CAPTION THIS! I Immediately Regret This Decision

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And suddenly, the Goo Goo Dolls poster on your wall and the Toad The Wet Sprocket CDs in your collection don’t seem nearly as embarrassing, do they?

You can leave your captions in the comments, but I have a bigger concern that needs to be addressed here. Ladies: if you’re hooking up with a guy and he takes off his shirt to reveal a giant tattoo of Adam Duritz from the Counting Crows, how do you react? Seriously. I need to know.

Link via Collegehumor

Project Runway: Something Looks Unseamly

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JEFFSDRESS.JPGLast night was the first half of the always dramatic Project Runway finale, and those of you smart enough to actually skip over spoilers got something of a controversial surprise towards the end. We always love when Tim Gunn visits each designer’s home to opine on their collections and spend time with the famillies (Tim Gunn + Turtle Poop = Billion-dollar Comedy Franchise). Yesterday proved that we might have the wealthiest finalists yet – from Laura‘s huge New York loft/Discovery Zone (“Do places like that exist?” we wondered from the bottom of an Ikea-furnished well) to Michael‘s cozy Atlanta abode to Uli‘s beach retreat and Jeff‘s lovely L.A. townhouse.

But we’re here for the clothes. And while photos surfaced from the Olympus Fashion Week runway shows a few weeks ago, our opinions changed last night upon seeing the garments up close. Laura’s collection delivered no new surprises, other than that hideous green ruffle-coat that belonged on the mother-of-the-bride at some Renaissance Wedding somewhere. The grey-sequined-gown/yellow-belt dress remained the definition of elegance. Uli’s dresses looked less fabulous on the hangers than on the models, and poor, sweet “Braceface” (as Michael insisted he be called) really missed the boat entirely, with a collection better suited for Beyonce at the gynecologist than the real world.

After the jump, our thoughts on the Laura/Jeffrey debacle… and we want to know what you think!

Read more…

SIZZLER: Mickey’s Choo Choo

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goofy minnie.jpgIt looks like Screech isn’t the only celebrity with a sex tape coming out soon.

Some employees over at Disneyland Paris, dressed in full Mickey, Minnie, Goofy, etc. attire, shot a smutty video involving our favorite childhood characters and leaked it onto YouTube. The video has already been pulled, however this article describes a few of the acts: Goofy groping Minnie, Minnie nailing a snowman, Mickey engaging in a threeway– it’s all there. At no point, though, does Mickey stick his finger where the sun don’t shine and then rub it under Minnie’s nose… Screech has cornered the market on that.

Now, while some people may be shocked by this video or by the actions of the Disneyland employees who made it, I think it was a long time coming. When you look at the list of movies that Mickey and Minnie have appeared in, it’s easy to see how this could’ve happened. Just look at these titles.

Mickey’s Steamroller
Barnyard Olympics
The Plowboy
Puppy Love
Bath Day
The Delivery Boy
Mickey’s Choo Choo
Mickey Down Under
Steamboat Willie
Mickey & The Seal
Crazy Over Daisy
Two-Gun Mickey
The Fox Hunt
When The Cat’s Away
Mickey’s Man Friday
Mickey’s Amateurs
Tugboat Mickey
Mickey Plays Papa
Jungle Rhythm
Just Mickey

There’s something for everybody in there. Me, I think I’m going to go out and rent Mickey’s Amateurs tonight. Because the amatuers aren’t nearly as weathered or jaded as the other Disney stars. You know what I’m talking about.

PROPPED: Grind House Preview Action Enema

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If you’re feeling a little sluggish this morning, skip the double mochaccino, turn your volume up, bend over, and prepare to be f*cked by all the sound and fury of this preview trailer for Grind House, the upcoming collaboration between Robert Rodriguez and Quentin Tarantino. Once your ears stop ringing, you can thank reader Fasthack for dropping this.

While You Were Freaking Out

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  • K-Fed, possibly worrying about maintaining his Gamma Male dominance while on tour to support his ill-fated album, has forbidden Britney from hiring any male back-up dancers, lest one of them take a page from his own gold-digging playbook and insemintate their way to fame and fortune.
  • Anna Nicole Smith’s lawyer has dropped his client, saying he completely supports the embattled bombshell, but he just received a call from Satan, who’s apparently been picked up on DUI charges (again).
  • Nicole Kidman reportedly helped calm Katie Holmes’ pre-wedding jitters, softly cooing to her, “Don’t worry sweetie. I know he’s weird, but at least you’ll never have to have sex with him.”
  • The Simpson Sisters are warning people about the dangers of plastic surgery, which is pretty much the equivalent of Mel Gibson telling you not to drink and drive.
  • Dear Sienna Miller: When in “Shittsburgh”, do as the “Shittsburghers” do. Do NOT stomp your feet and pull a “Do you know who I am?”

…OF THE DAY

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  • FORESHADOWING ARTICLE: The more details coming out of this afternoon’s NYC plane crash, which may have killed Yankees pitcher Cory Lidle, the more strange and upsetting it becomes. This article, documenting Lidle’s pursuit of a pilot’s license, rings all the more tragic today. (NY Times)
  • FATHER: As if David Bowie could get any cooler, he’s now going to voice a character on SpongeBob SquarePants. Ooohhh, James Dobson is not going to like this at all. (Assoc. Press)
  • LOGICAL CONCLOOZH: Mischa Barton loves British food. Which is yet more proof that Mischa Barton has no idea what actual food tastes like. (FemaleFirst)
  • HOT COUPLE: Bangs, Shmangs, Rosario Dawson and Jason Lewis are still the hottest couple around! (Looking at floor, picking lint off shirt, scratching face.) FINE Herbangslookterrible. (Splash News)
  • BANNED VIDEO: Sure, Youtube is great and worth billions of dollars and all. But post one small, innocent music video called “My P**sy is Magic”, and see how fast those rich bastards take it down. (The Apiary)

PSA: Honk If You Love Fonzie

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Parents out there, stop reading gossip blogs for a second, call your children into the room, and please, show them this Public Service Announcement where Arthur “The Fonz” Fonzarelli and some Kind of Insane Lady show the lil’ ones how to “Honk” when they need help. And they certainly will get help… likely from the special ed teachers.

Screech Sex Tape Comes at a Bad Time

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ScreechTape4real.JPG(Excuse us while we open our NSFW-brellas. Fair warning.)

Just when we get word that airplanes are back to slamming into New York City buildings, yet another piece of shocking news arrives: Screech’s Sex Tape is now FOR SALE. The tape, called Screeched (surely an onomatopoeia for your sex drive slamming on its brakes) features actor Dustin Diamond (top left), two young ladies (including a Mindy Cohn lookalike, bottom left), and one infamous doody-stache. All this for only $50! You can pre-order the DVD today and worry about acid rinsing your eye sockets out tomorrow.

So without further a-doo, check out the latest trailer posted by ClubRedLight, and putting aside the “not safe for work” business, Screech’s pleasure moans might possibly ruin the rest of your afternoon.

THE DAILY DOUCHE: Johnny Drama’s Darth AmEx

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tove2.jpgI’m sure you’ve never heard of either Tove Christensen or an American Express Black card, but let me tell you a tale of these two entities, and how their fates recently became intertwined at a LA-area Baskin-Robbins ice cream parlor. Tove is the under-employed brother of actor Hayden Christensen, who is best known as one of George Lucas’ accomplices in ruining Star Wars. The American Express Black card is an extremely rare piece of plastic that boasts a LIMITLESS line of credit to those who bear it, a privilege usually reserved for only the world’s wealthiest, most elite individuals. Well according to our friends at TMZ, Hayden’s “Johnny Drama” hanger-on brother recently paid for a frozen dessert at Baskin-Robbins with said Super Credit Card. Now, I’ve felt guilty about throwing a four dollar Frappelatteccino on my maxed-out Discover Card, so anyone who would put a chocolate sundae on a credit card they have no business being in possession of, and that people typically use to purchase private jets and small islands, deserves the distinction of being today’s Daily Douche.