Remove Fergie From Your Brain, Once And For All

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davies-fergie-sm.jpgThe folks at Collegehumor have finally figured out a way to help you get that damn Fergie song out of your head. Which Fergie song? Um, does it really matter?

Though she is an atrocious songwriter and barely a woman, Fergie knows how to do one thing very, very well: get a song stuck in your head. From ‘London Bridge’ to ‘Fergalious,’ her trash beats and imbecile lyrics get caught in your brain and bounce around for days – sometimes weeks – without relenting. Thankfully, we’ve devised a clever way to get that Fergie song out of conscious mind and into the cold, dark place where you keep the memories of that scouting trip back in ’94.

So do you need the key to enlightenment? Click here. Or you can live the rest of your life humming “How come every time you come around…” That’s your call, pal.

ICYMI: Sienna Miller Grossly Underestimates the Food Storage Capabilities of Leno’s Huge Chin

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Being a famous A-list actress despite only having appeared in like two movies, Sienna Miller seemed pretty sure of her abilities to fit large amounts of things into her mouth when she laid down her grape-eating challenge on last night’s Tonight Show. However, even the most hard-working starlet is no match for the mouth-storing abilties of Jay Leno and his famously ginormous chin. Dude could get a whole grape TREE in his chin. His chin could feed acorns to a family of squirrels for an entire winter. They should sell his chin as a storage solution at The Container Store. Anyway, this is funny:

So This Is Why Everybody Hates New York?

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I’d like to take a moment to make a quick request to the producers of American Idol: I understand that a guy like Ian Bernado is a hilarious cariacture and therefore makes for good television, but in the future could you please restrain from billing him as “the ultimate New Yorker.” There’s still a little of that post-9/11 sympathy coming our way, we wouldn’t want anything to screw that up. Our friends at Gawker captured The Ultimate New Yorker video and posted it. That probably doesn’t help. But hey, I guess if you can’t laugh at yourself…

So what do you think? Best AI contestant since William Hung or what?

Top Chef: Mock, Shock and Two Smoking A-Holes

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ILIA2.JPGWe’ve spent the last few months coming to the defense of Marcel, the dorky, high-haired culinary foam-frother who has been compared to everyone from Wolverine to an Oompa Loompa. Then, a few weeks ago, he let off some steam by freestyling some rap beats that made us want to crawl in a hole and die from shame. Still, we got over it, and it seemed the harassment from his fellow contestants hit its peak last week when Cliff wrastled him to the ground in some sort of military attempt to shave the guy’s head, and was thrown off the show.

Well comeuppance is a true revengeful whore, and yesterday was her debutante’s ball. In part 1 of the Top Chef finale, the four remaining chefs (Marcel, Sam, Ilan and a jerry-curled Ilia) were flown to Hawaii to compete for the remaining to showdown slots. And even after the “Cliff incident” (referring to last week’s episode and not the notorious Cheers episode where our favorite mailman has relations with Carla and then blacks out), Sam, Ilia and Ilan still seem out for Marcel’s blood. The challenge requires them to whip up some traditional Hawaiian dishes with a twist, which they do; though, leave it to Ilan to turn it Spanish.

Now, we have it on good authority that Ilan is actually a nice, funny guy in real life. But the editors of Top Chef don’t do him any favors in the “humongoid a-hole” department, and we can’t help but hate his arrogance. When the judges gather to deliberate, Ilan is overheard egging the once-adored-now-despised Ilia into accusing Marcel of cheating. We though we’d heard wrong: cheating? Did we miss something while deep frying a Lean Pocket over commercial break? Turns out we didn’t: these two were looking for any way possible to stay in the game, even if it came down to bogus cheating accusations. And hey? Remember when we used to love Sam and his quiet dignity? Well, his backstabbing sh*t-stirring went too far yesterday, and we scratched him off our list. We had no idea the judges were planning on doing the same.

Read more…

While You Were Packing Up Your Knives and Leaving

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  • It’s not so much that Tyra Banks looks heavy for 161 pounds, as she so proudly declares on her People cover… but her facial expression is giving us day-mares.
  • This is weird: John Mayer has nothing to talk about with Jessica Simpson. Please, God, tell us this relationship is not for show. IS LOVE DEAD?!
  • You know what we would really love to see? Anne Heche‘s jilted husband on The Ellen DeGeneres Show next week. They probs have lots to chat about.
  • Eva Longoria and fiance Tony Parker will be wedded on July 7, 2007 (7/7/7), as Parker thinks the number 7 is lucky. The wedding will be officiated by a wizard wearing a smock of four-leaf clovers and horseshoes. Parker really wants this marriage to work out.
  • Finally, check out Kirsten Dunst‘s new film Slutspree 2007, starring Adrian Grenier and Fabrizio Moretti.

Best Night Ever for Wednesday, January 24th!

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It’s the Best Night Ever for Wednesday, January 24th! Shea Hess is here to walk you through the best moments of Wednesday night tv, including: American Idol, Armed and Famous, Beauty and the Geek, and [because Oprah’s genes are the basis of all human life] Oprah’s Roots!

…OF THE DAY

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  • EXPLANATION: Failing to even mention New Orleans or Katrina in last night’s State of the Union Address, President Bush clearly still doesn’t care about black people, but he did reveal his secret weapon for drafting foreign policy and learning to correctly pronounce the word “entrepreneur”: Baby Einstein. (Click video at right to play)
  • INSULT: Responding to an ad in which K-Fed plays a fast food employee, actual fast food employees take offense to being associated with that kind of trash. (People)
  • INTERVENTION: Speaking of, K-Fed is reportedly begging Britney Spears to go to rehab. If that’s not a rock bottom, I’m not sure what is. (The Scoop)
  • ADDITION TO MY WISHLIST: The autobiography of Scott Baio, entitled (and I’m not making this up) BaioWatch: How I Dated and Loved Hollywood’s Most Beautiful Women and Ended Up Alone. (RADAR)
  • TRAVEL SOLUTION: What better way to guard your valuables than keep them hidden in underwear with fake skidmarks? That’s what I do. (Boing Boing)
  • AFTERTHOUGHT: Oh yeah, singer Brandy killed someone. (TMZ)

BWE Exclusive: Breslin v. Fanning, Showdown of the Ages!

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They’re cute, they’re small, they’re constantly compared to one another… they’re Abigail Breslin and Dakota Fanning. Both are making headlines this week: Breslin for her Oscar nomination as Supporting Actress in Little Miss Sunshine, and Fanning for her rape scene in the upcoming movie Hounddog. But who of the two would win in a showdown matching up their careers and personality? We put them to the test with a little game we’re calling “Breslin v. Fanning: Showdown of the Ages.”

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UNEMPLOYMENT CHECK: Global Warming Can’t Come Soon Enough

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Okay, my turn. As much as I’d love to put this “Queen” in a “Half Nelson”, instead I’m going to write a “Letter” in the “Pursuit” of getting “Little Miss Sunshine” to stop “Babel”ing. He strikes me as the type who’s into “Little Children.”

Actually, I take everything back. I get it now. This is fun.

SIZZLER: Latest Scandalous “Paris Site” Confirms Everything We Already Knew About Paris Hilton

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Even though the majority of us could draw every nuance of every crevice of Paris Hilton’s “private parts” in our sleep, an entreprenurial new website called ParisExposed.com is peddling the wares and underwears recovered from the unpaid storage unit of America’s least mysterious poptard. Our freinds over at Radar took one for the team and paid the absurd 40 dollars required to gain access to SHOCKING, SCANDALOUS content such as Paris kissing a girl, Paris’ boobs, Paris’ boobs being held by Girls Gone Wild creator Joe Francis, and my personal favorite, a bunch of blow poured out all over some meathead’s chest (Andy Dick’s wildest fantasy come true!). So there you have it – sift through a little of Paris’ trashy trash and have your minds blown by all the documented evidence suggesting that she’s kind of slutty and stupid.