Alright people, it’s time to come to grips with something: we’re going to have to start getting used to Britney Spears partying and hanging out with people like Paris Hilton. We have no choice. Britney is clearly on a rampage, but believe it or not it’s all part of a masterplan. It’s Britney’s 5-step-guide to recovering from her Fedivorce. See:
1. Clean up, look good, win back America’s sympathy.
2. Have lawyers announce pre-nup is “ironclad.” Humiliate Kevin.
3. Remove Kevin from Top 8 on MySpace.
4. Crotch shot. America loves crotch shots.
5. Start hanging out with whorebag Paris Hilton. Wear revealing clothes. Lose America’s sympathy, position self to rebound with a guy so sleazy he makes Kevin look clean by comparison.
Clearly, we’re at 5 now. I wonder who the rebound guy is gonna be. Nick Carter? Fred Durst? Aaron Carter? The possibilities are endless.
1. Forget Turkey. Forget Duck. Forget Chicken. Forget Turducken. Next Thanksgiving, serve the one bird everyone can’t get enough of: penguins – $51.5 million ($37.9 million weekend)
2. This movie would have had a higher box office figure if not for all the turkey-and-beer stuffed dads who bought tickets to the “family movie” (some bullsh*t about penguins), then leaned over ten minutes in, loudly announced to their wives that they’d meet them out by the car after the movie, and went to see this instead – $45.1 million ($31 million weekend)
3. Hmm, why do I have the strange feeling that I’ve seen this psychological pseudo-sci-fi action thriller before? Oh yeah, because I have. About 40 times – $29 million ($20.8 million weekend)
4. If there’s one kind of movie that best describes my overall cinematic taste, it would have to be the “overzealous neighbors hilariously feuding over who has the most holiday spirit until they realize in the end what the true meaning of holiday spirit is, then combine forces to have the best Christmas ever” genre – $16.9 million ($12 million weekend)
5. Let us give thanks that there are so many astonishingly idiotic people in this country that a British comedian can dress up as a Kazakh reporter, drive across America with a camera, and leave us all laughing hysterically at the utter hopelessness of our fellow countrymen – $15.4 million ($10.4 million weekend)
It’s Best Night Ever for Sunday, November 26th! Michael Cyril Creighton is here to walk you through the best of Sunday night tv, including Amazing Race, Family Guy, American Dad, The Wire, and Desperate Housewives!
Michael blogs at perpetuallynauseous.blogspot.com
- FAT LOL: Ruben Studdard has turned vegetarian… and 2,200 turkeys wipe the sweat off their combs in relief. (US Magazine)
- DIVORCE COSTS ARM AND LEG: Heather Mills claims that she would rather lose the rest of her limbs than go through her divorce with Paul McCartney again. We kind of wish she would’ve lost her larynx instead of that leg. (BBC News)
- SECOND SEINFELD TRAGEDY: First Michael Richards, now Jerry Seinfeld‘s ex-girlfriend Tawny Kitaen has been arrested for felony drug possession after police found cocaine in her house. We know her other ex-boyfriend O.J. Simpson is connected to this somehow, but we’ll give Seinfeld a small Thanksgiving break. (Yahoo News)
- PURSE-ECUTION: First daughter Barbara Bush had her purse stolen last week while dining out in Argentina. We wouldn’t be surprised if President Bush launched “Daddy’s Payback War” and sent 10,000 troops into Buenos Aires tonight. (CBS News)
- NSFWWWWW!!!!!!!: Someone is brave enough to review the Screech Sex Tape. We nearly didn’t link to this, as it’s a holiday weekend, but maybe you’ll put down that second helping of Grandma’s Fudge Pie after reading it. See, we’re helping you help you! (Have we mentioned it’s Not Safe For Work?) (Fleshbot)
- EYE CLEANSE: We can’t end on that Screech tape, so here’s a little Thanksgiving Brain Cleanse, from us to you! (Thanksgiving Cats and Thanksgiving Dog)
We’ll be enjoying the long weekend, and will return on Monday, November 27. Have a Happy Thanksgiving!
Cameron Diaz has a new schnozz. Thoughts?
Where would we be without the fine folks at Cracked? Probably home for Thanksgiving, sober, and wondering what the hell we’ve gotten ourselves into.
It doesn’t have to be that way. Check out Cracked’s guide to surviving Thanksgiving. They have it all: everything from eating your mother’s cooking to fighting your drunken father to saving face at your high school alumni football game– it’s all there. So if you’re like me and you’ll be heading back to your hometown in a couple of hours to awkwardly interact with old classmates and uncomfortably fight with a family member at the dinner table, start studying up now. You won’t regret it.
Thanks to the folks over at Cynically Tested, we finally know how our favorite YouTube videos are made. As it turns out, there’s a lot more that goes goes into a nutshot than you’d ever expect. A whole lot more. If you don’t believe me, just watch Balls!: The Making Of Balls.
Got something you want us to see? Drop it now!
We never thought we’d see the day where we’d have a good reason to post our favorite Youtube video of all time… then we got the call. Faith the Bi-Ped Dog, featured on the above genius Montel Williams segment (minute 3:58 is the best), is a dog born without front paws. While her owners were told she had little chance to survive as a puppy, a little peanut butter on a spoon was all it took to turn evolution on its side and make Faith walk upright. When we saw the above video a few months ago, we cried, we laughed… it was our personal Terms of Endearment. Then, this morning, we received a call from a co-worker who spotted Faith filming an episode of Law & Order in Midtown Manhattan. (Please, producers, do not rape and maim the poor thing.) But before we could draw a comparison between a two-legged dog and Chevy Chase, we got an even better scoop!
Turns out, Faith was scheduled to appear on The Late Show with David Letterman Monday night, but was bumped for the Michael Richards apology! Well, boo on that. A two legged miracle pooch beats out a semi-remorseful washed-up racist any day of the week. That Kramer apology killed the spirit within us that Faith kept so hard to keep alive. Shame on Letterman. This Thanksgiving, as you rip the wings of your succulent turkey, think of Faith… and be thankful that your own dog has all four legs and doesn’t do hacky stand-up.