George Bush Is Over The Top, Stallone Style

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I missed the State Of The Union address last night (not because I had something better to do, but because I’ve given up), so I’m just going to have to comment on what I see here instead of basing it on any “facts” or any “research” that I’ve done.

I commend George W. for challenging Nancy Pelosi to an Over The Top-esque arm wrestling competition in order to test out whether she has what it takes to be the first female Speaker of the House. Sure, it’s a little bit shady that W. was holding onto the desk for leverage, but with the way his popularity has dipped recently you can’t blame the man for trying to gain any possible advantage he can get, can you? Of course not.

After scouring through a few political blogs and newspapers I can’t seem to find any definitive answer as to who won the bout. All I learned is that Pelosi blinked a lot, it put John McCain to sleep and Dikembe Mutombo got winner. If anybody can tell me who won The State of the Union, I’d really appreciate it.

Politics are so much more fun when you don’t really pay attention.

ICYMI: Drunk Nolte Is the Sundance Kid

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The following audio recording of a HOUSED Nick Nolte at the Sundance Film Festival sounds kind of like a retarded polar bear that just got shot with a tranq dart, and it…is…amazing. You can keep your Mel Gibsons and Paula Abduls, because nobody does incoherent intoxication like Nolte. The man is a master. (recording via The Hamish and Andy Show)

We Don’t Like The Road Penny Lane Is Taking

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Last year’s Kate Hudson / Chris Robinson break-up affected us more than we could’ve predicted. Yes, we were well aware that Kate was physically superior and could probably land a better looking guy, but c’mon. He wrote “She Talks To Angels.” He earned her. We were also a bit worried that after they broke up Kate would make like her character Penny Lane and bounce around from rock star to rock star (you know the saying: Once you go Black Crowes you never go back… yo?) Sadly, it looks like we were right. According to Life & Style Weekly, Kate was spotted kissing and holding hands with the lead singer of Jet. And while yes, he may be a little better looking than Chris, we’re afraid that this is a step in the wrong direction musically. If she continues down this path, who knows who will come next. The guy from Train? A Baha Man? Hootie? We don’t even want to think about it. This whole thing is too hard to handle.
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TRAILER MIX: Even Stoned, This Will Suck

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If you haven’t heard of the new movie Smiley Face, here’s the fastest way to explain it: It’s Dazed and Confused Minus All The Funny Parts and Ben Affleck. In fact, after watching this trailer, we’re still not really sure what this movie is about. Is it about a girl who gets high, goes broke, and travels? Or maybe a klutzy loveable stoner having a mid-20’s crisis? Alls we knows is, upon seeing Adam Brody in dreads and The Office‘s John Krasinski looking dreadful, we decided we hate this movie the same way we hated Follow That Bird as a child. Enjoy.

(via ONTD)

Americans Say The Stupidest Things

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After watching this video you’ll realize two things: 1) Americans really do say the stupidest things, and 2) Jay Leno and those other *wacky* man on the street comedians don’t do nearly enough to berate them when they do. Thats why it’s great to see Brian Huskey take it to the next level.

SIZZLER: Jen Will Become Prettier Than Angelina, Even If It Takes All the Plastic Surgery In the World

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jennose1.jpgHow does an independent, fabulous movie actress celebrate fake lesbian kissing one of her friends on TV for attention? According to Us Weekly, Jennifer Anistion followed up her Courtney Cox-Arquette make-out sesh with a little trip to plastic surgeon:

The actress emerged four hours later, but instead of her usual golden glow, she sported fresh black-and-blue bruises along her right eyebrow and across the tip of her nose and upper lip.

Aniston’s rep confirms the operation. “Jennifer had a procedure done to correct a deviated septum that was incorrectly done over 12 years ago,” he tells Us Weekly.

Some people enjoy a post-coital cigaratte, while others enjoy having their nose broken and face cut with a knife. It takes all kinds. Anyway, at lest she can check “busted schnozz” off her list of things she has to fix to be prettier than Angelina Jolie. Next up, pumping a bunch of cow cartilage into her lips with a tiny hose in order to achive that pillowy, sensual smile.

“Smells Like Teen Spirit” In Reverse Finally Sheds Some Light On How Kurt Cobain Really Feels

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Hey mannnnnnn, have you ever, like, played “Stairway To Heaven” backwards man? There are, like, so many satanic messages in it man. It like, completely bugs me out. That’s why this YouTube video of Nirvana’s “Smells Like Teen Spirit” in reverse is like, totally freaky. I mean, it scares the hell out of me man. Not because it reveals how tortured and bruised Kurt really was, but because it means some dude took the time to repeatedly play this in reverse and transcribe what he heard. Trippy, man.

Link via Stereogum

Drunk Rachael Ray Less Annoying Than Actual Rachel Ray

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RACHELRAY23.JPGIt’s no secret round these parts that we are not exactly fond of television host/chef/gargoyle Rachael Ray. And if you were to have asked us, the idea of hanging around with the girl drunk sounded about as pleasant as falling asleep on a bed of halogen lamps. But according to a source at TMZ (whose headline, “Racial Ray”, made us momentarily give up puns), drunk Rachel Ray is actually a serious nightmare bitch on wheels, also known as delightfully entertaining. To wit:

We’re told Ray became “extremely loud and aggressive,” and began dissing Oprah. Sources say she told the group about a portrait of Oprah that sits in the lobby of Harpo Productions in Chicago. It’s from the movie “Beloved” and shows Winfrey’s back, enhanced with scars. She’s also wearing a skirt from the slavery era. Back at the table, sources say Ray launched into attack mode: “Why is she wearing slave drag? She obviously has problems being black.”

But Oprah wasn’t Ray’s only target. Sources say she told the group how much she liked Jennifer Aniston and then called Brad Pitt a “pussy boy.” But her harshest comments were reserved for Angelina Jolie, calling her “a skanky, backdoor c**t.”

She’s Team Aniston? That so figures. Nevertheless, sounds like Ray really cuts loose on the sauce… one more Jaeger and she’d probably shoot a blow dart in the waitresses neck, rip her heart out Mortal Kombat style, and swallow it whole without batting an eyelash. We wonder what Oprah will think of all this… but considering she’s the reason I can’t turn on ABC between 10 to 11 am, maybe she actually deserves this one.