While You Were Stealing Snow Shoes from a T.G.I. Friday’s

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  • Paula Abdul has contacted the press, claiming that she’s “the piñata.” How long until some crazed meth addict beats her silly with a broom handle to access all the “candy” inside?
  • While it has been reported that Paul McCartney and Heather Mills have settled their divorce for roughly $62 million, Mills says that isn’t true. Thank God — $62 million works out to barely $2000 an hour for her 4 year marriage, and any self-respecting woman knows to charge at least $5,000 an hour to sleep with McCartney.
  • Not only hasn’t James Brown been buried yet, but now his attorney’s refuse to disclose where they’re hiding the body. Proving that even in death, James Brown is the feistiest corpse in showbiz.
  • Colonel Sanders will be receiving his own U.S. postal stamp. Which raises so many questions… will it taste like fried or honey-baked? And won’t millions of letters suffer from unsightly clear little grease windows? Also, is America doomed?
  • Do you think it’s possible Beyonce keeps flashing her armpits at photogs in order to distract from the hair net slowly taking over her face? Cauuuuuse it’s not really working… and we’re a little disturbed by everything reported in the previous sentence.

Best Night Ever for Sunday, January 21st!

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It’s Best Night Ever for Sunday, January 21st! Michael Cyril Creighton is here to walk you through the best moments of Sunday night TV, including: Desperate Housewives, The L Word, Extras and the last pre-recorded episode of Grease: You’re the One that I Want!

If you’re in NY, see MCC off-Broadway in The Vietnamization of New Jeresy through January 28th!

BEST OF THE BEST WEEK EVER

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Pour One Out For Bam Bam Bigelow

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bambambigelow.jpgSad news today from the world of beloved professional wrestlers from the 80’s. Scott “Bam Bam” Bigelow – charter member of Ted DiBiase’s Million Dollar Corporation and pioneer of the “Wham Bam, Thank You Ma’am” wrestling technique – has passed away. Bam Bam is perhaps best known for his 1995 rivalry with football player Lawrence Taylor that ended in the main event of WrestleMania XI, when LT crushed him. He was also probably the most famous Bigelow outside of Deuce and line of teas. He will be missed.

UNEMPLOYMENT CHECK: Rounding Out The View’s “Feminine Insanity” Trilogy

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This week has been all about the gaggle of geese on The View giving us more information about their lady issues than anyone would ever care to know. Why stop now? (And before you waste your/our time, there was no Zarf today. Try to contain your sadness, and direct all complaints to the makers of All My Children.)

BWE: I Like To Watch

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Not sure what you need to add to your Netflix queue? Our very own Dan Hopper walks you through everything you need to know about Pledge This, Jackass #2 and Mike Judge’s Idiocracy in our brand new DVD podcast, I Like To Watch.

So what do you think? You gonna listen to Dan and rent Pledge This, or be all lame and watch Pans Labyrinth? It’s your call.

Did Someone Say Slow News Day? Part 4: Captain Vegetable

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Yes, we know this retro video from Sesame Street is pretty dated, but we thought for sure most people over the age of 15 were familiar with the goal of Captain Vegetable, the muppet who wants you to eat… vegetables. Apparently, we were wrong. The genius of it can be summed up with this quote: “Do I Look Like a Bad Dream?” Anyway, a little mid-day retro flashback.