SIZZLER: It’s Time For Kid To Tell The Kids That Daddy Won’t Be Coming Home Anymore

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pam-and-kid-rock-wedding.jpgKids… we don’t know how to tell you this. Here, just take a seat. Okay. Mommy and daddy are getting… mommy and daddy are getting divorced. Don’t cry. I know we’ve only been married for a couple of months but we just feel like this is for the best. There’s nobody to blame, really. It’s just sometimes grown-ups grow apart, and that’s what happened here. When we met, we had the world at our feet, and we were ready to take on all challenges together. But time changes people. For example, it’s made mommy older and scarier looking by the day, while it’s made daddy realize that drinking, drugging and banging strippers every night is way more fun than being a dad. It’s like the old expression, “Why marry the cow when you can go out and nail a lot of whores for free?” Or something like that. Stop crying. Anyway kids, we’ll still be there for you. If you ever need your mother, just call Aunt Paris or Aunt Britney… I’m sure she’ll be slutting it up all over town with those two. And daddy? Well, you know where to find him. Just make sure you have enough money on you to pay the $20 cover plus one $8 drink. And if any of the kids at school make fun of you because mommy and daddy got married in their bathing suits or because they insisted on getting married multiple times, you just tell them to mind their own business. Because chances are we’ll be back together before you know it. Whoa. Okay, keep crying.

LISTEN UP: Matt & Kim & Smokey & Xmas

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  • Matt and Kim are just about the catchiest boyfriend-girlfriend indie duo this side of The White Stripes (but without the goofy outfits), and Macktronic does you all the favor of rounding up four of their best songs. If you’re not rocking them on repeat for weeks to come, I just don’t trust you.
  • After hanging out with his parents all weekend, Stereogum coming raging back to the indie rock blogosphere with some totally bangin’ new tracks from Smokey Robinson and Jimmy Ruffin.
  • I Rock Cleveland rocks Robbers On High Street. Awesomeness ensues.
  • Out the Other knows how much the kids love The Blow these days.
  • And now that Thanksgiving is over, it’s time to light your own Rockefeller christmas trees with a whole stocking stuffed with rocking holiday-themed tracks at The Late Greats.

Who Wants Tom Brady Innuendo?

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Most people are fans of Tom Brady for 1 of 2 reasons: He’s a good football player, and he’s drop dead gorgeous. But no fan can even compare to the level of obsesion seen by the man who made this Tom Brady Tribute Video to the tune of Kenny Rogers‘ “Lady.” One word: Aww.

(From With Leather via GorillaMask)

Kramer’s Rant Gets Remixed

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michaelrichardsrap.JPGYou knew this was coming. Somebody over at YTMND finally took the time to remix Kramer’s recent racist tirade. And even though you might not want to admit it… it’s pretty damn amazing (and NSFW, obviously.) It might be the catchiest tune you hear all day. You’re going to have a hard time getting it out of your head.

Just be careful you don’t start singing it in public. You know, for obvious reasons.

A Nation Gives Thanks For Our Gaggle of Skanks

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PARISLINDS.JPGYou would think that on the one weekend this nation has to give thanks for all the cocaine daddy’s money buys, Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan could put aside their differences and learn to get along. But, as this video caught by an X17 Online lensman of LiLo proves, even Thanksgiving won’t cure Paris Hilton’s Catscratch Fever. In the vid, a determined Lohan hoofs it out of an SUV over to the cameraman, and recounts the horror of having a drink thrown at her by Paris. Doesn’t Paris know alcohol + firecrotch = certain death? The transcript:

This is a video that Paris Hilton… and I’m saying this on tape… she hit me last night, for no reason apparently, at my friend’s house, and I didn’t know she’d be there. And she hit me, she hit me with a drink, and it hurts and it’s not okay.

And I’m sorry for everyone that thinks I’m crazy. I’m not… I’m just trying to act.

Just… trying to act, eh Linds? That’s funny, because last I remember, I don’t recall ever seeing Lauren Bacall exiting a car wearing thigh-high patent leather eff-me boots. And I think… no, I’m actually certain, that I have absolutely no idea what Katherine Hepburn‘s vagina looks like. But we’re not gonna lie: Bacall would no doubt kill Hepburn in a broken-bottle showdown. Whatever that means.

p.s. Can anyone actually see the bruise? Kinda looks like orphan dirt to us.

AD WIZARDS: Leonard Neuman, Lawyer of the Apocalypse

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Our step cousin-in-laws over at Vh1′s Web Junk Blog point us to this AMAZING clip of Leonard Neuman, a St. Louis personal injury lawyer who wants you to know about your right to collect money, a right he repeatedly reminds you of, as a catastrophic Armageddon rages on in the background. Incidentally, this spot was directed by filmmaker Michael Bay.

Heidi Klum Makes Karaoke Video

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I have absolutely no problem with Heidi Klum singing a Christmas song. In fact- the more Heidi in my life, the better. But there’s something about this video that screams “Karaoke!” Maybe it’s the special effects, maybe it’s the snowy B-roll or maybe it’s the random landscape shots that you tend to only see in karaoke videos, I’m not sure. Either way… this is awesome.

Thank you Dlisted. Thank you.

Britney And The Girls Hang Out

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Alright people, it’s time to come to grips with something: we’re going to have to start getting used to Britney Spears partying and hanging out with people like Paris Hilton. We have no choice. Britney is clearly on a rampage, but believe it or not it’s all part of a masterplan. It’s Britney’s 5-step-guide to recovering from her Fedivorce. See:

1. Clean up, look good, win back America’s sympathy.
2. Have lawyers announce pre-nup is “ironclad.” Humiliate Kevin.
3. Remove Kevin from Top 8 on MySpace.
4. Crotch shot. America loves crotch shots.
5. Start hanging out with whorebag Paris Hilton. Wear revealing clothes. Lose America’s sympathy, position self to rebound with a guy so sleazy he makes Kevin look clean by comparison.

Clearly, we’re at 5 now. I wonder who the rebound guy is gonna be. Nick Carter? Fred Durst? Aaron Carter? The possibilities are endless.

CINEMA’S GOLDEN AGE: Thanks For Nothing

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happyfeet1.jpg1. Forget Turkey. Forget Duck. Forget Chicken. Forget Turducken. Next Thanksgiving, serve the one bird everyone can’t get enough of: penguins$51.5 million ($37.9 million weekend)

2. This movie would have had a higher box office figure if not for all the turkey-and-beer stuffed dads who bought tickets to the “family movie” (some bullsh*t about penguins), then leaned over ten minutes in, loudly announced to their wives that they’d meet them out by the car after the movie, and went to see this instead – $45.1 million ($31 million weekend)

3. Hmm, why do I have the strange feeling that I’ve seen this psychological pseudo-sci-fi action thriller before? Oh yeah, because I have. About 40 times – $29 million ($20.8 million weekend)

4. If there’s one kind of movie that best describes my overall cinematic taste, it would have to be the “overzealous neighbors hilariously feuding over who has the most holiday spirit until they realize in the end what the true meaning of holiday spirit is, then combine forces to have the best Christmas ever” genre – $16.9 million ($12 million weekend)

5. Let us give thanks that there are so many astonishingly idiotic people in this country that a British comedian can dress up as a Kazakh reporter, drive across America with a camera, and leave us all laughing hysterically at the utter hopelessness of our fellow countrymen – $15.4 million ($10.4 million weekend)

While You Were Preparing For Your 5th Consecutive Turkey Lunch

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  • All My Children will introduce a transgender character named Zarf this week. Um… Zarf? At least they’re not making it weird or anything.
  • Kevin Federline claims the reason Americans hate him is because he took our queen. He continued, “…to Taco Bell once. And I paid. Word. How ya like me now?”
  • Hilary Duff and boyfriend Joel Madden rely on the paparazzi to help them end their fights. Proving, once again, that celebrities are just like us.
  • A woman is accused of hacking into Linkin Park frontman Chester Bennington’s cell phone to steal phone numbers and threaten his wife. The woman will be forced to go through a psychological evaluation, but only because she classified herself as a Linkin Park fan.
  • Sylvester Stallone was put on a strict sex ban during the filming of Rocky Balboa. Producers insisted that if the old man was going to break a hip, they wanted it to be in the ring.