ICYMI: Have You Guys Heard Of This ‘Borat’ Guy?

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No, we haven’t received a dime for our relentless pimping of Borat. And yes, we are aware that we’re completely beating this thing to death. HOWEVER, there are two things you need to know: 1) we keep bringing up the Borat stuff because we’re sickly obsessed with him, and 2) despite mentioning the man 2-3 times a day, we’re still not as bad as The Huffington Post. While we’re taking solace in that, enjoy this clip from Conan O’Brien. Borat + Conan + a live keytar battle makes this video impossible not to post. Sorry. We just can’t help ourselves.

Video via Stereogum

CINEMA’S GOLDEN AGE: Brace Yourself For Incessant “Is Niiiiice” References

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boratBO.jpg1. In what can only be described as a miracle of human prevailment, this low-budget little comedy about an earnest Kazakhi reporter lost in America was able to defeat the Box Office Goliath of the long-awaited third installment of the Santa Clause franchise, which has added the magnetic star power of Martin Short dressed as some sort of magical ice wizard-elf. Of course, we’ll take complete credit for this victory considering our relentless pimping of Borat, for which we received no compensation of any sort, over the last few months. Jagemesh! – $26.4 million

2. Only one word accurately describes how I feel about this movie: No. – $20 million

3. Now that they’ve literally taken CGI cartoons into the sewers, Hollywood has conclusively proven that there is literally no scenario involving animated animals who talk and sound like celebrities that audiences are not willing to shell out for. In fact, looks out next summer for Maggots, the heartwarming adventure of a maggot named Marvin who must find rotting meat to save his starving village under the dumpster behind a 7-11. He makes a lot of friends along the way, and even learns a thing or two – $19.1 million

4. I’m actually surprised this didn’t do better business, what with all the word of mouth on how original and entertaining it is – $15.5 million

5. There’s already a spot in my DVD collection, between Goodfellas and Casino, where this movie will one day find its final resting place – $8 million

SIZZLER: The Mystery of the Scarjo Sex Tape

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SCARJO.JPGMemo to celebs: If you plan on going down on some dude in a van, just assume you are being recorded — or take your mic off. Most of you are probably getting this memo in time, but unfortunately we may have been to late when it comes to Scarlett Johansson. According to some anonymous creephound, the busty actress (whom he refuses to name but alludes to) left her mic on while visiting a gentleman texter in his car. Creephound continues recording, and while we’re not going to get into details, let’s just say he claims to have 12 minutes and 47 seconds of audio featuring the actress, well… let’s just say she’s not running her lines. This is one of two things: Either, it’s greatest hoax of the year; or, the greatest thing to happen to celebrity sex tapes… maybe ever?

Wondering where you can hear it, you filthy soul? Take it easy — the tape hasn’t been released yet, and is being held hostage until someone plunks down a hefty wad of change. Which is suspicious to us. We checked, and Scarjo-Gives-A-Blojo.com is still totes avail. So, how much would you be willing to pay to hear such a tape?

While You Were Pre-Ordering Saddam’s Execution on Pay-Per-View

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  • “For the level of condition that I have now, that was without a doubt the hardest physical thing I have ever done. I never felt a point where I hit the wall, it was really a gradual progression of fatigue and soreness.” -Lance Armstrong, on either running yesterday’s NYC marathon or having sex with Sheryl Crow.
  • Britney Spears is putting hubby K-Fed on a diet to help him lose the sympathy weight he gained while the pop star was pregnant. Kevin plans on knocking the bitch up again ASAP to make sure this doesn’t happen.
  • Rod Stewart has given his blessing to his daughter Kim’s new breast implants. It’s unclear as to whether holy water was prominently involved.
  • Mick Jagger has inspired Meat Loaf to hit the gym and get in shape. That was, of course, until Keith Richards inspired him to forget about the gym and just do a ton of heroin instead.
  • Doogie Howser came out over the weekend as a content gay man. Vinne Delpino, however, is still deep in the closet.

Best of the Best Week Ever

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Tune into Best Week Ever tonight @11 and all weekend long to find out what else you missed!

ICYMI: Rape Is Not Funny…

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…but rape on The Young & the Restless sure is! This dude has to be the best looking sexual predator pirate in history.

LISTEN UP: Daily Dog Pic Quota Filled? Check.

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  • Throw back a couple of shots of Jack and listen to the vintage stylings of Dale Hawkins over at Spread the Word.
  • The upbeat To Die By Your Side blog posts three awesome mashups, and by “awesome” we mean “Have you heard that Gnarls Barkley song Crazy? It’s soooo gonna be the song of summer 06″ No, we swear, it’s worth a listen.
  • Wonder why rap was better 15 years ago? Instrumental Analysis tells you, with examples of course.
  • The Perm & The Skullet introduces us to Proof of Ghosts: “Like Neil Young to Sonic Youth riddled with an updated old tent revival feel, Proof of Ghosts rips at your soul and your heart and doesn’t let go.” A-where do we a-sign!?!?!
  • Indie Blog Heaven posts Friday manna, in the form of songs from Death Cab 2 a lil Ted Leo.
  • Unrelated photo courtesy of Dooce. It’s a slow day and we just had to.

God Hates Haggs

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Daily-Douche-tedhaggard3.jpgThe producers of Jesus Camp should send New Life Church leader Ted Haggard one of the male hookers he loves so much for helping them out by ostensibly admitting that he pays for man-love at the precise time they release their documentary – in which the preacher is prominently featured – about the hypocrisy of the Evangelical Right. Haggard, who is a personal friend of President Bush and President of the National Association of Evangelicals (representing over 30 million voting Christians), has preached about the “evils” of gay sex on numerous occasions (including the clip below, taken from Jesus Camp), and now has admitted to purchasing crystal meth and “massages” (mostly in and around his genitals, we’re sure) from a male prostitute. Now that he’s resigned from his position as head pastor in shame, we find Ted Haggard most deserving of the holy honor of being baptized today’s Daily Douche.

UPDATE: Here’s video of the lord’s servant explaining that he was only leaving messages on male escorts’ answering machines to buy meth. Meth that he would later throw away instead of snorting it and having hot sex some rented boy.

White Powder Trailer: Cocaine Cowboys

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Cocaine Cowboys isn’t what you think. It isn’t a movie about Paris and Lilo on horseback. Nor does it have anything to do with Whitney Houston and the Superbowl. The movie is a documentary about Columbian drug trafficking, being billed as the “real” Scarface. The best part? While buzz on the movie is good (so good you just wanna rub the film strip along your gums), unsurprisingly many of the folks in Miami interested in seeing the movie aren’t that interested seeing it at a swanky art house. As a result, the bootleg DVD is a runaway hit at flea markets across the area. But instead of throwing a fit, the filmmakers have embraced the attention, making short films (available on Youtube) interviewing the very thieves profiting off their work. Kudos, guys, way to avoid getting your throats slashed. Check out the trailer, and make sure to blow your nose before your boss comes back.