Brit 2 K-Fed: It’s Ova. ROTFL. KIT!

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Listen people: if you’re already sick of hearing about Britney & K-Fed, you might want to take the day off from BWE.tv. If you thought we talked too much about Borat, just wait until you see what we do with these two. We have no choice. It’s in our blood. Deal with it.

Here’s a video we found over at WWTDD profiling America’s Most Hated. In the clip, we learn that K-Fed may have actually found out Britney was leaving him via text message. LOL indeed.

Michael Jackson to Ruin Remaining Happy Memory

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MICHAELJACKSON.JPGIf there is one word we would never think to use for singer-cum-skeledemon Michael Jackson it’s this: Self-aware. Which is why he probably has no idea just how scarring his latest career move is. Jackson plans on recreating the entire video including famous graveyard scene from his hit music video Thriller at the Chopard Diamond Awards in London, given to artists who’ve sold over 100 million records. See, here’s the thing about that. 25 years ago, we knew that those zombies in the video were just actors in 80s-era makeup, and that Michael’s spooky appearance were thanks to yellow contact lenses.

Now, however, we fear that Michael Jackson singing and dancing as a reanimated zombie to Thriller would seem all too real. His albino 88-pound frame springing up from a freshly dug grave, his Skeletor face searing its image in the minds of millions of children unfamiliar with the original… will he still be serenading Ola Ray with yellow contacts and whiskers?!? (Cue full bodied horror chills.) It’s either going to be the single most disturbing performance ever, or the most hilarious thing we’ve ever seen.

While You Were Dealing w/ Your Election Hangover

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  • Britney Spears appeared upbeat in New York City just hours after filing for divorce. Ex-husband what’s-his-name also appeared somewhere feeling something, but already nobody cares.
  • Lindsay Lohan was reportedly involved in another car accident caused by the paparazzi after leaving Hyde last night. She’s now been rear-ended outside of Hyde almost as often as she’s been rear-ended inside.
  • John Kerry told an audience in Philadelphia that “attacking Patrick Murphy for his [military] service is a little bit like Jessica Simpson attacking Albert Einstein’s IQ.” He then took a pause, looked around the room, and added “Take my wife, please!”
  • President Bush announced that he planned on staying up past his bedtime to watch election results last night. It was the first time he saw the sunset in 6 1/2 years.
  • Simon Cowell was booed offstage while giving his best man speech at a friend’s wedding. Ahh… sweet, sweet revenge.

…OF THE DAY

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  • DAMAGED GOODS: Britney Spears, when one takes a gander at the pics “Before and After” K-Fed laid waste to once fertile lands. (CollegeHumor)
  • CRAPPY SERVICE: A Greyhound bus emptied its latrine in traffic, covering an Ohio family in human waste. And we thought nothing could be more disgusting than sitting next to the drunk old hobo who just peed himself. (The Smoking Gun)
  • FOLEY FACTS: The Unit’s Scott Foley is engaged. Washington’s Mark Foley is still a pedophile. (People)
  • GOOD NEWS FOR POST-APOCALYPTIC JEWS: Mel Gibson will not be reprising the rold of Mad Max in the fourth intallment of the film franchise. (DigitalSpy)
  • BWE PANELIST PASTIME: Giving interviews to comedy blogs, such as Frangela on The Apiary and Christian Finnegan on Dead Frog. (The Apiary, Dead Frog)
  • IN TOO DEEP: Genesis is reuniting, but “not for the money”. It’s actually more for the things they will be able to buy with the money. (BBC)

THE DAILY DOUCHE: You Make the Call!

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In the spirit of democracy, we’ll let you elect today’s Daily Douche. You can cast your vote in the comments, and for your convenience, we’ve even provided this helpful and entertaining video montage of suggested candidates. But please, whatever you do, don’t give it to George Michael.

UPDATE: For our less “obviousness-savvy” readers, the “candidates” I speak of appear in the video AFTER the opening montage of 9/11 & Katrina Victims. Guess I thought you’d know that.

Why Would Britney Dump K-Fed?

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How could Britney Spears possibly leave the super-talented, underrated, incredibly fertile, tree-smoking, pancake-loving rap genius that is Kevin Federline? We can’t figure this one out.

Some may speculate that she dumped the Federbeast because didn’t love Playing With Fire as much as the millions thousands hundreds dozens of people who purchased it. It’s a good theory, but we think it might have been something else. She must have seen this video over at AOL’s Gold Rush Video Central where her soon-to-be-ex-husband “rapped” video clues with the assistance of his “Private Dancers.” You know, I bet if Brit was given the option of citing “Gold Rush Video” instead of irreconcilable differences in the divorce papers she would have totally gone with it.

SIZZER: Brit & K-Fed’s Pre-Nup Details!

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BRITNEYKEFED1.JPGIt’s nearly impossible to see straight, what with our hyperventilating this past hour, regarding the divorce of American royalty Britney Spears and Kevin Federline. But nearly minutes after the initial announcement, details are already emerging over their pre-nuptual agreement. Pre-marriage, K-Fed was dancing his way to $30,000 a year. Post marriage? Even his cornrows are crying. From an Us Magazine article from December 2005, the details of their pre-nup:

  • K-Fed won’t touch a penny of Britney’s money. All the millions belonging to Britney will stay that way.
  • The mansion will be divided 50/50.
  • Any gift given worth over $10,000 will go back to the original purchaser. This includes a custom-built motorcycle Brit gave K-Fed for Christmas 2 years ago.
  • She will still support him for a little while longer. Brit will pay Kevin $30,000 a month for the period of time that is half the length of their marriage. Meaning he’ll be well sneakered until at least a year from now.
  • Spears won’t pay child support. Federline is still responsible for supporting his other two children with previous baby momma Shar Jackson. Luckily, Britney should be able to put food on the table for at least another 200,000 more years.

They are so the Ike and Tina of a new generation! Nam myoho renge kyo Britney!

ICYMI: Get Losticil

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If you’re a LOST fan like myself, you’re probably no stranger to the frustation of friends and family suffering from a strange malady known as “Not Watching the Show” that renders them incapable of spending hours talking about it with you, poring over hypothetical theories about the island’s mysteries, speculating about the intentions of The Others, and wracking their brains trying to figure out what in the hell it all means. Luckily, our friends at CollegeHumor have discovered a cure, and it’s called Losticil. (Click on white area to view)