HEADLINES FROM HELL: Ruben Studdard Starts Modeling Agency

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RUBEN.JPGWhat do you do when you’re the morbidly obese fake winner of a reality show, and you’re sick and tired of being upstaged in your seemingly inexistant music videos by the skinny struggling dancers grinding all up in your grill? Why, you start a modeling agency for fat people naturally. This is exactly the tactic being used by the Ruben “Like the Sandwich” Studdard, who is probably sick and physically tired that fat people aren’t featured as back-up dancers in more music videos. We think he might be on to something… his vids would be much more believable if instead of some beautiful unknown actress pretending to sleep with him, it was instead the always lovely Kathy Bates. That being said, Ruben Studdard’s Modeling Agency is simply shrieking “reality show hit!”

Going further with this idea, we would absolutely love to see Clay Aiken start a modeling agency for really, really ladylike, creeptown closet-gay guys, with which to surround himself in his vids as an attempt to butch the bitch up a crotch.

BWE: Celebs Go X-Mas Shopping For Britney

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BWE.tv made the long 1-block trek over to Rockefeller Center Wednesday night for the 74th annual Christmas tree lighting extravaganza. FYI, our definition of “extravaganza” is “any event that has John Legend, Al Roker, Denise Van Outen and Billy Bush on hand.” We’re weird. Anyway, our Question Man used this opportunity to ask them all a very serious question: What would you get Britney Spears for Christmas?

Today’s Blog Posts Are Tomorrow’s Law & Orders

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Having already tackled Tom Cruise K-Fed, and Mel Gibson, this week the blog-reading writers of Law & Order turned their lack of imagination towards the Lonelygirl15 phenomenon by having Michelle Trachtenberg portray a young girl who appears in a series of mysterious – possibly dangerous! – viral videos. Who needs creativity when you can just xerox the latest pop culture news, change the names and faces, and call it “topical TV”? In an experiment to see how difficult this really must be, we’re going to take this week’s big stories from our blog, and try to spin them into compelling Law & Order episodes. Let us know what you think:

BWE.tv POST: Britney’s Vagina Awareness Campaign
L&O EPISODE: “Flash Photography”
PLOT SUMMARY: When a paparazzi is trampled to death while trying to get a close-up shot of a superstar’s genitals for the 8th consecutive night, the Detectives must determine weather a starlet’s vagina can be formally charged with involuntary manslaughter.

BWE.tv POST: Kid Rock & Pam Anderson Divorce
L&O EPISODE: “Rich White Trash”
PLOT SUMMARY: When the body of a has-been rap-rocker is found dead on a boat, surrounded by empty Budweiser cans and White Castle boxes, the Detectives must track down the person responsible – and all roads seem to lead back to two very suffocating breasts.

Read more…

BWE REVIEWS: DREAMGIRLS! And I Am Telling You, You Must See It

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DREAMGIRLZ.JPGDreamgirls, the new movie musical directed by Kinsey‘s Bill Condon, has been attracting a lot of attention thanks to its glitzy cast and $25 price tag (temporarily at least). So when the opportunity arose to catch a sneak preview, we tucked our $25 money orders back into our diamond-encrusted bras and jumped at the chance. Our verdict: If the salt-water-stains on our silken robes tell you anything, it is AMAZING. Yes, certain parts are cheesy and over-the-top (there’s a Jackson 5 montage that will force some cringe eating) and sure, Jamie Foxx‘s singing voice is about as pleasant as a balloon slowly farting across a room, but people: There is so much to love!

After the jump, an informal review, an informal music video, and an informal poll: Will you be seeing Dreamgirls?

Read more…

LISTEN UP: One Fish, Two Fish, More Fish, New Fish

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  • If you don’t already own the masterpiece that is Ghostface Killah’s Fishscale, go buy that sh*t immediately. Then head over to Gorilla vs Bear and grab the first track from the sequel album More Fish.
  • The Fishtank Lush has some rare blood-soaked blues from a circa-1970′s Howlin’ Wolf studio session in London.
  • Over at A Test Pilot, Beck gets into the Christmas Spirt in his own Scientological way with “Little Drum Machine Boy”.
  • *Sixeyes baits his hook with a new Of Montreal track. We’ll bite.
  • Ain’t nothin’ fishy about the Friday round-up over at MOKB, who drops off new stuff from The Earlies, Nas, and that Ghostface Killah we like so much.

Opie And Anthony Provide You With The Sickest Video You’ll See All Day

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This morning I awoke to a bunch of screaming men in my bedroom.

No, that’s not the first sentence of my new suspense novel (or erotic short). It’s the truth, and the result of having my radio alarm clock set to WFNY. Shock jocks O&A held an eggnog drinking competition this morning, with the winner throwing back 75 double shots of the ‘nog. To make things more interesting, an intern agreed to hang his head over a garbage can and let somebody throw up on his face if they felt the need. I don’t want to ruin the ending for you, but… it happens and it’s gross. And hilarious. You’ve been warned.

Link via Gorillamask

SIZZLER: How Rude Indeed

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sweetin_tmz_1201_275.jpgOne of our favorite online activities is heading over to TMZ to find out which celebrities were denied entry to the world blog-famous nightclub Hyde the night before. Tara Reid, Tila Tequila, Bobby Brown– they’ve all been shunned by the cool kids who control the velvet rope. Well, last night they added another victim to the list: Stephanie Tanner.

Watch the video here. Poor Steph– as if growing up a middle child in a house full of bad jokes and mullets wasn’t bad enough. Adding insult to injury, later that night Kimmy Gibler and her entourage were ushered right in past the velvet rope. And I don’t even want to get into what Uncle Joey was doing to Aunt Becky in the VIP room while Jessie was out of town with The Rippers. The man had no mercy whatsoever.

The Most Viral Videos Of All Time

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The other day we mentioned that somebody made a list of the top ten viral videos ever (ever being 2000 – present). Somehow, that clip of the girl and a horse that your friend sent to you in college didn’t make the cut. Well, today the folks at MSNBC were kind enough to add videos. Anyway, here they are… along with our personal favorite below
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The Office: Someday We’ll Find It, the Ainbow-Ray Onnection-Kay

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JIMOFFICE1.JPGMaybe it’s the fact that it’s been two weeks since the last new episode, or maybe it’s that the 10-hour season 2 Thanksgiving marathon we subjected friends and family to made us yearn for some new moments. But last night’s episode of The Office, “The Convict” — written by the UK Office creators Ricky Gervais and Stephen Merchant — reached into our chest Mortal-Kombat-style, ripped out our heart, and proceeded to tickle it with a comically long feather for its entire 22 minute runtime. Michael and Co. learn that one of the Stamford branch employees is actually an ex-con… and it just happens to be the “black guy.” The reality that the ex-con happens to be African-American is way too much for Michael to handle — going out of his way to prove that blacks are stand-up citizens in the community. We’re sure Danny Glover is super-psyched that the tooliest boss on TV holds him in higher regard than Pam’s Dad and/or Justin Timberlake. Once the Dunderlings learn how awesome the freedoms of prison sound compared to their dreary day jobs, Michael throws on his favorite do-rag (it’s purple) in order to prove how working at a paper company beats being someone’s prison bitch any day of the week. (And his singling out of Ryan as his “Belle of the Ball” may have provided our biggest laugh.)

But perhaps the most exciting thing? Looks like the Pam/Jim chemistry has been swirled around in the angst beaker just long enough for the sparks to start flying again. The hilarious Andy asks Jim for the inside info on how to score with Pam, only to learn exactly how NOT to (frolf tournies, Pig Latin, etc.) Fans of Jim reaction shots had much to squeal over, as there were roughly 2,316 of them (though the slow spin around/quick glance shot was the best), and it seems pretty obvious that even though Jim’s dating Karen, Pam will be back in his lanky arms within a couple of months (or maybe sooner?!?!?!) Dare we say it…. we might be Team Pam again.

NBC will spend the next week or so teasing you with deleted scenes. Two are up now — and for those missing Dwight in last night’s episode, it’s a nice consolation prize — and more will pop up over the week. What’d you guys think of the episode?

Lohan Still “Drivin’ That Train, High On Cocaine”

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lohantoplessfinger.jpgPhew. Just yesterday we were fearing for our livelihood after reading a report that Lindsay Lohan was making an uncharacteristic foray into the world of good decisions by attending AA meetings to get her problems with alcohol under control. But today is a new day, and it would now seem that last night’s bad dreams of no longer being able to put food on the table have come to a miraculous end with this item in Page Six recounting the latest Cristal-fueled public indignities of the tempestuous tartlet. This tour-de-force performance at the GQ Men of the Year Dinner has all the elements of a Lohan classic – starting an inane feud with another actress who utterly doesn’t care, drunkenly hitting on Leonardo DiCaprio (and getting laughed off, then settling for some face-sucking with Jackass Knoxville), being humiliated by her own mother, and the real kicker, causing Will Ferrell to make a snide remark that wasn’t even a joke:

Overhearing her tirade about Biel’s assistant, Will Ferrell turned to DiCaprio, Gore and Affleck and said, “Who cares about that freak anymore, anyway?” – setting off laughter.


Yowzers. Alienating Will Farrell!?!? That’s one embarassing meltdown away from Jay Leno calling you a “worthless tw*t”.