You would think that on the one weekend this nation has to give thanks for all the cocaine daddy’s money buys, Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan could put aside their differences and learn to get along. But, as this video caught by an X17 Online lensman of LiLo proves, even Thanksgiving won’t cure Paris Hilton’s Catscratch Fever. In the vid, a determined Lohan hoofs it out of an SUV over to the cameraman, and recounts the horror of having a drink thrown at her by Paris. Doesn’t Paris know alcohol + firecrotch = certain death? The transcript:
This is a video that Paris Hilton… and I’m saying this on tape… she hit me last night, for no reason apparently, at my friend’s house, and I didn’t know she’d be there. And she hit me, she hit me with a drink, and it hurts and it’s not okay.
And I’m sorry for everyone that thinks I’m crazy. I’m not… I’m just trying to act.
Just… trying to act, eh Linds? That’s funny, because last I remember, I don’t recall ever seeing Lauren Bacall exiting a car wearing thigh-high patent leather eff-me boots. And I think… no, I’m actually certain, that I have absolutely no idea what Katherine Hepburn‘s vagina looks like. But we’re not gonna lie: Bacall would no doubt kill Hepburn in a broken-bottle showdown. Whatever that means.
p.s. Can anyone actually see the bruise? Kinda looks like orphan dirt to us.
Our step cousin-in-laws over at Vh1′s Web Junk Blog point us to this AMAZING clip of Leonard Neuman, a St. Louis personal injury lawyer who wants you to know about your right to collect money, a right he repeatedly reminds you of, as a catastrophic Armageddon rages on in the background. Incidentally, this spot was directed by filmmaker Michael Bay.
I have absolutely no problem with Heidi Klum singing a Christmas song. In fact- the more Heidi in my life, the better. But there’s something about this video that screams “Karaoke!” Maybe it’s the special effects, maybe it’s the snowy B-roll or maybe it’s the random landscape shots that you tend to only see in karaoke videos, I’m not sure. Either way… this is awesome.
Thank you Dlisted. Thank you.
Alright people, it’s time to come to grips with something: we’re going to have to start getting used to Britney Spears partying and hanging out with people like Paris Hilton. We have no choice. Britney is clearly on a rampage, but believe it or not it’s all part of a masterplan. It’s Britney’s 5-step-guide to recovering from her Fedivorce. See:
1. Clean up, look good, win back America’s sympathy.
2. Have lawyers announce pre-nup is “ironclad.” Humiliate Kevin.
3. Remove Kevin from Top 8 on MySpace.
4. Crotch shot. America loves crotch shots.
5. Start hanging out with whorebag Paris Hilton. Wear revealing clothes. Lose America’s sympathy, position self to rebound with a guy so sleazy he makes Kevin look clean by comparison.
Clearly, we’re at 5 now. I wonder who the rebound guy is gonna be. Nick Carter? Fred Durst? Aaron Carter? The possibilities are endless.
1. Forget Turkey. Forget Duck. Forget Chicken. Forget Turducken. Next Thanksgiving, serve the one bird everyone can’t get enough of: penguins – $51.5 million ($37.9 million weekend)
2. This movie would have had a higher box office figure if not for all the turkey-and-beer stuffed dads who bought tickets to the “family movie” (some bullsh*t about penguins), then leaned over ten minutes in, loudly announced to their wives that they’d meet them out by the car after the movie, and went to see this instead – $45.1 million ($31 million weekend)
3. Hmm, why do I have the strange feeling that I’ve seen this psychological pseudo-sci-fi action thriller before? Oh yeah, because I have. About 40 times – $29 million ($20.8 million weekend)
4. If there’s one kind of movie that best describes my overall cinematic taste, it would have to be the “overzealous neighbors hilariously feuding over who has the most holiday spirit until they realize in the end what the true meaning of holiday spirit is, then combine forces to have the best Christmas ever” genre – $16.9 million ($12 million weekend)
5. Let us give thanks that there are so many astonishingly idiotic people in this country that a British comedian can dress up as a Kazakh reporter, drive across America with a camera, and leave us all laughing hysterically at the utter hopelessness of our fellow countrymen – $15.4 million ($10.4 million weekend)
It’s Best Night Ever for Sunday, November 26th! Michael Cyril Creighton is here to walk you through the best of Sunday night tv, including Amazing Race, Family Guy, American Dad, The Wire, and Desperate Housewives!
Michael blogs at perpetuallynauseous.blogspot.com
- FAT LOL: Ruben Studdard has turned vegetarian… and 2,200 turkeys wipe the sweat off their combs in relief. (US Magazine)
- DIVORCE COSTS ARM AND LEG: Heather Mills claims that she would rather lose the rest of her limbs than go through her divorce with Paul McCartney again. We kind of wish she would’ve lost her larynx instead of that leg. (BBC News)
- SECOND SEINFELD TRAGEDY: First Michael Richards, now Jerry Seinfeld‘s ex-girlfriend Tawny Kitaen has been arrested for felony drug possession after police found cocaine in her house. We know her other ex-boyfriend O.J. Simpson is connected to this somehow, but we’ll give Seinfeld a small Thanksgiving break. (Yahoo News)
- PURSE-ECUTION: First daughter Barbara Bush had her purse stolen last week while dining out in Argentina. We wouldn’t be surprised if President Bush launched “Daddy’s Payback War” and sent 10,000 troops into Buenos Aires tonight. (CBS News)
- NSFWWWWW!!!!!!!: Someone is brave enough to review the Screech Sex Tape. We nearly didn’t link to this, as it’s a holiday weekend, but maybe you’ll put down that second helping of Grandma’s Fudge Pie after reading it. See, we’re helping you help you! (Have we mentioned it’s Not Safe For Work?) (Fleshbot)
- EYE CLEANSE: We can’t end on that Screech tape, so here’s a little Thanksgiving Brain Cleanse, from us to you! (Thanksgiving Cats and Thanksgiving Dog)
We’ll be enjoying the long weekend, and will return on Monday, November 27. Have a Happy Thanksgiving!
Cameron Diaz has a new schnozz. Thoughts?
Where would we be without the fine folks at Cracked? Probably home for Thanksgiving, sober, and wondering what the hell we’ve gotten ourselves into.
It doesn’t have to be that way. Check out Cracked’s guide to surviving Thanksgiving. They have it all: everything from eating your mother’s cooking to fighting your drunken father to saving face at your high school alumni football game– it’s all there. So if you’re like me and you’ll be heading back to your hometown in a couple of hours to awkwardly interact with old classmates and uncomfortably fight with a family member at the dinner table, start studying up now. You won’t regret it.