While You Were Spoiling Top Chef

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  • It turns out that Prison Break star Lane Garrison was not only drunk, but coked to the gills, when he got into the fatal car crash that left one child dead and two others injured. Hope he’s a method actor.
  • Listen, if you just got dumped by Scarlett Johansson, you need not one, but TWO drunk girls to give you a sloppy BJ in the bathroom stall of a downtown Manhattan dive bar. Right, Josh Hartnett?
  • Lindsay Lohan sent her friend a text message from the front lines of rehab warfare saying all she wanted was “McDonald’s and Sex”. Me, I like them both at the same time – little Filet ‘O Fish with my Filet ‘O Flesh, if you know what I’m talking about. And I think you do.
  • President Bush has finally figured out how to improve his image in the media: run the media over with a tractor.
  • Sienna Miller makes another stop on her 2007 Campaign of Classiness.

Best Night Ever for Wednesday, January 31st!

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It’s the Best Night Ever for Wednesday, January 31st! Shea Hess is here to walk you through the best moments of Wednesday night TV, including: American Idol, Knights of Prosperity, and with the end of Top Chef brings us the beginning of Top Design!

…Of The Day

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  • METHOD ACTING: Did Sienna Miller and Hayden Christensen actually go all the way during their sex scene? I don’t know, but I definitely went all the way watching it. (NY Daily News)
  • CAN’T BE BOUGHT: K-Fed turned down Britney’s $25 million divorce settlement offer. Because K-Fed can’t be bought! Or sold. (A Socialite’s Life)
  • OUR KINDA GIRL: Lindsay Lohan texted Brody Jenner that all she wants is “McDonalds and sex.” From rehab. I can’t wait to bring her home to mom. (Us)
  • BOSTON SUCKS: Name another city that could be brought to its knees by Meatwad, Master Shake and Frylock? (Pop Candy)
  • ESSENTIAL MOVIE WRAP-UP: The Oscars? Yeah right. Everything you need to know about 2006 is right here, assuming you can understand what he’s saying. (Thighs Wide Shut)

Bill Gates Has Never Seen a Talk Show

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“But of course he’s seen a talk show!” you say. Then I’m like “Really? That’s funny, because check this out!” And then you’re all “Click play”:

We know he’s busy, but what did he just save? Like 5 seconds? On second though, that’s about $4 million in Bill Gates time. Ne’er mind. (With thanks to Valleywag)

Who Will Be America’s Next Trashed Reality Judge?

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whitneyidol2.jpgWe’ve learned that yesterday’s rumor about the producers of American Idol reaching out to Courtney Love and offering her Paula Abdul’s vodka-soaked chair at the judges table was in fact false. But it did get us thinking – who else WOULD be a satisfactory replacement for the reality juggernaut’s most sobriety-challenged judge? Here’s who we came up with:

Nominee: Whitney Houston

Pros: She’s the reason all these contestants believe they’re future. Also, she could use the cash.

Cons: She would mostly likely use the cash to buy crack.

Read more…

BRING BACK ZARF CAMPAIGN!

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BRINGBACKZARF.JPGOnly a few weeks ago, we discovered the endless beauty that is Zarf, the only transgendered character on daytime tv’s All My Children. We were never soap opera people, but somehow Zarf/Zoe pulled us into a world of sensitivity and misunderstanding. When he was being accused of murdering various townspeople, we knew he was innocent. When he was locked up in jail, we made little “Free Zarf” signs, glued them onto toothpicks, and stuck them in our lunchtime paninis. When he sang, we wept. And when Adam kicked the ess outta him, we, too, bruised.

But it seems that ABC is slowly writing Zarf out of the show. While the rest of the cast hunts the town killer, it seems the writers are looking to move Zarf to an outside location to avoid any unnecessary attention. Well if it’s unnecessary attention you don’t want ABC, it’s unnecessary attention we will give. Because, as God is our witness, if you continue leaving Zarf off the screen, we will be forced to stop watching the show altogether.

Do you want ABC to “Bring Back Zarf”? Then do us a favor:

Then post it to your blogs. Add it to your Livejournals. E-mail it to friends and family. IM it to your Mom.

Together, we can make a difference.

Together, we can bring back Zarf.

Click Here to Sign the Petition! And click here to familiarize yourselves with the man… er, person… if you haven’t already.

Digg it!

Pete Doherty Does His Best Paris Hilton Impression

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I’m sorry, but doesn’t anybody know how to do cocaine anymore? In the past week we’ve seen Nicole Richie lick it, some fat dude pour it on his chest, and now Pete Doherty is injecting it into his arm. Call me old fashioned, but I could’ve sworn it was supposed to go up your nose.

Of course, in all seriousness, you shouldn’t be doing coke in the first place because if Johnny Dakota taught us anything it’s that “there’s no hope with dope.” And besides, after looking at people like Paris, Nicole, the fat dude and Pete Doherty… I couldn’t possibly think of a better anti-drug commercial. (Video kinda NSFW and kinda disturbing)

Vid via WWTDD

CAPTION THIS: Who’s Your Daddy?

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What, pray tell, is Bob Saget whispering into the impressionable ears of his one-time TV twin daughters? (We’re probably going to regret asking this.)

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SIMI-LEBRITIES, Part II: Pringles Lips McGinty

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Yes, we’ve already hit you up with a Simi-Lebrities today, but we just couldn’t help ourselves… have you ever noticed the uncanny relashe between the porn-fed Jenna Jameson and a dog with potato-chip duck lips? No? Well, forgive us, we just really needed a reason to share this adorable little pup with you guys.

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Jack Bauer Tortures EVERYTHING!

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kiefefr.jpgA couple of weeks ago we wrote about a Jack Bauer doll that was going to make its way onto shelves this summer. Well, apparently the doll would’ve come out already… that is, if it wasn’t for a drunk Kiefer Sutherland and his alter-ego’s love of torturing things.

According to Hollywood Rag:

Kiefer told the National Enquirer magazine: “They tried to come out with one a couple of years ago and they sent it to me for my approval.”We took the doll for out a night to have some fun and we’d had some drinks.
We sat it on the corner of the table.

“We started torturing him around 11pm and by 2am we set him on fire in the parking lot.

“We got up the next day and there was just this puddle of wax. His clothes didn’t burn, which I thought was pretty cool.

It’s assumed that either the doll had terrorist ties and was in possession of valuable information regarding Fayed’s whereabouts… or, quite possibly, it was just a normal doll and drunk Kiefer Sutherland is a f**king lunatic.

One or the other.