THE DAILY DOUCHE: The O’Douchey Factor

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Like a moth to the flame, attention-starved blowhard Bill O’Reilly bends over David Letterman’s knee for the second time to have his bottom publicly spanked on issues like President Bush’s incompetence, the ongoing threat of terrorism, and the war in Iraq – an issue on which he seems to be the very last individual outside of elected Republicans who is still willing to gingerly defend this costly and tragic disaster of a war. If we’d been doing The Daily Douche for as long as Bill has been saying retarded sh*t on television, this would be approximately the 47,279th time he was awarded the honor.

And Now: The Best Rap-Obesity-Horror Collabo Ever

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The following video is so incredibly awesomely hilariously scary, we won’t ruin it with too much talk. Here is the music video for “Ready For Freddy”, performed by The Fat Boys (i.e. “The Fat Boiiiiz!”, aka “No, Literally, They’re Morbidly Obese Boys”) for 1988′s A Nightmare On Elm Street 4: The Dream Master. If Freddy Krueger terrifies you, this video will be your Room 101… in that Freddy raps.

LISTEN UP: Music 2 Get Diabetes 2

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  • Harmony In My Ears lets you preview the theme music for every Grey’s Anatomy preview for the next year or so, posting 3 tracks off of the new Snow Patrol album.
  • The Music Slut whores out three great Brit Rock tracks, and includes a list of this year’s Q Magazine Award Winners.
  • Hide under your desk, cue up Billy Joel‘s Leningrad, and head over to Modern Music to download a track off the latest Cold War Kids album.
  • Show Me Music compiles a kick-ass Halloween Playlist, when you just want to spend Halloween eating candy and softly crying to yourself.
  • We really have fun writing the term “Justin Timberlake Leak”, but you’ll have more fun listening to it. Idolator‘s got the DFA Remix of My Love.

CAPTION THIS: Dawn of the Dumb

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Caption This! brought to you by Stranger Than Fiction, in theaters November 10th.

Even J-list pseudo-celebs get into the Halloween spirit, and this picture features the costume-wearing prowess of Travis Barker, Kimberly Stewart and Brandon Davis, who continues beating the dead horse of “firecrotch” jokes into a glue-like pulp.

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GAMES: American Dad VS. Family Guy Kung Fu

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familyguy.JPGSure Family Guy may beat the s**t out of American Dad in the laughs department, but who would win a head-to-head kung-fu fight? Peter or Stan? Stewie or Roger? Lois or Hayley? If these questions have been keeping you up at night, first seek help, then head over here to play the American Dad Vs. Family Guy Kung-Fu Flash game. The one liners that the characters spit out during the fights make it a must-play for fans.

Just be warned: if you’re playing as Chris, you’re probably not going to win. You’ll see.

SIZZLER: Reese and Ryan Have Witherspooned and Died!

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ReeseRyan.JPGWe’ve been through this before, people, but the wounds never stop hurting. TMZ.com is reporting that our favorite brother-n-sister Hollywood couple, Reese Witherspoon and Ryan Phillipe, are filing for divorce after 7 years of marriage. Go ahead. Find your rosary beads. Are you clutching them? Good. Because we are on the verge of losing all hope. Just 11 days ago, the couple was overheard fighting at the Flags of Our Fathers premiere. Since then, Reese has contacted famed divorce attorney Robert Kaufman, and released a statement asking to “please respect their privacy and the safety of their children at this time.” The couple has two children together and one Oscar.

We’ll definitely respect their privacy, though we do want to let Reese know: We are 100 percent on your side, honey! As handsome as he is, Phillipe has always have what experts refer to as a “bastard face”. It always seemed like Reese was the better parent of the two, frequently photographed with her kids, with Ryan nowhere to be seen. We’ve also heard rumors that he is a Major Cad, but seeing as we’re respecting their privacy, we won’t delve further. We will, however, give Reese full permission to get just as fat and bitchy as she wants for the next year or so without any judgment calls whatsoever. Though we’d love to see her hookup with Anthony Michael Hall, just to continue that Aryan bloodline we so envy.

HALLOWEENERS: Ten Scariest Movie Characters

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chucky.jpgIf you’ve been watching scary movies in anticipation of Halloween, but you don’t find some dude in a clown costume named after a power tool to be nearly as frightening as what Saw III’s filmmakers try to pass off as a plot, then you’ll enjoy this amusing piece in RADAR, entitled “Splatter Day Saints”, listing the top ten best horror villains of all time. Incidentally, the piece was written by our good friend (and one-time co-worker) Piper Weiss.

“You’re Not Lookin’ Half Bad” Award: To Whitney

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WHITNEYHOUSTON1.JPGWhitney Houston has spent the last few years under the tabloid’s magnifying glass. Whether it be about her drug abuse or her scarily thin frame or her marriage to Bobby Brown, the poor woman hasn’t had it together since The Bodyguard soundtrack (i.e. The Soundtrack To Our Lives.) We recall a Good Morning America appearance where a beat-up Houston could barely squeak out a note. But Saturday night, Whitney attended the Carousel of Hope Ball looking healthier and as beautiful as ever. In a dress we would be happily buried in for eternity. Perhaps her divorce from Bobby has rejuvenated the woman? Whatever it is, from US 2 U Whit: You’re Not Lookin’ Half Bad!

Though we’d like to point out the cringeworthiness of this quote from a USA Today article about the event:

Houston’s surprise appearance led American Idol’s Katharine McPhee to abandon plans to sing her signature Over the Rainbow in place of Houston’s I Have Nothing. “It’s her first big appearance since the breakup,” explained McPhee on the pink arrivals carpet. “I would love to sing with her, but unfortunately all eyes are on me.” Houston nodded her head during McPhee’s performance and led a standing ovation.

We just McPhomited on our McPhlip-Phlops.

ICYMI: Borat Makes SNL Funny

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Only five days remain, people. Five days until Borat hits theaters and this long, painful wait is over. Everybody’s favorite Kazakh citizen (read: the only “Kazakh” anybody knows) dropped by SNL this weekend to promote his movie and show America how to make the show funny again: hire Sacha Baron Cohen full time and let him do whatever he wants. Problem solved.