GAMES: American Dad VS. Family Guy Kung Fu

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familyguy.JPGSure Family Guy may beat the s**t out of American Dad in the laughs department, but who would win a head-to-head kung-fu fight? Peter or Stan? Stewie or Roger? Lois or Hayley? If these questions have been keeping you up at night, first seek help, then head over here to play the American Dad Vs. Family Guy Kung-Fu Flash game. The one liners that the characters spit out during the fights make it a must-play for fans.

Just be warned: if you’re playing as Chris, you’re probably not going to win. You’ll see.

SIZZLER: Reese and Ryan Have Witherspooned and Died!

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ReeseRyan.JPGWe’ve been through this before, people, but the wounds never stop hurting. TMZ.com is reporting that our favorite brother-n-sister Hollywood couple, Reese Witherspoon and Ryan Phillipe, are filing for divorce after 7 years of marriage. Go ahead. Find your rosary beads. Are you clutching them? Good. Because we are on the verge of losing all hope. Just 11 days ago, the couple was overheard fighting at the Flags of Our Fathers premiere. Since then, Reese has contacted famed divorce attorney Robert Kaufman, and released a statement asking to “please respect their privacy and the safety of their children at this time.” The couple has two children together and one Oscar.

We’ll definitely respect their privacy, though we do want to let Reese know: We are 100 percent on your side, honey! As handsome as he is, Phillipe has always have what experts refer to as a “bastard face”. It always seemed like Reese was the better parent of the two, frequently photographed with her kids, with Ryan nowhere to be seen. We’ve also heard rumors that he is a Major Cad, but seeing as we’re respecting their privacy, we won’t delve further. We will, however, give Reese full permission to get just as fat and bitchy as she wants for the next year or so without any judgment calls whatsoever. Though we’d love to see her hookup with Anthony Michael Hall, just to continue that Aryan bloodline we so envy.

HALLOWEENERS: Ten Scariest Movie Characters

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chucky.jpgIf you’ve been watching scary movies in anticipation of Halloween, but you don’t find some dude in a clown costume named after a power tool to be nearly as frightening as what Saw III’s filmmakers try to pass off as a plot, then you’ll enjoy this amusing piece in RADAR, entitled “Splatter Day Saints”, listing the top ten best horror villains of all time. Incidentally, the piece was written by our good friend (and one-time co-worker) Piper Weiss.

“You’re Not Lookin’ Half Bad” Award: To Whitney

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WHITNEYHOUSTON1.JPGWhitney Houston has spent the last few years under the tabloid’s magnifying glass. Whether it be about her drug abuse or her scarily thin frame or her marriage to Bobby Brown, the poor woman hasn’t had it together since The Bodyguard soundtrack (i.e. The Soundtrack To Our Lives.) We recall a Good Morning America appearance where a beat-up Houston could barely squeak out a note. But Saturday night, Whitney attended the Carousel of Hope Ball looking healthier and as beautiful as ever. In a dress we would be happily buried in for eternity. Perhaps her divorce from Bobby has rejuvenated the woman? Whatever it is, from US 2 U Whit: You’re Not Lookin’ Half Bad!

Though we’d like to point out the cringeworthiness of this quote from a USA Today article about the event:

Houston’s surprise appearance led American Idol’s Katharine McPhee to abandon plans to sing her signature Over the Rainbow in place of Houston’s I Have Nothing. “It’s her first big appearance since the breakup,” explained McPhee on the pink arrivals carpet. “I would love to sing with her, but unfortunately all eyes are on me.” Houston nodded her head during McPhee’s performance and led a standing ovation.

We just McPhomited on our McPhlip-Phlops.

ICYMI: Borat Makes SNL Funny

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Only five days remain, people. Five days until Borat hits theaters and this long, painful wait is over. Everybody’s favorite Kazakh citizen (read: the only “Kazakh” anybody knows) dropped by SNL this weekend to promote his movie and show America how to make the show funny again: hire Sacha Baron Cohen full time and let him do whatever he wants. Problem solved.

BWE CONTEST: A Killer(s) Giveaway

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sams town.jpgSay what you will about Killers frontman Brandon Flowers– the band writes catchy tunes. That’s why we’re giving away a whole bunch of Killers merchandise to you.

Win a copy of the Killers “When You Were Young” vinyl remix and a Killers Sam’s Town poster. 5 winners will receive the 2006 US exclusive limited edition 4-track 2 x 12″ vinyl set, featuring Jacques Lu Cont’s Thin White Duke Mix & Dub, and The Lindbergh Palace Remix & Dub, presented in sealed & stickered die-cut sleeve. Runners up will receive a Killers Sam’s Town posters.

All you have to do to enter is email us at [deleted]We’ll choose the winners at random by the end of the day tomorrow. Contest closed! Winners to be notified, etc etc.

Do You Remember The Times? Michael Jackson to Wed Nanny

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MICHAELJACKSONWEDD.JPGWe report this bit of news not because we care and/or believe that Michael Jackson is actually wedding his Nanny, moreso because it made us remember back to a few years ago when any news/publicity stunt related to Michael Jackson actually seemed relevant. When an engagement to Michael Jackson actually mattered and worked its way into our deepest nightmares. When he was drugging teens on airplanes and naming his children after inanimate objects (Blanket, Staircase and Mellonballer have really grown.)

Now, an engagement to Michael Jackson barely appears on our radars. Probably because the “King of Pop” is so broke both financially and mentally that even talking about the guy is like recommending a Goo Goo Dolls CD to someone. It’s the end of a gossip era, friends. So, please, pay your respects by reading this small blurb about his (probably made-up) nuptuals to 39-year-old nanny Grace Rwaramba, flashback to 1997, hotfoot it to your watercooler, and tell everyone.

CINEMA’S GOLDEN AGE: Why Would You See Saw?

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sawIII.jpg1. For the third installment of this popular franchise about a sadistic killer who takes delight in torturing his victims, the filmmakers have employed a new technique called “Interactive Sadism” in which the audience suffers a far worse fate than any of the characters in the movie: actually having to watch the movie – $34.3 million

2. I wonder how many people other than myself are planning to dress up as Jack Nicholson In a Porno Theater With a Strap-On for Halloween this year – $9.8 million

3. “The Prestige” refers to the third and final stage in a magic trick. A semi-contemporary example would be David Copperfield’s dazzling display of marrying Claudia Schiffer$9.6 million

4. Someone should make a sequel called “Flags of Thier Sons” that tells the heart-wrenching story of George W. Bush’s landing on an aircraft and heroically speaking in front of a “Mission Accomplished” banner prior to years of insurgence and disaster in Iraq – $6.4 million

5. Like a bad case of herpes, Hollywood’s latest “Animated Animals Who Talk” offering just won’t seem to go away – $6.1 million

The Amazing Race: Kentucky Almost Fried

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AMAZINGRACE10.JPGI am not an emotional person. There have only been a handful of films which have caused me to cry: Benji (puppy scooped up in eagle’s talons), Terms of Endearment (cancer, shmanc-heaving-sobs), Rudy (hobbit carried off the field)… But last night’s episode of The Amazing Race had me a little weepy at the end. David and Mary, the Kentucky Coalminers, have gone against various stereotypes about “stupid” “inbred” “sister-loving” “obese” “uneducated” “confederate-loving” “contraceptive-avoiding” “cow-tipping” “high-school-football-loving” Southerners and proved to the world one thing: Hearts can be made out of gold. They are the kindest, sweetest couple, and even their gnarly-toothed scrapping with one another didn’t stop us from loving them. Which is why, when they were spared with a non-elimination round after coming in last yesterday, I resorted to my typical panic attack breathing as one golden tear streamed down my face: One more chance!

Here are some other things I’ve gathered from last night’s episode: Just because you went to Harvard does not mean you’re a geen, as evidenced by the Cho Brothers‘ backward plan to team up with the slowest players in order to take them to the top 3. Apparently, they made a wrong turn on the way to the Big Brother audition, and assume it’s the same strategy on every CBS reality show. Rob and Kimberly continue their quest to be renicknamed Ike and Tina. And last night marks the first time Ex-Druggie-Model-Boys managed to not bring up how they are ex-druggies turned models. Congratulations guys!

Thoughts on the episode? Any ideas as to what the “Intersection” next week means?