Best Night Ever: Monday, January 22nd!

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It’s Best Night Ever for Monday, January 22nd! Brian Faas is here to walk you [and hold your hand] through the best moments of Monday night TV, including: I Love NY, Deal or No Deal, Prison Break, 24 and the TV rip off of xmen, Heroes!

…OF THE DAY

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  • NO CONTEST: Paris Hilton fought the law and the law won. Sort of. (MSNBC)
  • EVEN HIGHER POWER: Lindsay Lohan takes the “Anonymous” out of Alcoholics Anonymous when her pack of paparazzi photographed all the poor people leaving the meeting who DIDN’T want their sobriety splashed all over the tabloids. (Flynet)
  • PILL PINATA: Speaking of sobriety, Paula Abdul says she’s “never been drunk in her life” and “doesn’t do recreational drugs”, which could only mean that “incoherent babble-slurring” is really just how she chooses to communicate. (USA Today)
  • NEW WORD: As meat is the #1 most shoplifted item in America, we find ourselves in the midst of a “Meatlifting” epidemic. (BuzzFeed)
  • PRODUCT PLACEMENT: The comedy miners at SNL struck gold with Jason Sudekis’ hilarious commercial for Urigro. Get your streams straight, yo. (DotComedy)

Everybody Else Is Doing It, Why Can’t We?

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We’re posting this picture just to answer the question, “If everybody else jumped off a bridge would you jump too?” In this case, everybody else is every single blog on the internet, the act of jumping is posting this picture of Jessica Biel’s ass, and the bridge is… um. You know, I’m not sure what the bridge is. Just stare at this picture and forget everything I said.
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For more, visit I Don’t Like You In That Way… or any blog you could think of that’s written by either a horny straight guy, a gay dude, or a jealous woman. Just take your pick.

ZARF’S FINAL WORD: “I Am A Woman”

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He’s back! After a hiatus on Friday, Zarf is finally baaaaack. And still completely quotable. We just wish that manmeat on wheels was a better actor for real. Also, don’t bother asking us about All My Children plot because we barely know what’s going on, but we’re sure some of our readers do, so maybe they’ll be willing to divulge.

AWARDS WRAP-UP: The Good, The Bad and The Razzie

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OSCARGROUCH.JPGWhile you while away at your desk noshing on dark chocolate M&M’s, some of Hollywood’s biggest celebrities were practicing their best “What? You just woke me up!” impressions. Why? Because in one of Hollywood’s cruelest jokes, the Academy Award nominations will be announced tomorrow morning at 5 am PST, 8 am EST, as per usual. And like every year, Entertainment Tonight will ring various celebrity land lines at the crack of dawn in order to break the news, which is when you, America, get to hear celebrities faking their best “early in the morning, whus goin’ on?” voices. Groggy, gravelly, excited but “tired”, there is no way that any actor in contention for a f**king Oscar would be lazily sleeping the morning away while the very future of their mantles depended on it. There should be a whole separate nomination category for “Most Realistic Fake Morning Voice.” It’s not like there’s not enough cocaine in the area to keep them up til 5 am for one damn night! This has always, and will continue to always, piss us off. And while we could sit here and figure out who is going to get nominated, we’d rather leave that to the experts and wait an entire 12 hours for the actual nominees.

Moving along, we’ll of course bring you the Oscar nominees along with our opinions first thing in the morning. But instead of celebrating this afternoon, why don’t you take a few minutes to remember the movies that didn’t make it to the Academy Awards, the movies nominated for the uncoveted Razzie Award. Razzie’s celebrate the campiest/worst films of the year, and nominations were announced today. Basic Instinct 2 and The Wicker Man scored some very deserved nomms, while the underrated Little Man is up for it’s fair share of Razzies as well. We only hope Nic Cage and Sharon Stone are man enough to show up for the actual ceremony, much like Halle Berry did to accept her Worst Actress Award for Catwoman.

UNEMPLOYMENT CHECK: Blue Monday

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If you’re feeling extra s**tty or extra depressed today, we have some good news for you: Today is Blue Monday, the most depressing day of the year. You’re supposed to feel like this. Whew. Well, we want to do our part to snap you out of your funk… and what better way than by posting this clip of Elisabeth Hasselbeck riding an iGallop machine on The View.

Of course, we prefer this very special Blue Monday version. And we think you will too.

Still depressed? Well, just think about how Rosie could’ve very easily have ridden the machine next. You feel better already, don’t you?

ICYMI: We Love Liza!

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We spent most of this chilly weekend watching Arrested Development DVD’s straight through, then debating who we would rather “give it up” to, Will Arnett or Jason Bateman. (Currently, Bateman is winning. Don’t ask us to explain chemistry, people.) But perhaps the biggest and best surprise was how utterly hilarie Liza Minnelli was in her role as Lucille 2, as the vertigo-prone neighbor turned Buster’s girlfriend. “Wow!” we though. “Liza’s so hip!”

Then someone near and dear alerted us to this montage of Liza on The Larry King Show last year. And we were all “Oh… she’s actually innnsane… in the best way possible!” It’s the part where the guy calls in that really gets us.

That ends today’s look back at things people were talking about last year.

Because Ya Had A Bad Day January

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Tony Romo, the cool, young Dallas Cowboys quarterback seemingly had the world at his feet in 2006. He came off the bench and was winning big games for the Cowboys, he was making football exciting again for his hall-of-Fame coach Bill Parcells, and best of all he was supposedly hooking up with the sexiest American Idol alum this side of Ruben Studdard, Carrie Underwood. Things were good. Then we hit 2007.

Just three weeks into the new year, things aren’t all lollipops and candy canes for Mr. Romo anymore. On January 6th he botched the hold during an attempted field goal, costing his team a trip to the NFC Championship and becoming the scapegoat for millions of fans (let’s just say the people over at Tony Homo were more than thrilled.) Today, Bill Parcells retired, making Romo’s botched snap the final play he’ll ever see from the sidelines. And, last but not least, just when things couldn’t get any worse, Carrie Underwood had this to say:

“The first time I ever met him was on Christmas, right there on the field. Everybody was like, ‘Ooh, they are together.’ And then I was blamed for Dallas not winning that game. . . . He is a very nice guy and I’ve talked to him a few times, but we are very much not together.”

Wow. So not only are they not together, they’re very much not together. Ouch. Maybe if he would’ve held onto that football they’d be kinda together. And he’d still have a coach. And there wouldn’t be a bounty on his head in Texas. And Tony Homo would still be updating. I guess we’ll never know that. But we do know this: Nobody misses 2006 more than Tony Romo. Nobody.

So play that Daniel Powter song now. Because you know that guy is also just a couple of months away from missing the good old days of 2006 too.

CAPTION THIS! What, Exactly, Is So Funny?

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The only way we could think to describe this photo taken of Diana Ross is as follows: “Beyonce, this is what you can look forward to.”

Put your captions in the comments while we continue heartily LOLing.

LISTEN UP: Ladies and Gentlemen, I Give You “Wizard”

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  • Thanks to Lindsayism for bringing to our attention the magical (magical…magical…magical) sounds of Wizard (when you say “Wizard”, you have to whisper it dramatically)!
  • While the’re no Wizards, Arcade Fire are pretty good – and a couple new live tracks from last weekend’s benefit shows have surfaced over at Blogs Are For Dogs.
  • I’ve recently gotten into the low-fi rock awesomeness of The Microphones, and Said the Gramophone has a new track with an important social message.
  • Elvis Perkins is the King of bookish whimsical folk-rock, and Aquarium Drunkard has a few of his songs.
  • Who doesn’t love a little happy jangly hand-clappin head-boppin’ pop music? Noise For Toaster brings us the latest addition to this category – The Broken West.