SIZZER: Brit & K-Fed’s Pre-Nup Details!

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BRITNEYKEFED1.JPGIt’s nearly impossible to see straight, what with our hyperventilating this past hour, regarding the divorce of American royalty Britney Spears and Kevin Federline. But nearly minutes after the initial announcement, details are already emerging over their pre-nuptual agreement. Pre-marriage, K-Fed was dancing his way to $30,000 a year. Post marriage? Even his cornrows are crying. From an Us Magazine article from December 2005, the details of their pre-nup:

  • K-Fed won’t touch a penny of Britney’s money. All the millions belonging to Britney will stay that way.
  • The mansion will be divided 50/50.
  • Any gift given worth over $10,000 will go back to the original purchaser. This includes a custom-built motorcycle Brit gave K-Fed for Christmas 2 years ago.
  • She will still support him for a little while longer. Brit will pay Kevin $30,000 a month for the period of time that is half the length of their marriage. Meaning he’ll be well sneakered until at least a year from now.
  • Spears won’t pay child support. Federline is still responsible for supporting his other two children with previous baby momma Shar Jackson. Luckily, Britney should be able to put food on the table for at least another 200,000 more years.

They are so the Ike and Tina of a new generation! Nam myoho renge kyo Britney!

ICYMI: Get Losticil

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If you’re a LOST fan like myself, you’re probably no stranger to the frustation of friends and family suffering from a strange malady known as “Not Watching the Show” that renders them incapable of spending hours talking about it with you, poring over hypothetical theories about the island’s mysteries, speculating about the intentions of The Others, and wracking their brains trying to figure out what in the hell it all means. Luckily, our friends at CollegeHumor have discovered a cure, and it’s called Losticil. (Click on white area to view)

LISTEN UP: Pouring One Out For K-Fed

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  • In honor of the biggest election day news, Fire In the Stereo has a couple tracks for our recently “Dear Johned” homefries K-Fed, including a duet with his soon-to-be ex-wife.
  • Best Foot Forward has a new Hot Chip remix, AND a picture of some dude hugging a big weed plant.
  • The Shins are back and life-changing as ever, but they can only be found on blogs written in languages you probably do not speak. Like PopTart.
  • Y’all head on down to Scenestars and get yourself some Southern-fried rock goodness from my friend Cory Branan.
  • *Sixeyes has a whole bunch of Pavement tracks, just in case you’re feeling cleverly disaffected.

SIZZLER: HOLY S**T! Britney Files For Divorce!

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britney-kevin_N-753537.jpgTMZ reports…

Britney Spears has filed a petition for divorce from Kevin Federline.

Spears filed legal papers today in Los Angeles County Superior Court, citing “irreconcilable differences.” In her petition, Spears asks for both legal and physical custody of the couple’s two children, one-year old Sean Preston and two-month old Jayden James, with Federline getting reasonable visitation rights.

I’m sorry… I’m… I’m just not ready to deal with this right now. I just can’t.

Future Crush Alert: Rafferty Law

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Laaaadies! Time to renew your Tiger Beat subscriptions, because we have a feeling you’ll be seeing a lot of this guy in the coming years. It may not be such a shock that the son of the eternally handsome Jude Law, Rafferty Law, is the picture of sun-kissed blonde-blue-eyed perfection. Judging from the photos above, taken at a soccer game in London, it’s pretty obvious this kid is going to grow up to be painfully gorgeous. And it occurred to us that since Mary Kate and Ashley turned 18 a few years ago, it’s been awhile since we’ve seen any borderline-inappropriate countdown clocks anywhere. So we threw together a handy lil clock that ticks off the days until 2014, by which point we imagine the 18-year-old Rafferty will either be 1. a teen heartthrob, or 2. the disturbed product of a well-publicized celebrity divorce. Til then, we’ll just have to do with his smarmy pretty boy father.

AD WIZARDS: The Nutty Professional Baseball Player

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You might not remember major leaguer Mark Littell (most likely because he’s primarily known for being a mediocre Kansas City Royals pitcher back in the late 70′s), but this commercial for his athletic support product “The Nutty Buddy”, is pretty unforgettable. In less than two minutes, Littell sexually harasses a “sweet-looking” high school girl named Lacey, randomly tells us he’s not a transvestite, repeatedly refers to his “cajonies”, hoists himself atop two Igloo water coolers wearing tight spandex shorts and a backwards batting helmet, and voluntarily takes a 100-mph fastball right in the junk, all to demonstrate the effectiveness of what is ostensibly an average athletic cup, and all under the watchful gaze of Masa Koyanagi, the “Asian trainer” whose purpose is never clearly explained. The Nutty Buddy comes in three sizes: “The Boss”, “The Hog”, and “El Jefe”. I don’t know what it means, but some reason I feel like I should purchase the Spanish one.

Faith Hill Is Not A Bitch, She’s Just Not Funny

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faithhill.jpgThis Just In: Faith Hill wasn’t actually outraged and upset when Carrie Underwood beat her out for Female Vocalist of The Year at last night’s CMA Awards. She was just kidding! It was a joke! Get it?

“The idea that I would act disrespectful towards a fellow musician is unimaginable to me. For this to become a focus of attention given the talent gathered is utterly ridiculous. Carrie is a talented and deserving Female Vocalist of The Year.”

Apparently Faith has been attending the John Kerry School of Comedy. Somebody has to tell these unfunny celebrities to stop trying to crack jokes in public; it only ends up making them look stupid. First Kerry, now Faith, and let’s not forget about the comedy album that Kevin Federline released last week. When will they learn?

Who do you think should stop trying to be funny in public? Vote now!

Katherine McPhee Guilty of Murder…

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…ing a great song, that is. Last week, we told you that American Idol star Katherine McPhee scrapped plans of singing “Somewhere Over the Rainbow” in order to sing “I Have Nothing”, upon learning Whitney Houston was in the audience. Here’s the thing about that. If you’re going to get up in front of arguably the greatest singer of our time in order to “honor” her, then you better lay that track down! You better sing it so well that half the U.S. Navy drowns in ecstasy! For example, when the day finally comes where I find myself serenading Paul Robeson in heaven, you best believe he’ll be weeping into his own lap from the sheer beauty of it all.

So did McPhee live up to expectation? Check out this clip of the concert taken from Access Hollywood, and you tell us. It took us a few minutes to realize that the noise we were hearing wasn’t our cat on the rag.

The Spears-Letterman PR Firm Video Timeline

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In the middle of last night’s David Letterman show, apropros of nothing, Britney Spears suddenly appeared at Dave’s desk, dribbled out a few half-sentences and giggles, then toddled her way back across the entire stage, ensuring that every man, woman and child in this country got themselves a long look at her newly svelte figure, which wasn’t difficult as Brit appeared to be wearing no garments on the lower half of her body. The only way she could have driven home the message of this “Dress Release” any harder is if there were a giant neon sign blinking “Hot Again!” hanging over her. After admiring the hard work of her team of highly-paid nutritionists and fitness experts, it occurred to us that this isn’t the first time Britney has used Dave’s stage as her own private press conference. After the jump, we’ve prepared a video timeline of several of her more memorable appearances on the show, and what exactly she was there to tell you.

When: Last Night
What: Britney has a walk-off with herself for no apparent reason.
Why: “I’m not fat anymore, y’all!”

Read more…