While You Were Hoping to Avoid an IRS/Scientology Audit

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Best Night Ever for Tuesday, January 23rd!

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It’s Best Night Ever for Tuesday, January 23rd! Becky & Tony are here to walk you through the best moments of Tuesday night TV, including: American Idol, The Real Housewives of Orange County, Really Big Things and the only show on during the State of the Union: Veronica Mars!

…OF THE DAY

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  • REASON TO DRINK: This State of the Union Address Drinking game is great, but they left off “Take a long, melancholic swill of your beer every time you experience a vague sense of hopelessness”. (Wonkette)
  • ENEMY OF THE STATE: Sheriff Andy Griffith hated freedom and supported the evil-doers. (Boing Boing)
  • NEW DAY: Miss USA Tara Conner is out of rehab and ready to take “not having lesbian coke orgies” one day at a time. (E! Online)
  • OSCAR OPPORTUNITY: National Public Radio is sponsoring a “Write Your Own Oscar Speech” context, giving the cast of Dreamgirls a second crack at the tearful “Best Picture” acceptance speech they’d been planning. (NPR)
  • GUITAR HERO: This blogger compiled video evidence of the 20 Greatest Guitar Solos of All Time. (Cityrag)
  • BLOW JAVA: Just like in Idiocracy, some coffeehouse in Seattle features java served by half-naked women. Bang for your bucks. (The Seattle Times)

Fact of Life #145: We All Eventually Lose Our Minds

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Youtube videos are getting incredibly fabulous, old, and crazy, you guys. Yesterday, we alerted you to an golden oldish clip of Liza Minnelli on Larry King. Then today, Defamer gets hold on an interview where Charlotte Rae, aka Mrs. Garrett, goes ahead and calls Joan Collins (no relation) a bitch — while attending the premiere of Ms. Collins’ play! What kind of a lesson is that to Tootie and the girls? Thank goodness Joan had absolutely no f**king clue who the hell Charlotte Rae is, or it would’ve been another awkward “Hello, 911? Yes, Joan has blood coming out of her eyes again” phone call. Fans of all things fabulous, enjoy.

UNEMPLOYMENT CHECK: Ridin’ Dirty

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We had so much fun mashing up yesterday’s Elisabeth Hasselbeck video yesterday that we just had to do it again today. So here’s Elisabeth “Ridin’ Dirty” on the iGallop, one more time.

To Zarf or Not To Zarf… THAT is The Question

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zrfian.jpgOur sister in Zarfi-ly love, Pop Candy, has come across the greatest thing we’ve ever seen. The one and only Zarf will take on the role of Hamlet in the Shakespeare Theater Company’s production of Hamlet in Washington D.C.

We couldn’t think of anything more perfect. The man (or woman, whatever) already delivers his (or her) lines on All My Children as if they were written by Shakespeare, of course he (or she) would nail the role of Hamlet. The producers should be open to letting Zarf improvise, though. If there’s any way they could slip in the famous “I have a penis” line, we’d buy our tickets right now.

Ah, who are we kidding… we’re buying tickets no matter what. Can somebody say road trip?

Zarf’s Final Word: Confusing What is Real

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Ok, so technically this is not a clip from today’s All My Children, and with good reason: Now that Zarf/Zoe isn’t the killer, you can expect a lot less screentime. Probably so actor Jeffrey Carlson can memorize his Hamlet lines. So instead, enjoy this great music video of Zarf prancing about to the tune “Crawlin.” Honestly, it makes us wish we had gotten in on the Zarf action months ago. Plus, we never knew Linkin Park could be so butch!

The Second Coming of Cruise, Not at a Theater Near You

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CRUISE IS JESUS.JPGIt is by now common knowledge that Tom Cruise is man in charge of leading Scientology and its minions into the new Hollywood millennium. An ambassador to all things crazy, Cruise has done a fantastic job of roping in new A-list celebs onto his alien train, including, most recently, Jennifer Lopez. We’re sure the consistent ass-kissing of his fellow bi-polar underlings is motivation enough, but an article in today’s Sun makes is wonder if perchance, they’ve gone a scad too far. So what’s all the L. Ron Hub-bub?

See, they’re saying that Tom Cruise is Scientology’s version of Christ. Jesus, did they really? Yes, Christ, they did:

The Mission: Impossible star has been told he has been “chosen” to spread the word of his faith throughout the world. And leader David Miscavige believes that in future, Cruise, 44, will be worshipped like Jesus for his work to raise awareness of the religion.

A source close to the actor, who has risen to one of the church’s top levels, said: “Tom has been told he is Scientology’s Christ-like figure. “Like Christ, he’s been criticised for his views. But future generations will realise he was right.”

And it’s funny, because last I checked, Jesus didn’t really look like Phoebe Cates‘ twin sister. And while he would’ve been a kick-ass action star, we really don’t think he’d come down so hard on medication. I mean, we Jesus even allergic to vadges? We doubt it.

So what’s the lesson? The lesson is that if you’re rich enough, handsome enough, dyslexic and/or ess-eating crazy enough, you, too, can be Jesus. Christians, take it away.