Tomorrow is a big election day for America. You see, Willie Nelson is out there campaigning to stop horses from being slaughtered for food. But luckily for all those who love the taste of horse, there is a candidate fighting for their interests, fighting for every American man, woman and child’s right to eat what they want – even if it’s cute and friendly. When you hit the polls tomorrow, please – Vote Blagg.
It’s finally here: After years of compulsive binge eating, after one failed Showtime series documenting said binge eating, after a very public announcement that said pudge would be lost thanks to Jenny Craig (read: millions of dollars and round-the-clock food-jail), after losing a small African village, and after winning over our hearts: Kirstie Alley, current star of Formerly Fat Now Just Kinda Buxom Actress, will be stripping down to her bikini on Oprah today.
I know what you’re thinking: Only a few hours of perfect vision before uncontrollably clawing your eyes out. Well, don’t fear: Because there is a clip of it on the internet already! So get those grapefuit spoons out for maximum ocular diggage, and check it out here!
Our good friends Stuckey & Murray want to remind you of a very important little fun fact before you step into the voting booth tomorrow: Mark Foley is a pervert. Check out their new tune “Mark Foley, Holy Moley”. It’s the catchiest song about a Republican House member engaging in inappropriate conversations with teenage pages… ever.
No, we haven’t received a dime for our relentless pimping of Borat. And yes, we are aware that we’re completely beating this thing to death. HOWEVER, there are two things you need to know: 1) we keep bringing up the Borat stuff because we’re sickly obsessed with him, and 2) despite mentioning the man 2-3 times a day, we’re still not as bad as The Huffington Post. While we’re taking solace in that, enjoy this clip from Conan O’Brien. Borat + Conan + a live keytar battle makes this video impossible not to post. Sorry. We just can’t help ourselves.
Video via Stereogum
1. In what can only be described as a miracle of human prevailment, this low-budget little comedy about an earnest Kazakhi reporter lost in America was able to defeat the Box Office Goliath of the long-awaited third installment of the Santa Clause franchise, which has added the magnetic star power of Martin Short dressed as some sort of magical ice wizard-elf. Of course, we’ll take complete credit for this victory considering our relentless pimping of Borat, for which we received no compensation of any sort, over the last few months. Jagemesh! – $26.4 million
2. Only one word accurately describes how I feel about this movie: No. – $20 million
3. Now that they’ve literally taken CGI cartoons into the sewers, Hollywood has conclusively proven that there is literally no scenario involving animated animals who talk and sound like celebrities that audiences are not willing to shell out for. In fact, looks out next summer for Maggots, the heartwarming adventure of a maggot named Marvin who must find rotting meat to save his starving village under the dumpster behind a 7-11. He makes a lot of friends along the way, and even learns a thing or two – $19.1 million
4. I’m actually surprised this didn’t do better business, what with all the word of mouth on how original and entertaining it is – $15.5 million
5. There’s already a spot in my DVD collection, between Goodfellas and Casino, where this movie will one day find its final resting place – $8 million
Memo to celebs: If you plan on going down on some dude in a van, just assume you are being recorded — or take your mic off. Most of you are probably getting this memo in time, but unfortunately we may have been to late when it comes to Scarlett Johansson. According to some anonymous creephound, the busty actress (whom he refuses to name but alludes to) left her mic on while visiting a gentleman texter in his car. Creephound continues recording, and while we’re not going to get into details, let’s just say he claims to have 12 minutes and 47 seconds of audio featuring the actress, well… let’s just say she’s not running her lines. This is one of two things: Either, it’s greatest hoax of the year; or, the greatest thing to happen to celebrity sex tapes… maybe ever?
Wondering where you can hear it, you filthy soul? Take it easy — the tape hasn’t been released yet, and is being held hostage until someone plunks down a hefty wad of change. Which is suspicious to us. We checked, and Scarjo-Gives-A-Blojo.com is still totes avail. So, how much would you be willing to pay to hear such a tape?
- “For the level of condition that I have now, that was without a doubt the hardest physical thing I have ever done. I never felt a point where I hit the wall, it was really a gradual progression of fatigue and soreness.” -Lance Armstrong, on either running yesterday’s NYC marathon or having sex with Sheryl Crow.
- Britney Spears is putting hubby K-Fed on a diet to help him lose the sympathy weight he gained while the pop star was pregnant. Kevin plans on knocking the bitch up again ASAP to make sure this doesn’t happen.
- Rod Stewart has given his blessing to his daughter Kim’s new breast implants. It’s unclear as to whether holy water was prominently involved.
- Mick Jagger has inspired Meat Loaf to hit the gym and get in shape. That was, of course, until Keith Richards inspired him to forget about the gym and just do a ton of heroin instead.
- Doogie Howser came out over the weekend as a content gay man. Vinne Delpino, however, is still deep in the closet.
It’s Best Night Ever for Sunday, November 5th! Michael is here to walk you through the best of Sunday night tv, including The Simpsons, Desperate Housewives, Breaking Bonaduce, and Celebrity Paranormal!
Get more from Michael at his blog, Perpetually Nauseous.
- Our favorite and last remaining Hollywood couple, Reese Witherspoon and Ryan Phillippe, called it quits. And in a completely related story, Phillippe is now loaded.
- We subjected ourselves to both an entire article written by K-Fed, and his entire album. We keep checking our mailboxes for Purple Hearts, and nothing.
- Bob Barker announces his retirement, and we remember the top 10 things we love about the man. (Note, his groin is not on the list.)
- Kanye West says something stupid, and the world continues to pay attention.
- Elisabeth Hasselbeck says something stupid, and the world continues to pay attention.
- And finally, let’s relive all of those moments when Jared Leto didn’t fully arouse — we mean annoy — us.
Tune into Best Week Ever tonight @11 and all weekend long to find out what else you missed!
…but rape on The Young & the Restless sure is! This dude has to be the best looking sexual predator pirate in history.