SAD NEWS BEARERS: Peter Boyle Passes Away

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BOYLE.JPGOK, everyone take your sarcasm hats off for a coupla minutes here, because we’re about get real. Maybe even too real for our own good. Peter Boyle, better known as Frank the dad on Everybody Loves Raymond and the Monster in Young Frankenstein, passed away last night at only 71 years of age, from heart disease. We were saddened when we heard the news, not only because Boyle was a fantastic comedic actor, but also because we realized that this evening, when we watched our nightly marathon of Everybody Loves Raymond, it just wouldn’t be the same.

Let’s go over that again: Tonight, when we watch Everybody Loves Raymond. Ladies and gentlemen, this is officially the first time we’ve ever admitted such a thing, on a blog or otherwise. Around friends, Everybody Loves Raymond is poo-poo’ed as the show our parents think is funny. Young people never talk about watching it. And sure enough, every now and again our mothers ring to say “turn on TBS… it’s a classic episode.” We would snort, roll our eyes, clamshell our phones, and immediately turn on TBS. Because, like it or not, IT IS A FUNNY SHOW. We don’t care that it’s about domestic disputes and dirty diapers and in-laws. WE LAUGH. And now, we feel free. Because it’s out.

So, you’ll excuse us while we pour a little out of our Metamucil glasses for Peter Boyle this afternoon. Cause we loved the guy. Thanks for listening.

SIZZLER: K-Fed Planning To Learn How To Write?

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KFedpeace.jpgI know we’ve given K-Fed a lot of sh*t over the past few years about being a worthless, good-for-nothing gold-digger with no real skills or abilities, existing solely as a parasite upon the naive sensibilities of an impressionable young Britney Spears. But according to this report by The Scoop, it would seem that Kevs is turning over a new wifebeater and finally applying himself to some much-needed scholastic enrichment:

K-Fed is prepared to write a steamy, scandal-filled book about his estranged wife that could include shocking details about wild drinking, alleged drug use, her sexual attraction towards other women — as well as her supposed belief in time-travel…

While we’re not surprised to learn that Kevin is planning to wring every last drop of exploitative cash out of his marriage to Britney, we are both shocked and proud to learn that he is finally going to get around to conquering literacy. Now that he will be able to communicate in means other than ill-conceived rap rhymes and fake gang signs, who knows what sort of profound insights Kevin will have to offer?

ICYMI: Barbara Is Bootylicious

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If you weren’t watching me on last night’s Best Night Ever (and you probably weren’t), you might have missed my uncontrollable arousal after hearing Barbara Walters ask Jay-Z the following question about Beyonce during her 10 Most Fascinating People of 2006 special. It’s short, but very, very sweet.

SIZZLER: Jonathan Schaech Scores Famous MILF

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LOCKLEAR.JPGRemember Jonathan Schaech? Let’s have a refresher course: He was the d**k in That Thing You Do!, then went on to marry Don’t Tell Mom the Babysitter’s Dead star Christina “You Don’t Have to Whisk the Couch, Kenny” Applegate. Then they divorced. Well, it looks like he’s recovered from his “falling off the face of the Earth” injuries with a new light romance to put him back in the dimlight: Heather Locklear! Nothing like the hottest MILF in Hollywood to make you relevant again, Shaech! Look how well it worked out for that dude from Sex and the City who now looks like an abandoned hiker who had a little too much bison meat.

Though, in Heather’s defense, this guy is approximately 2 million times hotter than ex-squeeze David Spade, and odds are at least as funny… so perhaps this is one of those rare tinseltown relationships that will actually make it past the one-night stand mark. Good luck, you krazy kids!

Catching Up With The Horny Manatee

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“For $159, NBC, the network that brought you ‘Meet the Press,’ Milton Berle and the nation’s first commercial television station became the proud owner of www.hornymanatee.com.”
- Conan O’Brien

It’s a small price to pay for greatness. Everybody’s favorite horny sea cow continues to make waves (get it?) weeks after debuting on Late Night with Conan O’Brien. The Horny Manatee website continues to evolve, with new pictures including the Manateen, a Mature Manatee, and (of course) a Shaved Manatee. There’s also a Fan Art section, where people can submit their own Horny Manatee pictures. Because who doesn’t have a Horny Manatee picture?

If you want to learn more about the Horny Manatee– and honestly, who doesn’t?– check out this piece in The New York Times. It’s more revealing than the Live WebCam. Well… almost more revealing.

PROPPED: 5 Christmas Specials Re-Dubbed

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Moe Zilla dropped a link to this hilarious post over at 10 Zen Monkeys that features 5 of our favorite Christmas movies completely redubbed. So if you’ve ever wanted to see Frosty thrashing to death metal or Linus declaring “Santa isn’t real. Jesus isn’t real. Heaven doesn’t exist. It’s all a bunch of bulls**t”, today’s your lucky day. Enjoy.

Got something you want us to see? Drop it now!

LOHANVOLUTION: “LR” Revealed, Al Gore Mobilized

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lohanvolutionSMALL.jpgWe pause from our regularly scheduled blogging to bring you a couple very important news items for the faithful followers of the Lohanvolution, way of the future-Howard Hughes:

  • In the Lohanifesto, you might have noticed that Our Dear Lindsay made mention of an evil-doer known as “LR” – a rotten, loathsome figure who may end up being taken to court and, if Al Gore has anything to say about it, executed. Lindsay, in all of her grace, spared this vermin the indignitiy of being named, but Lohanvolution supporter Goldenfiddle has identified her as one Lindsay Ratowsky, and by all accounts, she is indeed a rat. I think it’s time we exterminate her.
  • Several of “Those People” scoffed at Our Dear Lindsay’s claims that she wields the support of powerful politicians such as Al Gore, but as of today those fears can be laid to rest as Lohanvolutionist Wonkette has posted a fully adequite Press Release from Gore himself that clearly outlines his support of the way of the future-Howard Hughes.

And finally, faithful supporters, we ask that you remain vigilant and keep Lindsay in your hearts in minds as she battles triumphantly against the demons of people writing about her alcoholism and night-clubbing. We’re happy to hear that she’s been sober for the past 7 days and, seeing that she’s underage, has never drank in her life before. Be adequite.

While You Were Watching Mary Christmas on PAX

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  • Evel Knievel, aka Father Deathmas, is suing Kanye West for his alter-persona “Evel Kanyevel” in his video for the song “Touch the Sky.” No word on whether Big Pun or Retarded-Idea Johnson plans on following suit.
  • A British scientist compiles a list of the “Saddest Songs Ever.” And, no, Sugar Ray‘s “I Just Wanna Fly” did not make the list. :’(
  • Our favorite celebrity couple is engaged!! We can’t wait for Rachel McAdams and Ryan Gosling to start popping out a new breed of super-hot down-to-earth really-talented people.
  • James Gandolfini has been asked to play Bacchus at the 2007 Mardi Gras celebration in New Orleans. Meaning, within months, James Gandolfini will be dressed up to look like an effing a-hole.
  • “Whether it was shooting a scene or arguing about a scene or gun practice or dance class or doing stunts – anything we had to do with each other, we just found a lot of joy in it together and a lot of real teamwork.” — Angelina Jolie on falling in love with Brad Pitt. Just more fuel for the “How are these real people and not androids” fire.

Best Night Ever: Tuesday, December 12th!

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It’s Best Night Ever for Tuesday, December 12th! Alex Blagg is here to walk you through the best of Tuesday night tv, including: Friday Night Lights, Help Me Help You, The 8th [yes, 8th] Annual Family Television Awards, and Barbara Walters interviews who she believes are the 10 Most Fascinating People of 2006!