Joe Francis Definitely Has A Type

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According to our friends over at I Don’t Like You In That Way (via HowardStern.com and OhNoTheyDidn’t), Girls Gone Wild founder/ sleazeball Joe Francis called into the Howard Stern Show Wednesday morning to brag about banging most of young Hollywood complain about Parisexposed.com and talk about his pending lawsuit. Of course, since Joe isn’t exactly the private type and Howard isn’t exactly the shy type, we ended up learning a lot. More than we wanted to, actually. We learned things like:

  • Joe has slept with Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan, Kimberly Stewart and Tara Reid
  • Paris is better at going downtown than Lindsay
  • Tara is terrible in bed
  • Tara is terrible in bed, potentially because Joe “only used protection” with her
  • Tara is terrible in bed, potentially because she just laid there
  • Tara is terrible in bed, potentially because she has a “big smelly loose vagina”
  • Joe doesn’t plan on sleeping with Paris again now that he’s seen her medical records

And so much more! Of course, according to the person who reported listening to this, Joe sounded “extremely drugged up, or hungover, or still drunk” so who knows if any of this is true or not. We don’t know what to believe. Well, except for the Tara Reid vagina part. We have a feeling that’s right on the money.

TOP CHEF INDIGESTION: Big Finale Recaps Everything You Already Read About On the Internet

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ilanwinner.jpgUnless you spent the last week in a sensory deprivation chamber, the chances are that some blog, magazine, website, jackass co-worker, TV show, Bravo themselves, or any combination thereof ruined the outcome of this season of Top Chef for you by breathlessly announcing the winner prior to last night’s finale. If you haven’t already tasted the exquisite flavor of having a season’s worth of suspense spoiled for you, allow me: Ilan Hall out-foamed, out-fried and out-fricasseed Marcel Vigneron all the way to the title of Top Chef! After last week’s shocking misjudgements, the big showdown (two guys who are sort of d*cks to each other FACE OFF!) ended up feeling sort of anti-climactic, even for devoted fans of the show. However, the night was not without it’s highlights, which include:

  • Ilan trying to pee on Marcel after the Oompa Loompa/Wolverine hybrid got himself stung by a jellyfish.
  • Sam and Michael punking Marcel by choosing to work on his team solely for the purpose of taking a few more jabs at him.
  • Betty proving, once again, that she’s the most universally unlikeable personality in the biz.
  • Marcel thinking the Top Chef finale is the appropriate venue to d*ck around with his experimental recipe for “salad dressing encapsulated in crystallized unicorn tears”.
  • Read more…

Kevin Federline Starring in Another Superbowl Ad

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Sure, we all know Kevin Federline is making his Superbowl Ad debut this Sunday, as a fast food worker for Nationwide. But did you know he’s actually starring in two commercials? Crazy, right? Here’s the other, lesser known commersh. We think it’s some of his finest work!

UPDATE: Really, folks? Cammannnnnm.

President of Taco Bell To Kevin Federline: “You Wouldn’t Last a Day at the Border”

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k-fed-tacobell.jpgIn his self-parodying Super Bowl commercial, Kevin Federline called down the fast food industry thunder and now’s he’s got it. Greg Creed, President of Taco Bell and the man who brought us the Grilled Stuffed Fiesta Burrito, has said “f*ck it, let’s get in on some of this sweet Federline publicity”, thrown down the gordita gauntlet and written an open letter challenging the Fresnoian wannabe rapper to work one eighth of a single shift at a Taco Bell of his choosing:

Come work for us, just for a one hour shift. We’ll get you a uniform, a custom name tag and show you what a great place Taco Bell is to work. We’ll even reward customers who visit that restaurant with an order of our new Carne Asada Steak Grilled Taquitos for free.

Your watering mouth is most certainly the result of imagining a fantasy world in which you served a delicious Carne Asada Steak Grilled Taquito, free of charge, for simply being fearless enough to allow a smiling Kevin Federline to prepare your food. “Yo quiero” indeed.

Aqua Teen Hunger Force Is The Bomb

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In case you haven’t heard, some people over at Turner Broadcasting are in a teensy weensy bit of trouble because of an Aqua Teen Hunger Force guerilla marketing campaign gone wrong. Yesterday a couple of struggling artists in Boston were arrested for hanging up blinking electronic signs to promote the Aqua Teen movie. Of course, since Bostonians love to create drama (Um, Boston Tea Party anybody? Hel-lo), somebody thought the city was under attack by terrorists and panic ensued. Apparently it was “wicked scary.” Anyway, here’s a video of the two dudes hanging the ads around Boston. Or, as the prosecution will call it, Exhibit A.

Great job, Boston. Way to be on top of terrorism… now.

Bad News For Office Fans, Good News For Ed Helms

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ANDYBERNARD.JPGJust when you think “Can he get anymore annoying?”, and just when you think “Oh, he’s in anger management! Thank god, it looks like the end!”, news comes out that Andy Bernard, the most annoying character in Office history and Michael Scott‘s stalker, has been upped to regular cast member. Regular. Freaaakin. Cast. Member. Meaning that there will be no shortage of a cappella related jokes and smarmy flirtations with Pam in the near future.

Our feelings on this news are mixed. On the one hand, we’ve always liked Ed Helms, but on the other hand, the Andy character is so absolutely annoying it’s kind of a bummer to learn he’ll always be around. For one thing, ever since his arrival on the show, Michael’s been acting depressed… and poor Dwight will have a permanent nemesis to work against. When will it end? He was a fun change for a few months, a new broom in the Dunder Mifflin cog, but we have trouble picturing our favorite cast functioning as regularly scheduled with his included presence. For God’s sake, why couldn’t they make Todd Packer a regular??? Check out this clip from tonight’s brand new episode of Todd and tell us you wouldn’t mind seeing that in Scranton every week. Also, no word on how much longer Karen will be there, but hopefully the answer is not much longer, if you catch our drift.

While You Were Spoiling Top Chef

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  • It turns out that Prison Break star Lane Garrison was not only drunk, but coked to the gills, when he got into the fatal car crash that left one child dead and two others injured. Hope he’s a method actor.
  • Listen, if you just got dumped by Scarlett Johansson, you need not one, but TWO drunk girls to give you a sloppy BJ in the bathroom stall of a downtown Manhattan dive bar. Right, Josh Hartnett?
  • Lindsay Lohan sent her friend a text message from the front lines of rehab warfare saying all she wanted was “McDonald’s and Sex”. Me, I like them both at the same time – little Filet ‘O Fish with my Filet ‘O Flesh, if you know what I’m talking about. And I think you do.
  • President Bush has finally figured out how to improve his image in the media: run the media over with a tractor.
  • Sienna Miller makes another stop on her 2007 Campaign of Classiness.

Best Night Ever for Wednesday, January 31st!

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It’s the Best Night Ever for Wednesday, January 31st! Shea Hess is here to walk you through the best moments of Wednesday night TV, including: American Idol, Knights of Prosperity, and with the end of Top Chef brings us the beginning of Top Design!

…Of The Day

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  • METHOD ACTING: Did Sienna Miller and Hayden Christensen actually go all the way during their sex scene? I don’t know, but I definitely went all the way watching it. (NY Daily News)
  • CAN’T BE BOUGHT: K-Fed turned down Britney’s $25 million divorce settlement offer. Because K-Fed can’t be bought! Or sold. (A Socialite’s Life)
  • OUR KINDA GIRL: Lindsay Lohan texted Brody Jenner that all she wants is “McDonalds and sex.” From rehab. I can’t wait to bring her home to mom. (Us)
  • BOSTON SUCKS: Name another city that could be brought to its knees by Meatwad, Master Shake and Frylock? (Pop Candy)
  • ESSENTIAL MOVIE WRAP-UP: The Oscars? Yeah right. Everything you need to know about 2006 is right here, assuming you can understand what he’s saying. (Thighs Wide Shut)

Bill Gates Has Never Seen a Talk Show

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“But of course he’s seen a talk show!” you say. Then I’m like “Really? That’s funny, because check this out!” And then you’re all “Click play”:

We know he’s busy, but what did he just save? Like 5 seconds? On second though, that’s about $4 million in Bill Gates time. Ne’er mind. (With thanks to Valleywag)