SIZZLER: Reese/Ryan Homewrecker Identified

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CORNISHPHILLIPE.JPGBastion of Truth© The National Enquirer is pointing a golden finger of distrust at the woman they claim broke up Reese Witherspoon and Ryan Phillipe: 24-year-old Australian actress Abbie Cornish (as in “Game Hen” and “Promiscuous Hussy”.) Cornish and Phillipe (guilt-ridden faces seen left) just wrapped up the movie Stop Loss together, and were seen “making out” in an Austin, TX restaurant on the last day of filming. The ess hit the eff when Reese discovered secret messages of filth on her husband’s Blackberry the night of the Flags of Our Fathers premiere. Now, bastard-face himself is no longer welcome in the home he shared with his wife.

Here’s what we wonder: Seeing as Reese is currently Hollywood’s highest paid actress ($29 million for her next film!), will Ryan get half?

COMIC RELIEF: Beating a Dead Hobbit

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We know the Jared Leto vs. Elijah Wood story is past its expiration date (due in no small part to our own relentless shock and awe campaign against Catalano), but we simply couldn’t resist the temptation to have some fun with these exclusive photos of the incident, which we found via our good friend Brooklyn Vegan. Enjoy!

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Costume Ideas: Dress For Success Like A Mess

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tara.jpgMetadish has a few last minute Halloween costumes for you ladies out there who still can’t decide what to dress up as tonight. Just be warned: if you follow any of their suggestions you’re going to need immediate access to a bunch of cocaine, cartons of cigarettes and a really bad plastic surgeon.

Oh, and you might as well book your rehab stint now. You know, to save some time.

Check out Metadish’s last minute costumes here.

HAPPY HALLOMEME: Bollywood Thriller!

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Things we never realized the original Thriller video was missing: Bhangra dancing, shiny red patent leather, a gaggle of Indians, and overzealous pelvic thrusting. So for our next Halloween inspired clip-o-lantern, we would like to reintroduce you to a clip we posted a little while back, Indian Thriller.

God Only Knows If The Beach Boys Are Connected To Weezer

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weezer.JPGRolling Stone’s Rock & Roll Daily directed us over to this incredibly geeky-slash-pretty funny list that definitively proves once and for all that The Beach Boys are cosmically connected to emo forefathers Weezer. In fact, the proof is so evident it’s impossible to argue against it. Just look:

  • Both bands have used falsetto singing effectively (Brian Wilson, Carl Wilson, Matt Sharp, Rivers Cuomo.)
  • Both bands are from Los Angeles county, California (sort of).
  • Weezer’s lineup includes a Brian Bell and a Patrick Wilson.
  • Both bands have had bassists that have been diagnosed with mental problems.
  • Both band names are two syllables.

I’m sold. Now if only somebody can do me the favor of connecting My Chemical Romance with The Rolling Stones. I’ll start: MCR’s new album is titled The Black Parade- the Stones wrote a song called “Paint It Black”. Freeeakkkyyy. Are there any other groups you could think of that are cosmically connected? Leave them in the comments.

CELEBRITY TRANSLATOR: K-Fed on K-Fed

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KFED.JPGWhen we cracked open today’s New York Post, we were more than a little surprised to discover Kevin Spears-Federline standing there in a dapper suit and presenting us with big golden egg of shortbus hilarity. In the sense that he penned an article entitled “I Didn’t Realize How Much People Love to Hate Me” (no, seriously, that’s the title). The jokes spring forth from nearly every line, and yet, we had to read between the lines. What follows are highlights from K-Fed’s self-analysis, along with our helpful Celebrity Translator to help you understand the more difficult parts. The article continues after the jump.

You know, I’m a guy that’s out to have a good time.

I hate my wife.

My record, “Playing With Fire” was just to get people to understand a little bit more about who I am. There’s no real, like, message.

My album is all about me and also simultaneously all about nothing. It’s simple math, folks.

I put so much hard work into this album. I went off and did this album by myself. Completely.

Let that pregnant beyotch carry her own bags! I’m an artist! Whooo… liiiiikes… tooooo… bangstrippersandinseminatewomen.

Read more…

K-Fed’s Playing With Ice

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If goblins, ghouls and the threat of undead spirits rising from the grave and eating your insides doesn’t terrify you this Halloween, maybe this will: K-Fed’s Playing With Fire drops today. Cue high-pitched scream.

But October 31st is more than just the anniversary of a Pagan festival– it also happens to be the birth date of one of America’s most beloved entertainers: Mr. Vanilla Ice. Is it a coincidence that the most mocked white rapper of the 21st century is releasing his album on the same day his predecessor was born? We don’t think so. The two men will forever be linked together, which leads us to believe that someday their paths will cross and they’ll form the ultimate embarrassing white-rapping duo.

Now that’s a scary Halloween thought.

MONSTER MASH-UP: Scary Mary Poppins

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Happy Hallomeme, folks! Let’s kick the day off with a little trailer mash-up for Scary Mary, Mary Poppins like you’ve never seen her before. But one that you will likely see tonight when your subconscious takes over.

While You Were Admiring the Originality of Your Borat Bikini Halloween Costume

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  • At a recent taping of her show, Oprah gave her entire audience debit cards worth $1,000. Unfortunately, they immediately blew the cash on self-help books, a year’s worth of TrimSpa and a dessert-binge at Applebee’s.
  • Steve-O is bringing the class back to the comedy stage yet again, seen here sharing a charming about the “one famous b*tch he f*cked”, and further proving that he’s the Richard Pryor of bragging about Real World cast sexual conquests.
  • Viacom chief (and my beloved boss) Sumner Redstone tells Page Six he decided to can Tom Cruise somewhere between his couch gymnastics on Oprah and Matt Lauer’s impromptu psych 101 class on Today. He goes on to say that his decision was influenced by his wife, who emotionally fired Cruise around the time she realized he was gay.
  • The Great Pumpkin has delivered a Halloween gift to us all in the news that Paris Hilton and Shanna Moakler were able to co-attend Hugh Hefner’s annual costume party without coming to blows. If there’s anything that puts feuds to rest and brings people together, it’s dressing up like nurses and cops who are also whores.
  • A completely hammered Ivana Trump was thrown out of a charity event by Barbara Davis, who told the aging socialite that her behavior was unacceptable for proper society, but would be warmly embraced by her grandson Brandon, who would still probably think she’s a “total MILF”.