Americans Say The Stupidest Things

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After watching this video you’ll realize two things: 1) Americans really do say the stupidest things, and 2) Jay Leno and those other *wacky* man on the street comedians don’t do nearly enough to berate them when they do. Thats why it’s great to see Brian Huskey take it to the next level.

SIZZLER: Jen Will Become Prettier Than Angelina, Even If It Takes All the Plastic Surgery In the World

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jennose1.jpgHow does an independent, fabulous movie actress celebrate fake lesbian kissing one of her friends on TV for attention? According to Us Weekly, Jennifer Anistion followed up her Courtney Cox-Arquette make-out sesh with a little trip to plastic surgeon:

The actress emerged four hours later, but instead of her usual golden glow, she sported fresh black-and-blue bruises along her right eyebrow and across the tip of her nose and upper lip.

Aniston’s rep confirms the operation. “Jennifer had a procedure done to correct a deviated septum that was incorrectly done over 12 years ago,” he tells Us Weekly.

Some people enjoy a post-coital cigaratte, while others enjoy having their nose broken and face cut with a knife. It takes all kinds. Anyway, at lest she can check “busted schnozz” off her list of things she has to fix to be prettier than Angelina Jolie. Next up, pumping a bunch of cow cartilage into her lips with a tiny hose in order to achive that pillowy, sensual smile.

“Smells Like Teen Spirit” In Reverse Finally Sheds Some Light On How Kurt Cobain Really Feels

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Hey mannnnnnn, have you ever, like, played “Stairway To Heaven” backwards man? There are, like, so many satanic messages in it man. It like, completely bugs me out. That’s why this YouTube video of Nirvana’s “Smells Like Teen Spirit” in reverse is like, totally freaky. I mean, it scares the hell out of me man. Not because it reveals how tortured and bruised Kurt really was, but because it means some dude took the time to repeatedly play this in reverse and transcribe what he heard. Trippy, man.

Link via Stereogum

Drunk Rachael Ray Less Annoying Than Actual Rachel Ray

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RACHELRAY23.JPGIt’s no secret round these parts that we are not exactly fond of television host/chef/gargoyle Rachael Ray. And if you were to have asked us, the idea of hanging around with the girl drunk sounded about as pleasant as falling asleep on a bed of halogen lamps. But according to a source at TMZ (whose headline, “Racial Ray”, made us momentarily give up puns), drunk Rachel Ray is actually a serious nightmare bitch on wheels, also known as delightfully entertaining. To wit:

We’re told Ray became “extremely loud and aggressive,” and began dissing Oprah. Sources say she told the group about a portrait of Oprah that sits in the lobby of Harpo Productions in Chicago. It’s from the movie “Beloved” and shows Winfrey’s back, enhanced with scars. She’s also wearing a skirt from the slavery era. Back at the table, sources say Ray launched into attack mode: “Why is she wearing slave drag? She obviously has problems being black.”

But Oprah wasn’t Ray’s only target. Sources say she told the group how much she liked Jennifer Aniston and then called Brad Pitt a “pussy boy.” But her harshest comments were reserved for Angelina Jolie, calling her “a skanky, backdoor c**t.”

She’s Team Aniston? That so figures. Nevertheless, sounds like Ray really cuts loose on the sauce… one more Jaeger and she’d probably shoot a blow dart in the waitresses neck, rip her heart out Mortal Kombat style, and swallow it whole without batting an eyelash. We wonder what Oprah will think of all this… but considering she’s the reason I can’t turn on ABC between 10 to 11 am, maybe she actually deserves this one.

AD WIZARDS: McDonald’s Subliminally Trying to Trick Us Into Thinking Their Food Does’t Suck

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During last week’s episode of Iron Chef America, if your fantasies of sucking down some of Masaharu Morimoto’s pickled beet sushi were inexplicably replaced by a craving for a steaming pile of hot garbage, it might have something to do with the McDonald’s ad that was subliminally placed in the show. The video below depicts a person showing, frame by frame, where the ad was placed. I TiVo’d the show myself to double-check, and sure enough it was there – a single frame of red and yellow Mickey D’s “I’m Lovin’ It” (who also happens to have sponsored that episode) trying to trick us into associating their processed product with mouthwatering cuisine. Tune in to kitchen stadium next week for Iron Chef Batali vs. Chef Colonel Sanders in Battle Chicken Product.

While You Were Hoping to Avoid an IRS/Scientology Audit

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Best Night Ever for Tuesday, January 23rd!

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It’s Best Night Ever for Tuesday, January 23rd! Becky & Tony are here to walk you through the best moments of Tuesday night TV, including: American Idol, The Real Housewives of Orange County, Really Big Things and the only show on during the State of the Union: Veronica Mars!

…OF THE DAY

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  • REASON TO DRINK: This State of the Union Address Drinking game is great, but they left off “Take a long, melancholic swill of your beer every time you experience a vague sense of hopelessness”. (Wonkette)
  • ENEMY OF THE STATE: Sheriff Andy Griffith hated freedom and supported the evil-doers. (Boing Boing)
  • NEW DAY: Miss USA Tara Conner is out of rehab and ready to take “not having lesbian coke orgies” one day at a time. (E! Online)
  • OSCAR OPPORTUNITY: National Public Radio is sponsoring a “Write Your Own Oscar Speech” context, giving the cast of Dreamgirls a second crack at the tearful “Best Picture” acceptance speech they’d been planning. (NPR)
  • GUITAR HERO: This blogger compiled video evidence of the 20 Greatest Guitar Solos of All Time. (Cityrag)
  • BLOW JAVA: Just like in Idiocracy, some coffeehouse in Seattle features java served by half-naked women. Bang for your bucks. (The Seattle Times)

Fact of Life #145: We All Eventually Lose Our Minds

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Youtube videos are getting incredibly fabulous, old, and crazy, you guys. Yesterday, we alerted you to an golden oldish clip of Liza Minnelli on Larry King. Then today, Defamer gets hold on an interview where Charlotte Rae, aka Mrs. Garrett, goes ahead and calls Joan Collins (no relation) a bitch — while attending the premiere of Ms. Collins’ play! What kind of a lesson is that to Tootie and the girls? Thank goodness Joan had absolutely no f**king clue who the hell Charlotte Rae is, or it would’ve been another awkward “Hello, 911? Yes, Joan has blood coming out of her eyes again” phone call. Fans of all things fabulous, enjoy.

UNEMPLOYMENT CHECK: Ridin’ Dirty

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We had so much fun mashing up yesterday’s Elisabeth Hasselbeck video yesterday that we just had to do it again today. So here’s Elisabeth “Ridin’ Dirty” on the iGallop, one more time.