Who Will Be America’s Next Trashed Reality Judge?

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whitneyidol2.jpgWe’ve learned that yesterday’s rumor about the producers of American Idol reaching out to Courtney Love and offering her Paula Abdul’s vodka-soaked chair at the judges table was in fact false. But it did get us thinking – who else WOULD be a satisfactory replacement for the reality juggernaut’s most sobriety-challenged judge? Here’s who we came up with:

Nominee: Whitney Houston

Pros: She’s the reason all these contestants believe they’re future. Also, she could use the cash.

Cons: She would mostly likely use the cash to buy crack.

Read more…

BRING BACK ZARF CAMPAIGN!

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BRINGBACKZARF.JPGOnly a few weeks ago, we discovered the endless beauty that is Zarf, the only transgendered character on daytime tv’s All My Children. We were never soap opera people, but somehow Zarf/Zoe pulled us into a world of sensitivity and misunderstanding. When he was being accused of murdering various townspeople, we knew he was innocent. When he was locked up in jail, we made little “Free Zarf” signs, glued them onto toothpicks, and stuck them in our lunchtime paninis. When he sang, we wept. And when Adam kicked the ess outta him, we, too, bruised.

But it seems that ABC is slowly writing Zarf out of the show. While the rest of the cast hunts the town killer, it seems the writers are looking to move Zarf to an outside location to avoid any unnecessary attention. Well if it’s unnecessary attention you don’t want ABC, it’s unnecessary attention we will give. Because, as God is our witness, if you continue leaving Zarf off the screen, we will be forced to stop watching the show altogether.

Do you want ABC to “Bring Back Zarf”? Then do us a favor:

Then post it to your blogs. Add it to your Livejournals. E-mail it to friends and family. IM it to your Mom.

Together, we can make a difference.

Together, we can bring back Zarf.

Click Here to Sign the Petition! And click here to familiarize yourselves with the man… er, person… if you haven’t already.

Digg it!

Pete Doherty Does His Best Paris Hilton Impression

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I’m sorry, but doesn’t anybody know how to do cocaine anymore? In the past week we’ve seen Nicole Richie lick it, some fat dude pour it on his chest, and now Pete Doherty is injecting it into his arm. Call me old fashioned, but I could’ve sworn it was supposed to go up your nose.

Of course, in all seriousness, you shouldn’t be doing coke in the first place because if Johnny Dakota taught us anything it’s that “there’s no hope with dope.” And besides, after looking at people like Paris, Nicole, the fat dude and Pete Doherty… I couldn’t possibly think of a better anti-drug commercial. (Video kinda NSFW and kinda disturbing)

Vid via WWTDD

CAPTION THIS: Who’s Your Daddy?

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What, pray tell, is Bob Saget whispering into the impressionable ears of his one-time TV twin daughters? (We’re probably going to regret asking this.)

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SIMI-LEBRITIES, Part II: Pringles Lips McGinty

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Yes, we’ve already hit you up with a Simi-Lebrities today, but we just couldn’t help ourselves… have you ever noticed the uncanny relashe between the porn-fed Jenna Jameson and a dog with potato-chip duck lips? No? Well, forgive us, we just really needed a reason to share this adorable little pup with you guys.

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Jack Bauer Tortures EVERYTHING!

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kiefefr.jpgA couple of weeks ago we wrote about a Jack Bauer doll that was going to make its way onto shelves this summer. Well, apparently the doll would’ve come out already… that is, if it wasn’t for a drunk Kiefer Sutherland and his alter-ego’s love of torturing things.

According to Hollywood Rag:

Kiefer told the National Enquirer magazine: “They tried to come out with one a couple of years ago and they sent it to me for my approval.”We took the doll for out a night to have some fun and we’d had some drinks.
We sat it on the corner of the table.

“We started torturing him around 11pm and by 2am we set him on fire in the parking lot.

“We got up the next day and there was just this puddle of wax. His clothes didn’t burn, which I thought was pretty cool.

It’s assumed that either the doll had terrorist ties and was in possession of valuable information regarding Fayed’s whereabouts… or, quite possibly, it was just a normal doll and drunk Kiefer Sutherland is a f**king lunatic.

One or the other.

LISTEN UP: Nude & Rude

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  • Uberdrivel posted a 12-year-old Jesus And Mary Chain concert to get you all geared up for their Coachella reunion. As if you weren’t geared up already.
  • If you can’t get enough of LCD Soundsystem, head over to A Best Truth- they have a handful of tracks, including the super-catchy “Daft Punk Is Playing At My House”.
  • Disco:Very thinks that “Now I Hollar” by Plastic Little featuring Spank Rock is the “‘me so horny’ for the new millennium.” What do you think?
  • Who Killed The Mixtape has posted two tracks by The Little Ones that will be stuck in your head all day. Well, only if you listen to them. Otherwise you’ll be fine.
  • And finally, Unarocks features a 12-track-long mix today that includes the new Iggy & The Stooges song “Idea of Fun”, new Bloc Party, Primal Scream and more.

SIMI-LEBRITIES: Neverending Scary

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We might be going out on a limb here, but do any of you guys ever think Tara Reid looks sort of like Morla the Swamp Tortoise from Neverending Story?

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Liveblogging “Fat” Tyra Banks: Tomorrow at 5!

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Tomorrow will be a great day in the world of ridiculous television, when ex-supermodel and “fiveheader” Tyra Banks dons a granny bathing suit to prove to the world that she’s not fat. Ever since tabloids have accused the girl of “ballooning” to 161 pounds, she’s gone out of her way to prove that she can still girdle her way into Dolce & Gabbana, writing open letters denouncing her denouncers, and devoting an entire show to her figure. So, we decided to liveblog it! Why? Because the world needs to know the truth about Tyra’s slightly-large-but-not-huge ass! We actually think her body looks good. Now, if she would only devote an hour explaining some of her weave choices, we’d be getting somewhere.

Here’s a preview of the insanity!

p.s. Could somebody please explain to me what the headline “Tyra Pork Chops” means? Spanx! And check back with us tomorrow at 5 pm for minute by minute updates.

The Most Incredibly Thorough, Mind-Boggling Domino-Falley Video

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By minute 1 of this video, we were all: This is amazing! By minute 3, we were all: Wow, these people had a lot of time/adderall on their hands. By minute 4, it was like: Jeez, it’s almost annoying. By minute 5, it was like: Guhh… when does it eeeendddddd…. and by minute 6, we were starring in our own Excedrin commercial. So we thought we’d share it with you! Enjoy the grainy madness.