BREAKING: Paris Hilton’s Vagina Might Not Be As Immaculate As We Had Previously Imagined!

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parispotty.jpgSince the launch of ParisExposed.com, it seems as if every day a new bit of unsavory Paris Hilton bric-a-brac comes oozing out of that abandoned storage locker. Today, our friends over at RADAR have blown the lid off the mystery of whether Paris actually has an STD, or just conceptually represents STD-related things. Judging by her Valtrex prescription, we’re going to go with the former (congrats to those of you who had “herpes” in your Paris STD office pool). You probably didn’t want to know any of this, and you’re probably not suprised now that you do, but consider this – while you’re enjoying all the amateur Paris porn that will inevitably be infecting the Internet over the next few weeks, take a little extra pleasure in the fact that you know something her co-stars do not.

ICYMI: Stewie & Gene Kelly Dance The Night Aweigh

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If you caught Family Guy on Sunday night you know damn well that one scene stole the show. No, I’m not talking about My Black Son – I’m talking about the random Stewie Griffin / Gene Kelly duet. If you haven’t seen it yet, click below and watch it now. Then make sure you check out the original version from Anchors Aweigh. Those Family Guys really will do anything for a laugh.

GUESS WHO?: Happy Trails 2 U Edish

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This one should be easy… because we’re not blocking out his face:

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Uh-guh…. It’s more pictures of Danielle Radcliffe, aka White D’Angelo! We should add that a little over a year ago we created a Harry Potter Legal Age Countdown Clock as a joke (Olsen Twin clock, anybody?), and actually went back to check it today… only to discovery there are only 173 days left til lil Danny turns 18. Will you excuse us for a minute?

(Squeeeee!)

Our faves after jump… trusssss girrrrrl you wanna see it.

Read more…

ICYMI: Here We Go Again

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Four kids + six treadmills + OK Go’s “Here We Go Again” + a s**t load of free time = the single greatest talent show act ever. Well, except for your friend’s band that did a killer cover of Blink 182’s “Dammit” back in 1998. But these kids are a close second. See for yourself.

Link via Collegehumor

While You Were Having a Spell From Harry Potter

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  • Britney Spears’ new boyfriend was seen buying panties for the pop starlet during a recent shopping trip in LA. Dude, there’s nothing you can do to un-burn the image of your girlfriend’s cooch from our brains.
  • Gwyneth Paltrow says Lindsay Lohan will “figure it out”. Figure what out? The fake British accent? The patronizing attitude towards Americans? Sudoku?
  • According to a blind item in Gatecrasher, Rumer Willis is punk’ing her parents by hoovering blow in bathroom stalls. Even in rehab, Lohan’s legacy will live on!
  • P. Diddy is probably P. Diddling Sienna Miller (S. Milly).
  • The Sad Ballad of One Celebrity Stalking Another, starring Andy Dick and Keifer Sutherland. We’ll let you decide who plays which role.

Best Night Ever: Monday, January 29th!

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It’s the Best Night Ever for Monday, January 29th! Brian Faas is here to walk you through the best moments of Sunday night TV, including: I Love NY, Heroes, Deal or No Deal and everyone’s favorite vanity competition the Miss America 2007 Pageant!

…Of The Day

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  • SCANDAL IN A SCANDAL: What? Perez Hilton isn’t reporting on the most recent Paris Hilton scandal? That would probably be scandalous if it wasn’t so… lame. (Celebitchy)
  • MEATWAD: Aqua Teen Hunger Force the movie, coming soon. (Adult Swim)
  • (WO)MAN’S BEST FRIEND: Lucky for Paula Abdul, her dog doubles as a paparazzi deterrent. (CityRag)
  • SUICIDE SPOT: A Swiss ski resort has named a ski lift after James Blunt. If that doesn’t make you want to jump, I don’t know what will. (FemaleFirst)
  • WORD: He’s black– he’s a hipster– he’s a Blipster! I wonder which celebrity is going to misuse it and have to go to rehab first. (The Modern Age)

UNEMPLOYMENT CHECK: I’m Not As Bark As You Growl I Am

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Beer for dogs! From where else? The Netherlands, where we assume they also have “Puppy Pot”, which is actually just lawn grass stuffed into a snausage. In the meantime, this is the perfect way to get lil’ Fido into bed with you when he’s “not in the mood.”

How Many Things Are Wrong with This Picture?

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We are overwhelmed with the amount of things that are so, so wrong with this picture taken of Britney Spears, and feel it is our duty to list them out one by one. (Deep breath) Here goes:
1. There’s something to be said about mixing patterns; there’s a whole other thing to be screamed about combining various silk-screened prints of gold chains.
2. Especially when worn with mardi gras beads.
3. It appears as if she is clutching make-up bags given away by Clinique.
4. She is smoking mentholated cigarettes.
5. And drinking Red Bull.
6. She is starting to develop Howdy Doody mouth lines.
7. Her pants are too big.
8. They are also red and made of velour.
9. Her assistant has Luke Perry jean-holes.
10. And, we are guessing, killer cameltoe.

But the worst, the WORST, thing about this photo?

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She is feeding her chihuahua Red Bull. While it attempts to escape from his doggie sweater. OK, so not really, but the proximity of the can hole to the dog’s face taken together with his panicked expression led us to only one concloozh.

Can we please, please, get her children/dog away from her death clutch, please?

Also, feel free to let us know if we missed anything in the above picture. Honestly, we were hypnotized by little doggie feet.

AD WIZARDS: Tommy Lee Jones Looks Thrilled To Be Shilling For Some Japanese Coffee Drink

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A lot of American movie stars earn a little extra coin by appearing in Japanese television commercials (think Bill Murray in Lost In Translation). But while some of them just phone it in for the paycheck, Tommy Lee Jones, a consummate professional, turns in a harrowing performance as a man who seems to utterly hate himself for selling out so shamefully. Notice every nuance of steely-faced self-loathing in the midst of the incoherent Japanese chaos surrounding him. One imagines Jones just sat there, miserable, for take after take, refusing to move so much as a muscle fiber in his famous face for the million bucks he was probably paid for this. Or maybe he was just having a REALLY relaxing time with his Suntory Times.