While You Were Concluding Your Best Week Ever

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  • An Italian priest has refused to wed Tom Cruise & Katie Holmes because Tom is twice-divorced. Oh, and because their relationship is a sham. But let’s go with that divorce thing, okay?
  • Kevin Federline has turned to cigarettes and alcohol to help him get over Britney Spears. Of course, since all Kevin did when they were together was smoke cigarettes and drink alcohol, it’s unclear as to whether this technically qualifies as a coping mechanism.
  • Val Kilmer confessed he’d rather get with Oprah Winfrey than Nicole Richie. In other news, hey! Oprah producers! Val Kilmer is totally available and would love to do the show sometime. Did you hear him say that he’d f**k her? Come on, give him a call.
  • Two frat boys who made racist and sexist comments in Borat are prepared to sue 20th Century Fox for making them look stupid on camera. This follows the lawsuit filed against their parents for making them look stupid in life.
  • Cameron Diaz wants a nose job because she can’t breathe. Coincidentally, that’s the same reason Justin wants to dump her.

…OF THE DAY

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  • COCK ROCK: Having bored with boning metalheads who play the guitar, Jenna Jameson has created her own. It turns up to “69″. (Idolator)
  • MYSPACE BULLETIN: Some crappy blues-rock band from Louisiana called Bones got their MySpace page hijacked by the even crappier Sci-Fi show from Fox with the same name. (Wired)
  • RHETORICAL QUESTION: Will Michael Jackson’s comeback performance be a ‘freak show’?” (The Scoop)
  • CAVE-DWELLER: Lindsay Lohan, for “not knowing anything” about Britney’s divorce. I guess she’s too busy planning her next strategic Paris Hilton name-calling move. (TMZ)
  • BACKSTAGE DEMANDS: Iggy Pop’s. Of the day? These are actually the greatest of all time. (The Smoking Gun)

Bill Maher Is the Perez Hilton of Smug Lefty Comics

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douche - billmaher.jpgLast night on Larry King Live, political comedian Bill Maher decided to “out” RNC Chairman Ken Mehlman, claiming the conservative is gay. While I tend to agree with Maher’s political opinions more often than I don’t, and while I always delight in seeing a “homophob-ocrite” (new word!) squirm, there’s just something so obnoxious about the way Maher conducts his nasty little bit of business. First of all, his ever-present “got it all figured out” smirk makes me want to beat him mercilessly with Ann Coulter’s shoe, and the “infinitely omnipotent” tone his voice always seems to take falls somewhere between “my parents humping” and “nails on a chalkboard” on the scale of sounds I enjoy hearing. And where the hell does someone who the bimbos at the Playboy Mansion privately refer to as “Sleazy B” get off sounding more self-righteous than Michael Moore in a room full of mentally retarded right-wingers? Maher, unable to simply enjoy this week’s electoral victories with any amount of quiet dignity, ostensibly went on TV and gloated obnoxiously by calling some GOP dipsh*t a “fag”. Classy, Bill – why not just start a blog on which you use MS Paint to draw crude slurs on pictures from The New Republic, offer editorial insights such as “Dennis Hastfart is so totes a junkie homobooger, bitchez!” and annoyingly refer to yourself in the third person? Either way, you’re today’s Daily Douche.

Top 10 Things To Remember Ed Bradley By

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BRADLEY.JPGWe want to take a moment from our regularly snarky schedule to reminisce all the thing we loved about Ed Bradley, the 60 Minutes anchor who passed away this morning at only 65 years of age. We weren’t aware Bradley suffered from leukemia, so his death caught us completely off guard. To honor the great newsman, we’ve put together a list of the 10 things we’ll miss most about him.

10. His Love of Jazz. As a young man, Bradley earned $1.50 an hour spinning jazz records at night while teaching during the day. His love of jazz continued for the remainer of his life, and even while working the 60 Minutes shift, Bradley still made time to host the Jazz from Lincoln Center radio program heard on NPR. You can learn basically all about his love of jazz here.

9. His Moxie. Bradley earned an Emmy Award for exposing sexual abuse in the Catholic Church in June of 2002, and scored the only televised interview granted with Oklahoma City bomber Timothy McVeigh. Bradley also broke the news that the authority failed to catch various pieces of evidence that could have prevented the Columbine school shooting massacre. He wasn’t afraid to expose people or things and confronted controversy head on.

8. His Affinity For Brightly Colored Hawaiian Shirts.
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Who knew?

The list continues after the jump.

Read more…

LISTEN UP: Billie Jean King

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  • Stereogum posts a cover of “Billie Jean” that leaves us wondering when Chris Cornell became John Cougar Mellencamp and, worse, why we secretly kind of like it.
  • Speek of Dark asks why Girls In Hawaii are guys who look like they’re freezing.
  • Instrumental Analysis has the lowdown on some hot little new indie band who’s calling themselves The Beatles (We get it – “Beetles”, except spelled like a music beat. Real clever.)
  • A Camera In the Crowd finds a track from the new album by Joanna Newsom, who still sounds like she’s composing a soundtrack to the latest Zelda game.
  • I’m digging this new Robbers On High Street track over at INDIEBLOGHAVEN, and I think you will too.

UNEMPLOYMENT CHECK: Emma On Ellen

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Time to let you in on a little secret; while you’re working hard all day we’re watching televison. Corny soaps, angry judges, blabbering talk show hosts– we’re on top of it. Those of you working 9-5′s, stuck in high school, or enrolled in a college class that actually enforses an attendance policy really don’t know what you’re missing. That’s why we want to share our favorite daytime TV moments with you. Moments like this one, from yesterday’s Ellen. It’s not everyday you see a two-time Oscar winner pole dancing to “I’m A Slave 4 U” while a lesbian talk show host throws dollar bills at her, is it? Yeah… didn’t think so.

Thanks Ellen. And thank you, Emma Thompson. The Academy approves.

CAPTION THIS! Salmammary Hayek

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Caption This! brought to you by Stranger Than Fiction, in theaters November 10th.
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Excutive Producer Salma Hayek gives us two big reasons to start tuning into Ugly Betty every week.

Head over to MetaDish for more pictures of Salma going down… in an elevator (note: Or up. Who cares?) Now it’s your turn; leave your Captions in the Comments now!

SIZZLER: Lohan Calls Paris A Crotch-Related Epithet, Uses Less Imagery

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Unlike Brandon Davis, who’s the Shakespeare of shouting pointless drunken celebrity insults at nearby cameras, it would appear that Lindsay Lohan prefers her prose to be more short and to the point – sort of like a Hemingway of the ho-bag set. In this latest club-departing battle in the starlet’s ongoing Whore War with Paris’ Posse, Lohan calls Hilton a c*nt, then giggles and says she’s “just kidding” and that she “loves Paris”. Did Lohan really mean what she said, or could the young poet have finally discovered the literary device known to the rest of us as “irony”? And if she is wryly satirizing her own image in the tabloids, can the world really withstand the philosophical ramifications of someone like Lindsay Lohan becoming self-aware on such a metaphysical plane?