Best Night Ever: Tuesday, December 19th!

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It’s Best Night Ever for Tuesday, December 19th! Lang Fisher is here to walk you through the best of Tuesday night tv, including Identity, My Boys, Dirty Jobs, I Want a Dog for Christmas, Charlie Brown and the never ending wedding on Big Day!

…Of The Day

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  • CELEBRITY PSA: Listen, Christina Aguilera – if you’re going to get wasted and have yourself photographed stumbling around outside of clubs, you’re supposed to be wearing a short skirt and no panties. Got it? (Yeeeah!)
  • GIFT IDEA: Mel Gibson says his highly-publicized anti-Semitic meltdown was actually a “gift” to himself. Sounds a whole lot more fun than a dreidel. (US Weekly)
  • OTHER GIFT IDEA: In this painfully idiotic video, Britney Spears says she’s giving everyone a bottle of her new perfume, which smells like yeast and skin irritation. (YouTube)
  • HOLIDAY BEVERAGE: When Britney heard about “champagne & coke” in Hollywood party circles, she seems to have misunderstood the “coke” part. (MTV UK)
  • SERIOUSLY, IT’S OVER: Joey Fatone, who you probably don’t remember as “Creepy Old Guy in N’SYNC“, says he would like to join the cast of Dancing With the Stars. He might has the dancing part down, but the “star” thing? Not so much. (E! Online)

EXCLUSIVE: Miss USA Press Conference, Unedited!

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By now you’ve probably heard that Donald Trump, in all his eminence, has granted a reprieve to the young coke slut whose Miss USA crown was jeopardized by numerous reports of her partying, drug use and brazen sexual escapades. You might even have seen her tearful apology and subsequent press conference. But here at BWE.tv, we ask the HARD-HITTING questions, and are proud to bring you this special UNEDITED clip from my exclusive Q & A with Tara Conners, the troubled young lady who retained the right to represent America’s women.

The 10 Best 10 Best Lists of 2006, #9: The 10 Best Reasons To Hate Singing & Dancing In 2006

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10best21.JPGYesterday we counted down the 10 Best Celebrity Body Parts of 2006; today we’re going to take a step away from the superficial and base our list on something other than perky nipples and chiseled abs: talent. Or, in the case of the 10 Best Reasons To Hate Singing & Dancing in 2006, lack of talent. Let’s get started.

10. Tom Cruise gets down on BET
He was the world’s best pilot in Top Gun. The best bartender in Cocktail. The best samurai in The Last Samurai and the best secret agent in Mission Impossible. But all of that pales in comparison to his portrayal of the world’s best awkward white guy dancing on BET.

9. K-Fed Plays With Fire, destroys our eardrums
If someone releases a terrible album and nobody listens to it, was it ever released at all? The answer is yes, and believe it or not thousands of people actually went out and bought Kevin Federline’s debut one and only album. Presumably, half of these people purchased it as a joke, and the other half as a test of endurance.

8. Bob Dylan’s music gets the musical treatment
How does it feel to be on your own, with no direction home, like a complete unknown, like a rolling stone? We have no idea, but we’d imagine it feels better than having to watch this painful clip from The View over and over and over again. The Times They Are A-Changin rolled off Broadway faster than you could say “Blowin’ In The Wind.” Or just “That blew.”

Read more…

UNEMPLOYMENT CHECK: The Black Harvey Fierstein?

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Every time we hear this commercial (read: 4.800 times a day), we literally drop what it is we’re doing (working, Nintendo Wii-ing, sipping boiling hot tea) to slowly turn our chairs around and stare at the TV, sure that the grim reaper is coming for us Poltergeist-stizz. Then we realize it’s just a commercial for some product called Head On (we still don’t know what it’s for, p.s.), and that their “spokesman” is a robot from Planet Xorton. Enjoy!

CAPTION THIS! Hold The Coco

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I’m not sure why Ice-T’s wife Coco got breast implants on her ass… but I think it’s working.

Your turn. Leave your Captions in the Comments now! (and for more ridiculous Coco shots, click here)

LISTEN UP: Christmas In the Drunk Tank

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  • Aquarium Drunkard has appropriately posted one of my very favorite Christmas songs of all time (for reasons I shall not disclose), “Christmas In the Drunk Tank” by The Pogues.
  • *SIXEYES remembers the “reason for the season” (for Mel Gibson, at least) and posts Big Star’s classic “Jesus Christ”.
  • Recently fired Jew-hating publisher Judith Regan should head on over to Here Comes The Flood where she will be able to download Elvis Presley’s classic “Blue Christmas”.
  • You Ain’t No Picasso is getting into the Holiday Spirit with “12 Days of Mixmas”, posting mixes from several cool indie rockers, the latest being from one of my personal faves, Page France.
  • And finally, Stereogum has a link to Aimee Mann’s Christmas Special.

Tyra Banks Is Here to Bray!

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FATTYRA.JPGWe would just like to bring to the world’s attention that The Tyra Banks Show, the only place that consistently delivers the most partially aborted moments seen on daytime TV, has officially been renewed to 2009. Even though ratings are down, Tyra Banks scores big in the women between 18-34 category.

2009. At least 3 more years of second-rate giveaways, public pimple popping, and paaaaanty paaaaarties! 3 more years of racial stereotyping, of “My Momma Thinks”, and the classic “When I Was a Model”s. 3 more years of yo-yo dieting, America’s Next Top Model updates, and ass moisturizing. And you know what?

We couldn’t be more thrilled. Because it looks like as long as this girl is on TV, we’ll still have our jobs. So congratulations! We look forward to what’s in store. And by look forward we mean cringe hugely.