SIZZLER: We Feel Very, Very Disturbed

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DENISERICH.JPGWithout giving away too much, here’s what happened:

1. We saw a headline that said “Sam-Whore-A Shows The Goods in Maui”, alongside a thumbnail picture of what we believed to be a man’s bathingsuit and a testicle peeking out.

2. Thinking this was Richie Sambora‘s testicle, we chuckled, shook our heads, and waved our fists at the sky.

3. We then clicked the link. (NSFW!!!)

4. We stared at the shot for a little while, thinking “Huh, that’s weird, that ball looks a little… deflated. Shrinky. Not correct.”

5. We then realized we were staring at a photo of Denise Richards‘ vagina. (Printed in whole for Google searching purposes. Hello traffic surge!)

6. Denise Richards’ vagina does not look correct.

7. We should have known Richie Sambora’s thighs are neither as smooth nor as taught as they appear in this photo.

8. Also, with thanks to DListed, are these photos which seem to imply that Denise Richards was snorting cocaine on the beach.

9. Does snorting cocaine lead to a misshapen vag?

10. Excuse us while we call our doctor.

TRAILER MASH-UP: When Harry Stalked Sally

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And we thought the scariest part of When Harry Met Sally was Billy Crystal‘s hairstyle! Or was it the old people? Check out this trailer reimagining our favorite 80s romantic comedy as a horror film. (Also, believe it or not, it might be NSFW — Crystal drops an f-bomb.)

(via BoingBoing)

Sweep The Leg, Zabka

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zabka.jpgWhenever anybody asks me what my favorite movie is I usually answer “The Karate Kid” (unless of course I’m hanging around pretentious art snobs. When that happens I go with Armageddon). My justification is that The Karate Kid was my favorite movie when I was 6-years-old and I haven’t seen a better movie since. And that’s the truth.

Anyway. Two weeks ago my world and the world of every Karate Kid fan on the planet was rocked by a music video called “Sweep The Leg”. Not because of the All-Valley Karate Tournament reference (it takes more than that to get us excited), but because it starred the immortal Billy Zabka– reprising his Johnny role 23 years later. This was momentous for 2 reasons: 1) It signaled the return of Zabka, a man who has been conspicuously absent from I Love The 80’s. It took a while, but it seems that Billy has finally accepted his role as a cult icon. Finally. And 2) He’s Billy F**king Zabka. He f**king rules!

The folks over at retroCRUSH were lucky enough to sit down with the man and talk to him about the new video, Mr. Miyagi, being nominated for an Academy Award and what it felt like to lose to Ralph Macchio. Click here to read the whole thing. Like you have something better to do today.

BRING BACK ZARF: Knock, Knock, Who’s There?

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Two days ago, we alerted you to something very troubling: The lack of Zarf‘s presence on recent episodes of All My Children. Well yesterday, Zarf did make an appearance… though we can’t quite get over the symbolism of having a door slammed right in his face:

Now they’re just getting obnoxious! Let the AMC writers and producers know what you think, and sign our BRING BACK ZARF PETITION! Seriously, the “Linkin Park in Romania” petition is kicking our ass, folks.

Stoop to the Stoop My Darlin': HAPPY 2-2-7!

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It’s here! We have been waiting for this day since roughly November of 1985, when, at 4 years old, we fell in love with one of our favorite primetime shows: 227! (The other show being, of course, Amen.) And today, February 2, 2007, we can celebrate and remember one of our favorite sit-coms from yesteryear. So last night, when the clock struck 12, we donned our favorite sequined dolman dress, slipped our hooves into hot pink pumps, and sat on our stoop, every now and again crying out “Maaaaary!” in distress while babbling gossip about our landlord. It was a kiki!

227 2.JPGSo where are the ladies of 227 today? Most notably, Regina King (who played the daughter “Brenda”) has gone on to an illustrious Hollywood career, and is now starring on 24. Here’s an interesting fact about Marla Gibbs, who played “Mary”: She was married at 13! Did you know the actress who played Rose (and, more recognizably, Olivia on Sesame Street), was married to the Predator? And Jackée Harry, our fave, has spent the better part of her career lighting up sitcom stages across Century City. Sadly, Helen Martin, aka “Pearl”, passed away in 2000. Pour a little out of your 40 on your doorstep to remember her by.

But don’t let that roon such a festive day! Spend “2-2-7″ meeting your neighbors… and finally put some faces to those voices that have really, really loud sex! (Hint: They’re probably ugly.) Celebrate, people!

While You Were Discussing Hairstyles of the 1970’s

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  • Johnny Knoxville is gearing up for the biggest, most painful stunt yet – the bajillion dollar divorce settlement.
  • Sources are reporting that Britney Spears is now begging K-Fed to take her back. Let those last six words sink in.
  • Lindsay Lohan has backed out of her next movie, saying she’d like to continue to her recovery efforts to make sure she’s 100% ready and able to completely ruin the next production she’s a part of.
  • Carmen Electra will portray a porn star in an upcoming film that is unfortunately not a porno movie.
  • Grey’s Anatomy star Patrick Dempsey welcomed a pair of twins into the world. The babies were met with adulation from McDreamy’s co-stars, except for Isaiah Washington, who said, “they look like little homos.”

…Of The Day

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  • BEST WAY TO STOP THOSE GAY RUMORS: Tell Playboy that you’re still single at 41 because you’re gay. At least, that’s Jeremy Piven’s move. (Dlisted)
  • THE MORE YOU DO: What do MTV employees listen to? Pretty much everything you’d think we listen to, plus Muse. (Idolator)
  • SARAH IS MAGIC: Sarah Silverman’s new show debuts on Comedy Central tonight, and if you have a big crush on her, like me, you’re going to watch it. (Pop Candy)
  • FROM VJ TO MC: Bill Bellamy will host the next season of Last Comic Standing. It’s something to kill time until the studio greenlights How To Be A Player 2. (Zap2It)
  • GOTTA LOVE THE REJECTS: GoDaddy.com should just keep on making rejected commercials… they’re so much more memorable than the real ones. (Celebrity Crunch)

Liveblogging Fat Tyra: It’s Happening!

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TYRABANKSFAT.JPGHi folks!!! Liveblogging Fat Tyra begiiiiiiiins…. now:

  • 5:01 PM: She’s in her bathing suit telling us not to believe things you read on the internet. Pshaw! Also, she has gained 10 pounds since her infamous paaaanty paaaaarty. Do you believe us? Do.
  • 5:03: Tyra assures us she loves to eat, but she didn’t gain 40 pounds in 2 months. Cue Phil Collins‘ “Against All Odds” folks, and take a look at her now. Thankfully, she also tells us that with the way she’s eating, she will one day look like she does in the fat pic.
  • 5:03: She just mocking said the word “America”, as in “What ‘Ameeerica’ thinks is beautiful.” Not 4 minutes in already, she’s schooling us on working the photo angle. Thanks for the tip, Monica Lewisnki.
  • 5:05: Our first reference to “America’s Next Top Waddle” and the still confusing “Tyra Porkchops”.
  • 5:06: It’s official: Tyra Banks has visited PerezHilton.com, though she refuses to name the site. Thankfully, the retarded 2nd grader scrawling over the photo summed it up fairly nicely.
  • 5:07: Don’t ever doubt this! TYRA LOVES HER MOMMA. Uh oh, we know what’s coming… she’s about to cry…
  • 5:08: SHE JUST CRIED AND TOLD EVERYONE TO KISS HER FAT ASS!!! Then she threw her fist up in the air like a Black Panther. This is awesome.
  • UPDATE: SAID RANT!!

    Hey! I think I’m one of those women!! Rep-ree-ZEhNT!

    More liveblogging after the jump, including pictures of Rexies and Fatties. Eff the Superbowl, this is the real showdown of the year.

    Read more…