We never had a problem with Barbara Walters, but frankly, this whole Rosie v. Trump fiasco is starting to give us the B.B.Walty-Skeevy-Jeevies. We thought that if we ignored Trump’s highly juvenile, es-aitch-eye-tee stirring letter from yesterday, perhaps this entire mess would be behind us… but it looks like we will be hearing about this feud until the day James Brown‘s corpse is buried, i.e. 3 milleniums from now. Enjoy Two-Face McGinty‘s response from this morning’s episode of The View.
Dear Gossip Loving Community At Large,
As you very well know, for the past couple of months ex-pop starlet and divorcee Britney Spears has been out on the L.A. club scene, spotted drinking until falling asleep, stripping, vahzhing it up with Paris Hilton, and namely, looking like the reanimated corpse of Phyllis Diller (assuming Diller has passed away, which we will shortly be informed by hate mail that she is, in fact, still alive). The entire time, people have been asking “What about her kids? Where are the babies? Think about the babies!” The babies referring to her two baby sons, 16-month-old Sean Preston and 4-month-old Jayden James. Just last week, my mother in Miami announced, out of thin air, loudly, and in our bagel shop, “Britney’s babies should be taken away from her! She is not fit to be a mother!” while chewing up an onion bialy with cheese and hand feeding me the regurgitated mush.
At first, I agreed. What kind of a mother leaves her children to go bang yet another diseased looking (albeit hot) dirtbag? But slowly, the puzzle pieces started to come together. See, it seems pretty obvious that Britney Spears is a borderline Re-Re Ricardo. Judging by her penchant for platform sandals while carrying her newborn, or driving with her baby on her lap, or anything uttered by her on Chaotic, Britney can probably barely wipe herself, much less the Juicy Couture cashmere-swathed tush of her offspring. Which leads me to this conclusion:
Okay, I’ll admit that I bit when a video of Pauly Shore getting punched in the face during a stand-up gig hit the internet. Call it wishful thinking, but I really believed that a dude in a cowboy hat knocked Pauly the F out. Well, now the Weasel is sharing the making of the staged fight with everybody on MySpace. Check it out- I promise it’s more entertaining than “the making of Jury Duty.”
I hope you stuck around for the previews at the end. Because I, for one, can’t wait to see Pauly on Entourage and Natural Born Komics Miami. Weeze the Juice in ’07… and beyond.
When we heard the first single off Gwen Stefani’s new album The Sweet Escape we were nervous. Why was Gwen yodeling and rapping over beats that sounded like Pharrell shat them out after an all-nighter with Fergie-Ferg? Things weren’t looking (or sounding) good. So you could imagine the sigh of relief we let out after watching the video for “Sweet Escape.” Not only does Gwen look great, but the song sounds as if it belongs on the soundtrack of an 80′s movie like Just One Of The Guys. What I’m trying to say is, watch the damn video now.
Vid via Stereogum
- The hipster community mourns today following the tragic announcement that Strokes drummer Fabrizio Moretti and adorably quirky actress Drew Barrymore have broken their 4 year-long union of coolness. Pour out a Sparks for them.
- In other sad Hollywood break-up news, the nearly 25 year-long platonic bro-on-bro love affair between John Cusack and Jeremy Piven has come crashing to a halt now that The Pivs is famous enough get into parties and sleep with aspiring starlets all by his own self.
- Already spurned rocker Marilyn Manson is healing his post-break-up pain (or is that just the pain he always feels?) by doing what every sad evil goth clown does during a difficult time – partying with a bunch of 20 year-old girls.
- Next Thursday, January 18th, Stephen Colbert and Bill O’Reilly are going to appear on each other’s respective shows. And I’m going to appear on my respective couch in front of my respective TiVo.
- Now that Paris Hilton’s nipple has peeked out for the first time this year, and disappeared right back into her low-cut shirt, we can be sure that there’s more winter still yet to come.
Itâ€™s Best Night Ever for Tuesday, January 9th! Alex Blagg is here to walk you through the best moments of Tuesday night TV, including: Big Day, the People’s Choice Awards, House, and the fake celeb-obssessed Dirt!
- INADVERTENT OPEN MIC: By now everybody should know, if you’re mic’d up you shouldn’t be cursing anybody out. Especially not Buzz. (Deadspin)
- DIRTBAG: If Britney was our sister, we definitely wouldn’t let her date a guy named Isaac who spells it Eyezik on his MySpace page. But that’s just us. (Dlisted)
- LESS PARIS THAN USUAL: The long wait is over– 9 days into 2007 we have our first Paris Hilton nip-slip. We have no idea what took her so long. (Egotastic)
- “OUT THERE” RUMOR: Will Daniel Craig go where no Bond has ever gone before- the Starship Enterprise? It’s possible. (Filmwad)
- THE FRESH PRINCE OF ZIMBABWE: Will Smith wants to move to Africa. Uncle Phil totally thinks he should. (Hollywood Rag)
In the center, a photo of David Beckham‘s Chia Head, available for Xmas ’07 here (more photos here). On the right, a finely featured, pony-tailed David Beckham. On the left, a police sketch of a man who likely raped someone’s Grandmother.
You make the call: Is that Chia Head bending it like Beckham? Or will you finally be able to grow a field of jubilant greens out of the head of the man who sullied your Nana?
Answer: Their laughter. Unrelated: A morbidly obese walrus doing situps.
According to Variety, Frat Guy Messiah jambander Dave Matthews is scheduled to guest star on an upcoming epsiode of popular medical comedrama House:
Matthews will play a savant who was hit by a bus when he was 10. The accident affected his mental development but suddenly gave him the ability to play the piano flawlessly despite never having taken a lesson.
Dr. House (Hugh Laurie) is brought in after the virtuoso begins suffering seizures and the character’s father (Kurtwood Smith) must decide whether to cure the impairment — and lose his son’s musical gift.
It’s wonderful to see the realms of real life and art converge in an hour of heartstring-pulling television in which viewers will hang on the edge of their seats wondering whether or not Dave will be able to pull through a life-threatening surgery with his ability to wail gratingly while d*cking around on his guitar for hours still intact!