While You Were Beginning Your Long December

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  • Eddie Murphy has signed on to reprise the role of Axel Foley for a fourth Beverly Hills Cop movie. Axel’s mission will be his most difficult one yet: revive Eddie’s career.
  • Jay Leno is suing a book publisher for stealing his jokes. Apparently it was too hard for them to make their own untimely Monica Lewinsky jokes.
  • According to In Touch magazine, 68% of readers approve of the Britney Spears – Paris Hilton friendship. The other 32% work in social services.
  • Pete Doherty has been named the UK’s biggest anti-icon for consistently making headlines for all the wrong reasons. How bad is he? This is the best news he’s gotten all year.
  • The ladies of The View are standing up for Danny DeVito, insisting that he’s a fun drunk, not an alcoholic. They made the distinction based on the fact he was able to go a full 20 minutes without being anti-Semetic or calling anybody “sugartits.”

…Of The Day

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  • REALITY SHOW: With all the countless reality shows about the inane adventures of J-list pseduo-celebs, could we please get a camera on Anna Nicole? (E! Online)
  • BACHELOR PARTY: Now that his divorce from Denise Richards is official, Chuck Sheen will continue banging lots of the same whores he did when he was married. (TMZ)
  • COOKIE MONSTER: 50 Cent called Oprah an Oreo, then went to go dip himself into some milk. (Page Six)
  • GOOD NEWS FOR PEOPLE WHO HATE LAUGHING: Having achieved total domination of unfunniness on television, SNL is turning their hilarity-lacking sights towards the realm of the Internets. (TV Squad)
  • FEEL GOOD MOVIE: A documentary about man-horse sex was selected for competition in the Sundance Film Festival, and added to my own list of this year’s “must-see” movies. (Seattle Times)

SIZZLER: Jennifer Lopez Has Never Raped a Baby!***

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JLO1.JPGWe were a little surprised when we learned that Jennifer Lopez and main squeeze Skeletor attended the TomKat nuptuals in Italy a few weeks ago. (And on what planet in hell did these two celebrity couples meet-and-greet, we ask?) Well, it turns out J-Lo has been getting cozy with the Thetan-free twosome, and has started practicing the tenets of Scientology in order to conceive her first Lil’ Lopez. And guess who’s guiding her? Why, it’s every Scientologist’s best friend and former Saved By the Bell “star” Leah Remini! Leah used Scientology to help her get pregnant, “putting the positive energy where [she] want[ed] it”… like her vagina, apparently.

Luckily, Marc Anthony has bought into another cult, Catholicism (serious JK you guys!!! We live for Catholics!), so it doesn’t look like J-Lo’s going to make the full-on conversion anytime soon… that is, until she finds Jenna Elfman hiding under her bed holding a butcher’s knife with which to cut out Xenu’s unborn fetus body living gestating inside America’s Latina Princess. Dharma’s a bitch.

***If you do not get the title reference, please read this. And, side note, congrats to Leah Remini for using a fake religion to befriend so many Hollywood A-List celebs. You don’t see Kevin James poo-pooing with Clooney anywhere, do you? Do you?!

11.30.06: The Day The Music Died

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geri haliwell.jpeg“As far as music is concerned, I feel like I’ve given it my best. When I see how desperate people are for that chance, I realize I’ve had my turn and now I have to let it go.”

And just like that a true visionary says goodbye to the world of music. Geri Halliwell– the one-time Ginger Spice and the all-time greatest– announced she is retiring from the industry. Take a moment to collect yourself.

What does this mean, you’re probably asking yourself. Well, for starters, it means the Spice Girls will not be reuniting. It means there will be no Spice World 2. It means your children’s children’s children will never experience the joy of seeing The Single Greatest Band To Come Out Of England Ever Ever ™ live in concert. And it means that Geri Halliwell will probably have her Wikipedia page deleted in 3 or 4 years after being deemed “un-noteable.”

So take a moment to tip your drink and pour some out for Geri Halliwell and the Spice Girls. Because today’s the day… that two… become none. Ziggy zig-ah indeed.

BREAKING: Kramer Is Actually A Literal Crazy…

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KRAMER2.JPGMichael Richardsracist “en-ger” rant has certainly made the rounds, bringing to light that the man either hates black people, has anger issues, and/or might be completely ess-aitch-eye-tee eating crazy (censors, folks.) Well according to this blurb over at Radio Ink, the man formerly loved as Kramer:

Simpsons producer Sam Simon told Howard Stern that Richards’ racist rant at an LA comedy club was a public demonstration of what TV insiders have known for years – that Richards is prone to bizarre, temperamental behavior.

Richards, according to Simon, threatened the life of Spike Feresten, creator of The Michael Richards Show. Simon said that Richards told Feresten, “I have a gun. I’m going to kill you, and I’ll do the time.” …And Richards was once found, according to Simon, in a corner of a soundstage, weeping uncontrollably.

Threatening the life of our most beloved (only) late night Fox talk show host/former Seinfeld writer Spike Feresten?!?! Now we know that bastard’s innn-SANE (spoken like Elaine Benes). At least it hasn’t affected sales of the Season 7 DVD!

After the jump, check out Kramer’s younger, kinder days, which were limited to stalking a flaxen-haired Ed Begley Jr.

Read more…

Britney’s First Poor Marriage Decision Adorably Lapping Up Last Drops of His Own Relevance

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jalexander.JPGJason Alexander (not Costanza, but the trashball who was married to a pop star for a few hours) was sapping off of Britney Spears back when K-Fed was still doing the Roger Rabbit onstage as a 98 Degrees backup dancer. And now, during Britney’s time of post-marital vagina-exposing crisis, apropos of nothing, Mr. Alexander is bursting back onto the scene to offer his underinformed opinions on matters that have next to nothing to do with him, enlightening us with approximately zero things we didn’t already know:

On K-Fed’s custody battle:
“The custody thing is to up the amount he gets from her. There is no way that he will get it. It’s all about the money.”

On Britney’s potential bi curiosity:

“She found other girls attractive, yes, but we never did anything about it. Our relationship was about us. We just weren’t together long enough for that to come up really. That’s not to say that I don’t know anything about threesomes.”

On her plastic surgery:

“She had a tummy tuck after the birth of her second child”

K-Fed’s a money-grubbing douche, Brit might kinda maybe sorta be into chicks if she was drunk (though he’s not positive – but he DOES go out of his way to let us know that he’s had a threesome before, probably in Louisiana, probably with a couple skanks who were in some way impressed by his 15 milliseconds of fame), and famous people occasionally have mild plastic surgery. With startling revelations like these, Jason should really write a book. Oh, wait:

“It’s a about a small town guy and all the crazy events that happened. It focuses on all the stuff that no one knows…It does feature our sex life. It does feature having sex with her and what that was like.”

Of course.

Zelda, Wii Have A Problem!

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WIIPROB1.JPGNintendo’s Wii, as many of you waited in line to find out, is a pretty ingenious new video game system. Using a brand new remote-style controller, you literally step into the game, swinging the device like a racquet in tennis, or pretending it’s a heavy black ball while bowling. One can finally live the dream of being on the hit 1992 game show Nickelodeon Arcade without leaving the confines of their living room…

But it seems that Wii is not all it’s cracked up to be… rather, it IS cracking up television sets all across the country. The remote comes with a wristguard similar to the ones seen on cell phones, and when thrown in the heat of lazy passion, the wristguards have been snapping, sending the tiny white missiles directly into people’s television screens. A website called Wii Have a Problem has been devoted to documenting the problem, chronicling broken tv’s all across the country. The good news? Maybe now people will try playing actual tennis instead. Here’s a video capturing the strap breaking and a wall denting.

CAPTION THIS! The Greasiest Duo Ever

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“Britney! Britney, look! Camera! Quick, say something about Lindsay’s vagina, it’ll be hilarious!!!”

Your turn. Leave your captions in the comments now!