The Oscar Nominations Leave Us Grinning, Angry

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DREAMGIRLS1231.JPGA few weeks ago I received a call from my mother, just a few minutes after she walked out of my favorite movie of 2006, Dreamgirls. “You know how I have a list of my top 10 favorite movies of all time?” she quizzed. I did, in fact, remember, as she brings it up daily. “Well, Dreamgirls…. is number 1.” Well, our sincerest apologies to Mother, as well as all the millions of people who experienced the best of Broadway in their local movie houses, as Dreamgirls has been snubbed for both Best Picture and Best Director in this year’s Academy Award nominations.

Yes, the nominations are out, and while there were some exciting surprises (Abigail Breslin, aww), we just can’t help but feel that our favorite movie was robbed. While Jennifer Hudson and Eddie Murphy were nominated for their supporting roles (and please, at least let Eddie have one little gold guy to his credit), the entire ensemble was noteworthy and deserving. Was Dreamgirls cheesy? Of course. Over the top? How could it not be. But exciting and fun and dramatic and tear-jerking? Yes. Clearly, this is some sort of Hollywood backlash against “good times.” And that’s all we’re going to say on the matter.

Moving on, an analysis of each of the top nomination categories. The entire list can be found here.

1. Best Picture: “Babel,” “The Departed,” “Letters From Iwo Jima,” “Little Miss Sunshine,” “The Queen.”

Still too pissed to talk about it. But if we had to choose our favorite of the bunch, we’d probably give it to The Departed. Little Miss Sunshine was great, and certainly had the better ending of the two films (spoiler alert: The end of The Departed can be described by a word that rhymes with the title), but overall was a better, stronger, more exciting movie.

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A Little Something To Brighten Up Your Day

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gary coleman.jpgAnd who said there weren’t any big stars at Sundance this year?

Radar
online has a few great snapshots from the 2007 Sundance film festival. There’s nary a Mormon in sight, however there is a Screech, a Bass, a Diddy and a Coleman. In my opinion, that’s way more exciting.

So head on over there to magically whisk yourself away to the hills of Utah without ever leaving your computer. I’ll take looking at the pictures over going to Sundance any day– it’s warmer, nobody is silently judging you for what you’re wearing, and it’s far less likely that Jared Leto will act like a douche and try to start a fight with you. Like, 30% less likely.

And in case you were wondering, yes, the “little something to brighten up your day” title of this post is a reference to the Gary Coleman cowboy hat photograph to the left. It’s the little things, people. It’s the little things.

Worth 1000 Forces Us To Question Everything We Thought We Knew About Our Own Sexuality

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stephencolbertgirl.jpgThe mad photoshopping geniuses of Worth 1000 have given us a lot of hilarity, but their latest contest, in which popular male movie stars have their genders bent into women, has forced us to experience some pretty confusing feelings about what we do and do not find attractive. Sylvia Stallone? Not so much. But we’d totally f*ck Ernesta Borgnine. Our favorite, however, would have to be the lovely Ms. Vanessa Vaughn. Who knew?

(via Defamer)

While You Were Driving Under the Influenza

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Best Night Ever: Monday, January 22nd!

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It’s Best Night Ever for Monday, January 22nd! Brian Faas is here to walk you [and hold your hand] through the best moments of Monday night TV, including: I Love NY, Deal or No Deal, Prison Break, 24 and the TV rip off of xmen, Heroes!

…OF THE DAY

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  • NO CONTEST: Paris Hilton fought the law and the law won. Sort of. (MSNBC)
  • EVEN HIGHER POWER: Lindsay Lohan takes the “Anonymous” out of Alcoholics Anonymous when her pack of paparazzi photographed all the poor people leaving the meeting who DIDN’T want their sobriety splashed all over the tabloids. (Flynet)
  • PILL PINATA: Speaking of sobriety, Paula Abdul says she’s “never been drunk in her life” and “doesn’t do recreational drugs”, which could only mean that “incoherent babble-slurring” is really just how she chooses to communicate. (USA Today)
  • NEW WORD: As meat is the #1 most shoplifted item in America, we find ourselves in the midst of a “Meatlifting” epidemic. (BuzzFeed)
  • PRODUCT PLACEMENT: The comedy miners at SNL struck gold with Jason Sudekis’ hilarious commercial for Urigro. Get your streams straight, yo. (DotComedy)

Everybody Else Is Doing It, Why Can’t We?

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We’re posting this picture just to answer the question, “If everybody else jumped off a bridge would you jump too?” In this case, everybody else is every single blog on the internet, the act of jumping is posting this picture of Jessica Biel’s ass, and the bridge is… um. You know, I’m not sure what the bridge is. Just stare at this picture and forget everything I said.
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For more, visit I Don’t Like You In That Way… or any blog you could think of that’s written by either a horny straight guy, a gay dude, or a jealous woman. Just take your pick.

ZARF’S FINAL WORD: “I Am A Woman”

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He’s back! After a hiatus on Friday, Zarf is finally baaaaack. And still completely quotable. We just wish that manmeat on wheels was a better actor for real. Also, don’t bother asking us about All My Children plot because we barely know what’s going on, but we’re sure some of our readers do, so maybe they’ll be willing to divulge.

AWARDS WRAP-UP: The Good, The Bad and The Razzie

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OSCARGROUCH.JPGWhile you while away at your desk noshing on dark chocolate M&M’s, some of Hollywood’s biggest celebrities were practicing their best “What? You just woke me up!” impressions. Why? Because in one of Hollywood’s cruelest jokes, the Academy Award nominations will be announced tomorrow morning at 5 am PST, 8 am EST, as per usual. And like every year, Entertainment Tonight will ring various celebrity land lines at the crack of dawn in order to break the news, which is when you, America, get to hear celebrities faking their best “early in the morning, whus goin’ on?” voices. Groggy, gravelly, excited but “tired”, there is no way that any actor in contention for a f**king Oscar would be lazily sleeping the morning away while the very future of their mantles depended on it. There should be a whole separate nomination category for “Most Realistic Fake Morning Voice.” It’s not like there’s not enough cocaine in the area to keep them up til 5 am for one damn night! This has always, and will continue to always, piss us off. And while we could sit here and figure out who is going to get nominated, we’d rather leave that to the experts and wait an entire 12 hours for the actual nominees.

Moving along, we’ll of course bring you the Oscar nominees along with our opinions first thing in the morning. But instead of celebrating this afternoon, why don’t you take a few minutes to remember the movies that didn’t make it to the Academy Awards, the movies nominated for the uncoveted Razzie Award. Razzie’s celebrate the campiest/worst films of the year, and nominations were announced today. Basic Instinct 2 and The Wicker Man scored some very deserved nomms, while the underrated Little Man is up for it’s fair share of Razzies as well. We only hope Nic Cage and Sharon Stone are man enough to show up for the actual ceremony, much like Halle Berry did to accept her Worst Actress Award for Catwoman.

UNEMPLOYMENT CHECK: Blue Monday

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If you’re feeling extra s**tty or extra depressed today, we have some good news for you: Today is Blue Monday, the most depressing day of the year. You’re supposed to feel like this. Whew. Well, we want to do our part to snap you out of your funk… and what better way than by posting this clip of Elisabeth Hasselbeck riding an iGallop machine on The View.

Of course, we prefer this very special Blue Monday version. And we think you will too.

Still depressed? Well, just think about how Rosie could’ve very easily have ridden the machine next. You feel better already, don’t you?