While You Were Admiring the Originality of Your Borat Bikini Halloween Costume

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  • At a recent taping of her show, Oprah gave her entire audience debit cards worth $1,000. Unfortunately, they immediately blew the cash on self-help books, a year’s worth of TrimSpa and a dessert-binge at Applebee’s.
  • Steve-O is bringing the class back to the comedy stage yet again, seen here sharing a charming about the “one famous b*tch he f*cked”, and further proving that he’s the Richard Pryor of bragging about Real World cast sexual conquests.
  • Viacom chief (and my beloved boss) Sumner Redstone tells Page Six he decided to can Tom Cruise somewhere between his couch gymnastics on Oprah and Matt Lauer’s impromptu psych 101 class on Today. He goes on to say that his decision was influenced by his wife, who emotionally fired Cruise around the time she realized he was gay.
  • The Great Pumpkin has delivered a Halloween gift to us all in the news that Paris Hilton and Shanna Moakler were able to co-attend Hugh Hefner’s annual costume party without coming to blows. If there’s anything that puts feuds to rest and brings people together, it’s dressing up like nurses and cops who are also whores.
  • A completely hammered Ivana Trump was thrown out of a charity event by Barbara Davis, who told the aging socialite that her behavior was unacceptable for proper society, but would be warmly embraced by her grandson Brandon, who would still probably think she’s a “total MILF”.

…OF THE DAY

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  • BAIT N’ SWITCH: You are told that if you click on this link, you can listen to the entirety of the Borat soundtrack. You are instead invited to an unwelcomed listening party for K-Fed‘s new album. Feh! (Click on the CD’s cover to change it.) (AOL Music)
  • COPYWRONG: Comedy Central has gone ahead and removed all Youtube clips taken from the network, including vintage Daily Show, Colbert Report and South Park clips. They have also, unbeknownst to them, removed my will to live. (NY Times)
  • AWESOME-GIFT-FAKE-OUT: Oprah gives members of her audience $1,000 debit cards, and then orders them to donate it to charity. There’s a “Thigh High Snakeskin Boots” non-profit out there, right? (Assoc. Press)
  • HALLOGEEN COSTUME: This year, Dakota Fanning gets creative, dolling herself up to look like the Devil’s Slutty Underage Wife. (Lovely Dakota)
  • KABBALAH ME CRAZY: Madonna‘s new orphan Davie is sporting the latest in baby trends: A mini-vest, Nike sneakers, and a thin red string associated with Judaism’s Kabbalah and inspired by the great biblical matriarch Rachel that wards off misfortune brought about by an “evil eye” and/or “birth parent” (available at Target). (People Magazine)

THE DAILY DOUCHE: The O’Douchey Factor

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Like a moth to the flame, attention-starved blowhard Bill O’Reilly bends over David Letterman’s knee for the second time to have his bottom publicly spanked on issues like President Bush’s incompetence, the ongoing threat of terrorism, and the war in Iraq – an issue on which he seems to be the very last individual outside of elected Republicans who is still willing to gingerly defend this costly and tragic disaster of a war. If we’d been doing The Daily Douche for as long as Bill has been saying retarded sh*t on television, this would be approximately the 47,279th time he was awarded the honor.

And Now: The Best Rap-Obesity-Horror Collabo Ever

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The following video is so incredibly awesomely hilariously scary, we won’t ruin it with too much talk. Here is the music video for “Ready For Freddy”, performed by The Fat Boys (i.e. “The Fat Boiiiiz!”, aka “No, Literally, They’re Morbidly Obese Boys”) for 1988′s A Nightmare On Elm Street 4: The Dream Master. If Freddy Krueger terrifies you, this video will be your Room 101… in that Freddy raps.

LISTEN UP: Music 2 Get Diabetes 2

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  • Harmony In My Ears lets you preview the theme music for every Grey’s Anatomy preview for the next year or so, posting 3 tracks off of the new Snow Patrol album.
  • The Music Slut whores out three great Brit Rock tracks, and includes a list of this year’s Q Magazine Award Winners.
  • Hide under your desk, cue up Billy Joel‘s Leningrad, and head over to Modern Music to download a track off the latest Cold War Kids album.
  • Show Me Music compiles a kick-ass Halloween Playlist, when you just want to spend Halloween eating candy and softly crying to yourself.
  • We really have fun writing the term “Justin Timberlake Leak”, but you’ll have more fun listening to it. Idolator‘s got the DFA Remix of My Love.

CAPTION THIS: Dawn of the Dumb

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Caption This! brought to you by Stranger Than Fiction, in theaters November 10th.

Even J-list pseudo-celebs get into the Halloween spirit, and this picture features the costume-wearing prowess of Travis Barker, Kimberly Stewart and Brandon Davis, who continues beating the dead horse of “firecrotch” jokes into a glue-like pulp.

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GAMES: American Dad VS. Family Guy Kung Fu

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familyguy.JPGSure Family Guy may beat the s**t out of American Dad in the laughs department, but who would win a head-to-head kung-fu fight? Peter or Stan? Stewie or Roger? Lois or Hayley? If these questions have been keeping you up at night, first seek help, then head over here to play the American Dad Vs. Family Guy Kung-Fu Flash game. The one liners that the characters spit out during the fights make it a must-play for fans.

Just be warned: if you’re playing as Chris, you’re probably not going to win. You’ll see.

SIZZLER: Reese and Ryan Have Witherspooned and Died!

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ReeseRyan.JPGWe’ve been through this before, people, but the wounds never stop hurting. TMZ.com is reporting that our favorite brother-n-sister Hollywood couple, Reese Witherspoon and Ryan Phillipe, are filing for divorce after 7 years of marriage. Go ahead. Find your rosary beads. Are you clutching them? Good. Because we are on the verge of losing all hope. Just 11 days ago, the couple was overheard fighting at the Flags of Our Fathers premiere. Since then, Reese has contacted famed divorce attorney Robert Kaufman, and released a statement asking to “please respect their privacy and the safety of their children at this time.” The couple has two children together and one Oscar.

We’ll definitely respect their privacy, though we do want to let Reese know: We are 100 percent on your side, honey! As handsome as he is, Phillipe has always have what experts refer to as a “bastard face”. It always seemed like Reese was the better parent of the two, frequently photographed with her kids, with Ryan nowhere to be seen. We’ve also heard rumors that he is a Major Cad, but seeing as we’re respecting their privacy, we won’t delve further. We will, however, give Reese full permission to get just as fat and bitchy as she wants for the next year or so without any judgment calls whatsoever. Though we’d love to see her hookup with Anthony Michael Hall, just to continue that Aryan bloodline we so envy.