The Second Coming of Cruise, Not at a Theater Near You

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CRUISE IS JESUS.JPGIt is by now common knowledge that Tom Cruise is man in charge of leading Scientology and its minions into the new Hollywood millennium. An ambassador to all things crazy, Cruise has done a fantastic job of roping in new A-list celebs onto his alien train, including, most recently, Jennifer Lopez. We’re sure the consistent ass-kissing of his fellow bi-polar underlings is motivation enough, but an article in today’s Sun makes is wonder if perchance, they’ve gone a scad too far. So what’s all the L. Ron Hub-bub?

See, they’re saying that Tom Cruise is Scientology’s version of Christ. Jesus, did they really? Yes, Christ, they did:

The Mission: Impossible star has been told he has been “chosen” to spread the word of his faith throughout the world. And leader David Miscavige believes that in future, Cruise, 44, will be worshipped like Jesus for his work to raise awareness of the religion.

A source close to the actor, who has risen to one of the church’s top levels, said: “Tom has been told he is Scientology’s Christ-like figure. “Like Christ, he’s been criticised for his views. But future generations will realise he was right.”

And it’s funny, because last I checked, Jesus didn’t really look like Phoebe Cates‘ twin sister. And while he would’ve been a kick-ass action star, we really don’t think he’d come down so hard on medication. I mean, we Jesus even allergic to vadges? We doubt it.

So what’s the lesson? The lesson is that if you’re rich enough, handsome enough, dyslexic and/or ess-eating crazy enough, you, too, can be Jesus. Christians, take it away.

LISTEN UP: Bright Eyes Still Sad, Confused

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  • The kids over at Pitchfork have an exclusive track from Bright Eyes’ new weepy EP Four Winds. Pass the kleenex.
  • If you’re one of the four people who hasn’t already stolen the new Shins record off the Internets, head over to Aquarium Drunkard and gank a few tracks. What are you, chicken?
  • I sort of digging this Field Music I’m hearing over at The Rawking Refuses To Stop. You?
  • Brooklyn Vegan has some tripped out spacerave rock from the UK kids in Klaxons. Grab a glowstick and knock yourselves out.
  • Big Thoughts From a Small Mind has one of those leaked Bloc Party tracks we’ve been hearing so much about.

Tara Reid Continues “Operation: Classy Image” By Simulating Sex With 2 Dudes Onstage at Rap Show

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taradoubleteamed.jpgThe gossipmongers over at Hollyscoop bring us these delightful pictures of Tara Reid – apparently taking a little breather from her recent “Not A Dumb Whore” PR Re-branding Campaign – being dry-humped onstage in a double rapper sandwich at a party during the Sundance Film Festival (this is, after all, what Sundance is REALLY about). Now lest you start worrying that this degrading display is taking place against her will, notice this picture of her riding the young hip-hopper like a buckin’ bronco while throwing up a “Devil Horns” (which is also the Tara Reid hand signal for “I love partying!”).

UPDATE: There’s must-see video over at TMZ, who stole my “rapper sandwich” line.

SIZZLER: Jared Leto Shows Indie Film B*tches at Sundance What Rock & Roll Badassitude Is All About

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letocrazyeyes.jpgBWE.tv has sort of become the unofficial archive of Jared Leto getting into pointless and embarassing fights. You might remember his previous battles with Hobbits and Bloggers, not to mention our own ongoing rivalry with his hordes of suburban mall-dwelling fans. The latest report of Leto’s vicious cycle of violence comes to us from the Sundance Film Festival, where Leto, in town to promote his upcoming film Chapter 27, seemed to be up to his usual antics:

When a photographer from WireImage attempted to snap Leto’s picture, the eyeliner- clad cad shouted, “No! No more, bro!” Leto walked out – but not before a “big guy” yanked at his long tresses. Leto “whipped off his hat with earflaps on and stepped up to the guy,” said a spy. “They were yelling at each other.” But no punches were thrown. And though Leto left, he came back a couple hours later to look for the guy.

Once you finally stop reading the line “whipped off his hat with earflaps on and stepped up to the guy,” over and over while laughing hysterically, consider the frightening possibility of what would have happened if Leto’s return to the scene and subsequent search for his newfound nemisis had been successful. Would Jared have given the poor pap a Fight Club-esque beating of a lifetime or, worse, strapped the guy down and tortured him to death by forcing him to listen to the latest 30 Seconds to Mars album on repeat? Either way, we shall have nightmares just thinking about these terrifying scenarios – and there’s no way anything like this would have happened.

Like All Girls Who Desperately Need Attention, Courtney Cox Resorts to Kissing Her Hot Friend

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jennifercourtney.jpgSometimes I wonder whether celebrity influences the culture or the culture influences celebrity. Take, for example, this report that Jennifer Aniston will guest star on her friend Courtney Cox-Arquette’s new show Dirt, playing a rival tabloid editor:

“Aniston’s character is a lesbian. What’s more, she won’t just mouth off to Cox’s tightly wound counterpart; she’s going to share a lip lock with her.”

Could this possibly have something to do with the fact that the coveted 18 to 34 year-old male demographic wouldn’t otherwise care about tuning into a show about an aging tabloid editor? It’s nice to know that even A-list actresses aren’t above making out with each other to get the boys to pay attention to them. Be sure to get a group of your guy friends together so you can stand around the TV and cheer while crushing a few brews.

The Oscar Nominations Leave Us Grinning, Angry

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DREAMGIRLS1231.JPGA few weeks ago I received a call from my mother, just a few minutes after she walked out of my favorite movie of 2006, Dreamgirls. “You know how I have a list of my top 10 favorite movies of all time?” she quizzed. I did, in fact, remember, as she brings it up daily. “Well, Dreamgirls…. is number 1.” Well, our sincerest apologies to Mother, as well as all the millions of people who experienced the best of Broadway in their local movie houses, as Dreamgirls has been snubbed for both Best Picture and Best Director in this year’s Academy Award nominations.

Yes, the nominations are out, and while there were some exciting surprises (Abigail Breslin, aww), we just can’t help but feel that our favorite movie was robbed. While Jennifer Hudson and Eddie Murphy were nominated for their supporting roles (and please, at least let Eddie have one little gold guy to his credit), the entire ensemble was noteworthy and deserving. Was Dreamgirls cheesy? Of course. Over the top? How could it not be. But exciting and fun and dramatic and tear-jerking? Yes. Clearly, this is some sort of Hollywood backlash against “good times.” And that’s all we’re going to say on the matter.

Moving on, an analysis of each of the top nomination categories. The entire list can be found here.

1. Best Picture: “Babel,” “The Departed,” “Letters From Iwo Jima,” “Little Miss Sunshine,” “The Queen.”

Still too pissed to talk about it. But if we had to choose our favorite of the bunch, we’d probably give it to The Departed. Little Miss Sunshine was great, and certainly had the better ending of the two films (spoiler alert: The end of The Departed can be described by a word that rhymes with the title), but overall was a better, stronger, more exciting movie.

Read more…

A Little Something To Brighten Up Your Day

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gary coleman.jpgAnd who said there weren’t any big stars at Sundance this year?

Radar
online has a few great snapshots from the 2007 Sundance film festival. There’s nary a Mormon in sight, however there is a Screech, a Bass, a Diddy and a Coleman. In my opinion, that’s way more exciting.

So head on over there to magically whisk yourself away to the hills of Utah without ever leaving your computer. I’ll take looking at the pictures over going to Sundance any day– it’s warmer, nobody is silently judging you for what you’re wearing, and it’s far less likely that Jared Leto will act like a douche and try to start a fight with you. Like, 30% less likely.

And in case you were wondering, yes, the “little something to brighten up your day” title of this post is a reference to the Gary Coleman cowboy hat photograph to the left. It’s the little things, people. It’s the little things.

Worth 1000 Forces Us To Question Everything We Thought We Knew About Our Own Sexuality

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stephencolbertgirl.jpgThe mad photoshopping geniuses of Worth 1000 have given us a lot of hilarity, but their latest contest, in which popular male movie stars have their genders bent into women, has forced us to experience some pretty confusing feelings about what we do and do not find attractive. Sylvia Stallone? Not so much. But we’d totally f*ck Ernesta Borgnine. Our favorite, however, would have to be the lovely Ms. Vanessa Vaughn. Who knew?

(via Defamer)

While You Were Driving Under the Influenza

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