What Paul Learned From Snakes On A Plane

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soap1.jpgBWE’s Paul Scheer was one of X amount of people (X= $15.2m/avg ticket price) who saw Snakes On A Plane over the weekend. And like X people, he left with a lot more knowledge about snakes, planes, and snakes on planes than those of us who missed it.

  • Snakes are not indigenous to Hawaii.
  • Don’t leave your can of Red Bull at a crime scene.
  • Snakes can not get into 1st class.
  • Always pack a bow and arrow in luggage just in case the hero of your flight needs a weapon while he/she is in the cargo hold.
  • Rich British people are assholes.
  • The snake guy who lives in the desert is probably up to no good.
  • Snakes are attracted to breasts, specifically hot girl’s nipples.

To read what else Paul learned, click here!

FOR YOUR CONSIDERATION: Orlando Is Humid

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The Teen Choice Awards have turned out to be an endless source of amusement. So now, for your viewing pleasure, we present the award for The Dumbest Response To Winning An Award For Being Hot. And the winner is… Orlando Bloom!!!

Well, at least he still comes off better than Dane Cook. And don’t even get us started on K-Fed. Don’t even.

ICYMI: ‘Deadwood’ Gives Larry King Wood?

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This funny little Deadwood parody video from MADtv comes to us via the pervs over at Double Viking. While I’m usually not the biggest MADtv fan in the world, this sketch is pretty funny (especially if you’re at all familiar with the show it’s based on) and Larry King’s little “insights” made me chuckle more than once. Check it out, c*cks*ckers!

Britney Spears To Be Buried With Dog, Shattered Dreams

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chihuahua1.JPGAccording to K-9 Magazine (no relation to K-Fed’s Bazaar), mammarian Britney Spears wishes to spend the remainder of eternity buried next to her dog, Lucky. Spears is quoted as saying “Lucky is just so cute… she should be laid to rest with me when the time comes.” Excuse us for a moment. (LIFE DRAINING SIGH.) Sorry about that. What a fantastic idea! Britney should definitely get buried with this little chihuahua, whose life expetancy looks to be roughly 3 months. They can keep him in the mini-fridge built into K-Fed‘s favorite recliner, wrapped up in one of Sean Preston‘s diapers, for the next 65 years or so, until Britney has the honor of being buried with the frail, depressed — but adorably small — bones of a once abused dog.

We do feel bad for Britney’s other three dogs (is there such thing as middle dog syndrome?) who were put. up. for. sale. with Britney’s house in 2001. Flash forward to their burial in 8 or so years, dumped out of a wooden box next to the body of a pissed looking Mozart.

PROPPED: 10,000 Reasons Civilization Is Doomed

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coulter2.jpgAnn Coulter. Dr. Phil. Paris Hilton. Tip Jars on every counter of every establishment that serves food and drink, and the expectation that I fill said jar with cash after making a purchase. Those are just four of the 10,000 reasons our civilization is doomed, according to a website put together by six friends.

Frankly, we are tired of the fake optimism, superficiality, non-talented celebrities, doped-up athletes, dishonest and illiterate politicians, corporate thieves, wife-beaters and evangelical terrorists rampant in the world today and we decided that one way of making ourselves feel better would be to list them for all the world to see and to add upon.

So head on over and add your own. And don’t worry; somebody already added Emo. (dropped by nuncio. Got something you want us to see? Drop it now!)

ICYMI: Creepy Time with the Olsens

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On September 12, Joey Lawrence makes his Dancing with the Stars debut on ABC. Meaning that our lifelong fantasy of seeing Joey from Blossom and A.C. Slater face off against each other in a battle of suggestive thrusting will finally be realized. Check out this insane 80′s-style clip, where a Danza-like Joey interviews the Olsen twins — still only 6 and as sexy as ever — who fight over who Joey should go out with. It’s refreshing to see the girls in their natural dead-eyed state, verses their current sunglassed, gypsy-clad one.

LISTEN UP: Peace, Love & Andre 3000

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  • Have you always sort of enjoyed Outkast’s modern classic “Hey Ya!”, but felt that the song could really use a more mellowed-out easy-listening feel-good vibe? Well you’re in luck hippies, because MyExBestFriend has an acoustic cover that will make you wanna pour some chamomile tea and hum along with the groovy groove.
  • Speaking of hippies, Pitchfork recently compiled a list of the 200 greatest songs from the 60′s and Blogs Are For Dogs actually posted mp3′s for every single one of them. So put that in your pipes and smoke it.
  • Jed and Lucia wouldn’t have been too out of place at Woodstock had they even been born yet, but as such, you’re more likely to find them at Coachella – and at Berkeley Place.
  • I’ve always thought Arcade Fire was the indie rock equivalent of the Grateful Dead, and their live Bowie cover over at Music For Kids Who Can’t Read Good is pretty far out…man.
  • With their bearded faces, hippie-dippy band name, and feel-good folk rock tunes, Brothers and Sisters seem like the perfect conclusion to this little tribute to the “peace and love” side of rock & roll – grab a couple of their amazing songs over at MOKB.

BWE: The Pros/Cons of Paris

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paris album.jpgToday’s the day you’ve all been waiting for; today Paris Hilton’s album, creatively titled Paris, drops. The question is, will you pick it up? We here at BWE want to help you with your decision, so we’ve compiled a comprehensive Pro/Con list of why you Should/Shouldn’t go out and by the greatest album (by a celebrity with absolutely no discernable skills) ever!

The Album Cover
PRO:Paris looks bored and her legs are spread wide open, making this the perfect companion piece to One Night in Paris.
CON: The album costs $12.97 on Amazon. Googling “Paris + Spread Eagle” and finding much, much better pictures than this one costs you nothing but your pride.

The High Comedy
PRO:
Breaking out Paris is guaranteed to elicit a few loud laughs from your friends. Listening to it will result in even more. Singing along and choreographing dances to it… wow. The possibilities are endless.
CON: The fear that your friends won’t actually believe you that you bought it as a joke. Especially when they catch you listening to it alone on your iPod.
Read more…

ICYMI: Lohan’s Family Circus

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(Click image to view larger size.)

Jail can be a pretty boring place, which explains Michael Lohan’s bizarre foray into satirical cartooning. Sitting helplessly in his cell, Lindsay Lohan’s daddy must rely on the power of his mighty pen if he hopes to protect his baby girl from the assorted evils of Hollywood stardom. As the complex imagery found in this allegorical cartoon might be confusing to the untrained eye, we have employed our expert celebrity deciphering skills to more clearly explain exactly what it is Papa Lohan is trying to say.

1. Lindsay: Beloved daughter, troubled starlet, innocent victim.

2. Michael: The well-meaning father who’s been torn apart from the mega-star daughter he’s always loved since she became famous. Every time he’s within reach of her (and her fortune), he’s ripped away by the brutish prison guards, who also represent the oppressive power of the authoritarian government under which he so suffers.

3. Dina: Lindsay’s selfish, gold-digging, whoring, manipulative, utterly evil excuse for a mother.

4. Brandon Davis: His taunts of “firecrotch” booming down from the heavens of Hyde nightclub like a terrible thunder.

Read more…