Beating Grieving A Dead Horse: Barbaro Passes On

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Barbaro, the Kentucky Derby winner that captured the hearts of 9-year-old girls and… well, I’m not sure who else, but a whole lot of people seemed to love that damn horse– was euthanized today at the tender age of 3 1/2. Since I’m a normal guy who’s never been emotionally attached to a horse, I’m probably not the best person to eulogize Barbaro on the Best Week Ever blog. Instead, I’ll leave it to the random horse lover who made this touching YouTube tribute a couple of days ago. It says it all. Listen to your heart people… listen to your heart.

For more Barbaro memories, head over to Deadspin. They’ve been waiting for this day for a while.

Tyra Banks Uses Massive Cameltoe To Distract From Massive Ass

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tyra people.jpgRemember when those less-than-flattering photographs of a surprisingly hefty Tyra Banks hit the internet a couple of weeks ago and everybody had a good time cracking jokes like, “Look- it’s America’s Next Top Eater!” and “Wow, Tyra really does want to be just like Oprah”? Well, Tyra remembers. That’s why she’ll be appearing on the cover of People magazine alongside the headline “You Call This Fat?” this week. Tyra’s using this opportunity to fire back at all the evil people in the world (read: bloggers) who made fun of her for gaining weight, which is… interesting.

Sure, Tyra produces a show where former supermodels and current fashion designers sit in a straight line to judge and criticize girls based on their looks and some might say it’s a little hypocritical that Tyra is so quick to get defensive when it comes to her own appearance. Sure. We could make a big deal about that if we wanted to. But we’re not. Instead, we’re going to stare at Tyra’s cameltoe in these new People pics and wonder whose grandmother Tyra borrowed this bathing suit from. That’s the real issue, people.

SIZZLER: Hilary Duff Thinks She Has What It Takes To Fill Lindsay Lohan’s Drunken Manolo Blahniks

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duffdrunk.jpgNow that our most adequite source of drunken celebrity hijinx is tucked away in the rehabilitative safety of Wonderland Recovery Center and Amusement Park, there’s an open spot in the starting lineup of Team Poptard, and someone is going to have to step up to the plate. Could Hilary Duff be that person? Let’s look at her scouting report:

Hilary — who has been single since splitting in November from Good Charlotte rocker Joel Madden (he’s currently dating Nicole Richie) — arrived arm-in-arm with her sis’ a little after 11 p.m., looking tipsy.

“She was pretty drunk and staggering around the bathroom, bumping into people and shrieking that her gay male friend had a vagina so it was okay for him to be there.”

The sisters continued to party Paris Hilton-style throughout the night at a VIP table, where our source says they were “all over” their two man-dates.

Let’s see: talentless doucherocker ex-boyfriend? Check. Feud with other poptard because of aforementioned ex-boyfriend? Check. Turning club bathroom into a Baghdad-esque war zone? Check. Acting like a whore in public? Aaaand check. Well, she really seems to have all the skills necessary to take herself straight to the bottom. In the race to see who will become America’s Next Top Celebrity Embarassment, Hilary is definitely our horse (and not because she looks like one).

Scott Storch’s Gucci Frames Are Not Fooling Anyone

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STORCH.JPGTo be honest with you, we have very little idea what or who Scott Storch is. Everytime we see his picture, he sort of reminds us of a little boy with cancer, whose parents have dressed him up in designer duds so that he may enjoy his last year on the planet. Only, it’s worse, as Scott Storch in general gives us the creeps (see, left). And according to an item in today’s Page Six, we’re not alone:

SCOTT Storch is a hot record producer, but some of his lady friends are cold. Storch had a birthday party for himself last month in Miami at the nightclub Mansion. A friend tells us, “He’s upset that none of his famous female friends – Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan or Britney Spears – bothered to show up. And he even gave Lindsay $1 million in diamonds over New Year’s!

Ohhhh, now we get it: Scott Storch is the rich dork who went to your high school, the guy who tried to buy his way into the cool circles, but could only get so far because he looked like a little kid with cancer. We all had that kid in our school, the one who would throw their birthday party on a three-day cruise to the Bahamas, only to have the jocks try to drown him in the Atlantic Ocean. Do we even need to mention that the three no-shows are all battling their own personal issues right now? Linds is in rehab, Brit is neglecting her babies and Paris is doing accidental pornography damage control? Scott Storch has nightmare stink lines coming off him, and we don’t like it. Now, for our own sanity, we swear to not report anything on this moonfaced poser for at least a week.

CINEMA’S GOLDEN AGE: Epic Failure

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epicterrible.jpg1. Watching this movie is the Hollywood version of looking at a scrapbook of the worst, most embarassing moments of your life, and both feature some guy who isn’t Borat going “Niiiiice” – $19.2 million

2. Never heard of this movie until I watched the trailer just now. Jeremy Piven coked out of his mind in a hotel suite in Vegas? Is this a documentary? – $14.3 million

3. It just occurred to me that this movie is pretty much a big budg rip-off of Mannequin (which is an excellent piece of cinema) – $9.5 million

4. Fishing can be a metaphor for dating. There, you’ve seen the whole movie$8 million

5. You know what? I think I WILL go stomp my yard. Right now – $7.8 million

Yet More Proof That Dick Cheney is a Cyborg

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You’ve heard it before, but David Letterman offers up some proof: Dick Cheney seriously might not be human. That, or Nancy Pelosi just had her eyes done. Judge for yourself in the following segment, “Dick Cheney vs. Nancy Pelosi: The Blink-Off.”

While You Were Sagging With the Guild

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  • George Clooney rigidly defends his title of World’s Classiest Most Awesome Guy by denying reports that he’s been fooling about with the likes of Pammy Anderson.
  • Clay Aiken was cruising the Internets for anonymous mansex again, and Perez Hilton was there to catch him.
  • Jessica Biel flew to Sundance to hang out with Justin Timberlake over the weekend, thereby making every man, woman and Cameron Diaz in the country totally insane with jealousy.
  • Indy Car legend Al Unser Jr. was busted for DUI and leaving the scene of an accident this past weekend. After this little pit stop, Unser refueled on vodka and got right back into the race.
  • Lindsay Lohan has resumed filming on her latest movie while she’s still in rehab. Remember, step 3 in the famous people recovery program is STAY FAMOUS.

Best of the Best Week Ever: Top Zarf

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  • We are continually – hoplessly – obsessed with all things Zarf.
  • The Top Chef finale ends in shock and disappointment, nearly causing Michelle and myself to come to blows. However, after learning that one of the judges is a pot-head, the outcome is more understandable.
  • Another President Bush State of the Union classic – this time Dubya arm-wrassled Nancy Pelosi and admitted his deep love of the Baby Einstein pretty music & color videos. Also, we got hear him say “Dikembe Mutombo“.
  • The Oscar Nominations leave us feeling sad, overjoyed, angered, confused, anxious and utterly uninterested.
  • That little b*tch Dakota Fanning has got nothing on our girl Abby Breslin.
  • We found the most amazing Flea Market Commercial in the history of all mankind.