bar. Recommended for ages 6-12 (seriously). Years of therapy to undo the severe warping of your child’s values system not included.
  • It’s been a long road of couch-jumping, faux declarations of love, doing handstands on motorcycles, impregnation, child-birth, brokering of said child’s pictures, soccer practices and so on, and now, finally, Tom Cruise has married Katie Holmes. Do you believe him NOW? Here’s a picture. How about now? Me either.
  • Rod Stewart’s daughter Kimberly is insisting to the press that she does not have a serious liver disease from drinking too much, as her dad had previously reported, and that for future media attention reference, we should listen only to her publicist, and not her father, who has a big mouth, and god I need a drink right now.
  • Michael Richards, the actor who played TV’s beloved Kramer on Seinfeld, launched into a shocking and horrifying racial tirade during a recent stand-up comedy performance. I guess this is kind of like The Soup Nazi, except way more disturbing, way less soupy and, you know, for real.
  • And thus concludes another weekend, another celebrity wedding, and of course, another Paris Hilton nipple emancipation.

Best Of The Best Week Ever

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For that and so much more, make sure you tune into Best Week Ever tonight at 11 (and all weekend long.) In the words of Aerosmith, from that cheesy movie that’s about to become a reality, you don’t want to miss a thing.

ICYMI: Dr. Meth Is Ready To See You Now

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Please take 12 seconds out of your day to watch President Bush speaking at a memorial ceremony for Dr. Martin Luther King, and then imagine what the world would be like if it would’ve been Dr. Meth who “had a dream.”

(Link via Video Dog)

Katherine McPhee Song Writing Challenge!

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MCPHEE.JPGWhile most of America camps out for various gaming devices, we’ve been camping out for something else entirely: Katherine McPhee‘s new album, entitled TBD. While the songs and their titles have been kept under heavy lock and key, someone at a McPhee message board revealed the lyrics to three of her new songs, “Over It”, “Each Other” and “Open Toes.” The first two songs sound like they were churned out from a mongoloidy-song-o-matic (everyone knows Mongolians are horrible song-writers), but “Open Toes” in particular, an ode to her McPheet, deserves a special read through. Here’s a sampling:

The pedicure, white tip french/ Those legs don’t make no sense
I’m not rich but I bought a diamond anklet/ Keep it on, it goes with my outfit
Hey, let’s go/ If they’re not too high, too low
I’ll take them home/ In purple, red, or gold
Cause I know, them boys/ They like those open toes

“Open Toes” might seriously be one of the worst songs ever written… Notice we say might. Because we want to challenge you, America, to write a worse song than “Open Toes”. We don’t think it’s possible to write worse lyrics, but you can prove it possible. So choose an inanimate object, pluck some magnetic poetry pieces out of a velveteen sack, and leave your “We Dare You To Write A Worse Song!” entry in the comments section. If you need inspiration, the lyrics can be found after the jump. And it is a MUST READ.

Read more…

SNEAK PEEK: It’s Breuer Time!

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Since I work at VH1 I probably should’ve known that Jim Breuer was taking over Web Junk 20. Of course, I had no idea. But he is, and that’s great because Jim Breuer is hilarious. I was able to pull some strings (read: ask a dude in the next office over) and get a clip from tonight’s show. Enjoy.

BWE SPORTS: Which Athlete Is Having The Best Week Ever?

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mike tyson.jpgMike Tyson – The one-time rapist agrees to take a job as a male prostitute at Heidi Fleiss’ new brothel for women.

oj2.jpgO.J. Simpson – Reminds everybody that he did, in fact, murder his ex-wife ten years ago through a “hypothetical” book titled “If I Did It.”

emmitt smith.jpgEmmitt Smith – Wins Dances With The Stars, upsets every Dallas Cowboys fan who owns a Smith jersey because now they’ll be stopped at shopping malls by women who want to know if they voted for him too.

Tough call. Leave your answer in the Comments.

OJ’s Publisher Sanitizes Victims’ Blood From Hands With Little Bottle of Purell She Keeps In Her Purse

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Daily-Douche-jokerlady.jpgBy now you’ve all undoubtedly heard plenty about the big Orange Juice Simspson hypothetical confession coming up on FOX – but what you might not have heard about is the business behind turning this unnecessary and disrespectful bit of sensationalism into must-see-TV. First, one must ask themselves, why would OJ ostensibly come right out and admit to committing a brutal and unforgivable murder? The answer, obviously, is money. You see, a leisurely lifestyle that consists mostly of golfing and partying does not come cheap, and having already failed at the obligatory Celebrity Sex Tape method of shady cash-making, OJ and his team of morally upstanding business associates are turning to the old Salacioius Tell-All Auto-biography scheme. As reprehensible as this may be, why even bother directing your outrage at The Juice? He doesn’t give a sh*t – this is a guy who MURDERED two people. So who IS to blame for this blight upon human decency?

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CAPTION THIS! Showdown of the Gingers

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Gary did not go to Julliard for 6 years to have some carrot-topped, spoiled Dutchess of York, Fergie-ass bitch take away his only acting job prospect since whistling the P.C. Richards theme song last year.

We are really excited about this picture. Endless possibilties! Leave your captions in the comments!

JOB LISTING: Anna Wintour Seeks Masochist For Personal Assistance, Inflicting of Anguish Upon

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merylwintour2.jpgAs scary and evil as The Devil Wears Prada made Vogue editor Anna Wintour out to be, I have no doubt that there are still countless hordes of wide-eyed young fashion maven wannabes out there who would give their left Manolo Blahnik to sit in Wintour’s famed Personal Assistant Torture Chamber. If you count yourself as one of these tragically wayward individuals, you’ll be delighted to know that Gawker is reporting a rumored opening in the Office Chair of Nightmarish Misery. We wish you the best of luck in the application process, and may God have mercy upon your soul, because Anna (whose legendary brand of sadism Barbara Walters finds fascinating, incidentally) most certainly will not.