To Zarf or Not To Zarf… THAT is The Question

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zrfian.jpgOur sister in Zarfi-ly love, Pop Candy, has come across the greatest thing we’ve ever seen. The one and only Zarf will take on the role of Hamlet in the Shakespeare Theater Company’s production of Hamlet in Washington D.C.

We couldn’t think of anything more perfect. The man (or woman, whatever) already delivers his (or her) lines on All My Children as if they were written by Shakespeare, of course he (or she) would nail the role of Hamlet. The producers should be open to letting Zarf improvise, though. If there’s any way they could slip in the famous “I have a penis” line, we’d buy our tickets right now.

Ah, who are we kidding… we’re buying tickets no matter what. Can somebody say road trip?

Zarf’s Final Word: Confusing What is Real

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Ok, so technically this is not a clip from today’s All My Children, and with good reason: Now that Zarf/Zoe isn’t the killer, you can expect a lot less screentime. Probably so actor Jeffrey Carlson can memorize his Hamlet lines. So instead, enjoy this great music video of Zarf prancing about to the tune “Crawlin.” Honestly, it makes us wish we had gotten in on the Zarf action months ago. Plus, we never knew Linkin Park could be so butch!

The Second Coming of Cruise, Not at a Theater Near You

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CRUISE IS JESUS.JPGIt is by now common knowledge that Tom Cruise is man in charge of leading Scientology and its minions into the new Hollywood millennium. An ambassador to all things crazy, Cruise has done a fantastic job of roping in new A-list celebs onto his alien train, including, most recently, Jennifer Lopez. We’re sure the consistent ass-kissing of his fellow bi-polar underlings is motivation enough, but an article in today’s Sun makes is wonder if perchance, they’ve gone a scad too far. So what’s all the L. Ron Hub-bub?

See, they’re saying that Tom Cruise is Scientology’s version of Christ. Jesus, did they really? Yes, Christ, they did:

The Mission: Impossible star has been told he has been “chosen” to spread the word of his faith throughout the world. And leader David Miscavige believes that in future, Cruise, 44, will be worshipped like Jesus for his work to raise awareness of the religion.

A source close to the actor, who has risen to one of the church’s top levels, said: “Tom has been told he is Scientology’s Christ-like figure. “Like Christ, he’s been criticised for his views. But future generations will realise he was right.”

And it’s funny, because last I checked, Jesus didn’t really look like Phoebe Cates‘ twin sister. And while he would’ve been a kick-ass action star, we really don’t think he’d come down so hard on medication. I mean, we Jesus even allergic to vadges? We doubt it.

So what’s the lesson? The lesson is that if you’re rich enough, handsome enough, dyslexic and/or ess-eating crazy enough, you, too, can be Jesus. Christians, take it away.

LISTEN UP: Bright Eyes Still Sad, Confused

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  • The kids over at Pitchfork have an exclusive track from Bright Eyes’ new weepy EP Four Winds. Pass the kleenex.
  • If you’re one of the four people who hasn’t already stolen the new Shins record off the Internets, head over to Aquarium Drunkard and gank a few tracks. What are you, chicken?
  • I sort of digging this Field Music I’m hearing over at The Rawking Refuses To Stop. You?
  • Brooklyn Vegan has some tripped out spacerave rock from the UK kids in Klaxons. Grab a glowstick and knock yourselves out.
  • Big Thoughts From a Small Mind has one of those leaked Bloc Party tracks we’ve been hearing so much about.

Tara Reid Continues “Operation: Classy Image” By Simulating Sex With 2 Dudes Onstage at Rap Show

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taradoubleteamed.jpgThe gossipmongers over at Hollyscoop bring us these delightful pictures of Tara Reid – apparently taking a little breather from her recent “Not A Dumb Whore” PR Re-branding Campaign – being dry-humped onstage in a double rapper sandwich at a party during the Sundance Film Festival (this is, after all, what Sundance is REALLY about). Now lest you start worrying that this degrading display is taking place against her will, notice this picture of her riding the young hip-hopper like a buckin’ bronco while throwing up a “Devil Horns” (which is also the Tara Reid hand signal for “I love partying!”).

UPDATE: There’s must-see video over at TMZ, who stole my “rapper sandwich” line.

SIZZLER: Jared Leto Shows Indie Film B*tches at Sundance What Rock & Roll Badassitude Is All About

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letocrazyeyes.jpgBWE.tv has sort of become the unofficial archive of Jared Leto getting into pointless and embarassing fights. You might remember his previous battles with Hobbits and Bloggers, not to mention our own ongoing rivalry with his hordes of suburban mall-dwelling fans. The latest report of Leto’s vicious cycle of violence comes to us from the Sundance Film Festival, where Leto, in town to promote his upcoming film Chapter 27, seemed to be up to his usual antics:

When a photographer from WireImage attempted to snap Leto’s picture, the eyeliner- clad cad shouted, “No! No more, bro!” Leto walked out – but not before a “big guy” yanked at his long tresses. Leto “whipped off his hat with earflaps on and stepped up to the guy,” said a spy. “They were yelling at each other.” But no punches were thrown. And though Leto left, he came back a couple hours later to look for the guy.

Once you finally stop reading the line “whipped off his hat with earflaps on and stepped up to the guy,” over and over while laughing hysterically, consider the frightening possibility of what would have happened if Leto’s return to the scene and subsequent search for his newfound nemisis had been successful. Would Jared have given the poor pap a Fight Club-esque beating of a lifetime or, worse, strapped the guy down and tortured him to death by forcing him to listen to the latest 30 Seconds to Mars album on repeat? Either way, we shall have nightmares just thinking about these terrifying scenarios – and there’s no way anything like this would have happened.

Like All Girls Who Desperately Need Attention, Courtney Cox Resorts to Kissing Her Hot Friend

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jennifercourtney.jpgSometimes I wonder whether celebrity influences the culture or the culture influences celebrity. Take, for example, this report that Jennifer Aniston will guest star on her friend Courtney Cox-Arquette’s new show Dirt, playing a rival tabloid editor:

“Aniston’s character is a lesbian. What’s more, she won’t just mouth off to Cox’s tightly wound counterpart; she’s going to share a lip lock with her.”

Could this possibly have something to do with the fact that the coveted 18 to 34 year-old male demographic wouldn’t otherwise care about tuning into a show about an aging tabloid editor? It’s nice to know that even A-list actresses aren’t above making out with each other to get the boys to pay attention to them. Be sure to get a group of your guy friends together so you can stand around the TV and cheer while crushing a few brews.