10. I, Jamie Foxx – Do hereby resolve to ratchet up my Unending Attention Whoring Tour even a few more notches by making myself available to perform the refrain from “Golddigger” at store openings, birthday parties, bar mitzvahs and any other event featuring more than four people who will look at me.
9. I, Rush Limbaugh – Do hereby resolve to continue talking out of my ass day in and day out on my radio program for people who lack the capability of even the most basic forms of rational thought. I will make every attempt to use my ignorant, uninformed opinions to appeal to the fragile emotions of the weak and fearful, and take great care to callously belittle and humiliate all those whom I have deemed “evil” or an “enemy” of my flawed ideals, even if they are beloved actors and activists who have suffered more in a single hour than I will in the entirety of my gluttonous, pharmaceutically anesthized waste of a life.
8. I, Clay Aiken – Do hereby resolve to stay in this closet, where it is nice and warm, forever.
Now that we’re a few days removed from Christmas and we’ve come to grips with the fact that nobody loves us enough to get us a PS3, it’s time to look at what we’ve received and learn what our holiday gifts say about us. Christian Finnegan is here to help.
You know, it’s not too late to pick up a copy of Christian’s CD “Two For Flinching” for your friends and family. Get it here!
10. Naomi Campbell v. Maids. Word to the uneducated wise: If you absolutely have to spend your life cleaning other peopleâ€™s houses, do you best to stay away from Casa de Naomi Campbell. Because there youâ€™ll be, on your hands and knees, bleaching some tile grout, when the next thing you know you feel a 22-pound Balenciaga boot hit you in the back of the head, with the model demanding to know where her Stella McCartney jeans are. This almost literally happened in real life, with two separate maids accusing the supermodel of abuse, not to mention her former personal assistant who also claimed she was on the receiving end of the trademarked â€œCampbell How Are Ya?â€ The result? Naomi tamed her smoldering stare in anger management classes.
9. Travis Barker v. Shanna Moakler. We never really cared about this couple, and still kinda donâ€™t. But their televised love affair and eventual divorce is significant in 2006, if only because two adults â€“ grown humans with children, mind you â€“ resorted to verbal attacks on MYSPACE for God’s sake to get back at one another. Yes, Travis may have banged Paris Hilton (BFD, so did half the Minneapolis Rotary Club) and sure, Shanna, a former Miss USA, responded by binging on Penis Cake, but you know what guys? Itâ€™s called the high road. Mapquest it.
8. Rosie v. Kelly v. Clay. What happens when a clammy, skinny singer clamps his hand over the mouth of the reigning Queen of Annoying Morning Hosts? Rosie happens. So when Clay Aiken put his faux paw over Ripaâ€™s mouth, inciting her rage on live TV, Oâ€™Donnell goes ahead and not only accuses Kelly of being a homophobe, but at the same time kicks Clayâ€™s closet door in like Arnold Schwarzenegger in the bathroom scene from Kindergarten Cop. Winner? Well, it would have to be Rosie by default. We wouldnâ€™t want Clay Aikenâ€™s germs on our face either.
Did you find yourself mumbling the phrase “that’s just not right” a little bit more often than usual in 2006? So did we. And so did Paul F. Tompkins, which is why he’s here today to share his Top 5 “That’s Just Not Right” Moments of the year.
Have you found the time to return those unwanted Christmas gifts yet? Well, before you do, you should check back here tomorrow at 11 for Christian Finnegan’s What Your Holiday Gifts Say About You.
10. A Nation of Heavyset Italian Gay Men Develop a Craving for â€œJohnny Cakes.â€ If thereâ€™s one image that has burned itâ€™s way into the depths of our subconscious, it has to be Vito on The Sopranos, traipsing around a gay S&M night club in a little tight black number, topped off with a little leather cap. Sure, he was (spoiler!) killed, but you know there was one gay mobster out there who looked up to the sky and mouthed the words â€œthank youâ€ to the TV Gods. (Weâ€™ll also take this time to recognize our favorite SNL skit of the year, â€œThe New Jersey Gay Couple.â€)
9. Tom Cruise Gets Married. Kidding!
9. The 6-foot Long Hoagie That is the Jake/Lance/ McConaughey Sandwich. Whether they be cycling, doing sit-ups, binge drinking, cycling, bongo-banging, or participating in wet t-shirt contests, one thing is certain: The friendship between Jakey, Myatt n’ Lyance may not be a gay three-way tryst, but it is certainly the gayest thing weâ€™ve seen all year.
8. Rosie Oâ€™Donnell Outs Clay Aiken. It all began with an innocent, poorly timed joke between the infinitely creepy Clay Aiken and permaperky Kelly Ripa. The incident then birthed itâ€™s own little baby, a feud between newly anointed View co-host and staunch lesbian Rosie Oâ€™Donnell, who accused Kelly Ripa of being homophobic. Which is hilarious, because, as far as we knew, Clay Aiken was a total vagina fiend. Thanks for clearing that up, Ro!
Forget about Rolling Stone, Stereogum, Pitchforkmedia, Spin Magazine and Entertainment Weekly– this is the only year-end music list that actually matters. BWE’s Mike Britt is here to walk you through the Top 5 Songs/Lyrics of 2006.
Come back tomorrow at 11: Paul F. Tompkins will be your guide through the Top 5 “That’s Just Not Right!” Moments of the Year.
The news that former President Gerald Ford passed away yesterday might have been a little shocking… if he wasn’t 93-years-old… and if Dana Carvey hadn’t already reported on this ten years ago.
Our thoughts are with his friends and family. At least he wasn’t eaten by wolves.
(For the real news, check out CNN)
10. Shanna Moakler and Paris Hilton Enlist Help of Police to Settle Pointless Catfight Over Some Braindead Rocker Guy – While drinking vodka and energy drinks and calling everyone “bitch” at Hyde, Paris Hilton and Shanna Moakler ended up getting into a heated catfight over Moakler’s ex-husband Travis Barker, who Paris undoubtedly slept with. While there are few eyewitness reports of what actually happened (once the blow wears off, Hyde revelers seem to have trouble remembering things), we do know that they each filed seperate police reports claiming that the other one had assaulted them. In the end, no one was arrested, Moakler told paparazzi that Hilton has herpes, and everyone lived stupidly ever after.
9. Rip Torn Takes His Name Too Seriously While Driving – Rip Torn is part of that Gary Busey/Nick Nolte school of grizzled old veteran actors who seem to spend all their time playing excellent supporting roles in indie movies, and driving around drunk like batsh*t crazy old lunatics. They’re sort of like alcoholic grandads – we may pity their problems, but we can’t really get mad at them. Also, the mugshots are usually amazing.
Paul Scheer loves TV so much that the first draft of his Top TV Moments of 2006 was 137 pages long. It took some convincing, but eventually we were able to convince him to narrow it down to his top 5. So here they are: Paul Scheer’s Top 5 TV Moments of 2006.
Come back tomorrow at 11– Mike Britt will be here to walk you through the Top 5 songs/lyrics of the year!
It seems fitting that on the day of the birth of perhaps the most famous celebrity baby of all time, Jesus, we look back on the year that defined celebrity baby obsessionâ€¦
10. Some Celebrity Babies Are Already Cooler Than You Are. Making fun of babies can be incredibly easy, what with their complete lack of depth perception and verbal skills. But even fresh out of the womb, some celebrity babies are already way too cool for you. Ramona Saarsgard, daughter of uber-chic-but-clearly-unwashed Peter and Maggie Gyllenhaal, still hasnâ€™t returned your calls, and Kingston Rossdale, Gwen Stefaniâ€™s son, wonâ€™t even sign your yearbook. College will be a lot better, we promise.
9. Famous People Who Look Better Pregnant, aka â€œHeidi Klum Syndromeâ€ Pregnancy is the one time in a womanâ€™s life it is acceptable to look like complete sh*t. Unless youâ€™re a Victoria Secret â€œAngelâ€, of course, when having an alien life form in your womb transcends your beauty from â€œanorexia-inducingâ€ to â€œbun-in-the-oven-inspiring.â€ Take Heidi Klum, who week after pregnant week looked more beautiful and ethereal than ever before… causing hundreds of college boys to coin the term â€œEMILFâ€ (the E is for Expectant). Luckily, her baby came out kind of strange looking. (Thanks, Seal.)
8. 2006 Most Realistic Fake Bump Award: Reese Witherspoon. Then again, celebrities are held up to a strangely higher standard. Like when Reese Witherspoon was photographed on a beach with her children sporting a little mid-year bloat sac (read: small tummy.) Star Magazine jumped all over her baby mudflap, congratulating the actress on the burrito she was likely to birth in the bathroom later on that evening. Witherspoon sued the tabloids, and, as a result of the embarrassment (and that alone), divorced her husband.